[lucidity11]

my t explained that my, what seem to be overwhelming feelings of sadness, are actually flash backs of emotion. Similar to visual flash backs. I had never thought of my emotions in that way. I'd always felt that my emotions would overcome me and crush me. what she said helped me because i realized that the sadness and emotional pain was real but needed to be released because the reason for the emotional pain and sadness doesn't exist anymore. the physical threats are gone, the verbal abuse is gone, the insanity of my childhood is not happening now. so i can cry and cry and feel the sadness in my sole as my helpers free themselves of the burden of emotional pain I wanted a nice childhood, I wanted to be loved, to feel loved, to have friends, to have a safe home free of overwhelming violence. I wanted all this, I lament at times that I didn't have this, But there is no rhyme or reason. It's what I do with what I have that I will measure me.

[TrailRunner14]

Every word of this speaks to my heart!! All that you said has seemed to be on the edge of my mind and I was not able to put it together.

The tears won't come. I see the events like I'm watching it happen in numbness except for the panic anxious feeling, that's what I feel. I've also been afraid that it would shatter me and change who I was. I don't know the answer to get around whatever is blocking my tears.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Since I started learning about DID I wondered if my crazy crying fits or anger bursts were some kind of flashback, but at the same time I disregarded that thought- assumed flashbacks were more visual than emotional.

Thanks for posting this

[Mookster]

Ive learned that my emotions are passive influences from the tribe. Since I don't know emotions they are the ones that help me to feel them. Most times I don't like them, would rather just feel numb and not have to deal with them.

[finding_my_way]

i can relate to this. it took me a long time (and still gets confusing) between what is actual depression, what is grief related to the things from childhood that happened/i didn't have, etc., what are my feelings versus the others' feelings, and what are actual emotion based flashbacks. so, it gets mixed.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by CassyO

Since I started learning about DID I wondered if my crazy crying fits or anger bursts were some kind of flashback, but at the same time I disregarded that thought- assumed flashbacks were more visual than emotional.


Thanks for posting this

Wish that was something I could do. Be angry and actually have a fit. When that happens for me it's like a vacuum and my emotions are covered by something. It's happening, but not there in the moment. It hurts.

Not sure if it's a flashback for me or more of a learned response. ?? A hand on the place of safety. To go away.

Originally Posted by Mookster

Most times I don't like them, would rather just feel numb and not have to deal with them.

Yes. This!

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

i can relate to this. it took me a long time (and still gets confusing) between what is actual depression, what is grief related to the things from childhood that happened/i didn't have, etc., what are my feelings versus the others' feelings, and what are actual emotion based flashbacks. so, it gets mixed.

And this!

I don't know where my emotions are most of the time. And when they're there I don't know where they've come from, or have the words to label them.

[Gr3tta]

I sometimes have "inappropriate " emotions about things, but I've learned that this happens when I am triggered into some other memory, and the emotion matches that memory, not the current situation.

thanks for this!

good post!

[Mookster]

I'm not used to feeling anything other than blank and numb the last couple of years. I've seem to have lost the meaning and feeling of most emotions..

Tho yesterday was a bad bad day, I was seriously angry all day long, and then I'd feel like I wanted to cry and I'd get angry again, it just kept flip flopping all day long. Everything I tried didn't work.. I couldn't even numb myself with a game on the iPad, I'd get upset and throw the iPad.. Before I broke the thing or got drunk I decided to go for a drive and try to take some pictures... It kinda worked tho still made me want to cry, which for some reason I won't do... Thankfully I didn't drink, I didn't cry and I made it through the day somehow..

Brings up something a little off topic of this message... How many of you have realized you depend on the others to help regulate yourself? I feel like I'm starting to do it more and more again..

[BrazenApogee]

Thanks for this. This helps me too.

[TrailRunner14]

Yes!! Me too. Though, right now I'm at the mercy of one of my parts flipping out and having polar issues. I did drink. I only do that to the point of having my hand on the door of going away but not.

It was a bad weekend and I've been in a kind of one foot in each world place. Kind of dreamy feeling. It's ok. It will make sense!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[kecanoe]

I have a t that believes that fear of emotions is a key part of dissociating. So we've been working on my fear of feeling like a failure, grief, loneliness, abandoned, rejected. It has helped the dissociation. I do have to say that I am now feeling some of those emotions that I don't want to feel. T warned me that this might happen.

For example, I am avoiding calling my brother who is in the midst of an ugly divorce/custody battle and not seeing his children. I avoid calling because I don't want to (am afraid of) feeling sad. Or of feeling what his kids must be feeling about not seeing their dad. But I really want to support my brother. Ugh.

[TrailRunner14]

Your reply has captured my mind most of this day. I've tried to reply with an answer but couldn't put it together. So... Here is what washed out in my mind...

My fears, I don't believe, are in feeling the emotion. I believe they are in response to validating the emotion.

When I'm triggered, it's usually numbness that I feel. In blind faith, I want to know and see the emotion that was there. I think. Saying that is kind of scary. Those things that you mentioned kecanoe to me seem to be moments of impact that created those feelings that you mentioned. There is a part of me that does not want to go back to the point that those were ??? What's the word? Created/born/made real in my mind? Does that make sense??

My mind, I think, just filters certain situations the same way it would have in the moment it was created and decides if it's ok to stay or not. Hope that makes sense.

I'm looking for answers too and would value your opinion.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by Mookster

I'm not used to feeling anything other than blank and numb the last couple of years. I've seem to have lost the meaning and feeling of most emotions..

Tho yesterday was a bad bad day, I was seriously angry all day long, and then I'd feel like I wanted to cry and I'd get angry again, it just kept flip flopping all day long. Everything I tried didn't work.. I couldn't even numb myself with a game on the iPad, I'd get upset and throw the iPad.. Before I broke the thing or got drunk I decided to go for a drive and try to take some pictures... It kinda worked tho still made me want to cry, which for some reason I won't do... Thankfully I didn't drink, I didn't cry and I made it through the day somehow..

Brings up something a little off topic of this message... How many of you have realized you depend on the others to help regulate yourself? I feel like I'm starting to do it more and more again..

i had a few years where i think i felt more range of emotions, though looking back now i am not sure. things were more stable then overall at least.

i know that normally i feel numb/nothing with rare times where i'll feel something positive (like when seeing certain family members) or when something is triggered and i dissociate or feel something from the others, etc. otherwise, it's just numbness.

i never understood how random emotions would come up because they didn't seem to match with the situation..so it has taken a long time to piece that together.

what do you mean by depending on the others to help regulate yourself?

[TrailRunner14]

That was also in my mind today as I was sorting through this. I was trying to decide if I was letting other regulate me. Does that mean that you react in response to a trigger from someone like transference? That does happen and I'm learning to see when it does.

Is that what you were saying?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by lucidity11

my t explained that my, what seem to be overwhelming feelings of sadness, are actually flash backs of emotion. Similar to visual flash backs. I had never thought of my emotions in that way. I'd always felt that my emotions would overcome me and crush me. what she said helped me because i realized that the sadness and emotional pain was real but needed to be released because the reason for the emotional pain and sadness doesn't exist anymore. the physical threats are gone, the verbal abuse is gone, the insanity of my childhood is not happening now. so i can cry and cry and feel the sadness in my sole as my helpers free themselves of the burden of emotional pain I wanted a nice childhood, I wanted to be loved, to feel loved, to have friends, to have a safe home free of overwhelming violence. I wanted all this, I lament at times that I didn't have this, But there is no rhyme or reason. It's what I do with what I have that I will measure me.

Hello. I send you big hugs. It is so courageous that you share with such openess you own feelings about life in your aprents house when you were a kid. You are brave and insightful. IT is so hard when our parents either dont know how to love or dont even know what love is. Living without the love and protection and care you need as a little kid is bad enough but when you add in overwhelming violence, a child's ability to survive is really tested.
I wish you the happiness and love your deserve and am so glad to hear you are in therapy and working through all this.

Take care.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

I can identify. With a lot of this. We all exist for a reason, purpose, memory,or moment in time. We who are the current forms I suppose have lingering past forms. Some we remember being but don't have the time or have pushed away dealing with pasts that still require some form and space to process. Others are just baffling. But best to not entertain. Cuz probably hold something that we can't handle knowing...

[lucidity11]

Quote " Others are just baffling. But best to not entertain. Cuz probably hold something that we can't handle knowing..."

This is how I have felt for ever. That the memories that I have buried would become known to me and the feeling of the emotions connected to them would kill me. If I can trust the knowledge that the emotions are "flash backs", while fully understanding that flash backs, by their nature, are not of the present, I can allow myself to feel the emotional pain and know that it won't kill me. It will free me from my past. That is what we are willing to do.

[TrailRunner14]

My counselor and I have talked about this also. There is a fear in my heart, that if I could get to the memory and "see" it, it would shatter my soul and who I am. My wish. My prayer. My hope. Like you said " the emotions are 'flash backs'" and they cannot hurt me now. I want the courage and bravery that that one did not have in that moment, for that one here now. That is what all of me is pressing towards.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Mookster]

By regulating me I mean they handle the emotions so I can stay numb. I've grown accustomed to being numb and have found I like it in most respects. One of my T's is working through a book with me.. And he knows my fears of finding out what the other parts of my brain are hiding from me. And we are trying to find a different way to get that information where I can still stay numb until it's out in the open.

[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Every word of this speaks to my heart!! All that you said has seemed to be on the edge of my mind and I was not able to put it together.

The tears won't come. I see the events like I'm watching it happen in numbness except for the panic anxious feeling, that's what I feel. I've also been afraid that it would shatter me and change who I was. I don't know the answer to get around whatever is blocking my tears.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hello Trailrunner. I send you hugs. I beleive you are growing in your awareness, and piece by peice ,step by step you will find your answers /connections within your mind, memories , physical body, and the feelings connected to all these parts of you. Take care. It makes me happy to see you connecting through your understanding to others here.

Whatever stage in therapy we are in--

WE REALLY CAN SUPPORT EACH OTHER IN OUR GROWING AWARENESS AND SELF HEALTH! wow.

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Your reply has captured my mind most of this day. I've tried to reply with an answer but couldn't put it together. So... Here is what washed out in my mind...

My fears, I don't believe, are in feeling the emotion. I believe they are in response to validating the emotion.

When I'm triggered, it's usually numbness that I feel. In blind faith, I want to know and see the emotion that was there. I think. Saying that is kind of scary. Those things that you mentioned kecanoe to me seem to be moments of impact that created those feelings that you mentioned. There is a part of me that does not want to go back to the point that those were ??? What's the word

My mind, I think, just filters certain situations the same way it would have in the moment it was created and decides if it's ok to stay or not. Hope that makes sense.

Absolutely makes sense. Reacting to situations today thru the filter of my past makes the emotions so much more intense, and then my mind usually decides to check out. Or that part, ego state or whatever. She checks out and another surfaces to deal with the emotion. And she usually acts on it as well.

Something that I am trying is to catch the emotional reaction and to have compassion for the part that initially suffered the hurt. My hope is that reacting compassionately will help me to stay present, And will help with the switching. Very different from the "don't feel" that I am accustomed to.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you so much for your reply!! It's late and I can't key myself down to go to bed. Everything you have said is going through my mind.

There are three parts of me that are very present and that I acknowledge and give great value to. Learning as I go .......

There is a little one, who is everything good, before bad things happened.

There is a 12 year old who is like the protector.. Defiance and anger, which was not allowed growing up or even in my adult life. Not sure if that is residual or fear. Just saying.

Then. There is the Compliant One. This one seems to be the strongest. It's the one that has always tried to make sure that everything was ok. Things were what they needed to be and everybody was happy. It came with a price.

That part of me "she" paid the price even though I knew it wasn't what I wanted.

I've been listening and writing tonight. That part of me is so very important and special to me. It feels like it may be reluctant to share her heart but I will listen.

Thank you so much for your reply again!! It's Friday and the sky's are supposed to be clear and my plan is to be outside with my music and putting an arm around compliance.

Much love!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk