symptoms/co-host question

i was wondering;
if you have co-host and 2 are working the body... what would that feel like?
would one be more dominant in the mind while one is more dominant in the body?
would you feel 2 ways at the same time? even opposing emotions?


are these really the symptoms of dissociative disorder?

The Spectrum of Dissociative Disorders: An Overview of Diagnosis and Treatment - HealthyPlace

i have all of that

how come a doctor has never tried to talk to me about this?
is it just that i never presented any symptoms of dissociation?
it seems everyone i talked to doesnt really grasp the gravity of what im trying to explain.. the last psychologist sort of did though i think.. he said that these issues are severe - and that i am very interesting person, but he didnt recognize dissociation? is it possible that why he diagnosed me with somatization and ptsd?
i was in the mental health clinic for like 4 years... dunno why they never noticed the dissociation... i know i was out of it atleast a few times, if not 100% of the time when going there.. but i guess i was still self medicating back then too..
i need a break

i dunno, i wish someone could just see all my symptoms so i can stop the madness - but seems like i hide alot of the symptoms for some reason... when i get in the doctors office you know? its just hard... i guess thats why i tried to write everything down, but they wouldn't read my notes or take them seriously.. no wonder i quit seeing them as well as they diagnosed me with bipolar i have no mania... although sometimes my mood is different... the doctors probably dont know what to think about me i hope they dont think im just making a bunch of stuff up due to some inconsistencies or something... the last pdoc already put on my file that i was non-compliant... but if you ask me he was non-negotiable... wouldnt listen to me at all..

reading alot of interesting stuff... i cant wait to talk to a doctor about it..
im gonna spill the beans this time; hopefully its sometime this year...
so i can get an answer to whatever is happening inside my mind... and hopefully it doesnt make me go completely insane... like self destruct

i really would just like to know what is going on, that way i wont be so confused and doubting everything... have a name for whats going on so i can stop fearing the unknown and maybe come back to earth and try to work on getting better

:/ geez i write too much, why cant i say what i want to say in fewer words????

it really is about you being open with a therapist and telling them your experiences because from the outside, it often isn't evident. it took me 12 or so years to be able to tell my psychiatrist a lot of things related to dissociation because she wanted it to come from me when the time was right though she knew in the very beginning. the time was not right until just recently due to the severity of how things were for me in the first few years and then several years of stability where there was no need to talk about it which then led to wanting to talk about it finally which ended up actually stirring things up by accident.

but since they cannot see from the outside, you have to be the one to tell them your symptoms and experiences. i did a lot of reading over the years so presented things to my psychiatrist using the word dissociation and then described different ways it affects things, how it is, etc. so she knew i wasn't just saying things i read and just thinking it was what it was even though i did have to read a lot in order to put pieces together.

in general only one alter can be in control of the body at one time. that said many people with DID have whats called the revolving door. which is rapid switching based on each alters sense of agency.

example if I was at work and something triggered me Jane (not real alter name just using this name as an example) would take control to answer the phone, a clap of thunder and another switch and rainy was now in control to handle going to the window and shutting it to block out the rain storm, boss sees me and oh crud a meeting another rapid switch and Yeeha takes control and walks in to the office for the meeting, meeting over and someone smelling like alcohol walks past me another rapid switch so that Andrea can take a break and walk outside ...

how come a doctor never tried to talk to you about it...well theres a saying here in my location. treatment providers are not mind readers. if you want them to talk with you about something you need to tell them you want to talk about it.

dissociation is a feeling. feeling numb, feeling spaced out, feeling disconnected. unless you wear a neon sign saying Im feeling spaced out, or Im feeling numb most times treatment providers are not going to see it. you have to tell them what you are feeling.

my suggestion is print off your post and show it to them. they will be able to explain to you why they never talked with you about this and why you are not diagnose with any dissociative disorders or why you are either way.

i can be quite obsessive when it comes to trying to figure something out... i can't really help it though, i just HAVE to understand ya know what i mean?
so i read alot... cross check everything and whatever...

i think my last pdoc thought i was just rehearsing stuff because i "knew too much"...
but whatever, i like to be educated so if i intimidate the doc i guess i need to get a new one :/

anyway, i found this article that seems really interesting and tries to explain things in a way i haven't seen yet - this is part of it that i have been wandering about since i started looking into dissociation...

Dissociative Identity Disorder: Finding and speaking to alters / insiders/ parts

quite a few times i felt like this but i pushed it aside because i thought it was just me being weird... which according to this article could offend alters and cause them not to show themselves

but i dunno if i do have any alters or not, its just that the things i went through... it seems like other people that do have it went through similar things... so im just trying to explore and learn as much as i can so that i can try to rectify my self, if that makes sense...
if i do have this it would explain so much like why i reacted the way i did to certain triggers... completely out of character

but i asked about the co-host thing because it feels like im always 2 people...
there is this voice locked in my head and there is my persona that is shown through my body... i feel like i am the voice but my body is just a persona that has adapted to survive the world... if that makes sense...
when i do talk with my voice it feels kind of weird because i never speak what i hear inside, i feel so vulnerable to do that

but anyway, i think that article is really good at explaining some things so thought maybe would be a good idea to share it

edit:
when yall first learned that you had alters, was it scary?
like when they first started talking?
edit edit:
some while i was reading through that article i was having a lot of flashbacks :/
*shivers* now i feel nasty

sorry about being so ignorant... i dont like asking many questions because i really don't like to make myself look stupid but this stuff is really bothering me...
im constantly forgetting what is going on, what im thinking about, or what i was trying to do ect... past memory is null and cant seem to create and new memory...
as usual im just being obsessive and trying to figure things out...
i mean its hard not to be obsessive when you feel like this, like there is a sense of urgency because you never know when you are going to slip out of reality completely and not remember anything at all, like how to walk or talk or whatever...
its scary and im so confused... it feels like there is a huge wall in my head that is blocking everything, memories, thoughts, actions.. i try to contemplate something and everything will go blank, unable to think or unable to really remember what i was trying to think about in the first place... sometimes a minute or 2 will pass while im trying to remember and an image will pop in my head that reminds me what i was doing...
other times i just say ^#@^# and try to do something else and forget about it...
i try to be as calm as possible because i feel like if i panic it will get alot worse...
but the truth is i dont understand any of what im feeling, i've never heard anyone describe this before you know? it just doesnt make sense to me... my brain is only 26 years old it shouldn't be doing these things...
i feel like my worse enemy... but i just want to help myself get better so bad but the more i try to figure things out and make things better the worse things get...
sometimes i just feel like giving up...
but i dont want to burden my family...
i dunno why i even try to research anything when i just forget it anyway... grrr
and the doctors cant seem to figure me out either... i hate this...
sorry....

thanks amanda
i didnt even see your post... or i didnt remember reading it...
i know enough now to atleast throw some crude messages to the doc when i get a new one...

i dunno what i feel like honestly, i feel like a deck of cards being shuffled sometimes
ie: constantly in motion and never really retaining any hardcoded places or whatever...
like the deck is always present i feel aware most of the time, its just weird... its hard to explain...

no it wasnt scary for me to learn i had alters. short version I always heard voices and had other symptoms of DID since very early childhood. having DID was my normal. just like someone who grows up with blue eyes or black hair is their normal. what was scary for me was not hearing the voices not having so many dissociative symptoms after the alters all merged together with me. that was not normal for me.

like when they started talking...um they started talking upon the very first moment of their creation before I was 5 years old...so no it wasnt scary the first time they started talking. the only time an alters first talking scared me was with my psychosis type alters (alters because I was hallucinating/delusions) it wasnt normal for me to have these type alters so when I had one due to medication problem it was scary.

something you might not know about DID and having dissociative type alters. its a mental disorder that happens in very young children here in the USA due to extreme abuse. so for example an adult with DID had had that mental disorder and the problems\symptoms\ everything that comes with having DID since before they are 5 years old. some dont get....diagnosed....until they are adults. But getting the diagnosis doesnt change anything other than putting a name on what has been happening since very early childhood. so things like hearing the alters, feeling numb, spaced out, disconnected is a dissociative persons normal, it usually doesnt create negative feelings like being scared.

in the diagnostic criteria it states wording like clinical distress. that isnt things like being afraid of ones alters, it means having negative feelings and moments due to having the disorder for example sometimes I would have depression symptoms or have an alter who was suicidal. sometimes my blood pressure was too high or too low. dealing with becoming aware in strange places would cause me a bit of intrusive thoughts. but knowing the alters were there before and after getting the diagnosis and hearing them talk well that was just normal for me.

yes talking with your treatment providers is a great idea to keep in mind. I put it in all my posts just as a reminder because sometimes during the hard times its natural for people to forget to talk with their treatment providers.

in the other post here you talked about being obsessive thoughts\panic\anxiety. and memory problems. just something to check out. I see you are on some medications that if you look them up in a medication dictionary you will find that these are common symptoms. maybe you can talk with your treatment providers about your meds, there might be some different meds that can control your obsessive thoughts\panic\anxiety with out causing you to have memory blocks. it really helped me when I did this.

this is sort of what i feel like
A Philosopher Refutes the 'Stuck in Time' Hypothesis of Amnesia | Motherboard
part of the article...

im so stuck :/ but i keep spacing out so its hard to really read... or figure things out...
like walking in circles, i think my mind is leading me on a "wild goose chase "

i have been having a lot of flashbacks past few weeks.. or months.. time is hard to gauge... so maybe everything that i am doing is good? it just seems like its getting worse but maybe its getting better?

i dunno, i think im gonna try to take a break from everything... maybe let what i have tried to take in settle down and register i guess

i just wish i could see a doctor, i will soon... just as long as i get those benefits so i can afford it...
i had a lot of weird dreams last night, including one about the benefits... in the dream they denied me and said that i didnt qualify and that i dont need their help...
im still really anxious because of that dream... i think my heart will stop beating and my entire being will crumble to dust if that happens...

i guess part of me is just scared because a big part of me just hides everything and for the most part its hard for people that dont know me to see that anything is wrong...
but for example, i went to the store with my dad and brother once and i guess i was acting really jumpy or skittish or paranoid or something and my brother was like "if someone doesn't believe you have problems just go shopping with them!"
i guess i snapped at him for goofing around or something... drawing attention my way i guess
but its only when people are around me for long enough that they can start to see different things in me, its so hard because i dont really want to hide myself but i feel like i have to, or something.. but it hurts me in the long run because i cant get the right help...

im just gonna try to chill for a few days i think... its just my time perception is off and ill think its been some days but it only been 1 day... or vice versa.. think its been 1 day and its been a few weeks..

well, i guess i just have to do what i have always tried to do, go with the flow..

i know i said i was gonna stop... but i can be really obsessive :/

i found another interesting bit...

How to Know if You Have DID or Dissociative Personality Disorder

i've been trying to contemplate this...
but my memory is so bad and i didnt really intend on creating some alter-ego just to have a certain image for people :"confused:"

which brings me to another question...
is the switching from alters fluid? like can you flow through a set of alters without even realizing it which leaves you confused and questioning what just happened, or has been happening

my anxiety is really high right now so im gonna stop for real...
im border line panic attack dizzy, tingling sensations, tight chest, hyperventilating... blablabla... im so hard on myself
i can be too obsessive sometimes... especially when it comes to wanting to understand something... even more so when it involves my wellbeing i guess..

You know what? You *can't* actually figure this out by yourself. You can't figure it out on here either - like I could share some of my experience with you, but that wouldn't actually help you or be useful to you in any way at all, yet I get the feeling you would try to relate it in a meaningful way to your own experience... and yet it wouldn't actually have any correlation to your own truth at all. Sadly, saying how it is for me won't really help YOU.
What might be able to help you will be working with your own therapist. Maybe working on some relaxation or self care techniques. Finding ways to calm that anxiety and find peacefulness within yourself. And then working with your t in your sessions.

Remember, whatever you have or don't have, you've had (or not had!) it for a while, and nothing in this world can fix it quickly.
You don't need all the answers NOW and - even if you had them - it can't all be fixed NOW.
It is okay (imperative even!) to figure things out slowly, over a period of time.
It is okay to breathe.
It is okay to slow down.
It is okay to be gentle with yourself.

thanks, i know its a sensitive thing and needs to be handled with care..
i dunno why i get obsessive sometimes, i just have something inside of me that drives me to know, demands me to know i guess.. im ok now, gonna take it easy for a bit and just try to pay attention to myself.. cause i know its not the same for everyone, its just that this memory stuff has been bothering me for so long
and just because i have some signs, doesnt necessarily mean that i have DID.. or even a discociative disorder, but i really would like to know why i have this thing that seems like amnesia...
i hate not being able to remember my past and not being able to really form new memories, knowing what i did today or yesterday or whatever sucks

i understand that something like DID is a secret thing that will hide itself from everyone including the one that has it, so me prying and trying to understand and obsessively searching for answers will probably only compound the issue..
but i have to admit that i am completely fascinated with it... because it would explain so much, but im not gonna get into it until i get back into therapy for sure, but its just kind of like one of them things that you do for ever and never realize it till someone points it out to you ya know? i feel like im just realizing some of these things about myself that i have never thought of or even considered... since the beginning of this year and start of a new major depressive episode late last year... which im doing better depresion wise right now, so im just gonna be grateful for that

i had a lot of weird dreams last night so.. i need to take it easy for a while, appreciate all the input

i went out with my sister to do a couple errands and help keep an eye on the baby and while i was out i had an idea, i mean i have thought about asking before but i didnt want to because im nervous if it is not normal and would embarrass me... i dont like conflict :/

but i just thought maybe i could try to write a small bit of what goes on in my mind in what i think is a typical morning from period i wake up to few moments after or whatever... i cantt write everything for a whole day, plus i dont wanna write some of the thoughts

but i wanted to ask because i change point of views throughout the dialog.. and sometimes multiple times in 1 "statement" or whatever you would call a thought/train of thought? and it gets really weird sometimes...
also while im going through this kind of thing im not really focused on the world.. its when i feel the most dissociated... if i am infact experiencing dissociation :/ but if someone calls me or catches my attention its like everything gets silent and i am focused on whatever drew my attention?
atleast momentarily until i drift off - my most used sentance is probably "sorry, what?" and "mhmm"
i kind of thought these things were part of ADHD so... i dunno

this is just a few moments of dialog... from me waking up to getting out the bed pretty much
not wanting to prove anything or not but just wondering about if people think like that? i drive myself crazy sometimes, especially when i start getting negative...
i tried to space each line as one thought would be... like it pops up and then the next will come to and so forth... sometimes really fast :/
like it seems so fast that its like im saying it at the same time but that just confuses me

sorry i type so much, im gonna take a chill pill, thanks for not yelling at me!
i digress:

is this normal sorry cant say if its normal for you only your own treatment providers can say that.

what i can say is that for my wife and I (my wife does not have any dissociative disorders) it is normal for us.

for me its part of my bipolar mania cycle, depression, anxiety, OCD and many other non dissociative problems too.

for my wife its just the normal self talk that every human being does, part of having a brain that can reason \think on logical and non logical things.

I also know many people with and with out all kinds of physical, mental problems and normal for them self talk like this.

the best thing you can do is contact a treatment provider. trying to figure out /self diagnose can lead a person down the wrong road.

also you stated in other posts you have OCD. this kind of self talk in general is normal for people with OCD. your treatment providers (or one in your location) can tell you whether this is part of your existing diagnosis's.

just ignore me yall, im being weird
i think stress has been getting to me lately and my mind ramps up trying to ... i dunno, distract myself i guess
sometimes i talk to much, doing things i shouldnt.. hope i didnt say anything to offend anyone
ill be fine, just gotta change the station
gotta slow my roll
cheers