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  #76  
Old Dec 29, 2022, 02:35 AM
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I did talk to my clinic where I get primary care. No appointments available till March.

Oh my ... Are there no emergency appointments? At the office of my GP there are set apart special times for emergencey every day. It works after the "first to the mill" principle and the phone opens at 08:00 am. In addition to that I can send a message to my GP on their message system, so If I thought that my meds were the problem I could have sent a message and I would have got an answer in a couple of days and probably a new prescription. The price is the same for an appointment at the office and for a quick writing about a known topic.

In case you need it:

A link to a general help-line USA:
Crisis Text Line | Text HOME To 741741 free, 24/7 Crisis Counseling

Emergency numbers aroud the world:
≡ Emergency Numbers List: 911, 112 & 999 Numbers Worldwide

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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
The reality is I need to just start doing all that I've been neglecting.
It may help to do something, but please do not selfblame. As I have told before my best helper is a schedule. May be that may help you as well. You don't have to put much at it, only a few things to get you into slow motion. Apps with reminders may be of some help as well.
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  #77  
Old Dec 29, 2022, 05:15 PM
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March???? What if you are sick, are you suppose to just be sick till March? I keep reading these things on the forum that people can’t see regular GPs for months and I just can’t wrap my mind. Who do you suppose to see if you are sick?
Urgent Care.

I remember when a doctor would return all phone calls to patients and decide over the phone to make a med adjustment. Those days are long gone - in my neck of the woods.

My PCP is a P.A. This summer, I felt very sick and called. My primary's nurse told me to go to Urgent Care. Urgent Care told me to go to the ER. The ER decided I needed to be admitted. (My belly pain was diverticulitis.) That, actually, was a good outcome.

No one at Urgent Care is going to make a dosage change in my antidepressant. They'll tell me to wait to see my primary. If I seem emotionally distressed, Urgent Care would send me to the Crisis Unit at the psych facility. The psych crisis staff would tell me that this is not a crisis and that I should wait to see my primary.

If I wanted to try harder to see my primary, I would have to give a reason to a scheduling clerk. I do not like to discuss a psych issue with a clerk. I could tell the clerk I want to discuss the nature of my request with a nurse. Then I could tell the nurse that I have felt very mentally distressed. Most likely, the nurse would then tell me to go to the Psych Crisis Unit. No pdoc there is going to make a med adjustment without me getting a full psych eval. To get that will probably take longer than to get in to see my primary. Plus, I hate the Psych facility and will avoid that place at all costs.

There is a psychiatrist who does some med management at my primary care clinic. He used to manage my psych meds. In 2020, 3 weeks after my boyfriend died, I contacted him to say I was becoming seriously depressed and intensely anxious. After 5 minutes of conversation, he said that my only problem was grief and that I did not need any further psych help. He was very curt and practically hung up on me. A few days later, police sent by my sister, did a "wellness check." They found me in a mess, crying hysterically, and took me to a hospital ER not connected with where I normally get my care. That ER found that my nervous stomach, which I thought was jittery from grief, was a serious intestinal infection. Plus they felt I was very depressed and sent me to a nice, small psych hospital that I'ld never heard of. Since I admitted to owning 3 handguns, that psych hospital kept me inpatient and treated my infection with two antibiotics. I was discharged 6 days later, feeling much better and able to cope.

To be utterly alone after the death of a spouse or significant other is brutal. Immediately after the funeral in New York, I had to fly back here to empty out his apartment. Out here (in the Southwest) where we both were living, we had no family. After I finished that job all by myself, with some help I hired, I mentally became unglued. The infection probably was a factor also in my coping capacity failing me.

When I lived in the Northeast, I always had ready access to an attending physician and to a consulting psychiatrist. Of course, that was a long time ago. Also, the delivery of medical care in the area around NYC has evolved rather slowly. It is also an area where the ratio of physicians to population is quite high. Out here, in the Wild West, it's a whole other story.

As a nurse working in nursing homes near NYC, I would be responsible for 15 to 30 parients. Out here, I would be assigned 45 to 60 patients. To escape that grueling workload, I switched to working in correctional facilities, where the typical environment was much nicer than in the typical nursing home. (That ought to tell you something.)

Thanks for listening, anyone who's managed to get through this.
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  #78  
Old Dec 29, 2022, 05:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Rosi700 View Post
Oh my ... Are there no emergency appointments? At the office of my GP there are set apart special times for emergencey every day. It works after the "first to the mill" principle and the phone opens at 08:00 am. In addition to that I can send a message to my GP on their message system, so If I thought that my meds were the problem I could have sent a message and I would have got an answer in a couple of days and probably a new prescription. The price is the same for an appointment at the office and for a quick writing about a known topic.

In case you need it:

A link to a general help-line USA:
Crisis Text Line | Text HOME To 741741 free, 24/7 Crisis Counseling

Emergency numbers aroud the world:
≡ Emergency Numbers List: 911, 112 & 999 Numbers Worldwide


It may help to do something, but please do not selfblame. As I have told before my best helper is a schedule. May be that may help you as well. You don't have to put much at it, only a few things to get you into slow motion. Apps with reminders may be of some help as well.
Here where I live, in the system that I use, no one has ready access to a provider with MD after their name. Primary providers are mostly physician's assistants and nurse practitioners. Even they are hard to get in to see. "Emergencies" tend to get deflected toward urgent care.

We have a messaging system, whereby texts can be transmitted between providers and patients. I use that to the max. However, it is not allowed to seek medical treatment through this system. In Aug, I texted a request for a refill of an antifungal cream for a crack in the corner of my mouth that my primary had treated in the past. I got a text back from the office nurse admonishing me not to send any texts asking for any med orders. "The primary has to see you for that." The system you have for texting sounds great. Not how ours operates.

Though all my providers/doctors work for the same university hospital employer, they're not good at communicating with each other. Since being sick this summer, I see a number of specialists. My primary asked me to send her texts explaining what any of the specialists tell me. Then that cues her to read their notes. She also asked me to text her, whenever I get admitted to the hospital. The hospital is supposed to automatically notify her, but often they don't. That's the role the texts play. Kind of crazy.

I have to go get another prescription. I seem to be improving.
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  #79  
Old Dec 29, 2022, 07:49 PM
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Ran two errands. Now, if I straighten up my place, I will likely feel better. Dishes are done.

I was back in the ER in Nov, with a bleeding ulcer. That healed well. Then in Dec, I had GI pain again, but it only lasted a day. It was the day after that that I became mildly depressed. Around then it became clearer that one of my sisters was avoiding me. I've recovered from the pain of losing my S.O., but I haven't made other connections. I'm spending too much time alone. In '21, that was deliberate because of COVID. I tolerated that well because I thought it was temporary. Then, I realized that COVID will be ongoing for years, so I planned to find activities to join in the spring. Instead, I got extremely sick in April. I didn't recover until Sept. Then I got worried again about respiratory illnesses, as it was discovered I had some lung damage. But, mentally, I was pretty ok, until Dec. Then I think the isolation, along with the other stressors, started to take a toll.

I'm basically functional enough to pull myself together. I do have to put down the remote and the smart phone and push myself to do things.

@Rosi700 - your suggestions about a schedule and comitting to a modest set of goals is the best advice, I do believe. Then sticking with that could be a help against relapsing.

I think I'll go to GooglePlayStore and shop some apps.
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  #80  
Old Jan 01, 2023, 06:11 PM
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I'm not pulling myself together. I better try to do something.
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  #81  
Old Jan 02, 2023, 01:36 AM
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I didn't manage to do anything today. I went to take a shower. Then I turned around and came back to the livingroom. In a minute, I'm going to go take the shower, maybe.

I feel a mild sense of panic. I'm not alright. I've been reminding myself that episodes of depression always blow over and then I can be fine for quite a while. This time it's lasting too long.

There's really no one I can talk to. My sister texted me today. She keeps in touch, which is very nice. I learned long ago not to mention depression to her. She told me some years back that I create my own problems by "dwelling on things." She said she had plenty of things she could get depressed about, but she didn't allow herself to get that way. Nice though she can be, she is very judgemental about some things. So I always tell her I'm just fine. I wish there was some kind of peer support group IRL that I could join. In the past, there was something like that near me, but it didn't last. It was a drop-in center and attracted nice people.

The main thing is I better leave the house tomorrow. Somehow I went from doing quite well for a good while to where I'm not doing well at all. I just want to get back to how I was.
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  #82  
Old Jan 02, 2023, 03:55 AM
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I wish there was some kind of peer support group IRL that I could join. In the past, there was something like that near me, but it didn't last. It was a drop-in center and attracted nice people.

I am sorry to hear how much you suffer! One summer when I felt complete down, I participated in an online DBSA group a couple of times. It helped me so I didn't fall further down then I was. May be an online group can be something for you as well?


HeyPeers - Where Peers and Support Groups Connect
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  #83  
Old Jan 02, 2023, 05:54 PM
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I am sorry to hear how much you suffer! One summer when I felt complete down, I participated in an online DBSA group a couple of times. It helped me so I didn't fall further down then I was. May be an online group can be something for you as well?


HeyPeers - Where Peers and Support Groups Connect
I did used to attend DBSA meetings myself. The meetings would break up into support groups that I found helpful. That was a long time ago. I know meetings got suspended due to COVID. But perhaps they have resumed. I will look into it. They may well have online groups at the least.

I've been listening a lot to YouTube videos about getting through a depressive episode. I found videos addressing the problem of being so down that taking a shower or cooking a decent meal just takes more motivation than I've been able to dig up. Since after Christmas, that's how I've gotten.

It feels indefensible. There's no good reason why I stopped picking up after myself. The kitchen is littered with dirty dishes. There are dirty pots on the stove. I've been in pajamas for days. I manage to brush my teeth just once a day. It's like complete laziness, and I don't expect that to be understood by anyone who hasn't been like that. I thought I would find more members here who've gotten into that state of mind. Maybe those types don't have the energy to follow a thread like this.

But, on YouTube, I've found kindred spirits. People have made videos describing being just like how I've been. I've watched videos about the challenge of simple, basic hygiene. So I'm not alone.

This has happened to me lots of times before. Somehow I always just got out of it. It was always like having the flu or a bad cold. Then it would just blow over. I never understood what made it blow over. It just always did. This time it's hung on and on.

Anyway, I'm going to take a shower. Then I'll clean the kitchen . . . because I just can't stand it being such a mess any longer. Then, if I'm lucky, I'll manage to keep my engine running. If I can just get my engine to turn over and stay running, I can break out of this. If I can get to the store, I'll buy some frozen dinners. I'm too sick of this to stay like this.

Anybody normal - like my sister - would ask, "Why don't you just do what you need to do?" There is no way I can explain why I have been the way I've been for a week. It seems like just malingering. I've been disgusted with myself. But every few hours I've cried like some tragedy happened. I have no will power. But I am sick of doing nothing. So I'll get going now.

Thank you for stopping by. The utter aloneness has been the worst thing. You've just helped me.
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  #84  
Old Jan 02, 2023, 06:07 PM
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There’s someone on this forum (no idea what subforum or who it is, I just keep running into their posts). They run some type of schedule for themselves, create short tasks and record how long they did it. Like ten minutes clean this shelf, 5 minutes clean this counter. Not long and not much but at the end it adds up to a lot done. Like instead of telling yourself I have to clean my house, tell yourself I’ll do dishes for 15 minutes and then sweep the kitchen for 10 minutes, then wipe a counter for 5 minutes. You don’t need to overwhelm yourself but you could do a lot in short increments
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  #85  
Old Jan 02, 2023, 06:09 PM
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I found it
Cleaning & Organizing
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  #86  
Old Jan 03, 2023, 12:29 AM
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Thank you! I just found it. I'm inspired.
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  #87  
Old Jan 03, 2023, 12:31 AM
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I soaked, showered and went for groceries. I do feel better.

Morning is the test. I feel worst in the morning . . . so hard to get out of bed.
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  #88  
Old Jan 04, 2023, 04:02 AM
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Tues was a very good day. It's now 2 a.m. on Wed and I feel very good. Finally, the depression blew over. I've been cleaning, paying bills. I just feel like a new person.

Thank you posters for stopping by during a prolonged series of dark days. It made me feel less isolated and alone. I will try to implement the good suggestions you've helped me with.

Happy New Year. I wish you well in '23.
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  #89  
Old Jan 05, 2023, 08:52 PM
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That’s great news. Glad to hear
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  #90  
Old Jan 06, 2023, 04:53 PM
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I just came across your thread today, Rose 76. So much of what you have written could have been about me. I can relate to so much of it. It appears most everyone here can, too.

I'm so happy to read that you're through the worst of it, and are feeling better. Congratulations on the work it takes to get going each day---it seems like that plan is working for you.

Setting small healthy goals for myself is the way I started to climb out of a very bad and long state of depression. It's a useful tool that I've grown accustomed to utilizing whenever things get murky for me. I'm battling through this, now unmedicated, except for a small prescription of Ativan for my bouts of anxiety. Creating a routine, and being a good friend to myself, has helped enormously.

You seem to be a strong, intelligent, and determined person. And yes, you have a gift for writing. I wish I found this earlier, but it's encouraging to know that you've gotten through it.

With admiration...
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  #91  
Old Jan 06, 2023, 09:25 PM
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I'm so grateful for the kind support above. It's like my head was being held down under water, and - finally - I broke thru the surface and could inhale. So now I'm not emotionally distressed. I just have a backlog of stuff to catch up on. Today I got 5 things done.

@MuseumGhost - supporters here have extolled the benefits of routine and structure. I want to move in that direction, but it will be hard. All my life, from early childhood, I had a severe sleep disorder. (My mother even tried giving me port wine when I was a kid to see if that would help me fall asleep. It didn't. My grandmother gave me beer when I was a older. It helped a little.) I never have had a usual time to go to bed and to get up. I never fell asle ep at the same time any two nights in a row. Work kept me a little regulated. But often I went to work with little sleep. Just like, as a kid, I often went to school with little sleep. Then I would come home and collapse. That's why I've never developed the habits of planning and routine. I just can't predict what time I'll be able to haul myself out of bed to start my day. For instance, last night I couldn't sleep. I fell asleep, finally, at 6 a.m. this morning. When I worked, it forced some structure on my time usage. But now I'm retired. So I have to find some self-discipline, which I don't have much of.

Today was shot because I slept all morning. I do want to stop living so chaotically. My antidepressant (amitriptyline) does help a bit. It promotes sleep. I'm taking it earlier. But I have to start setting an alarm and getting up at a regular time and doing stuff.

At least, now, I'm not despondent. While I was, nothing mattered. Now I am motivated. I hope I can improve.

A tendency toward depression is not a person's fault. However, managing that mood disorder is a responsibility of the individual. Failure to make a decent effort to manage one's mood disorder does indicate a lack of character, IMHO. I don't want to be guilty of that. And I have been. This past year I dealt with an unusual spate of physical ailments. I had severe diverticulitis, followed by bleeding ulcers causing severe anemia. I was in the ER 5 times. They admitted me 3 times. That is all resolved now, and I'm in good health at present. So it's high time I got my act together. I really need to start planning my days. Good habits can keep the momentum going when disappointments happen and sap one's resolve.

I read with great interest what others post about how they are helped by routine. I'll keep looking for posts like that to inspire me. Thank you all for the specific suggestions, like a planning app, the cleaning thread. etc.
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  #92  
Old Jan 07, 2023, 06:50 AM
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I'm so grateful for the kind support above. It's like my head was being held down under water, and - finally - I broke thru the surface and could inhale. So now I'm not emotionally distressed. I just have a backlog of stuff to catch up on. Today I got 5 things done.

@MuseumGhost - supporters here have extolled the benefits of routine and structure. I want to move in that direction, but it will be hard. All my life, from early childhood, I had a severe sleep disorder. (My mother even tried giving me port wine when I was a kid to see if that would help me fall asleep. It didn't. My grandmother gave me beer when I was a older. It helped a little.) I never have had a usual time to go to bed and to get up. I never fell asle ep at the same time any two nights in a row. Work kept me a little regulated. But often I went to work with little sleep. Just like, as a kid, I often went to school with little sleep. Then I would come home and collapse. That's why I've never developed the habits of planning and routine. I just can't predict what time I'll be able to haul myself out of bed to start my day. For instance, last night I couldn't sleep. I fell asleep, finally, at 6 a.m. this morning. When I worked, it forced some structure on my time usage. But now I'm retired. So I have to find some self-discipline, which I don't have much of.

Today was shot because I slept all morning. I do want to stop living so chaotically. My antidepressant (amitriptyline) does help a bit. It promotes sleep. I'm taking it earlier. But I have to start setting an alarm and getting up at a regular time and doing stuff.

At least, now, I'm not despondent. While I was, nothing mattered. Now I am motivated. I hope I can improve.

A tendency toward depression is not a person's fault. However, managing that mood disorder is a responsibility of the individual. Failure to make a decent effort to manage one's mood disorder does indicate a lack of character, IMHO. I don't want to be guilty of that. And I have been. This past year I dealt with an unusual spate of physical ailments. I had severe diverticulitis, followed by bleeding ulcers causing severe anemia. I was in the ER 5 times. They admitted me 3 times. That is all resolved now, and I'm in good health at present. So it's high time I got my act together. I really need to start planning my days. Good habits can keep the momentum going when disappointments happen and sap one's resolve.

I read with great interest what others post about how they are helped by routine. I'll keep looking for posts like that to inspire me. Thank you all for the specific suggestions, like a planning app, the cleaning thread. etc.

I am so sorry to read about your sleep problems. Have you ever got treatment for them? I know a person who had treatment at some sort of a "sleep clinic".

The cure is to have a relaxed evening (relaxation exercises if necessary), no coffee after 07.00 PM. Go to bed every evening at the same time and get up every morning at the same time even if there has been no sleep in the night. This person have told me that the "sleep structure" helps partly, but she sticks with the program because it helps more than no program at all.

In addition to the sleep program, there is the ordinary cues for good health to follow: Physical exercises (but not in the evening) and regular healthy meals during the day.

I know, you have told us how difficult it is to have a doctors appointment in your area, but if it is available, may be it is worth waiting for an appointment. If not try to use general advice for sleep problems.

I got sleep problems after I started on Antidepressants years ago. My GP gave me sleeping pills. I used them for years until my new GP took them away and replaced them with Mirtazapin (in addition to my usual antidepressants). Mirtazapin is an atypical antidepressant that makes people tired. I take it one hour before bedtime and it functions well for me.
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  #93  
Old Jan 07, 2023, 02:08 PM
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@Rosi700 - Over 10 years ago, a psychiatrist put me on Restoril, a benzo sleeping pill. It was very effective. Meanwhile, my PCP had me on Vicodin (hydrocodone) for pain due to compressed spinal disks in my neck and back. One day, my PCP, an internal medicine specialist, told me he wouldn't keep prescribing the narcotic pain pills, unless I got off the sleeping pills. He said I had to pick one of the two drugs, but could not have both. That was around the time the feds were coming down on doctors for prescribing controlled drugs too freely. (It's now rare for any doctor to let a patient have both an opioid and a benzo. Too easy to OD with that combo.) So I chose to give up the Restoril - the sleeping pill. Then the pdoc put me on Seroquel, which is an antipsychotic that works well as a sleeping pill. I got off of that because I read a lot of bad stuff about it. (Like it can make you diabetic.)

So, now, I'm just on the Elavil (amitriptyline,) which somewhat helps me sleep. I'm familiar with the mirtazepine (Remeron) you mentioned. It's a quadracyclic antidepressant that works much like amitriptyline, but has less effect on the heart, which doctors like. I didn't stay on that because it gave me very vivid dreams every night, which is now a known side effect that a minority of patients get.

So I gave up on a drug solution. Instead I used to have a few drinks when I really couldn't sleep. That gave me horrendous heartburn, which contributed to a bleeding ulcer. So I stopped that.

That leaves me with lifestyle changes, which can help. Routine is the way to go. Your suggestions are all very good. I will employ them. It takes self-discipline to get up in the a.m., when I've not had a restful nite. I'm just going to have to force myself.

I did get sent to a sleep clinic for a sleep study. They wanted me to sleep with oxygen and C-pap apparatus attached to my face. They said I got mildly hypoxic every now and then at nite. (These sleep centers tend to put everybody on C-pap, which is why Medicare looks askance at them.) I was willing to try just the O2, and I hated it. It kept me awake.

So that's all my medical interventions in this sleep problem. Your suggestions interest me more. I've noticed that I sleep better, if I get out of the house. So I'm going to try getting out every day. When I'm not depressed, that's easy to do. When I get into a depressant episode, I don't even go to the mailbox. It sounds like pure laziness, but it's this awful apathy that comes over me. Anyway - I'm not at all depressed now, and that could last a few weeks to, maybe, even a couple of months. I have to use this good time to work on habits that might carry me thru, next time a depressive episode hits.

One pdoc said I was bipolar. I was put on every med that's used for bipolar disorder. None of them did any good. (Lithium gave me severe diarrhea and loss of fine motor control. I chad trouble writing and going down a staircase.)

So I've been on a very long hunt to find treatment. I've concluded that the best thing is to try to live better. Cultivating better daily habits is what I think, in the end, makes life better for anyone. I did recently join a gym. Now I have to make myself actually go to it.

Well, time to get rolling. Going to strip my bed and do laundry today. It's just so wonderful to not feel depressed. I had a decent breakfast. I'll cook something good tonight, maybe chili.

Thanks everyone.
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  #94  
Old Jan 07, 2023, 06:28 PM
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One pdoc said I was bipolar.

I have heard that some years ago "bipolar" became very a very popular label. I don't want to offend anyone. Bipolar is real (and hurtful), but not all who wear that diagnose are diagnosed rightly. Sometimes the Pdoc puts that label on people that don't fit the diagnose because it was much focus about that Bipolar II persons were under-diagnosed one or two decades ago. So I have heard ...

We (my former therapist and I have discussed bipolar (cyclothymia) with regard to me as well. We agreed that I didn't fit into all the symptoms necessary for that diagnose and nobody wanted to put Bipolar NOS in my journal.

My personal "belief" is that some of us got some minimal damages to our brains during our birth process. My mother has told me that my birth was a difficult one. Such minimal damages can make a lot of small symptoms that a doc can find close to a diagnose that almost fits.

I am not trying to underestimate the quality of skilled professionals who try to do their best, only recognizing that diagnosing people probably is not easy. Among all the good doctors some are too quick to put the label on.

I can live well with the hypothesis that something happened at my birth. I am grateful for the medications I am on for unipolar depression, but I know that the only things that works on my "ups" and on the rest-depression that the antidepressants don't work upon, is schedules, schedules, schedules and schedules & self-instructions especially from CBT & partly from DBT.

I feel as long as I know what I am dealing with, it doesn't matter what type of label that is used, but that I know how to master to live with my disorder (whatever it is) and I have a much better life now. When I feel dragged away by some sort of sympthoms, I tell myself that I have good experience with that and tell myself: "I can do this, I have done it before!"

By the way: I hope I didn't hurt anyone by suggesting that some of us perhaps can have a small brain defect. To me it seems logical considered the facts that not all births go after "the manual". A small brain defect does not give people a lower intelligence. I did very well at school and at later education and so does a lot of other people that have some kind of problems they are not sure about what is. We don't need to be over-diagnosed. Our grandparents came through the days working hard and without diagnosis. I want to feel that I am normal with some problems and that I am capable to cope with life.

Sorry for ranting, but this topic has been in my interest for a long time.

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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
So I've been on a very long hunt to find treatment. I've concluded that the best thing is to try to live better. Cultivating better daily habits is what I think, in the end, makes life better for anyone. I did recently join a gym. Now I have to make myself actually go to it.

I hope you succeed with "cultivating better daily habits". It costs energy and effort, especially the "sleep regime". Further I hope that you will not give up if you fail in the beginning. I have failed so many, many times, but my willingness to not give in and try and try again has given me a much better life. I have signed myself up for a gym as well, but will wait until I have the feeling that "This I will go for". I have physical training every morning at home and go for a really long walk in a group once a week. After that walk, I sometimes am so exhausted that I need to rest the whole next day (but it is generally a help for my total health).
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  #95  
Old Jan 08, 2023, 11:57 PM
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Thank you @Rosi700. Another pdoc said he thought bipolar was too heavy duty a diagnosis for me. That's what I think. I don't think I had any distress during birthing. It was a normal and unremarkable pregnancy and delivery. I'm not a big believer in trying to trace difficulties of living to some organic brain dysfunction. I don't doubt that we can have some inborn tendencies that may be problematic. Mostly I think experience shapes our minds. Over time our behavior can alter our brains.

I have been too isolated from early childhood. Humans are social animals. It's not normal or good to be alone almost all the time. Anyone who lives that way is bound to become depressed. I need to venture out and connect. Your group walk interests me. I was reading that the Sierra Club sponsors walks in my area. I want to look into that.

Today I didn't really accomplish anything. Tomorrow I will do better. I need to commit sections of time to getting goals accomplished.
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  #96  
Old Jan 09, 2023, 11:19 AM
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Thank you @Rosi700. Another pdoc said he thought bipolar was too heavy duty a diagnosis for me. That's what I think. I don't think I had any distress during birthing. It was a normal and unremarkable pregnancy and delivery.


I didn't mean that everyone who doesn't fit a bipolar diagnosis properly, has a minimal brain disorder. I only meant that there are lots of factors in our lives that can impact us. To be born is one of them.

The HelpGuide org says this a bout diagnosing bipolar:"
Getting an accurate diagnosis for bipolar disorder isn't always easy. The mood swings of bipolar disorder can be difficult to distinguish from other problems such as major depression, ADHD, and borderline personality disorder. (...)

Making the diagnosis of bipolar disorder can be tricky even for trained professionals, so it's best to see a psychiatrist with experience treating bipolar disorder rather than a family doctor or another type of physician."

When it comes to me, Borderline has never been in question. The same goes for ADHD, never. When it comes to depression, however there is a big YES with regard to me. (My small "ups" must be something else).

What Helpguide says about depression in Woman is very interesting:
Depression in Women - HelpGuide.org

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  #97  
Old Jan 09, 2023, 08:34 PM
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@Rosi700 - thanks for the link. I'm pretty satisfied that I know what my problem is. I've been on just about every psych med you can think of. That is called "the empirical approach" to diagnosing. You get put on a medication. Then, if you improve, they theorize that you have the disorder that such a med treats. For years I was seeing pdocs and therapists. If you keep reporting depression, despite taking antidepressants, pdocs will eventually try everything in the pharmacy. Throw it all up against the wall and see what sticks. Been there, done that. Anti-psychotics, renamed "mood stabilizers" . . . lithium . . . anti-convulsants, also renamed "mood stabilizers" . . . anti-parkinson's agents . . . stimulants . . . anxiolytics. I'm satisfied that I've sampled enough of what's at the drugstore to know how much help I can get from medication. Amitriptyline is helpful. That's it.

My staying well depends on what I have going on in my life. In my younger days, I often felt best when I was working and, also, doing academic work. Having friends helped. Being with my significant other brought a lot of satisfaction, though we had our ups and downs. Currently, I'm retired and not much connected to others. From 2014 to 2020, I cared for my increasingly disabled boyfriend. It was rewarding, but it pretty much took up all my time. When he was gone, COVID was in full swing, and I thought socially isolating was the smart and safe thing to do. A friend that I was spending time with decided she would no longer get vaccinated, so I won't hang out with her. This past year, I would have flown to visit my family far away, but I was had one illness after another to get stabilized.

I'm just too isolated. No one living like this would be mentally healthy. I have to put together some things to get involved in that get me outside of my house and interacting with other humans. I guess I know very well what I need to do. I just have to do it.

Today I didn't do anything. Developing goid habits is going to require breaking bad habits. Secluding in my apartment has become a bad habit. Watching endless television has become a bad habit. Roaming around online has become too easy a diversion. I wanted to get a haircut today, but I didn't. I might go now and see if they're still open.

I know you understand that issues of mental health have multiple causes. I think we both have much experience trying to arrange a satisfying life.

I'm no longer very despondent, as I was when I started this thread. That's a huge relief. I'm not in that trough of depression where I felt paralyzed. The posts that yourself and others have been kind enough to place here made this thread feel like a life preserver I could grab onto, while I was just floundering in waters of emotional pain. Now I'm much better. It's tempting to just enjoy the relief comfy here on the couch. But I know that's just asking for another bout of painful depression. It's time to get off the couch, or I won't stay feeling well for very long.
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  #98  
Old Jan 10, 2023, 11:22 AM
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I'm just too isolated. No one living like this would be mentally healthy. I have to put together some things to get involved in that get me outside of my house and interacting with other humans. I guess I know very well what I need to do. I just have to do it.

(...)

I know you understand that issues of mental health have multiple causes. I think we both have much experience trying to arrange a satisfying life.

You have gone through much, Rose! The Covid-thing made things worse for a lot of us (at the top of everything else). And of course being a pensioner isn't the best when living alone. None expects one to be at job and to make schedule is difficult if it has no other purpose then to keep one busy.

I think one has to find a purpose to live for to make life meaningful. I had a lot of interests while I was younger that gave me the drive I needed to live a meaning full life. Now my energy is not that much available. I still work part time and I decide how many parts a week.

It may seem strange, but as the years have passed, I have found a greater meaning in my Christian belief. It is something about that since God has given me this life, I owe him to take good care of it. I mean I am not like those who sit in a chair and beg for a magical help. I have it the opposite way. I have to do something to get better in gratefulness to the one who created me. ( I don't push my faith on others. I believe people have to choose their religion or have to choose to have no religion at all).

I have read some psychology books and books about general good health, everything from acupuncture to whatever. When I was a student, Freud was very popular among studens of all kinds. I placed myself at the same wave as well. I had my dreams analyzed at the office of a therapist and so on. (I was almost depression-free for years after my student years). As time has passed, I have found more and more interests in CBT and closed the "Freud-box". CBT is concrete, gives one something to work with. It can be done without a therapist as long as one have basic knowledge about how to use the tools. With that said, I love to see if I can find a good web-page that sums up "things" about depression, like the one I gave above about women and depression. I feel such pages are supporting and inspirering.

I am so glad you have become better, Rose. Please remember that to create a schedule is difficult. I know that because in the middle of my life I met the one sorrow after the other and had to take a break from work as well. The best is to create a habit of jumping out of bed with the morning alarm, have fixed mealtimes and fill in all other activity in the space between. That can be everything from visiting library to go for a bike ride. The point, as I have experienced it, is that it has to give some sort of meaning to one's life.

I hope you don't find me interfering in your life. I like to share when I have something to share, but since we don't see each other here, it is not easy to understand if one is misinterpreted by the other part.

All I can say is "Good Luck with you try to make schedules that works for you".

For the time being I am frustrated because it seems that the Christmas celebration and the spare time between Christmas and New Year has robbed me for too much energy to go back to a normal schedule. But it will be better if I work for it in a slow motion.

See you at "The daily check in" thread.
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Last edited by Rosi700; Jan 10, 2023 at 01:26 PM.
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  #99  
Old Jan 10, 2023, 07:22 PM
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@Rosi700 - I welcome your input and suggestions. I like that you take responsibility for self-care. With chronically recurring depression, one can fall into a habit of bewailing one's unhappiness and not looking to what needs doing for life to be better. It's find to simply vent now and then. Then it's necessary to do something to make life better. Everyone has to cope with hardship and disappointment. I can't say my life is harder than the next person's. It's not.

I would love to be someone who jumps out of bed in the a.m. For me that's a toughy. I think of buying a programmable coffee brewer that will have a caffeine eye opener ready for me at a preset time. I used to leave a loud electric alarm clock in the kitchen. To turn it off, I'ld have to get out of bed and walk to the kitchen. I have to find a way to trick myself. I'll keep working on it.

I did get the haircut last eve. Now I'm about to cook a pot of chili, which I'll really enjoy. I looked at some pretty daily journal books, and I might buy one. I'ld love to get a small dog. But I woukd have no one to dog sit, if I had to go to the hospital, which happened 3 times in '22.

I like hearing about your daily routine - like getting right up out of bed when the alarm goes off. I may challenge myself to give that a shot.

I hope you are working your way through the difficult spell you recently were having. I know how that goes. Can be tough.
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  #100  
Old Jan 11, 2023, 01:48 AM
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@Rosi700 - I welcome your input and suggestions. I like that you take responsibility for self-care. (...)

I would love to be someone who jumps out of bed in the a.m.

I worked for that as well (had a mild depression then)! In the middle of the day, I went to bed for five minutes with the decision to get up when the alarm rang. So I did; up and ran into the bathroom. Then I went to bed again. I repeated that several times. I wanted to make it a habit.


The next morning I jumped out of bed and run into the bathroom.
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