can't control my thoughts

I woke up this morning with thoughts it would b better for me, if I wasn't here, alive anymore. I wanted to scream. I hate it. I wonder if it is the meds I take that cause me to think this way. I know I heard something about it can cause suicidal thoughts. I don't have a plan or any intention of hurting myself. I wish these thoughts would go away. I try so hard not to think of these things. In the last few years one person I knew did commit it and another person my mom tried to. I wonder if those have a factor. Of course, they are going to bother me for yrs to come.
I think my future looks bleak and how am I going to make ends meet. How will I be around someone who loves me. How will I survive. I cant deal with that now, maybe everything will b alright. No one can predicate the future. Maybe, I have nothing to worry about, then I say only a fool would not worry about my situation. How can I prepare. I am on disability and if I return to the work world, my benefits will be gone, of course, but if I can't keep job and lose it. I will be in major trouble. At least with my disability I would be able to
buy my groceries, if I lose a job, I would have no income whatsoever. I am caught between a rock and a hard place. In the past I haven't been good at holding a job for more than a year at a time. Also, right now I pay very little for my meds and my pdoc n T. I haven't had a chance to discuss these thoughts with my T, I have only seen him twice, at those times, it wasn't bothering me. My pdoc was only concerned if I hurt myself, he didn't seem to worried about the thoughts. But, these thoughts come and go. I DONT want them. It's awful. I'm afraid someday these thoughts I may take more seriously. It is so uncomfortable, why does my life have to be this way. Why have I had to suffer so much from this disease of bipolar? Now, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, it could be a lot worse. I just want these thoughts to go away. It makes me so sad.

Kibo

I am SORRY, I didn't realize I couldn't post on this subject. I will not let it happen again. I will get help from my T and pdoc. I aplogize.

Kibo

<font color="purple">You're not allowed to post about this stuff? I always thought it was fine, so long as you didn't make a thread going "I'm going to kill myself tonight" or something like that.

But yeah, I know how you feel, those kinds of uncontrollable thoughts are barely tolerable for me, and I'm considered to be 'normal'. I don't have any advice to give on getting rid of them though (if I did then I would have gotten rid of mine already!)

The best thing and the thing that has worked the most for me is to gradualy shift your mindset to a more positive one. From my expirience, the more optimistic I become, the less thought intrusions that I have, and the eaier they are for me to shake off. I know it sounds stupid but it helps me, so maybe it'll work for you too?</font>

Hi Kibo,

You might want to try and stay busy ... as in distracted.

A volunteer job a couple hours a week someplace might do the trick.
You won't lose your disability that way either.

I'm seeing my therapist next week, finally!

What I do for unwelcome thoughts that depress the daylights out of me is basically the grounding techniques on top of PTSD page (on the sticky topic).

I didn't realize I was doing some of them, but that is what I do and it helps.

Maybe your pdoc needs to know about the imtrusive thoughts and a different avti-depressant is in order, or maybe a cut back ... does that ever happen, where people are taking too much, and they are actually getting better and the dosage they take gives them symptoms?

Good things to find out, Dear Kibo.

I will be sending loving, comforting thoughts your way.

Keep posting. Let us know how this resolves.

peace and love,
night

(((((((((((((((((((Kibo)))))))))))))))))))))))))

my heart goes out to you hon .... i don't have bipolar, but i have had these thoughts regularly .... when i was on one particlar anti depressant i was really bad .... maybe a change of meds? You are not alone,always reach out here, try and keep occupied, i know if you are feeling this way sometimes you can't settle to do any reading,watching movies etc, just don't withdraw oravoid people, always talk about your feelings, we are here to support you, love and care, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

I had bad thoughts last wkend. I somehow manged to find the strenght to confront them. That seemed to take the power away. I know its hard to even make out exactly what the thoughts are some days.

I have found that staying busy (ususally cleaning) and journaling helps.

Next time you see your T, even if it's not bothering you at that time, bring it up. I've had a hard time talking about some stuff with my T, and what I have done before is typed it up and gave it to her at the start of the session so she can read it and let her direct the session from there. Can you e-mail your T and just tell him/her what you need to talk about at your next appointment? Sometimes that helps take at least some of it off.

I hope you feel better.

Lots of good ideas from everyone! When I am overwhelmed w/ thoughts I go to the One Day at a Time idea! I focus on this day only, not yesterday, NOT tomorrow,or NEXT whenever, just T-O-D-A-Y.
I use a little guide just for those days, it is posted under the Depression Forum, then under Top Depression Resources, scroll down to "Just For Today". By living Just For Today I live through this day only and therefore live EVERYDAY of my life.

Much Love,
Holmes

Like Mlp said "lots of Good Ideas from everyone". Absoutely,Thanks, so much you guys for your help. I am going to take it to heart what you told me and help myself get better. I am so GLAD everyone is here for each other. I hope I can return when I feel better to help others feel better too and support them. It means so much to me to have loving, caring people here. Staying busy, some volunteer work, I am going to those places suggested too. Another, good thing for me to do as you said was to write these thoughts down when I have them, when I go to my T everything is fine and I forget to mention. I wish he did have email, he doesn't, the one that does she doesn't take my insurance. I started to put my notes organized in my computer, it is helping, keeping what I am learning in a safe place, so I don't lose, so that I have to relearn again. I am going to start journalizing again. I did clean the house the day, these thoughts were bothering me, it did keep my mind off them. I was even able to concentrate on some music when I was doing it. I will keep posting. It is so nice to have you guys , thank you again. HUGS to all of you.

Kibo

i completely know what you are talking about. i've had thoughts like those for at least eight years now. they are rough and extremely hard on the mind.

i know exactly what you mean about the thoughts. i get them too, constantly. sometimes is just really hard to overcome them, but you can. my doctor tells me to think of them like clouds passing over the sun. you just have to let them pass and not dwell on them. easier said than done, i know, but i've had a bit of practice when it comes to dealing with it. pm me if you want to chat or something.

I saw my T monday, he said I was really been having a hard time with empty nest syndrome. We talked about it all. That it would probably do me good to volunteer at the hospital. Just being a little active can help with my perspective on things. He also suggested that my husband and I should go out more together, that we seem to have a good time when we do go to the movies together, go out to dinner, or just walking in the park. Which we did and it was nice. The exercize felt good too. He also said to keep on getting support from online here at PC. I have felt better this week, than I have in a long time. Thanks again. Just wanted to let you guys know how it is going for me.