[ThePainNeverDies]

I just can't do this anymore... I've tried so hard... I've told myself all my life that I CAN and WILL get through it...

But I'm just so drained... I can't sleep, I can barely eat, I don't want to see people... My best friend is dying... I'm failing at everything and I just want to give up. What's the point anymore when people just keep abusing me? Keep reminding me how useless I am and how I'll never amount to anything, that I'm just an anorexic, ugly, fat, sl*tty emo.

I wish I could just die. Just drop dead. I don't eve have the energy to kill myself anymore. I was so close to it earlier. I had to get out of the room before I did it. I knew Abi wanted to see me anyway. I have to go. i have to leave this Earth. I'm just wasting the air, the food, the space.

Somebody else deserves a life more than I do. I should never have been born, just like they've all told me. I hate this. Really I do. I'm struggling so much. I hate to admit it, but how will I get anywhere if I don't?

I don't belong here anymore.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((((ThePainNeverDies)))))

Please--Stop-Breath-Look around you-Put your feet on the floor-Realize where you-Take a breath in slowly-Let it out slowly.

I understand what you are feeling--you are not alone. Slow down--let yourself know someone is here. I know the sleeping thing and the lack of eating. Not wanting to see people, But hun--those are all important things. I have to tell myself. Start with trying to rest during the day if you can just a few minutes at a time--even if it means coming here and asking someone to sit here while you do it so you are not alone--(I would be more than willing to sit here with you for however long it took you to get some rest). Start out with just a few bites of something easy nothing heavy-just something to keep you going. Again I would be willing to sit here so you are not alone with you while you do that.

I do not think you really want to give up--you came here asking for help and you have people here that care. You are not alone. Do you have a t or doc? You do not deserve people to keep abusing you. Can you talk to someone IRL? Can you talk more about that here? You are not useless, and I do not believe you will never amount to nothing. I know that God did not make no junk--He made us each individually and uniquiekly--you are no different.

If you really want to die you need to call someone for help right now. You are too important to lose. Can I tell you I used to feel like that too but it passes and I am still here to tell you--you can and will get through this. You do belong here or you would not have came. You are not wasting air or space. You do belong. I was told over and over the same thing and I believed it and I would be lying to you if I told you that at times it still doesn't cross my mind--but I tell you that to validate you and tell you I understand.

Please know you are important and we care. You were brave to write and reach out. That tells me you do want to live somewhere inside. And I am glad. Please keep reaching and keep posting. Know we care and are listening. Keep admitting how you feel. And know You DO BELONG.

dps

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'm failing my friend.. She's on the edge and she's going to OD again... I know that she'll end up killing herself.. I'm failing my bf by thinking like this, by being so close to OD'ing, by eating as little as I possibly can to lose weight. By just... Being such a d*ckhead.

I have no-one I can talk to about all of this IRL. I'm not safe, I'm really not safe and if I had someone IRL to talk to, I don't even know if I could talk to them. I just want to give up because I'm evil. I'm the worst person in the World. People tell me I'm the most amazing person they've ever met because I help and care about so many people, but I'm not amazing. I ruin people's lives when I'm like this.

Sigh. I can't help myself, let alone anyone else. I'm such a big, fat, ugly, disgusting failure..

I have a dr, but no therapist. It's a new dr though so I don't trust her...

I give up now. I just give up trying.

[justfloating]

(((((((((((((((((thepainneverdies))))))))))))))))))))

You don't have to feel this way forever. There are options, there are all kinds of things you can do to help yourself feel better. I know right now you don't believe it, and I know from experience that when you're at the lowest of the low it's almost impossible to believe when people tell you that there's hope, but I'm going to tell it to you anyways because I also believe that when we're as low as you are now, we sometimes need someone else to stand up to the depression while we gather the strength to do it ourselves.

There is hope. You do NOT have to feel this way. You do not deserve any form of abuse. There is nothing you could have done to deserve any of this. You are not evil. You are human, so you're not perfect, but you're far from being a failure!!! You are being lied to by a very serious illness that blows up our flaws to monumental proportions, and you deserve to get all the help you can in order to get well and start seeing yourself and the world properly again. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. THESE FEELINGS CAN BE OVERCOME.

If you're in danger of hurting yourself, please, please get help. Go to the hospital, call a crisis hotline -- there are people out there who can help you get through this, and who can keep you safe while you're doing it. I know it seems like there's no hope for you at all, but there is not only a light at the end of the tunnel, but a whole other world free of all this pain and difficulty. All you have to do is walk towards it, one step at a time.

Sending lots of hugs and good vibes.

[idontknow13]

(((((((((((ThePainNeverDies))))))))))))

[ThePainNeverDies]

I've been like this for the whole of my 17 years of living... I thought I was happy, but I've been anxious, shy, depressed, had an ED most of my life. I had the ED since I was about 10. I was always a small eater... I always felt fat and knew what calories were since the age of 7.

If I don't deserve it, though... Why does it just keep happening to me? I don't understand.. What is it about me that people just want to hurt me so much, all the time? It makes me feel like utter s**t and I hate it and I don't want to live this life anymore...

There is no-one to stand up to my depression now... If my Foster Dad were still here, none of this ever would've happened. he made me feel like the most wonderful, beautiful, special person in the world.. Now I feel like that was all a lie and I'm the complete opposite of that. Everything.everyone that cared about and loved me and that I cared about and loved has gone and now I have nothing to live for. Everyone just hates me. No matter where I go the people there hate me.

Amd I'm sick of being hated and not belonging anywhere. I have to get away from it. But there's only one way to do that.

[turquoisesea]

There is more than one way out.

In some ways, the other way is the harder one. Because the way you are talking about is supposed to be a one time fix all kinda thing. But ITS NOT. You don't fix anything, you just are gone.
What you want is RELIEF.

You CAN get relief in other ways. It will take time. It will hurt. But it can come. If you're 17, you have so much more time to get better in.

Therapy, meds, ED program to help you get better at that, reaching out to a friend... some of these you haven't given a chance.

You can NOT say there is only one way out, until you have tried all others. And to be blunt you haven't.


I believe you can keep going. *thinking of you, sending you many hugs, letting you know you can talk to me whenever you want*

[swwalsh2003]

((((((((((((TPND))))))))

[ThePainNeverDies]

I have tried therapy., meds made me aggressive and fatter, therefore making my ED worse and I have just started work on the ED. I'm giving that a try and seeing if it works. I'm hoping that it works, but I'm apprehensive about whether it'll work or not, but I'm keeping faith that it will... I have tried to reach out to friends, I do admit I find that hard, but I'm getting there...

I'm just really sick at the moment, as in like physically, not mentally... I mean... Of course I'm mentally ill and stuff, but it's causing my physical health to go downhill rapidly and it's just.. Ugh. It's really draining and it stops me doing so much! My room's a mess and Conno'rs coming over tomorrow. I just don't want to do it. I feel like I can't be bothered, like it's not worth it because I won't be here anyway.

I ache all over and I just cannot be arsed to get out of bed for breakfast club, yet I do because people need feeding and they're not gonna get fed if I don't turn up and then I'll get yelled at or questioned about why I didn't turn up and then I'll have to spill the beans.

Gee. My whole body hurts soooo much and I hate it. What IS the point in trying so hard when it just seems to get me nowhere?

[(JD)]

((((Never))))) You sound like you're in such a terrible place. Please ...stop trying and "just be" for a bit? Rest. You need rest.

Depression is telling you lies, like the one that tells you you "can't." I know it's hard being where you are right now, but it won't always feel this bad. (As you listed things that have dumped into your life lately.)

Okay, you live with chronic depression. It isn't the best life, but it is life.

Do something good for yourself today. AND DON'T allow yourself to dwell on all the bad stuff (depression makes you do that.) When something negative comes into your mind tell it "not now, I'm not going to think about that right now." If it comes to the only thing you do all day is to block negative thinking...that's progress. Maybe you can sneak in a pleasant thought, or memory of "when" or "what if."

I'm glad you posted, as desperate as you feel. PC is a good place to find the support to keep on going, even if it is just baby steps and one foot in front of the other for weeks at a time.

Tell yourself "not now" whenever a negative thought comes up. We can't change the past, and we really don't know the future (though depression will say it's all bad) so all we can do something with is today. Right now while you're reading this, you're ok...and the time is positive right now.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I've had 3 and a half hours sleep over 3 days, so yes, i need rest. But I can't rest. What IS that? I'm constantly restless and I don't know how to just rest. How can I "just be"?

Chronic depression? Sounds scary...

Okay.. What have I done today... Eaten... Decided that tomorrow I will put more videos on youtube (I'm a singer/songwriter/guitarist) and promised myself that anyone that has any requests of songs they want me to do, I'll do them. I'm just tired and exhausted and can't really think straight. I spoke to Vicki today... She's okay and she's worried about me... I'm worried about me... (wtf? I never say that!) But I think I'll be okay just as long as I play my guitar and possibly change my strings specially for tomorrow...

I'm in so much pain because of the tiredness and such. I don't want the pain anymore. I never wanted it and I still don't want it and I still can't deal with it.

Thanks for the replies, they're appreciated so much. I'm just trying to chill out listening to Jewel's voice. I just. Ugh. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm sorry if I'm not around tomorrow. I've either slept in or just not got a chance to get online for some reason or another...

I'm gonna try and sleep.. Goodnight..

[Tumnus]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

\

Okay.. What have I done today... Eaten... Decided that tomorrow I will put more videos on youtube...I'm worried about me... (wtf? I never say that!)

I'm gonna try and sleep.. Goodnight..

Wonderful to hear. Eating, making positive plans, placing enough value on yourself to worry and care about yourself. Trying to sleep.
All positive.

[turquoisesea]

*hugs*
here, listening

[ThePainNeverDies]

I didn't sleep last night, then had to get up this morning to run breakfast club. i couldn't be bothered, I knew no-one would turn up. Funnily enough, only one of the people working turned up. The music videos never happened, strings on my guitar got broken and I found out I have nits again.

From Charlene. AGAIN. So, tonight whether she likes it or not, I will be nit combing her hair. I am sick and tired of having nits and getting them from her. Ugh. It made me cry again

I am NOT in a good mood at all today. I almost oDed last night, I was so close to it and had been drinking alcohol too. I don't know what to do. I think Sky's going to call me tonight to make sure I'm okay, but I don't know...

I guess I'll just have to keep truckin' as per ******* usual

[muse]

((((((((((((((((((((((((ThePainNeverDies))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Oh, my friend, you are in such a painful, scary place. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, but PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!!

Have you considered calling a suicide hotline? They're not miracle workers, but the folks on the other end do try to help as very best they can, and sometimes it's a relief to just pour your heart out to a real, live human being. The number is 1-800-784-2433 and they're on call 24/7 if I remember correctly.

I play guitar myself. Could you post a youtube link to your videos? I want to hear your songs.

If you can... and if you're willing, though I know it's really scary... maybe admit yourself to a hospital? You said you weren't safe, so perhaps being in a place where you can JUST focus on YOU for a while will help? I know it basically saved my life after I attempted to OD.

Also--please get rid of the drugs. Really. If you get rid of the drugs you are thinking of OD'ing on, you can't OD (flushing them is kind of empowering!). I don't know if you need them for something else, but if not, please, PLEASE get rid of them.

Stay safe, stay you, and be nice to yourself!!! We're all here if you need us.

~muse

[turquoisesea]

I agree with Muse - get rid of the drugs if you can.

One thing I learned recently about alcohol and depression. Alcohol flushes some form of vitamin B from your body. Which in turn... well can make depression worse. It has been shown that vitamin b deficiency can CAUSE depression - that ALONE. So flushing it from your body does not help at all.
So try to go easy on the alcohol? If you can? Just some random trivia

sending hugs, hope you can feel a bit better soon, please stay safe. And muse's post is a good one. I am sure we are both thinking of you

[adamsgirl]

((((((((((((((((((((ThePainNeverDies))))))))))))))))))))

Hi Pain,

Re read skys post . That you won't think about all the negative messages that are being triggered today.

Ive heard it said .. Ill think about this tommorrow . or Ill have that drug tommorrow. Just to give yourself some time for this place to pass.

The negative things you expressed were given to you by an abuser And you belive them . others have come into your life and reinforced the same messages. When you see or think about them it triggers all of them to the point even a broken giitar string becomes to much to bear. Ive been there.

Its takes some work to root out the abusers messages from your life and separte you from them . untill you do you'll believe what they tell you and you'll continue to tell yourself thier implanted messages about you are true.

I hope you make it to see your T on tuesday Pain .

It may be part of the OCD to focus in on the negative and the hopelessness worrying it will always happen and the fear.

it may happen again because we can't control another persons words or actions others missinterpret and are clueless of what we can or cannot do not to mention judge our insides by our outsides clueless to the pain and destruction many of us have had to bear . We can learn how to give it back to them and to leave them in peace. if we can't let go of thier actions that hurt us so.

ever read the hole in the side walk?
its an oldie but goodie.

I:
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…
I am helpless.
It is not my fault.
It takes forever to find my way out.
II:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in…It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.

Patricia

[Tumnus]

(((((ThePainNeverDies)))))

Can't say much others haven't already said, but wanted to remind you that I care.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I can't get rid of the drugs, I do need them...I would try to otherwise.

I have no songs posted on youtube yet.. But I guess I can post links when I have FINALLY done them. It wasn't that the broken guitar string was unbearable... It was just the fact that everything built up and it meant I couldn't get the videos done that I'd promised myself and others I'd get done and I found out I've caught nits from someone here again and people being *****y and nasty and grrrrrr!!!! I hate it! I don't want to live here anymore, all the staff are pressuring me to be an amazing role model.. i knwo I'm already a good role model, so what if I dropped out of college?! It doesn't mean I LIKE being a bum. In fact I friggin' hate it!! I got so depressed over the weekend, feeling like a fat lazy s**t, that I just sat on my own brooding and then when people came to see me, I tried to cheer up but I couldn't. I just felt so lazy and sick and... Yuck!

I get the jist of what that poem means. I do try and take different paths everytime I do something, every time I try to improve my life... I'm just so fed up of failing at everything

My eating's gone way off the rails, I'm starving on and off and even when i do eat I'm restricting heavily.. It's getting to the point that if I try to eat, I just feel sick and stuffs... It's not good and I know it's not good but I just can't help it. I'm losing weight and Connor says I'm getting thinner and it's just... I don't know. It's just something I've always felt I need to do... Lose weight fast...

Sigh. Gaaaahhhh! Now I've been chosen to be the "judge" of a ready steady cook thing taht's going on at the foyer I live in. Charlene picked me to be a judge, so it means I hAVE to eat the food. Luckily, though... It's not unhealthy stuff... But it involves pasta!!!! I'm scared now. But it's not until next week...

I think I've been drinking about 6 days in a row now... :/ I won't be drinking tongiht, or up until Wednesday at the least, so I guess that's good. The sun's out today so I'm feeling a little better, just really tired and such.

I wish it could just get easier... Without so much pushing and shovin and sweat and tears