working together?

I didn't cut last night! I came really close, but I let Little write some stuff about not wanting me to cut us. Then I took a shower and got into bed. I kind of thought I'd cut last night - my Little did too.

After I got into bed, before I fell asleep - which took a long time, I had thoughts of me and my littles together in a room. My littlest, who's the brave one, locked the two negative ones in a closet (they're the ones that encourage me to hurt myself). Then me and my littles sat together on a couch - except for one of my middle little. She stays to herself. My littlest one pulled out her "fairy wand" and tapped each of us for protection.

(gets a little scary at this point) A monster came out of no where toward us so we crawled into the bedroom in my mind and snuck under the covers - except for my middle little. She sat in a chair next to the bed. But then the floor started to fall away. So we grabbed middle little and pulled her onto the bed. Arms and hands started grabbing out from the wall at us. We weren't scared though because we were under the covers in our bed. That's all I remember.

It might sound scary but it wasn't. I didn't feel scared. Maybe I was supposed to? But no one did. We just felt together - me and my three littles.

I know I was awake when I thought of all that. I don't remember if I stayed awake much longer after or what I thought about. I know I dreamt last night - I usually remember at least some of what I dream each night.

My T says we should try to work together. Is this working together? Does anyone else do things with their alters/identities inside their mind? Is this real? Is it just my imagination? T says my littlest is the brave one. My oldest little is kind of the babysitter - supporting littlest. Middle little doesn't talk. Her quiet sullenness used to scare my littlest some, but now my littlest just wants to be friends. Sometimes she'll set a toy beside middle little.

This doesn't seem real though. How is this different than my imagination? What is real?! I did not want to accept I have DID. I never considered I had alters until two years ago, and then I just had one little. My T says they were likely all there all along. I just didn't know it. How? This really just doesn't seem real at all! What if it's not real? What if I'm making it all up?

Well, I know I cut. I know I was going to cut last night. I know I didn't cut. So, whatever real or imaginary thing is or is not going on in my mind - I didn't hurt myself. I guess that's good, right?

((((((hugs )))))))
Alright DID is very mixed up sometimes. But understand that the diffrence bettween it and you rimagenation is what you know is not real and your mind makes it up. Wile if it was imagened then how could it affect not only you but also the littles that can come out. Sometimes even I think that I am just a peace of lillys imagenation that is to help her to servive. But the fact is that whatr ever we are we affect you and who you are. Not being scared is team work. If you can not be scared of a moster and a falling floor you can work on being not as scared inside. We work on that with lilly all the time. Understand wether it is your imagenation or you what matters is how it effects you.

I wish you the best,
Lavender

Congratulations on all the working together, Beyond_blue! It is sometimes in the quiet of the night that I am able to communicate within and sometimes other times and places.

My what a lovely thing to do with 'middle little' who is often on its own, to bring her onto the bed, and maybe even under the covers for protection, with the others in such a potentially scary situation. And thanks to the littlest one for pulling out her fairy wand for protection of everyone, seems like she knew of the potential danger before anyone, she is smart!

Who knows maybe even the two locked in the closet will someday know the kind of safety the others have and learn how to be together with you all. In good time though.

In the meantime you are a brave group and were able to sustain the night in much safety and without fear. That is quite a feat.

Do take care and I hope you have a lovely day.

((((beyond_blue)))))
You are doing a wonderfull job. As to wether it is real or not that comes with the acceptance of the non physcal world. I was tought that each part of me that hid inside was a true warriorer that each one did its best to protect the whole until it could no longer endore. When we cut or have panic attacks the main cause is that we are afared of more abuse.
In the past it was more of the fact that the body was not good for us cause it made others hate us and hurt us. Plus no mater how far you hide inside the pain of abuse can still find you.
we hope the protector and all those within can find peace and work more together. As to the ones that want to hurt for those within us we had them do thing to relieve the pressure of the pain that they held.
we got a big stuff animal and had them act out their anger towards some thing inanimate. This allowed them to exspess all the pain and angry that they held for us.
Know that we are here and we are thinking about all those within you. From all those within us safe hugs for those that need them and safe vibes that just need to know that they are not alone no more.

((((Beyond_Blue))))

That is wonderful news that you refrained from SIB. Good job. It is great to hear of your working together with the littles on having safety. That touched my heart when you said your littlest put a toy by your middle one. That is so loving! Yes, we do things together on the inside. The time that I spend with my littles and the others is so precious to me whether we spend time together on the inside or if we are sharing the body on the outside (I can only do this with a select few though). Keep working together within and creating that safety that you all need and deserve. We are all sending you lots of hugs and warm fuzzies from the hotel when you want them.

Cris

Thank you all who replied with such words of encouragement. My sweet Little did such a wonderful job last night! I'm very proud of her!!


She's sad right now...very sad. She thinks she let me down. I hurt myself pretty badly earlier today. She heard me thinking that it was worse today because I didn't do it last night.

But I'm trying to explain to her that I'm glad she did what she did last night. The urge was fairly strong last night, but she/we were able to not cut. The fact that we didn't cut is huge!! I'm so sad that my little baby Little is hurting inside. The mean ones were just too over powering today.

My littlest Little aches the most when I hurt myself. All the rest of us seem to go numb about it. Sometimes it even makes me feel better. It only hurts her though.

As I try to understand and accept DID as part of who I am, I'm looking at those inside me as more separate, which seems odd since the goal is to work together. But I guess I have to learn what everyone does first. My T says Little is the brave one. I have to wonder how someone so tiny, someone only a few years old, someone with such a small scope of understanding can be so strong, so big, so wise!!!! I feel like emotionally she towers over me! She has such a greater grasp on emotions than I do.

I want to say to my sweet baby Little: I'm so proud of you for standing up to the mean ones last night. Don't let the negative things I think hurt you. We'll tell T this week what you did and he is going to be proud too! I don't want to tell you not to be sad. Wanting you not to be sad when you hurt is selfish of me because it makes me feel guilty when I hurt you. So, it's okay to feel sad and to feel betrayed and to feel mad and to feel pain. I love you Little.

((((Blue))))

I am sorry to hear that you did not have a good day today. What you said to Little was very heartfelt and loving. I am also amazed that some of my bravest and wisest are my littlest ones. Our counselor says that they are not really children, they just look like that. I can see what he means because it is unfathomable that a 2 year old could defeat an evil introject by herself. I hope that you have a better day tomorrow and you take care of all of you.

Cris

Sad and confused this morning. Questioning and doubting everything. What if everything I'm doing, thinking, feeling is wrong? My grandmother lived into her 80's. She survived an abusive and violent life - a life way worse than mine ever even came close to being. She never went to counseling. She never took medication. She was miserable, but so am I. She survived. I don't think I'll live to be 80. I don't want to live to be 80!

Why try to "figure" things out? Why try to "get better?" For centuries, people just dealt with the cards they were dealt and moved on - many people still do. What makes me think I have the right to stop everything to "get help?" There are people with debilitating physical illnesses - illness from which there is no recovery, no choice. And here I sit - able bodied - doing nothing. Why can't I be stronger? Why can't I push myself more? I did everything I needed to get done before...so why not now? I hit a bump in the road and allowed myself to fall to pieces.

What if I'm doing everything wrong? What if I'm making everything worse? Why shouldn't I just ignore it all and go back to living, working? Quit therapy. What if I'm digging myself into a deeper hole? What if therapy is nothing more than a creative way to self injure? It certainly hurts. What if I never get any better, only worse? What if there's nothing wrong with me (okay, not nothing - that ship has sailed! - but not DID)? What if I'm making a big mistake? What if I'm allowing myself to be "sicker" than I really am to justify not working, not succeeding? What if it's mostly just an excuse? Why can't I go back three years and do things differently? What if it was only my poor choices that led me to this place - not an illness? What if the choices I'm making now are leading me down an even more treacherous path - one that leads to nothing?

Hurt myself again today. Little isn't coming out. I think she's mad at me - or hiding from the pain I've inflicted. I usually can go a few weeks without cutting and then it's just one time. This is two days in a row and more severe. I have to stop before tomorrow's therapy appointment. I have to be able to honestly say I'm safe. I need the urge to subside. This week was too stressful. Angry. Annoyed. Sad. Afraid. Confused. Too many emotions for one week. This has to stop.

((((( Beyond_blue )))))

So much going on for you. Here I am, present for you and reading. My alters used to and still do sometimes get pretty wrought-up before a therapy session, especially at first, well first 3 years or so. There is much mystery around what you are saying and as such does need to be given time to unravel as does any mystery situation.

Denial of events and programed to think better of people than what they are has been a block here too. Questions arise about all kinds of scenarios. Answers are few in the beginning but given time they do become really clear. Depending how long it has been shoved down by others and then by yourself/myself and the severity of the horrows is how long it will take. As the process goes, though and there is more internal connection amongst the parts, I see a certain calmness prevails. Not a calm of denial but a kind of knowing peace. Did I say peace, well, yes, kind of. Taking one step and then another, addressing each event, one alter, one at a time...yes sometimes even spending longer on some than others. I write to myself too Beyond_blue. There is no one more informed about you than you.

Today we have the part tell us something we would rather not know. We have learned that putting some of those very extreme things into a thick walled metal safe and dropping them to the bottom of the ocean till they can be addressed is best. We no longer want to put the harm on the little ones but find ways to lay aside the intensity. When there is peace in our valley we try to deal with those extremes. Becoming stabilized is so important. To be able to manage it at sessions after we become stabilized. Grounding becomes paramount. Calming thoughts and visuals. Soothing activities that the body thanks us for. Rest as much as I can. Basically a quiet time at home, a safe place. This is a daily pursuit when things are more calm in order to allow me to face those issues that are more traumatizing when they come up. In essence to see myself/ves as friends not those that harmed me.

Safety to you and even more calm in the days to come.

(((Blue)))

We are listening and sitting here with you. We want to offer any and all support that we can give. Please do what you need to do to care for yourself and your littles. Have you tried journaling? Lots of times that helps me. Krista wants to let Little borrow Bunny (a stuffed toy rabbit that is actually kind of sad looking 'cause she's so worn out from all the hugs ) for a while. Krista said to tell Little that Bunny makes her feel better when she gets hurt by Laura (one of my angry teens). She said Bunny can make her feel better if she wants to hold her for a while. All of us here are praying for peace to find you and for safety for all. Please take as many warm fuzzies and safe hugs from the hotel as you need (we have tons of them!) whenever you need them.

Cris et al

Thank you all. Your words are very reassuring and comforting. It's nice to feel your presence.

Unfortunately, I'm becoming increasingly overwhelmed in an eerie calm kind of way. I hurt myself again since I wrote last tonight. I'm afraid to tell my T what I've done. Little is afraid I won't tell him. I've always told him. I haven't hurt myself like this in a long time. I haven't hurt myself like this since I've been seeing my T.

I've been very bothered/worried by one cr*ppy, crazy, sad situation after another this week. Still haven't got my head wrapped around a really difficult session last week with my T. Scared about tomorrow...even more now. Not sure how to digest it all! Not even sure how to explain it all to T!

Hunny, I like the idea of putting some stuff in big, thick, heavy safe with a combination lock and chains wrapped around it with more locks and dropping it the ocean to let it sink to the bottom! Some things I'm not ready to face.

Cris, please thank Krista. Little did visit with her bunny. She loves stuffies!! She loves dressing up her stuffies in clothes and was happy to see Bunny was wearing an article of clothing - a scarf, I think. She isn't talking to me, but I'm glad she visited with Bunny.

No, that's not good. That's fantastic!

Look, I read the whole post so I know that you cut after this but that isn't the point. While significant, that is an entirely different point. What is the point is that you wanted to cut and did not. Each time you don't cut when you want to is significant and each time you gain more strength to say no to cutting and more confidence that you CAN say no.

Too, you worked together. Okay, maybe the next day you weren't working together so well but it's like lifting weights or exercising. When you successfully lift more than you've ever lifted before - or run further or faster than you've ever run before, you're liable to be a little tired, worn out and not at your best the next day. It doesn't void the improvement or mean you're not getting stronger or faster or in this case, better able to work together. It means you're pooped.

Thank you, AKAngel. It was good to be reminded that I did do good this week - especially since I have my T appointment today.

When I didn't cut earlier this week, it was the first time I really thought I was going to, but didn't. And we did work together. And we're new at this even being more than one thing! And it was an exhausting and overwhelming experience!

I'm glad you reminded me too of all this because I promised Little I'd tell our T what an awesome job she did! I'd nearly forgotten what a big deal it really was - it's been such a long, stressful week since that accomplishment.

I'll try to hold on to these thoughts today...something a little positive. I'm not sleeping tonight and my appointment isn't till late in the afternoon. It's going to be another long, exhausting day.

I'll try to remember I did good...in spite of the set back. One step forward, two steps back. Okay, wait, maybe I'm just overly tired...but what's the point of that saying? If you truly take two steps back after each step forward...you're going backwards?! I just try to sit after each step forward...

I'm pretty sure it's two steps forward, one step back.

I'm flying out the door but I need to say this before I run...

I know this is a support site but I'm not very good at saying, 'Wow, way to go!' or other assorted 'supportive' comments unless I really mean them. I wasn't just trying to be supportive, I mean it - I think you all did fantastic and really should be proud. Special kudo's for the Brave One.

I know it's going to be a long day - hang in there.

LOL... I needed a bit of a giggle. Two steps forward, one step back. I didn't think it made sense the other way around.

Just know that we are here stting with you and understanding the things you say. we are now living in the woods because we got so over whelmed from all that was going on in our life. we hope that you can find a way to work out the pain without hurting the body more. Safe hugs to those that need it and safe thought to those that just need to know that they are not alone no more.

Have to get ready for T appointment. Wrote a list of hurting stuff. Little drew a scary monster picture. Will give to T in case we can't talk. Stomach hurts. Thank you for sitting here with us. We're scared.

i hope the appointment went ok. i can't imagine how hard that work is, but i am so proud of you for doing that work and hanging on through all the hurt.

my partner went through some difficult times, but eventually she and her others learned to work together pretty well. they are no longer fighting, and self injury isn't as big of an issue as it was before. i know that can be a very hard thing for any system to deal with, especially when different parts feel differently about what happened or should happen. but i believe in you. thank you for coming here and sharing with us. i hope you are doing alright.

(((Blue)))

How did you appointment with T go? If you can let us know how you are doing, that would be great. Krista wanted me to tell Little that Bunny is no longer wearing her scarf because it is too hot here in Colorado. She is wearing a pretty ribbon in her hair? ears? (I'm not really sure what to say there lol). Hope you are having a good day.

Cris

michelle421, Thank you for your encouragement. As I'm learning to accept and understand DID, I'm finding it a bit overwhelming taking my different parts' feelings about SI into consideration and realizing the effects it has on each. I'm glad things are going better for your partner. She's lucky to have you, and you her

Cris, lol... that made me smile. Little understands perfectly! She had to take one of her bears out of its jogging outfit because apparently it was too hot. Now the bear is wearing a little summer dress.

My appointment was difficult and I slept for a few hours when I got home. I did tell my T about my SI. I guess I can't really talk too much more about it. Kinda hurts a lot. Sad.

No hurting myself today. I think I'll be able to not do that for a while. A little worried about potential infection from one batch of injuries...will need to watch.

Last week was really stressful. Those stressors are all still in my life and in full swing, but I'm going to try to step back a little bit from them - for the next few days anyway. Try to get some kind of perspective.

I'm not usually one to give myself much slack, but even I can see I really need to baby myself some this week. My mind needs a break from hurting and being scared and confused! Just a little breather. Just for a little while.

Thank you everyone for your kindness.

I came in to see how your appointment went. I'm sorry that this has been such a tough week but I'm glad to see that you are giving yourself a breather. You deserve it. Thanks for coming back and filling us in.

Can't sleep, but exhausted. I have a doctor appointment today - just an annual check-in with my regular doc so he feels okay about refilling my meds. Still, I don't wanna go.

Family member is getting an MRI tomorrow morning - her brain isn't working well. She was diagnosed with cirrhosis a few months ago. I'm growing weary. Sad the way things are turning out.

I wish we could go back. I'll be 35 this month. I wish we could go back and do it all over again. Maybe we'd get more things right...less wrong. I wish I could've done better. I wish I could've done more, sooner. If only. If only I'd been what you were hoping for...what you wanted. I wish you could've been what I needed. I wish we could've been the family we thought we were. We were so close. So close we nearly touched the reality of it, but it slipped away. Gone forever. Stepping closer and closer to the realization...no happy ending. I'm sorry I only added to the misery. I wish we could go back.

(((Beyond_blue)))
We may not be able to change the past but each day that we wake up we are able to make a different choice. Just know that all are here and we have been there to more then we would like to admite to. so please come here and write what is going on. Pc world gave us hope when we were down and out from the reality of our life. we be send safe hugs to those that need it and safe thought to those that just need to know that they are not alone no more!

I'm sleepy.

I had a tough time at my regular medical doctor's office today. The reason I was there was just to get the doctor to give me refills for my meds. I didn't want to be there. When I arrived, I was asked to fill out forms...basically updating my record. Only, nothing has changed. So I was annoyed and barely filled anything out. The office staff got annoyed (and rightly so...they didn't understand what the big deal was). It really shouldn't have been a big deal.

I suppose just because it was unexpected. I've been going there for more than a decade...nothing's changed with me. I think it partly hurt because I was asked about my medical history. Requiring me to check the box for mental issues under medical history, when so much of that is in my chart including info about being committed, seemed mean.

Then I felt badly about being slightly disruptive and a little rude to the staff...she was just trying to do her job. It wasn't a psychiatric facility, just a regular doctor office, she's not used to dealing with crazy-ish people. I felt stupid for making the fuss...it wasn't a huge fuss, but fuss enough. I felt stupid for getting upset over it. I wanted to cry and apologize for being so stupid.

On the up side, they got me in and out rather quickly...

I did get very special exciting news that a family member is pregnant (but it's a secret...so nobody tell no one...

No more doctor visits this week. No more nothing. Just staying home and hiding.