abandon all hope

Hi everyone,

I realize it's been a long, long time since I've posted. I've been very busy with the transition back to college, being my final year and all.

But now I've been dealt a final crushing blow from which I don't know I can recover. The girl I've been in love with for a really long time, who recently told me she was attracted to me and has seriously considered a relationship with me has shot me down. While this may seem trivial to some of you, perhaps even petty, this is a final blow I don't think I can handle.

I realize this should be under SI, but I'm too distraught to make more than one post. TRIGGER Never before in these past four years has the urge to slit my wrists again been so unbearably powerful. This isn't some stupid emo reaction to losing a possible love-interest. I can't stand the disappointment anymore. All my life has dealt me is abandonment, disappointment, loss, pain, loneliness, nd heartbreak. For once in my entire pathetic life, I felt like I finally had the hopes of being in a relationship with someone; those hopes are gone. Nothing matters right now. My mom is dead; my mentor has abandoned me; I'm stuck alone at college with an absolutely enormous workload to try to manage; I can't see my therapist anytime soon; I can't go to the hospital because I have no insurance; I can't talk to my dad because he'll just yell at me and tell me how f'ing stupid I'm being; I just want to wither away.

Maybe I deserve this pain. That's the only explanation I can hatch up. There's no reason for a person to suffer loss after loss after loss other than deserving this seemingly divine punishment. I am the wretched and accursed soul damned to walk in the valley of darkness for all eternity. If there is a hell, I'm convinced I've found it. Nothing matters anymore.

I'm just ranting now. If any of you care to reply, be my guest. Yes, this is a cry for help, but I don't expect it to be answered. None of you even know who I am. Would it even matter if I were to suddenly disappear from the face of this pathetic planet? I am so alone...

If you've read this far, I commend you for putting up with my infantile bullcrap.

J

i understand Der... losing a dream is never fun, it only means there is a different dream you are meant to achieve.. dont give up on romance forever, but maybe for now concentrate on the studies.. there is a time for everything..

sending healing hope..

((((((((((((Der_Sohn_des_Leides))))))))))))

I feel concerned for you. Please stay safe. You can't see it through your pain, but there is hope.

You do not deserve the pain or disappointment ......a broken-heart is not petty.

I don't know you.... but I don't want you to disappear from this planet.

You are not alone.....keep posting and let us know how you are doing.


ktgirl

Well, it's not bullcrap, you are hurting and trying to deal with loss.

Hang on for now, we are here supporting you, it's ok to vent on here.

(((((((( Der_Sohn_des_Leides )))))))))

well , for me you are lucky because you feel pain for losing your girl friend and this can be treated ,one can forget his love by loving again but what about one who can't find an inch in the whole world for his pain to be recovered because he don't know what is going around him alll he feel is that the world is slapping him down ; he does not know what he is ging to be because all what he feel has a great pressure upon him.

Der,
What you're going through is not petty. Heartbreak, oh the sting and the burn seems like it'll never stop. It took me quite awhile to heal from my heartbreak - folks around me thought I was being silly - that it took as long as it did before I would ever even consider opening up to another person. I even had a person who was interested in knowing me better, yell at me. I wasn't ready.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, that you've got to allow yourself time to heal. You've got to be safe and stay safe. It seems impossible now, but slogging through each day is a must. You know why? Because you... YOU are worth it. You are a gift. You need time to heal.
I had to keep telling myself that if that one person could "love" me as is at one point in time, then there had to be another soul out there who would love me no matter what, for a lifetime. I may have closed the door on some possibilities along the way, but I wasn't ready to let anyone else in for some time - why would I want to put myself through that kind of pain ever again?
Please be safe and stay safe,
Einna

((((Der))))

I know it seems like one thing after another can become overwhelming.

Abandonment and rejection are old foes of mine also.

You know, I learned a little late in life a valuable lesson I will share with you.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you and wants to be with you.
Someone who treats you like no other. Better than ice cream!

You deserve a soulmate who will stick with you through thick and thin.
Good and not so good.

They don't appear overnight usually. You find each other doing things that might be important to the life you will have together.

But when they do show up, you know it.

They are true, authentic, loyal, and beautiful and they only see you in the picture with them. Think on these things for awhile and then file them away.
_ _ _

Be gentle on yourself right now, you have had a heartache.
This was not the one.

This is the one where you are still working out your childhood with. There go the abandonment. Be glad it's over.

You do not want these experiences anymore. The negative ones that hurt.

When you are back on your feet, which you should do very soon with school and a therapist there and all... you will make different choices for yourself regarding people you let into that very personal place in your heart and soul.

They have to be the best caliber person.
You deserve this.

Wait for it.

Love,
Night

xoxoxoxoxoxox

Thanks, everyone. I'm still really struggling to get by. I got more mixed messages from this girl today. She says she's still interested in me, but has difficulty opening up to me about it. I don't know what to think. She and I are a great match, and I don't want to throw her away. We've been friends for a long time, and I want to take it to the next level.

I'm just very confused, and unsure what to do or expect. I've never been in a relationship before, nor has anyone ever told me they're attracted to me, so my feelings are pretty darn invested in this. I don't know what to do. I can't eat or sleep; I can't focus or motivate myself. I can't take this. Love is one thing my life has consistently gipped me on, and I can't bear to be gipped this time. I've invested so much of myself.

What to do?

J

Be honest, bottom line, be honest with her and with yourself. I think most people would pick honesty over some guy trying to be overly masculine or macho and struttin' his stuff. If she's truly your friend and is interested in you, she'll respect your honesty. It's okay to take things really slow. She may have her own insecurities she's dealing with that you're not aware of.
If you feel comfortable in sharing with her that you don't want to blow the friendship and what it can blossom into, then do so. The most important thing here is to be yourself. Don't know if any of this helps, but honesty and respect is the best foundation for any relationship.
It's hard to be in a lopsided relationship, where one person feels more for the other than visa versa. Sometimes time is all what's needed and eventually the two are on the same page.
From the sounds of it, you're in the beginning stages of a friendship that has a possibility of becoming serious - right? If so, take your time and be honest with your feelings
Einna

Thank you; I needed that reassurance. I feel really strongly for her and I'm more than willing to take it slowly. And I don't "strut my stuff" when it comes to masculinity. I'm a feminist and very gender-conscious person.

I really hope that we can enter into a relationship together. I think it would be nothing short of beautiful. I will always treasure her friendship, though.

Thanks for replying.



J

(((((((((((J)))))))

I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner. I do care and I am here if you want to talk, it seems that when it rains it pours. Things will get better, let this girl know how you really feel, I don't think it's right of her to pull you along and leave you waiting. I went through a similar thing with a guy friend of mine who couldn't decide wether or not he wanted to be in a realtionship, I finally just told him how I felt and we talked about it and decided for the both of us it was best we weren't in a realtionship at the moment. I hope things get better and rember I am always here if you want to talk.

Silver