[kerria]

Hi Everyone,

Almost every night we can't sleep- so troubled- it never feels or appears that anything gets any better. It's still so hard in therapy. i still can't work- a part does but it's like going into a black hole and we don't remember what happens there mostly at all. It's difficult to get treatment for chronic severe pain- my pain dr is going tomstart 'weaning me off meds and i'm in so much pain i can't sleep already.
There's no friends IRL - we're all so separate. Parts have 'friends but we're becoming so dissocative that we're not functioning in anything at all. i think the work part was able to manage to work just seveeeen hours last week. We're not going anywhere in therapy- anywhere that's helpful it seeme. a new part came out last week but we were and are still so upset by the history of this part- all the memories keep comingbthe f.bkssssssss are so difficult to handle. There never was a time when there was si much isolation.

H threatens to divorce me. That's almost the last sstraw. Being married since a teenager i have no idea what life is like without my H and how to ever manage.

We've been waiting since 2000 - the fall semester, for disability status- we have it but don't have the help. So we struggle. trying to work with the lost time lack of support and the pain- physical pain and pain of the triggering events- who can contain this stuff when it's who we are now- now something to be able to ignore or throw away and not have to deal with again.

Too much trouble, too little support and too little hope.
Not enough inside or outside support to journal. Therapy in itself is hard enough. Can i even go one more time ? calling T afterwards from the parkinglot- how can i live with this alter/ everything is so changed inside.

i still have no idea who 'i ' am.
i'm sorry - i want to me a mom that is a place of rest for her kids. they must hate it so much that mom acts younger than their age and we can't get back there when we need to.

i wish that there was a way to make them understand-
it's not because we don't want to be their mommy. My kids, each beautiful one is the best that has ever happened to me. The only right reason for my continuing at all.

i'm so afraid. communication is still so hard, therapy is so hard i can't get there.
If h divorces i don't know how to manage- just the threat is too hard to hear. we can only remember when we're too tired to be upset anymore.

the lives are all crumbling. The pieces don't fit. i need someone to say 'you will be ok.' and the lives to become livable. i need to see who the parts are and recognize them as me.

We're so separate. It's an emergency and T and no one else is helping enough to make a difference.
even at church there's not a way to make my life work.

It's impossible . We're so sad to not put it together to find a solution. we'll hold teddy .

i tried so hard to get better for so long.
It's impossible.
kerria

(((((((((Kerria)))))))))

I feel lost for words - I really don't know what to say to make you feel better. I guess all I can do is let you know that I am thinking about you and that I care and that, even though you don't believe at the moment that things will get better, I do believe things will improve for you.

Caroline

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((kerria)))))))))))))))

sometimes we have to take it one second of one minute of one hour of one day at a time. it can be that hard sometimes.

i hope the few seconds that it takes to read this that you might be feeling a respite.

be safe,

kd

[misty]

((((((((((((((((kierra))))))))))))))))))))) You will be ok!!!!!
Just doesn't seem like it right now.
Hang in there!
skylarks

[dottie]

Hi. Do you go to a PAIN MANAGEMENT Doctor? I think it stinks that your Dr. is weaning you off of your pain meds. If you are in chronic pain...there are other considerations ...other ways than taking you off of your pain meds.

I suffer from Chronic pain due to Fibromyalgia and severe Arthritis. My Doctor put me on Methadone 6 years ago. It works and is inexpensive. I also take Ultram, Flexerill..and xanax-PRN

In my opinion...you should not have to suffer such physical pain on top of everything else you are fighting.

Please PM me anytime. I will respond pretty quickly as I practically live on this forum. It has helped me greatly. Mostly..reminding me that I am not alone..with the pain, despair..etc...etc Take good care!

~Dottie

[kimmydawn]

dottie brought up another good issue...the pain. in fact, that's probably why you're so highly dissociative...everyone running around trying to deal with pain.

can your family dr send you to a pain management specialist for meds only? that's what happened here. of course, the dr wanted to do this and that procedure (very risky as close to the brain and eyes). also, the dr wanted to put me on strong meds, etc. i declined and take a mild narcotic. i have for years with never increasing doses, etc. i'm blessed that it still works for me after years. however, it does.

once you've built a trusting relationship with a good pain management dr., they will do whatever they can to help your pain.

i hope that is resolved soon as i think it's why dissociation is so high. i know when i was dealing with daily pain, i lost more time than i had.

be safe. talk to your family dr about a good pain management specialist. if your dr won't listen, see another, but somehow try to get that referral.

kd

[__zh]

kerria,

one thing we've wondered about your plight is whether or not you have the ability to print out your posts from your near year here and posts from any other boards you may use.

we ask because from reading your posts here and elsewhere we can create a "profile" of you and what you share online. we wonder if you're aware of what you share with the public and whether or not there is any inside continuity with what you've posted and what you "remember" posting.

it could be very helpful to gather your posts onto a disc or print them out if possible as you've gone into great detail about your therapist and difficulties with him over time, you've expressed much information about your chronic pain situation and doctors related to that, and the constant expression of how hard it is to live as you do.

we know your life isn't easy. we don't know what to suggest as from what you've written it appears you cannot switch from your T to anyone else and you've looked into that option many times with negative results.

you've mentioned inpatient stays that were less than helpful so the idea of going back in doesn't make much sense.

we dont know what much to offer other than the links and books that are specifically for those seeking different methods of internal communication. even with those tools it can be hard if there isn't enough support around to help one get through the material.

we have a special place in our heart for you kerria. we wish you all could have moments of peace instead of this terrifying confusion y'all are living in currently.

blessings to you sweetie.

[kerria]

hi kimmydawn (((((safe hugs))))

i've been going to a pain management dr for over a year- had medication the while time and dr pushed having procedures. i had one we backed out on because parts were afraid and one that worked for about two days and the pain came back and was just as bad- that was just three weeks ago.

Because i have a psych dx he's accusing that it's psych pain. It's not.
i can't go to work because i'm still trying to get pain under control. The meds he switched me to don't work as well. He want's to wean me off because this dr doesn't believe me. It's a terrible nightmare, i wish i could find a good dr. that would believe me. i had all the tests - i had all the surgery. Why won't they treat me medically?
there's no advocate for me.
As always, no one will stand with me and help.

Praying for help so i can keep my job and my life,
kerria

[kerria]

The difficulty in gettiong pain management happened when the dr learned that i have a dissociative disorder. Every DR that i go to thinks that i have body memories and won't treat me for my real and very physically painfully terrible pain.

It's a nightmare.

Everyone, my h is threatening to desert me in this. No one knows what to say. i need help - real help fast. Some dr has to believe me and help me or i can't live anymore.

Dottie- please pm the name of the dr. The difficulty of going to a new dr is that they won't believe me if i have DID.

i need emergency help.

It's so unfair for others to put me in this position . The drs can't prove that my pain isn't physical and needs to be treated. What my pain control dr is doing is wrong. i want to have a way to be treated by an honest dr like evryone else.
i'm so damned because of my disability- i wish i never went for help or ever found out i had DID. Therapy never helped at all and now i'm not believed about the chronic severe pain which is FAR MORE serious than DID.

tears,
kerria

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((kerria)))))))))

this is so hard, i'm sure. they can't find a basis for the physical pain? they've done their homework (i.e. MRI's, CT scans, etc.)? it's horrible. dr's treated me as some type of freak because they didn't know what was wrong with me for 16 yrs. most of them didn't even know the procedure when i told them of the surgeries i'd had. one even thought the cat scratch scar on my face was the surgery scar! it's awful to deal with dr's who don't believe because they don't understand!

i didn't give up and now my life runs so much better. keep trying. it will pay off! keep going to different dr's until you find one who cares enough to find the source of your pain. my family dr finally referred me to a pain management specialist who told me on the first visit what was wrong with me and that it was real! i cried and cried! i was believing the dr's that it was in my head. when i looked up my condition online, i found that i am blessed as others have a much more difficult time than i. it was so validating. i pray that for you too. keep trying!

it will happen. SOMEONE out there knows and won't get frustrated with you do to the fact that you don't respond instantaneously to their vague "catch all" treatments.

after that, things will flow much more smoothly i feel. of course, i'm basing that opinion on my own experience.

request another dr please.

be safe,

kd

[CedarS]

Kerria,

I so wish that you could find an inside helper, so everyone could eventually cooperate as much as possible.

Do you have a safety plan drawn up, a contract with anyone, to follow during rough times?

Do you need to get yourself admitted inpatient again for your own safety?

Can you think of anything you can use right now as a lifeline? Something already available to you, within your reach? Any distractions or comfort?

I feel for you, I know many of us here do care a lot for your safety and well being.

Sarah

[kerria]

Thank you, Sarah (((((safe hugs)))))

sometimes it feels like no one can understand what we're going through at all, i feel so isolated here. sometimes i'm sure that it makes me feel worse instead of better to post what i'm goig through here. i wonder if others ignore, or read and gasp, thankful that it isn't them. When i read it- i always am shocked and wish it wasn't my writing.

i'm very afraid. i never get used to having DID.

my T doesn't believe in 'contracts' for safety. He probably knows that i'm not capable of all my parts keeping them and it would mean we'd be without a T at all.

The place that treats DID- where my T works won't take me anymore. We had a horrific stay there . our parts switch according to the place we're in- work, home, outdoors. Inpatient stays - we become so much worse. T reminds me frequently that i can't go to his hospital. it makes me feel as if even he doesn't care about me. His hospital won't allow us to come anymore because of all the problems- i know that they made everything so impossible with the bad meds and the forced seclusion and medication. T didn't stand up for me.

i wonder what people think here- whether they would rather not read my posts - i feel left out of everything. i don't have any more opportunity anywhere. no one can help me- even the DID treatment inpatient units.

five years ago i was a 'normal' mom that had upsets every 10 years or so, my life was totally given to God'd wok for my life and i lived by every word passed down from the pulpit of the ministry i went to and had no problems because the thinking was derived from church. A problem happened at church and the disallusionment split us apart, the teacher in college noticed the DID and it was straight downhill from there.

Now i'm the worse case even the researchers ever saw. i'm not used to being all split up and it's so scary and unfamiliar and feels too bad to be true.

Especially the physical problems.i never knew there was severe chronic pain like this aside from terminal cancer.

i wonder what everyone really thinks about me- here and what my T thinks- i was doing so well before i found out i had DID and now pretty much untreatable.

To have the physical pain not treated adequately is nothing short of the worse horror i ever faced.

i never would have ever thought that this would happen to me. i'm totally dissasociated from this person that writes here that doesn't even have any family or friends.

It feels like everyone else is also- but maybe that's the way dissociation works.

i'm lost, in pain. without a dr to help me. Everything is impossibly shattered and i don't know if i can make it one more day- and it's felt like this for almost five years.

kerria
please- can somebody try to help me? please Try to Fix all the pain and dilemmas?

[CedarS]

I know you are feeling lost, not understood, isolated. You wonder whether posting here is safe for you, you wonder what we readers of these forums think. You are afraid and you are asking for help.

You have DID and you also deal with high levels of chronic pain.

You don't have good mental or physical health care. You haven't found support elsewhere that works.

Okay. I have some ideas I will share, the ideas won't fix everything. They are just ideas and sharing from someone who cares - me.

I'll imagine that I am going through an experience like your own.

When I find myself worried about what folks think about me online, I think over whether I maybe need a break from being online in forums. Am I feeling unsafe, am I sharing too much for me? Or do I need to remind myself that what folks think about me online ultimately does not matter? Sharing and friendship to a certain degree can be found, yes. But the nature of the Internet is such that many of us are ships passing in the night, I need to be careful to not pin my support hopes here only.

Besides, what counts is -my- worth. I am worthy, I have inner worth and beauty that is not dependent on what others perhaps think.

Also, most folks aren't spending time thinking badly of me, they are preoccupied with their own lives. Anyone thinking badly of me doesn't belong anyone near me. I do not rent room in my head to bullies.

When I find that I have a new diagnosis, a new experience, or that I'm not coping successfully with the cards I'm given, I get to the library. I also hit up amazon.com. I research research research and find amazingly good books of ideas, support, examples, encouragement, and inspiration.

I am assisted immensely by reading stories of what other people go through. This reminds me that I am not alone, that I am unique but I am part of the huge messy glorious human family, and that there is hope.

I work on remembering that I get to be human. I get to make mistakes. I get to live and thrive. What all I did in the past to survive is okay. And I am here now.

I seek out what helps me be happy. Even little slender threads of happiness in the day can be immensely helpful. Simple things, a good book, a good meal, the smile of a friendly cashier behind the counter.

I find what works and apply generously. If doctors are not helpful with my pain levels, I get what I can, then do what I can at home. Hot baths, stretching, gentle walks, distraction, ice, menthol rubs, anything that works is great.

Back to the library and book stores. I read through all sorts of self help manuals. I especially find good info on how to cope with anxiety and depression, trauma, destructive groups, bad relationships, parenting.......there is a gold mine of information out there. Some doesn't apply to me, some is silly, some is misguided, but lots and lots and lots is very helpful. Saved my life in fact.

Eventually I poke round more out in the world. May look like there isn't a decent therapist in sight, but I keep poking, reading, maybe a new one will move to town, maybe a new clinic will open, maybe I can go to the next town over. Maybe an acquaintance will have coffee with me. Maybe I smile at someone at a store and they smile back.

I insist on surviving and living. I refuse to give up. I learn new habits, I learn how to control destructive urges, I learn how to claim my entire life and craft it the best I can.

Kerria, I cannot reach in and change your life, none of us can, you know this. What we can do is provide sign-posts, we can tell you about the journeys we've been on and are on. We can tell you of some of the possible traps and of the joys. We can understand, we can empathize. We can encourage you to work on your own map of discovery.

There are excellent ideas and much support in this thread already. I like zh's suggestion also for you to print out past posts and look them all over.

I have an inner helper that kept me alive through all sorts of trauma. This helper comes from inside me, and I now cultivate the image I have of this helper, I develop it. No one gave it to me. I have to purposefully claim my own center, my helper, my life.

So, I wish all things good for you. I hope you claim your inner helper.

I hope if necessary you stomp your foot and insist that you get good enough mental and physical health care. The health care folks might not be able to completely erase the pain you experience, but they do need to help you take the edge off.

I hope you find moments of grace. Moments when you can relax, even smile and enjoy. I wish you continued strength on your challenging journey.

Sarah

Caroline

[kerria]

Thanks so much, SarahL, for caring and posting.

Today i have therapy and the painis bad as it ususally is and i'm trying unsucessfully sso far, to manage my pain by taking extra medicine so that i'll be able to walk to the bus to go to therapy.
i used to hike and backpack just last year. i'm unable to control my pain now- if i take enough to get out of terrible pain i won't be able to go anywyas. i keep dosing off sitting up.

HELP . SOMEONE has to help me.

The pain dr said he wants to cut down my pain meds- i need pain management help that works better to manage my pain. NOT less.

i've had to give up everything hiking, sitting, - it hurts too much- i have to kneel- now i have to give up working and therapy?

i NEED to see my T . we're doing so badly but i HURT SO MUCH.

It hurts too much to go to the store or have coffee with someone. I'm in WAY too much pain to do those things.

tears,
kerria

[wanttoheal]

Kerria, I am sorry you are in so much pain. Have you considered going to an herbalist to find out what is going on with your body? Also accupuncture is often successful in relieving/managing pain. I wish you the best.

Kerria,

Maybe this will be helpful?

Even if you can only use a tiny bit of the info, it might be worth some consideration?

http://www.angelworld.org/contract.html

Thinking of you,

Petunia

Kerria,

I wanted to add, I'm not implying that you follow this person's written contract, but perhaps you could make one of your own that would help start to settle things down for you and yours.

Just a thought...

Petunia

[kerria]

i missed seeing T yesterday because i couldn't get the pain under control in time . i took busses and struggled to make it as soon as i could but busses were late for the connecting bus and i missed my appt with T.

i really need to see t
everything is so difficult. Today i have to see the pain management dr and H. won't go with me, - there's always some way he turns it against me. This time "I didn't let him know in time."

It's so hard to see this dr alone because he believes the worst lies about me and is so abusive. He would never talk to me like that if a family member or friend was with me.

i'm ALWAYS there for anyone in my family when it comes to drs appts - why is there never anyone for me?
i will have to listen to tha DRs abuse of me. It's so unfair that i have to cry and beg this dr just not to be in terrible pain.

Everyone in the office is negative and unsupportive. Everyone - all the other patients have a family member with them - i'm the only one that goes there alone.

The dr probably figures if i can't have anyone in my family believe me and come with me- why should he- when there isn't obvious reason for my terrible constant pain.

It's so hard to endure this. Pain is so terrible. This all is so triggering for me. It's horrible to make someone live in pain.

Thank you wanttoheal- yes- i tried herbals- my H is into that and sells it also. i even went to Holland to see someone there that was supposed to be very good.

Thank you Petunia, Caroline and Sarah. This is a very hard situation to stay in - thanks for being there.

love,
kerria

[kerria]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone.
It's ok- it's hard to identify with someone who doesn't even want to identify with herself.

Nobody knows like i do how hard it is to identify with constant terrible pain that's untreated because i don't have a dx - a physical one to explain the pain- only a psych dx to explain the psych pain.
We have the rest of our lives to live in torture of physical pain- until some dr will believe me and treat me. Do you think that i'll be able to go through that? Put my self and my parts through the torture of being in constant pain? How long can i do that. ?

Until tomorrow?
until next week?
Next month?

That's a long time to live in agony.

Trying to cope with the impossible. i'm still trying to cope. my mind is getting so messed up about it- whether it's a good thing to cope or a bad thing.

take care,
kerria

((((( Kerria )))))

Did you see the Dr. today?

Did he change meds for you?

Let us know,

Petunia

[kerria]

Thanks, Petunia, for asking.
No he didn't change it.
i went through the usual terrible time there at that office, crying openly in front of everyone and the dr almost yelling at me- "You don't have a diagnosis."

We cried, by the time i get a dx i'll lose everything that means anything to me. Being in constant pain has made me a monster- it took over my whole life. It hurts so much that all i can think about is how much it hurts,

tears,
kerria

it's so humiliating.

The morphine only takes a little pain away and leaves me with this terrible intense burning. It also keeps me awake at night. During the day i keep falling asleep and having daydreams- between that and the sx of DID, we're a terrible mess.

i was so deperate that i called T after i saw the pain management dr. T didn't even call back.

why is everything so difficult?

[Fuzzybear]

I am so sorry for your pain and struggles
(((((((((((((((kerria))))))))))))))))

GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR at that ""doctor""

[allthegirls6]

(((((((((((((((((((((kerria)))))))))))))))))))))) I dont know what to say. Things are very hard for you and Im sending you lots of good wishes

All the girls

[kerria]

(((((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))) thank you so much for being there.

((((((((((((all the girls))))))))))))) thank you so much, too , for being there.

love,
kerria