Its Been A Long Time

So I hadn't posted here in ages.. . . months. . .probably even a year. ..

I'm posting right now though. . .because I want to know something. Am I the only one with a clinician who is going to help them integrate? I ask this because I started last week to blog online. I blogged with excitement over the prospect. It was received though with a lot of anger from other DID people and their systems. They through out a lot of accusations against me which were pure assumptions with no founding. It really upset my system. I talked to my psychologist about it. I had mentioned before that other people with my illness who aren't trying to get better - whether it's integration or finding a way to work with their personal system so as to function successfully out there in the world to reach their own personal potentials - really upsets me and quite a few inside. It upsets us because we compare some of that thinking to someone trying to get in shape but then someone who struggles with their health themselves insists they stop exercising and join them on the couch with a box of donuts. It doesn't help anyone and that person who reached out for support got the exact opposite.

So. . . anyone else trying to combat dissociation and stay present in their day so long as they're staying safe? My goal is to eliminate dissociating completely someday - that's my ultimate long term goal and won't be happening till I establish a strong foundation. I also wouldn't be going for this goal if I didn't change my circumstances. A few years ago it wasn't safe for me so I had to be protected by my alters. Now though I'm not faced with dangers in daily life. So switching has just become a habit that I need to break. For me personally it makes it hard to function as it interferes with my daily needs. I don't have co-consciousness except a few limited times in my past. . .so yeah I think even if I can establish co-consciousness it'll be a huge success.

It's okay if you're wanting to continue being DID and if that works for you. . .but for me. . .I can't live like this.

Thanks for your post fox. I am currently uncertain where I stand in the did/dd spectrum of things, but I definitely dissociate. ...and I would definitely love not to! for me, I don't imagine this necessitates the elimination of all voices, little's, or alters. But it does mean being one me all the time. If your interpretation of integration is similar - and I do think its open to some interpretation then yes, my goal is similar to yours.
I'm really sorry you were met with such opposition. I think that was very disrespectful of people. It sounds like at least some of them may have been purely ignorant of what you're going through. Others, while they have the right to disagree shouldn't have tried to force their own values about did on you as the only ones that are correct.
I hope you can look forward to finding some other people who are more open and/or like minded to you.

I always new there were us I just never new that other people didn't function this way and I didn't know there was a name for it. I have spent decades functioning in the world, holding down jobs, buying homes and raising my son. But when I got into my forties I started to spill out at work, driving, being with friends. It became where I was exhausted having to be a particular way when the others wanted to be present. I started to withdraw from friends and family. I sometimes had to call in sick to work because the work person wasn't around. I have also come to realize that there are some of us who hold all the pain and sadness and some that hold the happiness and feeling of safety. I don't want anyone to be in pain or fear for ever. I want all of us to be able to feel the feeling of happy and safe. Even if that means that we will all feel the fear and sadness. Just like people who don't have DID. I know in order for this to happen we will integrate. Most everyone of us seems to understand that it isn't fair that a few suffer with painful memories while others live in comfort. I want to feel my whole life as one person. So I understand why you want to integrate. I also understand that it is a personal decision and there is not a right or wrong as long as people can live safely. So no one should be made to feel bad because they choose to integrate or not so I am sorry to hear you had that experience. I wish you well in your journey.

I'm really glad there's at least a few that are understanding me. You don't have to be in my shoes to get it really.

I used to be really active here on PC and been kinda off and on since my first friend here passed away. It's hard to get over that sadness since it affects all inside since he helped all of us. Now though I'm thinking the happier times are being remembered and being here doesn't hurt as it did before.

For me sometimes it's hard to be with others who are struggling because of my personality. I'm a fix-it person. If I see something wrong I want it fixed. I tend to take on others emotions. I think this empathy I have is also a curse since then when I'm told I'm wrong for feeling a certain way I take it very personally then start to second guess myself.

I have a great psychologist who totally helps me get back over to reasonable mind where I function the best. We need to be able to feel again but it's hard to feel without feeling to the nth degree extreme emotions. So right now logic is our safety.

My main alter is my greatest support and has been the one saying for many years that we're not doing well on our own and something needs to give. I've heard the analogy used with different hats for different places. For me we kept putting on the wrong hat for the wrong place. It got worse and worse and now I'm disabled unable to maintain at work. For me to return to working again and support myself, I need to be in my day every day. Other people with DID can and have functioned but I don't know how fair it is if they're raising a family since they can't be present with the kids always. If anyone's raising a family and all over the place like I tend to do, I'd like to know how they do it. Just thinking about that challenge overwhelms me! I had my mother and nieces for four days and I wasn't there but maybe ten hours total? I didn't have a safe place to hide so had to go inside when the stimulation got to be too much. I need to have time to be completely alone and without any stimulation at all every day to be okay with it the rest of the day when I am dealing with other people. But that's just me. I have sensory issues so that's one of my many triggers. The constant noise of the girls really got to me. The repetition of questions got to me. I told the girls several times that I needed my break so I didn't break them. They don't understand of course since they only see me once a year. I snapped quite a bit at them and that's something I was so hoping not to do. I thought they'd understand reason. Reasoning works with the 9 year old. But the 8 year old. . .not so much. Even my own system kept sending out different individuals according to my main and each of them got overwhelmed as well. I have one that is the care taker of the inside children. .. I don't know if she came out or not. I would think she could handle the girls but maybe she can't leave the inside children for long or something? I'm not sure and try not to give my internal world too much thought since the more I think about it the worse I dissociate and the "louder" it gets. It's hard to explain what I perceive as hearing. It's not actual sound it's more like a perception of sound without actually hearing it. . .kinda like when you hear music in your head when a song is stuck in your mind. You're not actually "hearing" but it's definitely there playing over and over again. If I focus on my inside world I space out and am preoccupied with that instead. It's not the dissociation of DID but more the normal dissociation of daydreaming.

Gr3tta my idea of integration is very much like that. I read my main alter's blog and he said that parts have already integrated over the years and it's not that massive horrible thing I thought it would be. I talked to my psychologist about that yesterday. She said we're not doing the serious trauma work yet, we're doing some trauma work but it's the foundation and not the actual building project. Gotta learn healthy coping skills first or trauma work will only re-traumatize and cause new trauma to me and my system. So I guess the PTSD stuff may get worse when we get there but by then I'll be strong enough that it won't affect me in that horrible way I thought. Integration cannot be forced. The others can be silenced but that doesn't mean they're not there. Integration for me is a blending of personality so they become a part of my consciousness and not a part that is there but separate from my consciousness. So far I'm finding that everything I've expected, has not come in that way. So I'm not going to make anymore assumptions. I'm going to let everything be what it is and happen as it comes. This is quite the adventure I do say lol.

Claritytoo - hmm I didn't even make it into my thirties yet and I've fallen really hard. I too have always known that I had . . .well I didn't know they were alternate personalities. . . just I shared my brain space with other people. I thought they were normal. I thought everyone had them. About four years ago??? I asked my mom one day in the car "so what do your voices tell you?". I was just trying to make conversation. She turned and looked at me "what are you talking about?". I was already being somewhat treated for depression by that point. I was struggling so much at work and kept getting reported for stuff I *knew* I didn't do. Since that time I pretty much lived in the psych hospital trying to find out what's wrong. I knew what wasn't wrong but didn't know what could've possibly been going on. I had already been here on PC just cause it was helping me with my personal search. I didn't really fit anywhere. DID kinda fit but I could always reason my way out of it. I have a troubled childhood but nothing comparable to the stories others had. So it couldn't possibly be DID. I've been through soooo many dx's that were constantly changed. Been on anti-psychotics which of course do diddly squat. Over and over again it had been suggested that I should ask about DID by other members here. Including someone that used to be an admin who had to deal with me being triggered. Finally in August was my last psychiatric visit to the hospital and it was in writing very clearly Dissociative Identity Disorder - based on history. I don't understand why though, that I can't go through life like this as long as everyone else I've read about. Most everyone I know here on PC did just fine until middle age hit. . . and here I'm in in my 20s. What's wrong with me and my system? Why is everything so disorderly inside? It's the chaos and disorder within that has me going "okay enough is enough. Something has to give."

Fox- maybe it doesn't need to be about "why couldn't I get through life with it as long as everybody else" (paraphrase) but instead it could be about how you are ahead of the curve, starting your healing process sooner and earlier in life?
Thanks for sharing how you mentioned your voices casually while younger. When I was a child, I thought what I experienced was what other children meant by having imaginary friends. Then it somehow became unacceptable to have them any more. Which was very confusing.

Yeah imaginary friends! The first counselor I talked to as an adult I used the term "imaginary friends" and she just took it as that and not as anything more though I still had them. I couldn't articulate very effectively my meaning and didn't trust her anyways. As a kid I had an imaginary friend that was just that. His name was Rocky. I had him till I was 19 actually. I gave him up when I moved because I wanted him to stay and protect the place I was at for all my teen years. Of course he's just imaginary so that place went to pot when we moved still. But I feel like he's guarding my happy memories. I knew Rocky was imaginary but the ones inside was different because I couldn't play with them. They were there but I couldn't share my experiences with them like I did Rocky. He was invisible and had all the super powers I ever wanted. He was also a ninja lol. So I knew my "voices" weren't like that. Which is why I had asked my mom what her voices told her.

Most days the voices aren't communicating with me directly. I can "hear" them but don't always understand what they're saying. Can that be partly co-consciousness? I'm still confused on what it means to be co-conscious. For me I know it can be when I'm inside sometimes there's a window with bars that I can see out of. But can't do anything for my body. . .hard to explain sorry. . .but is that really co-consciousness? Could use a bit of clarification on that if anyone has answers for me.

Hi Fox, Gr33ta & Clartyitoo,
Its been a long time posting for me too. Fox, there is so many things that i want to write to you. Firstly, we have a family, we have three young children, 7, 5 & 3yo. We have good days and bad days. That is, we as in my system, as well as we as a family unit. I pray that our difficult days aren't that much different from families that don't have a mum with a difference - that don't have a mum with a mental health issue. I can't begin to explain how our system works with the kids - I'm not very 'clear' today, but I'm sure we've put in an old previous post. Basically, I take care of the children 'most' of the time. Secondly, our co-consciousness consists of looking through our eyes but not having control over the body. Thats as articulate as I can be. I can see out, hear sometimes, but information is limited, and not for all 'energies' which is how we refer to each other. Thirdly, we fell apart in our 20's but we didn't have anyone around brave enough to be there for us so we struggled through life with copious amounts of recreational drugs and alcohol. Yes, we were finally dx'ed in our mid 30's, but I'm sure that would have been earlier. Fourth, we want full co-consciousness as our goal, not necessarily integration. Full disclosure of information regardless of who is 'out front'. to us integration means a loss of our energies, and we don't necessarily want to loose 'us'. Its a work in progress for us.
Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling. I just wanted to reach out and hope you don't feel alone. I remember you.
Take care of all of you Fox. Good luck for your journey. AmandaLouise would also be a good one to ask about integration as she is now integrated.
Best wishes,
kp

Hai KP! Long time no see <3

See, myself and I do believe the others inside had that thought too about integration, that it would mean for a loss. Recently though I've found out some parts have already blended in with me (I prefer that term over integration personally as it's more descriptive without the negative connotation I associated with integration). It's something that happens naturally and cannot be forced from how my psychologist explains it. I want it to happen but I'll settle for co-consciousness in the way you're putting it. To not have to have my day told to me and it be so foreign like that, well it would be a step forward. My psychologist's goal for me is integration or blending as how I like to think of it as. I agree because even if I don't integrate her techniques in helping me heal are what's going to get me through life as an independent individual(s).

I'm sorry you didn't get the help and support you needed sooner. I had seen what drugs and alcohol does to people. I also was not afraid of reaching out for psychiatric care because I have a brother who is schizophrenic and bipolar. I've been through it all with him and knew what to expect. Was still very much nervous the first few times seeking help since my family kept insisting I was fine. Now I'm so happy that I got help before I completely lost myself.

I hope you're getting help with achieving your goal of co-consciousness. In all my short few years of searching for help with this it wasn't till this past winter that I finally found someone with many years of experience and success stories working with trauma and DID. She uses DBT because she's seen it works and for her is the best tool in her arsenal. For me it's helping too. Right now we're working on being "one-minded mindful" just means doing one thing at a time remaining completely focused on the one task. Super hard for me. I'm easily distracted and there's just so much going on all around me inside and out. I want to do it but wow what a challenge! This is the first homework task that she's given me that I couldn't just do with ease. If I can stay focused though it could help me stay out more in my day and be stronger so I'm not being dragged back inside without knowing what triggered me. At least that's what I'm thinking will be the outcome. Guess we'll see. . . if I can do this successfully >< lol.

I'm newly diagnosed ddnos (dissociative disorder not otherwise specified) and I have borderline personality disorder. I'm just having a sort of waking up to all this and am completely overwhelmed. I just started the integration process myself using the dissociative table technique. I feel like I'm floundering through everything and it feels awkward and surreal right now. I know though that in time, I will get to know my system better and how to communicate with it etc, but for now, I'm at a complete loss for words etc.

welcome back fox x

i don't have others inside, but do get your wanting to function successfully in the outside world to reach your potential.

i have dissociative motor disorder (CD) and i function mentally well in the outside world even if my body doesn't co-operate physically. I am successfully holding down being a director for a company and a trustee for a charity as well as assisting the local council and a well known national charity with things.

if you want to integrate then go for it and ignore any who say different after all what is right for one may not be the choice for another.

your post says it upsets you when you encounter people who say they do not want to heal do not want to integrate....

let me ask you a question....

think about someone special in your life...do they like the same things you do, do they do the same things you do, do they wear exactly the same clothes you do?

my point is everyone is different...even our best friend, acquaintances and strangers...every human being has something that is different. human beings dont even share the same set of finger prints...because human beings are so different its normal for people to have their own thoughts, likes, dislikes...even when it comes to their own health issues and whether they want to get better or not, integrate or not, take medicine or not, whether or not they want to follow this treatment plan, that treatment plan or no treatment plan...

every human being has their own way of understanding their dissociative disorder and what paths they follow...

for me integration automatically happened as I worked out my problems.. the big bang you are integrated with the help of a therapist wasnt something my treatment providers and I worked to do. I have been in therapy on and off pretty much my whole life. the result was I met many treatment providers who had me on many different treatment paths, most of those treatment paths was working on my problem areas not on my dissociative issues like integrating my alters. Frankly you would have hated the treatment paths that some of my treatment providers took with me simply because my cultural background doesnt focus on things like diagnosis, treating the disorder, integration.. it focuses instead on treating problem areas/issues. focuses on the host not the alters....solve the problem and every thing else will fall into place...

my culture believes integration is the literal definition of the word ...taking in, processing, intermingling of people, places and things....

example...

sitting out in the woods, watching nature, letting your brain learn about nature, interacting with nature...

another example ....

a party..has many people of many different races, way of thinking, way of mingling and having conversations..

another example

having a nightmare...letting yourself think about that nightmare, trying to learn more about that nightmare, sitting with the feelings that the nightmare brings you to feel instead of pushing those feelings away...

another example

talking with a therapist about a problem any problem, working out that problem by letting yourself feel and learn about that problem, trying solutions to that problem until the problem is solved.

how do all these translate / are relevant to DID....

in my culture integration isnt totally about alters and host becoming one. its about learning you have a dissociation problem, learning what that dissociation problem is, letting yourself feel when you are dissociating, connecting to people places and things around you to help you become more grounded, acknowledging you feel numb, and other dissociative problems. knowing the alters are there and accepting they have their own jobs, purposes, reasons for being just like the host has their own way of being so does the alters., working on your problems whether they are related to having DID or work or what ever else there is...

in short my culture believes everything is connected and integration is the how therapeutic process/thin king process about everything whether its nature, depression, bipolar,dissociative...

we also have the belief that everyone chooses their own paths, some can choose the path of the good son (positive paths in their life) or they can choose the path of the bad son (the path that causes negativity in their life and the life of others.) Nature (including human beings) are full of positive and negative paths and they must choose for their self which path they want to follow or not follow either path, until they are ready to choose the path.

you cant control others and other peoples healing paths. all you can do is control where your own healing path takes you. Have trust that others are doing what they feel is best for them at this moment and do whats best for you.

Hey! It is so nice to hear from krazy_phoenix! And yellowted I don't know you well but have often enjoyed your posts.
Fox- ( and others) I have kind of paired off "outside voices" and "inside voices" and outside voices are definitely more like other people. While inside voices, some of them, seem to be associated with lost time, conflicting memories, body memories, and other confusing states of being. I definitely feel like there are parts inside me that are kids. I was triggered in a way that brought out an inner kid to the surface very recently. Also, I know that sometimes I dissociate and its like being in the corner or on the ceiling and the body is like some separate entity entirely. I dunno what that means in terms of where I am at with ideas like did/co-consciousness/integration.
Its very confusing sometimes. I know though that I really really don't like it when I know I've been "gone" and I didn't make any sort of conscious choice to be. I'm not sure how to be better. I am really happy you are excited about working towards a goal of remaining present. That's really brave of you I think.

I didn't mean for it to sound that integration is the only way. I mean that it upsets me that they aren't on my path and they're saying I'm wrong. I feel judged by them. It also upsets me when I see people glorifying DID like it's some wonderful thing to have and it makes them more special than anyone else because they're unique. I read their blogs and comments as that as they publicize their alters and make drawings of their inside world. . . it just for me it violates that privacy and secrecy of that inner world.

Also I want to share that we (my psychologist and I) are approaching the dissociative symptom in a similar way. Right now for me that's the biggest issue in my life. PTSD is too but I can't handle that work and so we're working on building on skills that can help me remain present. What you describe sounds like being mindful. There's six things that we're learning to do to be more mindful and take in our surroundings and what's happening without judgement. Being mindful is the opposite of dissociating so that's where it helps. Right now I'm still struggling with staying in my day and if I'm triggered I'm gone for days on end. I'm not really dealing with big issues in my life since I left my parents' dictatorship. Life is actually really good for me right now. If I have something come up that needs to be addressed we deal with that but ultimately we're working on learning the skills found through DBT so we can stay balanced in our perception of the world around us.

Im sorry you are feeling judged by those who are not on the same healing path you are, it is not you that is wrong. keep doing what you need to for whats right for you.

yes it is like what you call being mindful.

Are you having success with mindfullness fox? I hope so.
Are you still continuing your blog? Even though you got some ignorant responses? I hope so. :-)

I still have my blog and I update it whenever I have a new discovery for my road of healing. I haven't been "attacked" since that first blog. I had also made a follow up to that post stating that this blog is not intended for people who are close minded and take my chosen path as a personal attack on them. If they don't like it they don't need to read it cause all it'll do is upset their system and that's not good for them.

But I want to encourage others that are trying to no longer dissociate or at least be able to cope with every day life so they don't have that need. It'll probably still happen since it's been so automatic but hopefully at least for me not so frequently and without warning. If I can help one person with my experiences, then that would make it all worth the effort of putting it out there. I know I wish I could speak to others that are traversing this road, such as Amanda who is working through issues which in turn has a domino affect with the issues that come with dissociative disorders.

I know there's others that are trying to overcome that rock bottom crash and not make the bottom look like that's a great place to be to the rest of the world. One more voice out there saying "yes, I dissociate. Yes, it does affect my life in ways I don't want it to. And yes, I'm doing something about it" can lead to others of any mental illness classification to know there's always a choice.

You can either keep going on this path or you can slow for the turn off to a new path. If it doesn't get you where you want there's always other paths. You have to do a lot of hard work and finding the path you want to be on in the first place is half the work right there. Everyone has a choice. A lot of things have happened that took my rights and I had no power and no choice. That doesn't mean I don't have the power or the choice or the rights now. Now is my time to heal and the government even recognizes that until I get to a better place I can't function well out of my comfort zone(s). So I get disability to support me until I can get on my feet and not live off of the hard earned income of others; when I have that option placed in front of me by finally a psychologist with many many many years of helping others with DID overcome their problems as a whole and be self-efficient again.

It's not easy by any means but I trust her and she has confidence that I can and will reach my potentials if I do the work. If I never was found by her student, I wouldn't have any of these tools. I'm so thankful to her. I know how hard it is to find a good psychologist.

So my message on my blog basically is: "don't give up. There's a lot of well meaning mental health people out there who can really do a lot more damage if they don't know what works with us. So if you're feeling worse and finding yourself in a bigger internal mess after seeing your clinician. . .reevaluate things. Yes there's ups and downs with any type of therapy, but if you're getting worse and worse and not better. . .please find someone that has success stories a plenty with working with trauma and dissociation". Of course not everyone likes that message that's okay though they need to take care of themselves in the best way they know.