Trying to reach out...............................

I have written and re-written this trying to find a way to say what I need to say. Maybe part of it is being able to accept it myself. This past week has been draining and something that is hard to put into words. My heart is trying to understand it all. Going from a plan to check out of life itself to feeling I love myself. Going from one place on the spectrum to the total opposite of the spectrum. How does one explain that?

I knew within myself that in order for me to release that little girl from behind the wall where I went so long ago, that it was going to take my life and myself. What I was not realizing was where that feeling was coming from. It was from something that was to happen when I got to the point of realizing she was not dead. For all my life I thought that that part of myself was dead. That she died so long ago. I never realized when I saw the walls breathing that it was her somewhere within.

So long ago, when things were going on I escaped within the walls where no one could reach me. To become a part of that wall that was silence and the wall held that pain so I did not have to. The silence within that wall was deathlike, and somewhere that those that hurt me was not. To slip away and forget that they were there was the only way that little girl, myself could be. Wanting so much to die as a little girl. So many times I have wondered how can a little girl know that she wanted to die?

A child is supposed to play and to not care what is going on around her. She is suppose to be cared about and loved, to not think about where she can go to find a way to get away from what is taking place. But this little girl did not play, not the kind of things children are supposed to play. She did not think about running and just being for she did not have a chance to just be. Constantly trying to figure out how she could be good and just be wanted and loved.

Fighting hard, pushing against those within that lined that wall and stopped myself from being able to release her was something I cannot explain. Fighting to live and to accept myself. That core part of myself that I thought had died so long ago. Taking back my own self from those that took it and trying to break free from a hold they had. Through it all breaking the very thing programmed within to ultimately take myself. Reaching out and taking that little girl back within myself, I find myself at a loss right now.

I know that she is safe within for the first time in forty some years. Now how do I find that within myself to give her that love she so needs and when she looks at me my heart breaks even farther. I know now everything that she holds. Her little face swollen and bruised looks up at me. The little giggle I heard when she was playing with the others within really tugged at my heart in a way I cannot explain, for she has never experienced that. How do you love when you never had love? For the past three years I have had love or what is suppose to be love, but maybe for the first time I have ever really felt it or maybe that is what it is we are feeling.

To mother myself is something that I know not how to do. For I never was mothered the way a mother was suppose to love her child. Even having my own children I stepped away for it scared me to think that in changing them or bathing them I may be hurting them. My own mothering to my children did not make sense to me for all I knew is I never wanted them to be hurt not in any way. To protect them at all cost even at the possible cost of myself. So to reach out to myself now is something I am having a difficult time doing or even understanding.

Feeling lost yet as if some part of myself has now come back. Feeling as though a piece of the puzzle has been found and possibly it is the one piece that had to be found in order for anything else to fit where it needs to go. For how do you build without the piece that started it all? Maybe realizing that is part of the fear in and of itself. For in finding her I now have found the emotions that were blocked for so long. When I would accept the others as they have shown themselves, I was happy but it seemed to be something I could not hold onto. Maybe for the basic fact, I had nothing to hold onto. The emotions could not really be felt for I somehow could not connect to something I could not have.

I have been crying for what feel like days now. Something I cannot explain but all I know is it hurts. The reality of what happened has hit me right between the eyes, and I cannot look away. It feels heavy and it hurts more than I can convey in words. I cannot seem to turn away from it for it is something that now I really feel and something that has become real for me. It feels as though I am raw and opened and though someone is pouring salt into the open wounds that are burning. Trying to stay connected but at times somehow wishing I could turn away from what I am seeing.

Today feels so cold as within things are stirring deep. My eyes burn from tears and I am unsure how to comfort myself. Feeling anything but okay right now. Turning away from others so they do not have to see what it is that is coming. Painting on a face for the world when the fact that I have a face is something I do not want to know. My heart aches with a pain I have no words for. All I know is it feels as though I am alone within all this pain. And though the world around me goes on I have fallen silent somewhere inside me trying now to comfort and find a way to keep from falling apart.

Never having emotions this feels almost unreal and I question myself. How could this have happened? How could someone be brought into the world but feel and be nothing but an object, a thing for those around her? How do you put feeling back into something that is empty and knows no feelings? And how do you mother when you had no mother? All I know is right now it hurts maybe for the first time feelings of what it really felt like have emerged and I feel so lost yet at the same time like I know. Somewhere all I want is to be held and to know things are going to be okay because right now, they feel anything but okay.

dps

((((((((((((((((((((dps)))))))))))))))))))
Holding you and hearing you.

I too was surprised that it sometimes is a 2 year old part that wants to hurt herself. That just seems too young, how sad.

I also do not know how to parent myself. I am struggling parenting my real children and having to do it for myself is overwhelming at times.

When my t recently asked what the 12 year old and her "room" looked like I really didn't know. Later I responded that she looked, acted, had a room that was whatever everyone else wanted. Her own opinions and needs didn't matter.

I just want you to know that I hear you and I understand some of what you are going through. You are not alone. Please understand how much you mean to me.

Being with you, for support and understanding, and holding,
comp

DPS,

Each day is new!

Thank you for taking the time to get to know her and to learn about what she would like, for she will tell you just bend your ear down and listen.

In a way thanks for the silent walls until this day when you are able to, one step at a time, release all the little ones.

Thank you for caring for your own children in a gentle, kind, loving and safe way and putting your own life on hold until you knew they could be on their way.

Thank you for deciding not to stop caring for yourself and for going the next steps to your healing and after 40 years saying: "Hi" to this new little one.

Thank you for saying: "I don't know how to love her".

Thank you for allowing her to feel the feelings of hurt and thank you for asking how you can possibly show her the love you never had. You will love her, I know DPS, as you show kindness and concern to all of us here.

You have done some much these days, toward your healing, DPS, my friend. Good work.

I smile positively at all your efforts and say here is a little love that you can share with her.

Hi, little one, don't forget to tell DPS what you need to 'not have so many hurties'...like maybe she has an icecream or a stuffie for you. Okay? She wants to give you what you need, Okay?

Lots of baloons, feathers, flowers, blue skies, clouds, sunshine and shade for you DPS and the littles ones, including this lovely newly out little one.

Cheerio,
Hunny
Gentle

((((comp))))

Thank you for caring and for reading. I am so sorry that you also understand some of what I am saying. No little girl or anyone should ever have to know this. I am lost right now in all that is taking place within myself. I am scared as I look out around myself trying to understand this great big place they call world. For I only lived within myself for so long and even later stepping ouside of myself I could not see what was around me for it was within I was hiding away afraid to look or to risk being seen.

Trying to reach out now for awhile, I am finding that for the first time I feel anything for real, and the feelings I have are confusing. I am almost afraid to feel these things for I never knew it was even okay to feel. Knowing that other people feel these things somehow does not make it any easier for when you kept yourself from life how do you really know it is okay. I know that it was not my fault and I do not any longer want to carry their guilt and shame. But I have to say that I still hear it screaming through my head at a sound much louder than normal. Maybe it is because I am turning away from something that for so long was truth to me and all within.

Some within are really scared at this new awareness. I look out now and see those within as if the compartments are no longer there to the degree that everyone is so separate. I know that things had to take place the way they have in order for me to get to this place, but it has been hard and now exhausted I am unsure. I do not know what next or how, all I know is for the first time I feel emotions I have never felt before. And it is scary not knowing what they are or how to deal with them. And still somewhere in the back of my mind a fear of we are not suppose to have these. I know that will take time to settle but until then I am lost within it all.

Thank you for caring and for being here with me. It means so much. I appreciate you and thank you for your support and holding.

dps

((((Hunny))))

Thank you my friend for your words. They really touched me and tears are in my eyes once again. Finding that part of myself has been an awareness I was not quite ready for in a way yet in another way knowing that in order for me to move forward she had to be found. The silent walls had to be brought down in order for anyone to move forward and the light to feelings could be released.

It hurts and is something I am really afraid of but yet I move forward slowly taking one step at a time. Trying to reach out to her with fear that I may hurt her yet knowing that she somehow needs my understanding and my love. Hoping somehow I can find that love within myself that layed dormant for so many long years and never really developed for it knew not how to.

Over the last three years I have seen love work and I have tried to feel it and know it but for the first time I am understanding it or at least trying to. It is something that at the same time is wanted and needed but also scary. Somehow it is like someone put glasses on me for the first time and I can see clearly for once. And I reach forward and the same time withdrawing for fear of the unknown.

She is right here with me and she is trying to reach for me and I for her. I fear hurting her fragileness yet I somehow know her very well. I know I sound confusing for I come and go almost as quickly in and out of feelings. But thank you for your support and for the love you are sharing. I appreciate you so much and thank you for caring. It means so much to me (and all within) (and her).

dps

((((((((((dps))))))))))

how much i understand the inability to know how to parent those within who need that gentle touch, that mothering that needs to be. i struggle greatly in how to parent my child, and she is 14. I do not know how to parent because when I was her age I was uncared for, thrown to the side as if I were too damaged to do or be any good for anyone. I find it hard to put into words because I don't see myself as good at all. I reluctantly parent my child, but hope that I am there for her when she needs me, even though I am sure that I could do better, much better. I would like to say that I am able to parent myself as well, but I really do not know how.

I see strength in you, resolve to see this through to the end and that encourages me to keep on fighting for my own recovery. I see that even though fear assails you, you continue to move on, almost afraid to, but still you press on. I am encouraged to see you take small steps and make them huge.

I know it seems that this is going to undo you. I really get that. But know that you will not be undone. Rather, it will unravel so that you can see the thread clearly and be able to roll it back up so that it is not knotted or messy.

Thank you for sharing yourself with us. You give great hope for those of us who share your steps, who walk similar ways. Thank you for allowing us to step into your life, and walk a ways with you. Thank you for your valor and your grasp on life. Thank you for showing the way, while not sure of the way yourself.

I am sitting quietly with you, caring about you and giving you the gentle support you need. You have all I can give right now. Offering strength and hope. Be well, my friend.

Yahna

((((DPS))))
We are here to for you and yes it is still hard on us to feel like we are doing good. In so many ways we still feel like our good is not good enough. But push comes to shove we all do the best that we can. Our son came up to us to test the waters of his new found freedom. WE just looked at him and reminded him it was our job to give him the skills to make the right choices but he had to choice to us them. We told him we loved him and we did the best we could with what those around us was willing to let us do for him.
You know what he gave us a hug and told us he loved us. We may not always do the right things but pur children and inner children can tell when we come to them with love and acceptance.
We are hear for you and are sitting with you.

DPS,

We understand that we are fairly new here and that it sometimes takes a long time to trust those you don't know, but we want you to know that everyone here at the hotel hears you. CE, our protector, has wanted to reach out to you and hold you in a very gentle way. She knows it is not possible except in the virtual world that is the internet but she wants you to know that she is here to hold you on her lap when you feel it is safe. We are all with you and listening and hearing you. We wish we could do more, but right now we are unable. Please take all the gentle hugs and warm fuzzies from the hotel that you need. Take care of yourself, all of you. May peace and tranquility find you soon.

With gentle love,

Faith

((((Yahna and all the jewels))))

Thank you my dear friend for your support, your encouragement, your care, and your love. Your words touched my heart and I hold them very dear to me. Tears filled my eyes as I read your words. I know that you are struggling too yet you reached out and you cared. I hear you and know where you are.

I do so understand the parenting thing. For I am not sure how to parent those within myself. I too was not loved or wanted but as an object. How does an object have feelings? For so long I stayed within that wall where it was safe. Feelings have been silenced for so long and carried by Silence herself. She just stepped forward just a few weeks ago when she knew it was time.

These feelings and emotions go far beyond anything I understand and although they are coming I am fearful of what I do not know. Others within myself are standing strong or at least as strong as they can. I am finding so much fear within myself and I know that those that watch are not finished.

My heart goes out to you and I thank you for giving me the opportunity to be your friend. I am walking this road with all here and we are all working on this together. For when one falls we are all there to help lift them and carry them until they can get their footing once again. But we are also there when one has a victory no matter how small or big. To celebrate that part of themselves that has broken that hold that they once thought none of us would break.

I am honored to have you all walking this path with me. You all give me insite and strength each day to walk forward. I know that I can reach out here and there is all the support and love one could ever need. I am so greatful to you all and everyone here. Thank you for your friendship and love. I love you too. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

((((anderson))))

Thank you my friend for your words and your support. You mean so much to all of us. Your words touched my heart and I know that you understand and are there with us. I do get that feeling that our good is not good enough. But truth is it really is. With everything we do that they did not think we would it is good. No matter how minute or giant, it is good. It is one more thing they cannot keep.

Anderson, you and all here are doing the best we can. Everyday we get up and put one foot in front of the other we are doing the best we can. Everyday we stand up to those that want to hurt us and we are willing to take another step we are doing the best we can. Each time we break another hold or another lie we are doing the best we can.

Each day we come here and are willing to reach out either to risk reaching and sharing or if we support with words, enocuragement, or hugs we are breaking that cycle that for so many of us they thought we never would. I remember a few years ago I was so afraid to post and to reach out. I thought I could not ever do that. But each one of you have helped make that possible.

You have given me and all within so much support and acceptance that now we can reach. And even though sometimes it is scary and hard, we take that risk because it is safest here where we are surrounded by those that understand and connect.

So thank you for walking with me and sitting with me. It means more than you could know. I am honored to be amongst the greatest people I know. Thank you for giving me the chance to get to know you and to be there for you too. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

((((justdontknow))))

Thank you for posting and for reaching out. Welcome to pc and I am glad you are here and I look forward to getting to know you more. What you said really touched my heart. I appreciate you reaching out to me and I know it takes time to build trust but it is okay. I am willing to take that time to get to know you all.

Please tell CE that I thank her for wanting to reach out and for caring. I hope to get to know her and all within you. Sometimes a verual hug can mean the world and I accept your hugs as if they were real. Thank you. It is okay if she reaches out to me, I feel honored that she wants to. Thank you for sharing that with me.

Please know that just your words are enough and they do not go unnoticed or unheard. I hold on to all your words and that is what many times gets me through each day. Sometimes I just read what everyone has written when I feel I cannot go on another step. This week has been one of those weeks when I have clung to so many words from all of you.

Thank you for listening and for being here with me. I am taking hugs from the hotel as I write. It means more than you know especially right now. Please take care of you and know that I am here if you ever need or want to talk. Please feel free to pm me anytime. I know that right now I am hurting beyond what these words can portray, but I also know that tomorrow is a new day and a chance to take another step forward.

And even when we take a step forward and possibly two steps back, I know that we will never again be at that beginning place and that with time we will continue to move forward if we keep risking and taking that chance to move. Somedays barely walking, somedays crawling, somedays just reaching with all we have to move at all. But we will get there in time if we do not quit.

So thank you again for reaching out to me and all within. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

((((DPS! ))) Wow!!! You are going through so much processing! Sorry I just now had the chance to come back to finish reading your thread. I started yesterday and my mom called - uggg! That always makes things go loopy in my head!

WOW! You are just processing so much right now. This part you wrote really stuck with me:

"Over the last three years I have seen love work and I have tried to feel it and know it but for the first time I am understanding it or at least trying to. It is something that at the same time is wanted and needed but also scary. "

oh boys do we understand that! It is like you can see it and sense it and get close to it ... but there is a deep fear of it.

VERY big hugs to you!!!

((((Wepow))))

Thank you dear friend for what you said. It is something we need but are so afraid of at the same time. When will it go away? A question we often ask so many times in many ways. For it seemed it never was attainable or reachable not for us anyways.

We thank you so much for being our friend and for listening. Walking this path together makes it somehow a little easier and sharing with you all somehow feels okay. Our heart is so thankful for each one of you and for the inspiration you have been to all of us.

Today we are quiet and very withdrawn. Something we cannot seem to put into words or maybe we will not right now. Sometimes we try and try to make some sort of sense of things but they never quite make sense, we somehow never quite reach that understanding, or maybe we are not suppose to.

The fact is that right now we are dealing with something that we are finding no answers for. And no way to really tell. For it is not to be told. Finding ones self is something that had to be done in order to move forward but sometimes there are things or people in life that stop us just short of reaching farther, or at least at the moment.

We know we are not making very much sense right now but truth is there is a reason. We are trying and we are fighting to be okay. Sometimes all we can do is hold on and hold on tight. Things will get better right?

Getting a part of yourself that you thought had died behind a wall where somehow it was safe and where the screams and cries were blocked out is really hard to accept but sometimes things in life can come and make it harder. I guess I feel that this is one of those days where we at least got up and put one foot in front of the other so we are doing the best we can.

It is not easy to look at things you hid for so long and know that there was a reason, and that reason being so you could somehow go on. Somehow take another moment, minute, day, year.

Thank you for the hugs and for caring. It is okay that you took care of you, for that is important. Love you. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((dps)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Healing can be such a painful process. But, you are healing. You are a survivor and will all pull together to help all of you heal. It takes time. Please try to comfort each part as it is such a scary thing to do. You are very brave. know I am here. You are not alone.

BB

I understand so much of what you speak of. My childhood was spent in utter confusion trying to understand why I was treated differently from my brothers and why my mother was so distant to me. You speak of the fear and when it will go away. It seems fear follows us, hiding in the shadows just waiting until we are feeling small and hurt by lack of understanding or something triggering our parts that feel unwanted. Then it comes back full force just when we think we have won the battle against it. I wish I knew the answer. Even if all our parts are rescued and we are one at last, I think fear of the unknown, the future, the past, of other people, of ourselves will still be there in some form. Thank goodness we have each other here to help us as we fit the pieces of our puzzles into their proper places and learn more about where we have been, what happened to each piece or how each piece is related to the one next to it. Each time I remember something through thought, body memory, or flashback, I still have to find where the piece fits and what part was created to handle it. And then with T's help find common ground with the parts that hurt and feel betrayed, and rescue them from the picture. Then one more piece of the puzzle can be put in it's place, and for a brief moment we feel stronger and have courage and hope that the future will be much better. Darkpurple, you are special and I am glad you are here to share your thoughts and struggles. You inspire me to keep going. 1Girl

((((BB))))

Thank you for being here and for walking here with me. So many times when I feel so alone I come here and read what others have said and it gives me courage to go one more step or to reach out one more time. Sometimes I do not feel very brave but feel like it is all I can do to stand or take the next step. Sometimes when things come and knock you back down it is so hard to get back up and go on.

And then comes the shutdown and all you want to do is hide away where no one knows. But then there is those here that walk this same up and down path and it gives me strength to walk one more mile. Thank you for caring and for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate you. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

((((1girl))))

Aww thank you oxbowgirl for those loving words and envouraging words. They really touched my heart and once again brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry that you can understand so well what I say. I know that many here walk similar paths and with all of us walking the same direction we can help one another along the way.

I think you are right that there will always be that fear of then, now, others, and what next. For those that grew up in that fear it is hard to imagine a time it will not be present. Seems we always live in a state of watching and waiting. I wish it were not that way, but for us it is a constant.

You wonder who may be around this next turn, or what will this person expect, or where will they come from next time. Yet, here at pc we all can gain strength and knowledge from what someone shares or maybe we can finally find the very words we were looking for all along that we could not seem to find on our own. The very words that may tell what it is we have been trying to say for so long.

And we can be there for each other to encourage and cheer them when they take that next step however small or giant it may be for all steps count when you have never taken any before. And the fear somehow does not seem so big when I am here amongst those that can understand and relate in some way.

I think finding the puzzle pieces takes time as for so many of us the pieces were shattered and splintered and there is more than one piece to each piece and there are no directions or even a picture to follow as to what it is suppose to look like. We take risks and chances with each piece we look at and attempt to put where it belongs.

With each risk and each attempt, we learn a little more and if we keep trying someday it will come together and we will begin to see the one who first stood before it fell all to pieces. And then we can see the totality of ourselves with all connected and together.

So the risks are worth it in the end however scary or how many times we have to take another risk another chance, and we are not alone for here are many that walk this road and together we can encourage and support one another.

Thank you hon for your loving words they mean so much more than I can tell you. Sometimes we feel as a ghost and so afraid that maybe we do not make sense or that we push others away because maybe we do not say it right. My heart is full of words that find their way out one at a time. If anything we say can help someone else then it has been worth it.

I thank you and if you ever need anything please feel free to pm me. I really care and I understand so many things others say. I am glad you are here at pc. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps