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#1
Sep 03, 2008, 12:26 PM
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 There's gotta be people out there... other people who feel like this or maybe people who don't.. but PEOPLE somewhere!I didn't leave the house since last week. I've just been so down and I wondered if meds were contributing to it. I decided to take myself off of the xanax and vicodin. OMG.. it was NASTY. I just adore withdrawal.. anything to cause myself more discomfort. Ok.. so exercise is good for depression, right? After staying in and sweating and vomiting it out for 5 days, I DRAGGED my sorry ***** into a shower.. put on my gym clothes and sat in the car with it running for 10 minutes before I got the courage to drive to the gym. It's amazing how bad one's heart rate gets if you leave it go for a week.. I couldn't believe the numbers.. I didn't care though, I just put on my music and walked. I walked uphill and fast and slow and level and uphill, uphill, uphill until I was dripping with sweat and out of breath. :deadhorsebeat_4: I'm always walking uphill. I put on good music, but it was 70's stuff - and I kept flashing back to very bitter/sweet times. I just did what I had to do, got to the car and put on some Stones for the ride home. I made it home before the tears came. I don't feel better - why did I bother? T is away so no appointment this week. I'm supposed to work with my trainer tomorrow (I called off yesterday). How can I get up to go work out when I can't go to sleep though? What good is it anyway? I still gotta dump 30 lbs and I can't. You'd think that losing all of this weight so far would have brought me out of this FUNK, but it's no better. Before I could say I didn't have a life cause I was so big. Now what do I have to hide behind? Think I'm tired of being alone all the time- the empty, saggy feeling of a lifeless house. All my pets are gone. My daughter moved away, and although I live in the same house with my xhusband, I only see him long enough to put a plate in front of him when he gets home at night. He sits out here and eats then goes to his room and that's fine. I just stay in prison here. I have no friends. I sorta got with an old hs bf for a while (long distance thing), but he treated me like total crap - THEN dumped me! I'm such a jerk. LMAO I'm so stuck here forever. :Bang-Head: Yea.. believe it or not I'm like middle aged here!! There's gotta be people out there! L |
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#2
Sep 03, 2008, 12:37 PM
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(((((((Hermione)))))))
Good for you for at least trying to do something about getting out of the funk. I'm sorry it didn't work, it is a real shame. Why do you see your husband so little? It sounds like you really need to do some work on improving that.
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Also known as Blueangel by Blue, hence the avatar |
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#3
Sep 03, 2008, 01:01 PM
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I keep trying but I'm not getting anywhere and how much life is there left really? I feel like a hamster in a wheel. |
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#4
Sep 03, 2008, 01:25 PM
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Oh, I didn't pick up on the x, sorry.
There's enough life left to try and make something of it. Sounds like he's keeping you around for his convenience. I think you should move if you can find away, and not let your age hold you back.
__________________
Also known as Blueangel by Blue, hence the avatar |
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#5
Sep 03, 2008, 02:57 PM
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Hi Ltr2, so the real issue here is that you are lonely? There are many ways to problem solve that. Just my opinion, but I think that you can have a life just the way that you are (the weight issue). Focusing on it so much just might be pulling you down?
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#6
Sep 03, 2008, 03:24 PM
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I don't think I can tolerate it anymore. I'd like to pour myself in a bottle of Stoli's and work my way up from the bottom..... but yea.. you guessed it.. I'm afraid I'd gain weight. :Bang-Head: |
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#7
Sep 04, 2008, 08:24 AM
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#8
Sep 04, 2008, 10:41 AM
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Naa.. not an excuse. I have a hard time with relationships. My depression is a real downer. Maybe for the first 15 or 20 years I didn't know why I couldn't be in a normal relationship with anyone.. but at my age, it's pretty darned obvious. I probably burned out all my seratonin in the late 70's. I gotta get back out to work and learn to keep to myself so I don't get involved in questionable behavior (drugs) - the more I think, the more complicated this is getting. The more I think the more I realize that I've been chasing that "feel good" from the time I was a little kid. Knowing it doesn't make it go away though. I was under the assumption that once I understood WHY I did the things I did that I wouldn't have a need to do it anymore. Again :deadhorsebeat_4: I had a good, hard 2.5 hour work out today.. and I haven't cried once so far today so I'm grateful for that. I wish I could turn all of this negative energy into making the best of what's left. Does anyone get to do that? L |
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#9
Sep 04, 2008, 11:34 AM
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May I suggest that maybe the reason that you haven't been in a normal relationship with anyone is because you were never taught and you so far have never learned? This stuff can be learned. They are basically skills. I had to learn a lot of them. |
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#10
Sep 04, 2008, 12:26 PM
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Thanks for making me think about things...as uncomfortable as it is. I just wish "knowing why" would change me. |
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#11
Sep 04, 2008, 02:15 PM
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Your welcome! This is how I got better..... Knowing why isn't enough. I think that you have to know why and then make the changes that you need to make. If you don't make any changes how can anything be different? |
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#12
Sep 04, 2008, 02:26 PM
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#13
Sep 04, 2008, 02:31 PM
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#14
Sep 04, 2008, 04:58 PM
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I guess you have heard about 'delaying tactics' right?
It's where our resistance shows up in our own excuse making ... like I'm too old, too big, too, tired, it's too far.. Then there is the 'fear' - I can't do this life alone, I might fail, I might get hurt, I don't trust anyone, I am not worth it.... These processes or emotions cause us pain, lots of it, for however long we hold on to them. I used to be so afraid, I can tell you, I had hives almost every week! I had to be the single parent who felt I wasn't good enough nor that I didn't deserve happiness - or a fulfilled life - and guess what? I didn't have one. I too, beat a dead horse. You can change your thoughts, which wi change your outlook, which will change your decision making, which is key to changing your life! It's alot, I know, so we do it a little at a tiime, till we get there. No quitting! Because you are worth it, and deserving of your 'own' happiness, and your own life ... one where you star in it ... doing what makes you happy! You lost that weight!!!!! Congratulations!!!!! That was a great accomplishment!!!!! Don't fizzle out now - go out and get that party started, Sister! You deserve it so very much! Love and New Beginnings, Nightbird [COLOR="MediumTurquoise"][B] 
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 Sannah
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#15
Sep 06, 2008, 08:34 AM
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#16
Sep 06, 2008, 08:37 AM
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No.. I haven't heard of "delaying tactics". Could excuses ever be reasons? How about when one is just too ill (which was the case for a couple of years). I had a hard time walking, breathing and barely got off the sofa. Now that I feel MUCH better... I'm like... in a strange world. |
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#17
Sep 06, 2008, 08:48 AM
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It's hard to "not care"..... I've gone away a couple of times. Once was 2 month - caring for a dying sister in another state. Toward the end he kept calling and asking "when are you coming home". I went out to the midwest to help a disabled friend for a few weeks a couple of times. He called and asked "when are you coming home". He alludes to not knowing how to eat right or take his vitamins. He kinda acts like it's a hardship to take his clothes to the cleaners (rather than me ironing). I feel guilty, and come back quickly. He'll enable me to sit on my butt .. as long as I don't go. In the interim, I've got demons to tackle.. and I can't do it here. Crazy. |
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#18
Sep 07, 2008, 02:15 PM
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Dear Ltr, I think that if we could all understand the universal problem of why we make such poor choices for ourselves and then in the light of that make "good" choices, most people would be much happier...too simple right? We can spend hours and hours,and thousands of dollars for people to try to persuade us to make different choices which make much better sense for us, but we don't. and now, the sixtyfourthousand dollar question...WHY? I believe that it's fear, the fear of not having the crutch we've used for so long that enabled us to "get paid" on some level, (remember bad attention/pity is better than no attention) and before you become the person that you want to be you're going to have to get face to face with where "fear" has taken you, accept your responsibility in the choices you have made, feel like crap about it,(briefly) and then "turn" from it! you might say "I've tried that,it works for a while but then I grow weak" there's a source of power and strength you need to lean on a lot more, where your deepest needs can be met, that will compell you by showing you who you really are and thats when you'll walk strong! so, I ask you "wilt thou be made whole"? then stand up and walk...
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#19
Sep 08, 2008, 12:36 PM
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#20
Sep 09, 2008, 03:11 AM
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#21
Sep 09, 2008, 05:18 AM
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#22
Sep 09, 2008, 06:02 AM
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You can't see us though cause we're hiding. I've barely left my house in three years. I have a slight fear of starving to death so I get it up and do make it to the grocery store once in a while. I have no friends or I'd probably ask them to go for me. My car is barely 20' from my front door and sometimes I run to get there. I feel like I'm on anther planet at the store. My bed is my best friend. Excersize, what is that? Typing on this keyboard...... I have a three story, three bedroom house and I live alone in two rooms. I do make it to the kitchen, and bathroom once in a while. I look out the back door at the foot high grass and the overgrown gardens I used to love and I have no feelings at all. My nieghbor takes pity on me and mows the lawn once a month, and I've never thanked him. All the time I hear from my mom and sister, "you've just got to snap out of it." So much so, I avoid THEM now. No person without these feelings can understand, since we all live in our own shells of reality. I ve stopped trying to explain it to the yawning faces of the listeners, ( why do their watches get so interesting?). Yeah, we're out here. No one can see us though, cause we're hiding.......
__________________
And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too...I'll see you on the darkside of the moon......
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#23
Sep 09, 2008, 10:02 AM
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#24
Sep 09, 2008, 10:22 AM
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Ltr, lately I've come to understand something...about how we get ourselves "well" it can happen in a couple of ways and given the diversity of our sickness's there are different methods that apply. We primarily look to doctors,who's "art" of healing is to stimulate our own bodies to do what they're designed to do, (or cut something out) in psychology, we work through a process with the goal of making a NEW decision about certain aspects of our belief systyms. that works with most people who will make a diffrent choice. whats left? well, a lot of people are so completely overwhelmed and en-trenched with their sickness (and bound up in fear) that they resist all available worldly means to be healed, and as in the psychological example, they need to make a new choice. we can either CHOOSE to embrace our sickness,to feed it,to live in it, to empower it, to be frustrated that we have no power over it, to be hopeless,helpless,and defeated...or we can choose victory! empowerment! the suspension of our need to control and understand, and put ourselves in a place where miracles CAN and DO happen! Am I pretty far out on a limb here? sure! but it's absolutely what I believe...you have the power and authority available to you as a believer to 'whup some butt" I urge you to begin to exercise it! I walk everyday, and i use that time to help keep my body,mind and spirit well! it's a simple place to start...walk, (you're not alone)
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#25
Sep 09, 2008, 10:36 AM
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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