[kerria]

We need help , everything is so hard- we're so separated and no one understands or wants to understand IRL.
my parts are so separate and different and we 're constantly getting shocked because the wrong part is there to do things.

At work there was a job to do that involved talking with people about something we know about. A normal person would be together enough to have access to be able to communicate what they know to other people but we don't. all our parts are separate and we look like a complete idiot that knows nothing. The part that is there at work can only do the work we always do each day -not communicate with others. that's all. It's so frustrating. understatement.

We're having surgery this week and need to tell the boss that we need a day off but the work part isn't able to communicate it to the boss.The pain and the surgery isn't real to her so she can't say it.
i don't know what will happen- i guess i won't show up? It's so terribly hard to live this way.

Then the nerve block surgery is so triggering- we can't live in awareness of it. there have been bad flshbacks because the exact same feelings when we were sixteen have happened again- it's so hard to be here.

Everything is a major problem.
H. didn't get groceries when he went to the store. When we asked him what were we going to do in the morning he said angrily, "We'll starve and die." and my little is so afraid, no one is careful not to say things that hurt. she didn't know that it wasn't real and was crying and so afraid saying Why will we have to starve?
i'm so tired of being on this emotional rollercoaster. We've cried hundreds of tears today- mostly at church, and the pastor talked about casting demons out of two women- they had different voices . i have different voices too. i'm so afraid. i wish some one somewhere would understand or deal with what is wrong- fix it - heal us. Make it better. It feels like everyone IRL wants to make things worse for me because they don't understand about parts.
Everything is so impossible to live. It's so much a struggle and no one appreciates how much effort it is to even stand. We're so tired and upset.

Does anyone else have this struggle? What can help? we've been seeing T for five years and are not better.
everything is so scary and so hard. tears.
kerria

[CedarS]

Oh honey, I read this and feel for you immensely. What was said to you all about groceries especially gets to me.

Any support groups available to you locally, so you can connect up with others safely who understand?

Me personally, I don't think I could go to that church anymore.

I hope something eases your way, supports you and softens the edges of day to day living.

I know folks here understand about parts, hear you, hopefully something helps.

[kerria]

Thank you SarahL for understanding.

Last week my T put a paper in my hands about a support group for people with DID and then took it away from me when he saw how upset i was. T is afraid that i might embarrass him by going to the group at the hospital where he works? Why would he not want me to go?
i'm struggling so much without support. i don't know what is wrong with me / what is wrong with my T that he doesn't do anything to help.

It's so hard about church because i'm a member of that church for so long. It was a big part of my life. i don't think we're in any shape to find another church.
please pray for me that something will work out.

we never felt so alone.

[(JD)]

((((kerria)))) There are plenty of members here who do understand just what you are saying.

I'm wondering what would help you most in increasing good communication with all your parts. There is some communication since you know who and what is doing what or not, and who is feeling bad about what... and that's a good thing. (Versus noone knowing who is doing what at any time.)

Usually writing notes is important. It keeps everyone on track, if they can read. Maybe when your adult parts read the notes, part of the agreement (in writing) is that they read it OUT LOUD so any littles can also hear?

If you know some of what needs to be done... like someone needs to tell the boss something, then either ask for a part that can do that, or ask for help in writing it?

I've also heard of adult parts telling the littles to go play for a while or go to sleep and take a nap for when adult things happen. That would include the hospital visit? Maybe buy or bring a special comfort toy or cushy item to help them feel better too?

I guess the most important thing is for all of you to know that you are each important, and each have a job to do. It isn't one part against the other, per se, but how each of you have worked together to keep the body, main person, etc, safe.

I trust all will work out for you. It's important that your doctor know you are dissociative. Whether you explain how intensely is up to you.

[CedarS]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Thank you SarahL for understanding.

Last week my T put a paper in my hands about a support group for people with DID and then took it away from me when he saw how upset i was. T is afraid that i might embarrass him by going to the group at the hospital where he works? Why would he not want me to go?
i'm struggling so much without support. i don't know what is wrong with me / what is wrong with my T that he doesn't do anything to help.

It's so hard about church because i'm a member of that church for so long. It was a big part of my life. i don't think we're in any shape to find another church.
please pray for me that something will work out.

we never felt so alone.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You certainly have our prayers and best wishes.

Can you get the info for that support group back? Maybe not worry about what you think your T's motivations are, and just give it a try?

[CedarS]

Sky has really good suggestions too.
And these lil' sign holders are for her post.

[kerria]

(((((Sky))))) Thank you so much for writing.

i know that you and lots of people here understand what we're going through and face hard things like this too. It's people IRL that don't understand- i wish there were someone on my side. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like my T is on my side. He knows how hard a time we're having but never is able to make it easier for me.
we can't go to the group by ourselves. Probably if we did they would say we couldn't come. Everyone knows my T there. When we were inpatient there we had such a hard time. we were placed in isolation, my parts had no one to be- no way to ground because we didn't have an environment to draw out their identity- and we fell apart very badly.
Since then we're known as the bad patient i think. Or a hard patient.

i tried to write a note about it. The problem isn't that the part at work doesn't know but that she won't say it . It's hard to explain because i don't really know why she can't. It worries me that maybe we don't want to have the surgery and there isn't cooperation to have the surgery. There's nothing i can do about that either. i hope that T can help, i see T one time before the surgery and i hope that he can find out.

we know some things that parts do - like an overview i think. Mostly i know because t talks to them and i listen every week. We can't journal because it's too upsetting. i want to try. there isn't enough support IRL. T only sees us once a week and we need to go twice at least. Every dr i saw thinks so- the three Drs i went to see to try medication and the Drs in ERs that i went to in crisis during the past three years-about six- eight times- they all know i have DID. My parts live in the outside world, not just inside. There isn't ability to hide it anymore .
i can't just tell them to 'go to sleep now,' and things like that- there isn't the person in charge to do it. They can't hear me talk all the time. Some parts get through- i don't know. We need help doing it.
If T said it from the outside , it would be easier . Everything is just so hard now. We're upset about so many things. Even though i know a little of how some parts feel and some of what happened, it doesn't always help because parts don't think of it the same way .
The part at work would feel like she was lying , it would look to the supervisor that she was just trying to get out of work and there was no surgery.
Maybe what i should do is bring in the dr's checklist for instructions for surgery and maybe she will show it to the boss. i don't think so- it's an invasion of our privacy and i KNOW that it will upset me at work. It's hard enough already.

i don't know what to do. It's not my fault- please don't blame me. Everything is so hard. tears. i wish someone IRL, like my h , would understand and not blame me. It's a major step of faith just to go to work. i have to try to do that now.

There are other important things that we're planning for this weekend for our family. we need someone that understands to help. that's my prayer now. i can't fall apart any more.

Thanks so much for being there (((((Sky))))) and (((((SarahL))))) Thank you for prayers.

Love,
kerria

[RhysMadison]

I'd drop the church, the T, &amp; if you could, your H. You need love &amp; support &amp; understanding, not people who demean you in any way, shape, or form. Enough is enough, tell them. I would've shoved that paper down T's throat. You might embarrass him??? Oh come on! How can you embarrass him? Your choice to do something. If people are embarrassed, hurt, it's on them, their responsibility, NOT YOURS. He's playing around w/ you. That is abuse. Report him! You don't need this.
You have a right to be treated w/ respect &amp; dignity. Demand it. Don't let them use you like this, please. It breaks my heart to see this happening. When you could be feeling good things.
Love,
RM

[kerria]

(((((((RhysMadison))))))
Thank you but i have no one IRL. We have to get by with who we can find. Tears. i wish so much i could find another T . i was so upset when we talked again this week about the support group and why i couldn't go. Then T told me about his vacation for the first time and it's next week. i'm so upset with him- i wish so much there was someone else. He doesn't care about me at all and makes me feel less than human, calling out my parts until i feel so disconnected and then nothing is fixed- nothing is solved. Then he blames me because i can't do the things he said- like journal- when it hurts too much to journal - i need more help, how to take it little at a time- not just generally "journal." What does that mean in my life - my life that we jump from part to part because it's too painful to live anymore.

Tears.

thank you RhysMadison, for understanding and for caring that we're at the end of ourselves in sadness because of being alone in the mess everything is.
i hate when T blames me. He said to make an appt and talk about how he can help more but he forgot. The focus was on the things i can't do.

i wish i could find another t who could help me do better. Everything is a confusing mess for months.

(sorry for the rant) we just came home from t.

thank you again, RhysMadison for identifying with me.
Take care of you,
kerria

[CedarS]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I'd drop the church, the T, & if you could, your H. You need love & support & understanding, not people who demean you in any way, shape, or form. Enough is enough, tell them. I would've shoved that paper down T's throat. You might embarrass him??? Oh come on! How can you embarrass him? Your choice to do something. If people are embarrassed, hurt, it's on them, their responsibility, NOT YOURS. He's playing around w/ you. That is abuse. Report him! You don't need this.
You have a right to be treated w/ respect & dignity. Demand it. Don't let them use you like this, please. It breaks my heart to see this happening. When you could be feeling good things.
Love,
RM

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">



Kerria,

Even though you may not have any of this good stuff yet rl, you can, there is hope.

Sometimes in order to find the good stuff, I have to get the bad out of my life fully. I have to say -No- to any type of abuse.

This can be a scary process, this I know, since I have no guarantee that when I close one door, a good one will open. But, invariably, by walking away from the bad, I find hope, I find new answers. A brighter day.

Sarah

[kerria]

(((((Sarah))))) Thank you for understanding. i don't think we're in a good place now to leave anything. We're having surgery today. There is a lot of pain and it's so triggering- some have thought it was body memories but it's not. i'm taking a large amount of pain meds but they have to look for better ways to control it- the pain is impossible to live with. i'm having this surgery to temporarily block the nerves to find out what else will or won't work. It's so scary to have needles - littles are so afraid, we're afraid also. i hope we can manage to live in the part that can handle having the surgery. i wish T could have worked on that instead of everything else we talked about yesterday

They know that i have DID at the hospital where i'm having the procedure done because i went there a few times before and was an inpatient there also. i hope that the dr won't find out- won't treat me differently because of it.

we've tried not going to T and not going to church. It's too hard to manage. we need to find someone to help- i wish my T would care enough about me to help me.
Some of my parts are attached to him- littles are but they haven't been allowed to come out very much in t lately. Yesterday T tried and one came. It makes it harder to leave if they have this close relationship with him, that's why we try to prevent them from coming out.
i wish T would just try to find ways to help me.

Thank you for writing and being there. it helps so much. Thank you for understanding. It's so hard to go through these things alone . i wish i were strong enough to leave but i guess i still am hoping that it will work out with H, church and T.
Thanks Sarah, again, for being there,
kerria

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((( Kerria ))))))))))))))

I hope your surgery goes well today and that you all come through it ok.

[MacD]

sending love and prayers your way.....hang in there...grace

[CedarS]

((((((((kerria and littles)))))))

Good luck with surgery, our good wishes are with you.