[__zh]

song--Positive Bleeding by Urge Overkill

Hey! Look around today.
Everything don't need to be the same.
Feel. Feelin' lonely people.
People just like me who go it alone.
Cause baby I'm a rolling stone.
I live my life with no control in my destiny.
Yeah yeah. Yeah yeah.
I can bleed when I want to bleed.
So come on. Come on.
You can bleed when you want to bleed.
Yeah yeah, come on
everybody bleed when they want to bleed.
Come on and bleed....

listening to music on iTunes party shuffle and next...not making this up......Johnny Cash's version of NIN Hurt.


song--Hurt as sung by Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything....

[nothemama8]

zh, ((((( hugs ))))) if you want them
we are here for you and feel what you do
Angie

[__zh]

thx Angie. it often feels lonely when certain symptoms flare up and the mind sinks down w/o the control or ability to stop it.

it isn't easy going for over one month w/o tx. didn't even make it to the second pdoc appt. due to inability to safely operate a vehicle that day.

we live too far from these things now so when we're not feeling well it is darn near impossible to get off the property and driving the hour plus to our appts and such. even with the dog helping us keep focus sometimes we're beyond her assistance in grounding. driving cannot happen when we're that spaced out. no bus service to boondocks either. cab? hahhhahahah we can barely afford gas.

sometimes the ship takes on water and lowers in the water before we return to the helm. let's hope this is merely a slow leak and not an accidental crashing on the reef w/ water pouring in and lifeforce gushing out. <<--not a suicidal statement at all.....bad analogy or metaphore...can't even remember which! darn useless brain.

thanks for choosing to respond. both your kindness and thoughfulness are appreciated.

[Evangelista]

_zh...

Very powerful lyrics..I tried to post earlier by my server went catupulting into the digital abyss, and it did not take...but I am sorry your are feeling so alone, music is so powerful and these lyrics speak volumes..and having to endure alone without your pdoc makes it especially hard..please take care..

(((((((((((zh))))))))))))))

my heart goes out to you. I hope you have some time to comfort yourself. You are such a sweet kind person who deserves to be nurtured.

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Very powerful lyrics..I tried to post earlier by my server went catupulting into the digital abyss, and it did not take...but I am sorry your are feeling so alone, music is so powerful and these lyrics speak volumes..and having to endure alone without your pdoc makes it especially hard..please take care..

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> it can be a surprise to us to find certain music or lyrics in journals or printed out or even new to playlists on the computer........often not of *our* tastes (that's __zh the adult speaking) but we've been learning to accept more of what seems bizarre instead of struggling so hard to deny or not acknowledge what is real in our life/ves.

the lack of therapist and pdoc makes it feel tenfold at least. therapist has backup during vacations but if we havn't met that backup before there's little chance in hades we'd ever consider picking up the phone to call them. we'd much rather talk to an anon. hotline then to some trained therapist who is a stranger to us................we'd rather have the true stranger doesn't make much sense but there it is.

pdoc is kind person who does much to assist during difficulties. felt badly that we couldn't make it to our second appt. that month. at least we'll give ourselves credit for making it to one......instead of berating ourselves for missing the second. besides safety needs to win out when operating a vehicle and others on the road could be endangered by our spacey driving.

ty for chiming in. sorry the server went kaput. been spending past few weeks doing much battle with this machine in order to get it back to speed and updated enough to crawl around the Internet again w/o so much hassle. and technology eases our lives how?

[__zh]

EV you're in our thoughts often. sorry we're not able to post much as life takes twisty turns sometimes requring attention be paid to offline things.

this has been one heckuva twisty year that we've been trying to remedy.

trying to go see the horses every day as they're comforting and sensitive. the puppies and the ranch dogs are also good companions to mosey about the property with. the owners/landlords are thrilled we like their animals and we've done vacation care here already.......nothing like driving a golf cart to distrubute the hay and having three to five dogs fighting who gets to ride shotgun! when they start fighting over it I put them all away telling them if they don't take turns then NOBODY gets to ride in the cart. funny dogs.

strange how moments of "normal" drift through this hazy confusing painful time. but they are just that..........moments.

tc dear EV. you too are most deserving of all things kind, gentle, sincere and good. we hope you internalize that someday and know to your very depths of your soul how much of a decent person and good egg you are.

[__zh]

one things that hurts so much is the sense of having given so much in so many ways only to be shat upon in return. we know this often can be a distortion of our mind due to depressive thinking or even the dissociation but we're not always going to chalk those thoughts up to old stuff. sometimes we are accurate in our perceptions and when we realize the validity of our assessment of a situation it saddens us greatly to have been correct after all.

pain, whether from within, or inflicted externally is pain.

the cruel taunts echo in our head and smoosh down our heart. the one sided nature of some is what shines in times of need........those that can do and those than can't just show their underbellied by their chosen actions.

one needn't give with expectation of anything in return. however to show compassion or kindness can take courage instead of falling in with the crowd. to be strong enough to stand alone w/o a crew or posse is one of our favourite things about this place. we see the best in folks along side the worst.

we take what works and leave the rest. it still hurts to know some choose to be as they are.

[Fuzzybear]

zh, I just want to say that when I read your original post here, I felt I understood some of what you were going through. I wasn't sure if my input would be helpful though.

I for one, do feel empathy when you or anyone here, is going through hard times, such as you have described in this thread.

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I just want to say that when I read your original post here, I felt I understood some of what you were going through. I wasn't sure if my input would be helpful though.

I for one, do feel empathy when you or anyone here, is going through hard times, such as you have described in this thread.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> thanks fb

last night in chat down was kind enough to pass along some words from both of youse ty very much to you and down for your sentiments.

it can be terrifying to have seemingly new ways (visions of that is) of harming oneself crop up suddenly and so strongly. thus the lyrics as explanation.

ty for your words.

I am not suffering from DID, a bit of dissociation but not DID. I don't know if I have the right to reply to this post or not but I'm only going to say :

I agree with zh last post.

[__zh]

sweetness you have EVERY RIGHT to reply to this post. (((time0))))

hon, your words have always been kind and true. we're sorry you can relate to our last post as it shows you too have experienced this kind of pain.

that stinks rotten slop!! really! it just stinks that any of us feel those ways........whether or not from internal stuff, external influences or combos of the two.

mean is mean is mean. kind is kind is kind. the two aren't intermingible. of course we all have the ability to have many different qualities inside.....it is in the choices we make to share those qualities that we show who we are in this world.

you, my dear, are an extremely kind woman who has more strength than she may ever know. until that day when you do know we'll keep reminding you of the truths we perceive given what you have shared with us over time. just our opinions..............for better or for worse. we hope they lean toward better but we're not the judge of that

thanks again time0, fuzzybear, EV, Evangelista and nothemama8. the desperation that was funking out our entire mood isn't quite as severe today.

the lack of sleep sure didn't help but knowing that this too shall pass and hearing from others does help.

ty all for taking the time to respond. we're grateful for y'all.

[nothemama8]

zh you have been here for us and we want to be here for you and yours, we have learned soooooooo much from you and others here, it has truely save our lives in more ways than one knows
Angie

[mlyn]

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
it has truely save our lives in more ways than one knows

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
that is so true. one never knows when reaching out or a kind word is just the thing to keep darkness at bay one more day.

[__zh]

waves hello back your direction.

angie has a way of leaving us speechless as well. = )

there are many dear hearts that have popped in and we're grateful to see their words when this pain is so heavy and distorting and confusing and and and........you get the gist.

we miss so many. these windows of awareness are sometimes so sad because we are aware of how much goes missing with the way life is now. we are aware of the passage of time (not during it but long after) and how a couple weeks sometimes is a matter of months or half year or more. it baffles us how we slog through life when we're barely aware at times. rambling. we'll stop here.

tc mlyn we're grateful to see familiar faces in this decending darkness that is feeling like it has taken hold and is putting down roots. bleh!

[bipolar_bear]

_zh I know we don't know each other but I can't help but reply to the pain you have expressed. Since I have joined you have been a continuous source of information and conviction. I am happily surprised to see a glimpse of the person within although it saddens me that it expresses your pain.

i hope that over time you can enjoy the entire spectrum that is you and not lose those weeks/months or whatever length you find yourself missing. All I can say is that my heart goes out to you. I hope that you become able to continue to see your pdoc to help you heal. For what it is worth I am here for you and care.

BTW I have ordered the book you reference in one of your posts "The Myth of Sanity" as I respect your opinions.

[kimmydawn]

pain, whether from within, or inflicted externally is pain.

no truer words, and this dissociative mind takes me from it quickly usually. when it doesn't, it's hell because it's something we're not used to. is it just me that thinks pain is more painful for us because of that?

zh, i wish you well, and hope every day you're pulling through the pain, fog, and isolation it can cause.

KD

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kimmydawn said:
pain, whether from within, or inflicted externally is pain.

no truer words, and this dissociative mind takes me from it quickly usually. when it doesn't, it's hell because it's something we're not used to. is it just me that thinks pain is more painful for us because of that?

zh, i wish you well, and hope every day you're pulling through the pain, fog, and isolation it can cause.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">it can get so confusing and existential almost when trying to figure out if feeling the pain is healthy since it is an indicator of awareness therefore "being present"? or is feeling pain something that precipitates more dissociation? like you've said 'this dissociative mind takes me from it quickly' which can often be the case here as well.

dog has been lifeline as usual but sometimes much moreso and really a blessing we couldn't have ever foreseen or expected. responsibility of more than a dog just baffles us as to how we've managed to hold jobs of more responsibility over our lifetime. meh. this is neither here nor there.

thanks KD. glad the sweet boy has a bunny. he continues to be a blessing for you and yours and you and yours are blessings for him as well.

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bipolar_bear said:I know we don't know each other but I can't help but reply to the pain you have expressed. Since I have joined you have been a continuous source of information and conviction. I am happily surprised to see a glimpse of the person within although it saddens me that it expresses your pain.

i hope that over time you can enjoy the entire spectrum that is you and not lose those weeks/months or whatever length you find yourself missing. All I can say is that my heart goes out to you. I hope that you become able to continue to see your pdoc to help you heal. For what it is worth I am here for you and care.

BTW I have ordered the book you reference in one of your posts "The Myth of Sanity" as I respect your opinions.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> it is taking all we can muster to politely say thank you for your thoughtful words as we're feeling a bit spinny (whoosh, whoa, no wheee) after reading. so....thank you.

it takes certain choices, depending upon disease/disorder, whether or not to reveal and in what fashion to do so. therapist returned last week and called last night. feedback was when more was being shared (irl, in therapy, with trusted folk) there was more softness to this hard, sharp shell that holds our pieces. point taken.

what fragile little egos [humans] have.....what is lighthearted and silly and fun or nothing more than passing thought, if even that, to others can be wounding to our core. we own that. doesn't change the feeling and the healing.

our pace, our terms. ours.

[kimmydawn]

you're so welcome, zh.

it seems like dog does for you what boy does for me...keeps me "present" if at all possible...and grounded, focused (as much as possible).

i'm glad we both have that as i think it's imperative. had i not had my little man to nurture and care for when doing the trauma work, whew...

peace to you.

KD

zh---haven't been here very much lately and have just caught up to your thread.
i hear your struggle. almost deafeningly loud to me as i have been struggling with things that I hear echoed in your posts.
I am glad for you having a dog to help assist you. I have had to retire my service dog and do miss being able to take him with me though he is still helpful at home.

It is my hope that you will not be in this place long. You are brave and courageous and strong and will get through.
Listening and here.
w_i

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
white_iris said:
zh---haven't been here very much lately and have just caught up to your thread.
i hear your struggle. almost deafeningly loud to me as i have been struggling with things that I hear echoed in your posts.
I am glad for you having a dog to help assist you. I have had to retire my service dog and do miss being able to take him with me though he is still helpful at home.

It is my hope that you will not be in this place long. You are brave and courageous and strong and will get through.
Listening and here.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> we're glad that your pooch is helpful at home but what a shift out in the world it must be w/o a service animal

there are so many things that are now a week overdue (bills, banking, post, life, etc.) and our tuchus remains seated, nay, glued here in front of the computer. the dog is ready to go in an instant...........the dog cannot safely operate the car unfortuately......scowls at the stuck-ed-ness feeling to all this.

changes large and small can wreak havoc in our lives. both the positive changes and the not so positive ones. takes time to adapt. takes even more time to learn how to adapt in a healther manner than the fragmented pieces that our lives and memories are now. we're trying. we're not giving up. we're tired and so freaking' sick to death of the head trip our own mind gives us about this. it is as if only *I* could put *my* disbelief and *my* denial on hold and get on with things......if only....

getting into the 'if onlys' and 'what ifs' and wandering around wondering those things just keeps us from moving forward. that's us though....we're unique and strange in many ways......but also comforted to find out when we share some things with others as that alleviates the painful lonliness that can accompany this disorder. dbl edged sword.....glad to know others understand but also devestated that others have lived through what it takes to understand too well.

how funny (odd not haha) that we often can so clearly see strength and courage in others yet fight to the ends of the earth to deny those very qualities in ourself/ves. thank you for the reminders that others can see what we often refuse to acknowledge in ourself/ves.

got a proposal for you w_i.......how about we each try to get out (no time limits) and go for a solo ice cream cone? we know how hard that might be for you and the reasons why......we have our own for why it is difficult on this end. but why not try? the upsides? ice cream!!! and the confidence that we're able to do more than we give ourselves credit for. what say ya, w_i?

i'm ready--i'm ready!!!! dog can come too-there's no walking involved (he has bone spurs on his spine and can't walk on hard surfaces and much walking around is difficult for him now.)
it has to be a tomorrow thing--i'm thinking 2PM EST--ice cream!!!!! chocolate. gotta be chocolate!!!
w_i

[__zh]

let's hear about that ice cream w_i!! we're going to go today during some point of our running about driving 150 miles all over queendom come........craving mint chip but will decide once there.

hope your ice cream done you right

will report back later when finished with the big city dealings and safely back here in boondock nowhereland.