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#1
Feb 24, 2017, 07:30 PM
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can someone tell me its going to be ok if i just keep trying to do these appointments, i just am not able functioning currently... im running on a single cylinder... this is safe mode... minimum applications and resource usage minimized...
so tired.... this is wearing me down bad... i've never felt quite like this before... atleast i dont remember... i dunno how much more i can handle honestly... im trying so hard... but im at my ropes end... whats a dream? whats reality... when the dream feels as real as reality... and reality as real as the dream... lingering... haunted 
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 Anonymous37915, Anonymous48690, Fuzzybear, ruh roh, yagr
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#2
Feb 24, 2017, 08:11 PM
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my suggestion is contact your treatment providers. they will help you to decide whether you should continue with your appointments, whether you and your treatment providers need to space out your appointments or give you more of them... if you are asking for our ....opinions of what we would do.... when I am struggling thats when I increase my appointments and when I am doing ok thats when I decrease my appointments. again only you can say whether you need to keep going to your appointments or not. thats a personal choice that usually each person and their own treatment providers decide. |
 elevatedsoul
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#3
Feb 25, 2017, 07:32 AM
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I'm just having a really hard time...
things are getting bad for me... I thought they were supposed to get better; not worse... im in hell  if i dont get disability then i don't know how im going to cope... getting disability opens options for me to be able to leave here and get away from the bad stuff... im having a nervous breakdown... or whatever you call it when your mental functions start to fall to the side and stop cooperating... i just can't handle this anymore... why isnt this medication helping  i just need to be able to believe that its going to get better...
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#4
Feb 25, 2017, 10:50 AM
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I'm trying to remember what it was... a month ago? I dunno. I had a breakdown of sorts. I'm still kinda playing 'recover' from it... it's still problematic from that, but at least I am in a place where I can pick up the pieces. During that time, I did not think I would pull through it. I thought for sure that.. all of the things that were going on in my life, in my head, in everything... I just knew it would eat me up and swallow me whole. I saw no escape, no end, no nothing. I know how awful it is getting through that.
Through... that is the important part. It is temporary even when it does not seem so. This is one of those times that everything being temporary is a good thing. I can't promise that things will get better soon, but I can promise that right now does not last for ever. You can get through this. This won't be forever. -V
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no hugs or prayers pls n thx  (dx list: DID/PTSD, ASD, GAD, OCD, LMNOP) |
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#5
Feb 25, 2017, 12:16 PM
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#6
Feb 25, 2017, 02:09 PM
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Quote:
let me show you something.....lets do some reality testing for a moment..... SSI monthly amount is 735.00 right now. the .....average.....rate of rent right now is in the 600.00 range for a 1 bedroom place. that leave 135.00 for paying electric and phone... right now the ......average.....electric bill runs about 60.00 or more in summer and 100-300, in winter time. that leaves a person on SSI with 75.00 to pay the phone bill in summer and possible no phone in winter. right now the .....average phone bill is 35-80 (if cell phone with unlimited data, air time and minutes) and about the same or more if you have a landline phone. add to that, ........on average..... it can take up to 2-3 years before the approval letter comes and up to 10- infinity to fight the denial letter.... so based on these .....averages......how is getting disability going to help a person to cope when at the moment the persons bills are being paid by someone else. the reality of getting SSI is that you never have enough money. you have to live on a strict budget and prioritize your bills so that you have just barely enough money to pay your rent and electric and maybe if you are lucky there will be enough for a basic cell phone, with a basic cell phone plan, and you might have to do a bit of fancy foot work on choosing whether to pay for the medications that the medical insurance doesnt pay for or that cell phone. after getting approved for SSI a person also has foodstamps but its never enough to just go out and buy everything you want. people with jobs on average spend about 100.00 for food a week where as people on food stamps they get 100-195 that has to last a whole month. my point is you cant put your coping hopes on whether or not you get SSI, it can take many years before you get it and when you do all that happens is now instead of your parents paying for the home you live in, the medications you need, doctor appointments you need, the electricity you use, the cell phone you have, the clothes you wear, you will have to figure out how to get those things on your own on an even more restrictive income then you get by working. on an average most people who are on SSI wish they were not and say it caused them more problems not less when before they had SSI their parents and relatives were taking care of the bills. it is very hard to live on poverty level income. my point is your coping skills of how you cope with your mental illness will not change when you get SSI, only you can change and make your life better by learning how to cope with your mental disorder. you learn how to cope with your mental disorder by taking your meds as prescribed, staying off the alcohol or drugs or both depending upon ones situation and yes going to their appointments when needed. my suggestion is talk with your treatment provider. maybe they can introduce you to someone who is living in poverty (SSI) and mentally ill that can tell you what you will need to do for yourself if and when you get approved for SSI someday and in the mean time your treatment provider can help you to learn coping tools that will help you to make your life better. |
| ruh roh
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#7
Feb 25, 2017, 08:55 PM
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I know that what AL is probably really hard to hear, ES, but it's sooo true. It's a downward pushing system, really...unless there is no other option, it is not something to aim for as a hope that help is on the way. Even the medical care associated with it (Medicaid) has such a low reimbursement rate to providers that it's really hard to find medical, dental and mental health providers who will accept it. Those who do accept it often have to limit how many they will take with that insurance.
You're so young with a big heart and desires for a better future, please aim higher than the disability system. This is not a criticism, but do try to stop drinking or go to a support group meeting. That may help with your confusion and memory loss. If it doesn't help to be sober, then that will help you get a clearer diagnosis. |
| amandalouise
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#8
Feb 25, 2017, 09:31 PM
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Hmm, yeah, that is a very bleak picture of the disability system and it doesn't look like it will be of any great help to you. Although, I can see from your current point of view where you have no income at all, it does give hope of something more than what you have currently.
We can really only work with what we have in the moment... the things you have at the moment may not seem like much, but they are more than nothing. Your greatest support at the moment is the therapist, so perhaps that is where it might pay to put your energy for now. Work towards stability, grounding, all those things that will enable you to feel more centered and functional in the moment. ES, I am so sorry that you live in a society that doesn't take care of its most vulnerable citizens. So sorry your country doesn't have adequate support systems in place. |
| ruh roh
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#9
Feb 26, 2017, 07:42 AM
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i appreciate it,
yeah i meant therapy and pdoc and regular doc and stuff... because i been going through this since 2011 and it feels like its just getting worse and nothing is helping... there is a lot of bad stuff happening that is triggering to me... not mentioning the constant nightmares that i have for whatever reason just wearing me down... the courts are already involved... they have been for like a year... its just everyone around me and the way they handle stuff... no one tries to minimize the impact of words and actions on me they just vent to me and dump everything on me even though i try to tell them im sick and cant handle it... the disability i could sign up for a program they have in my state tht would allow me to live on campus so to speak... like a hospital program... they help with appointments, rides, housing, everything to rehabilitate mentally ill people... its a sober program though so its scary to think i would have to do it sober.. but thinking about it i just feel like it would have to be better than what im going through now... there is a waiting list for it but atleast then i could have something to look for... im not looking to live off disability for ever... just was hoping to get it to help me get a good foothold so i can step out and go to work by helping me stabilize and get myself a little better so i can go to work... i dunno what im gonna do... just keep fighting i guess... ill be fine... im just having a really bad time... thanks for letting me vent a little... therapy is on the 28th so hopefully i can be ok till then...
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| amandalouise, ruh roh
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| amandalouise
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#10
Feb 27, 2017, 09:36 AM
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Hi. We live on disability. We got that husband guy but he dont make lots of money or do lots to help. It aint cuz hes mean but hes got work n school n his free money for school run out so he gotta pay lots on his own so thats how come he cant help lots but we are poor and crazy and it sure is rough sometimes but its wayyyyyyyyy better then livin up in some house where you got people who be settin you off all day every day. Its hard to make big steps when where you livin is hurtin you. I couldnt do no hard work on me if people in my house was dumpin all over me. No way.
Know what i think? I think lots of times when ppeople go to therapy its cuz they doin hard work. I think to whenever you do hard work it seems like it you gotta be steppin backwards before you can be movin forward. But them stepps that lots of times make you thinkin you not movin or movin backwards well lots of times those are big steps in the right way you not even seein until later. You got one more day til you can go to that therapy. Im ppullin for you. You can do it. NiKKi
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no hugs or prayers pls n thx (dx list: DID/PTSD, ASD, GAD, OCD, LMNOP) |
| elevatedsoul
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#11
Feb 27, 2017, 12:44 PM
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i've always lived in poverty... we didnt have food when i was kid... clothes and stuff...
had to steal and stuff just to survive... so living on disability is much more than i have at the moment or have ever have since i have never been able to work due to these conditions... but its not something i want to live on for my entire life of course... its just something that could open some doors for me while im trying to recover enough sanity to get my foot in the door to real life... i do a great deal of reality check all the time, checking myself, checking other people... where i live is really triggering to me because i live with my dad... for numerous reasons its triggering and still would be triggering if he knew how to behave and handle his own emotions... due to the physical abuse and emotional neglect and everything else under the sun that happened when i should of had real parents... so i think not about the past, try my best to deal with the present... but its hard when everytime you turn around someone is cursing about something stupid... or going over the same thing over and over and over to you when you already know and there is nothing you can do about it but yet they just keep dumping on you... like you are the thread that has held the family together for your entire life anyway and even as an adult you dont get a life of your own because you are just some emotional waste basket that everyone seems to feel the urge to fill... you know? currently my dad pays my internet bill... i dont have to pay rent... and he buys cigs for me... thats all i ever get besides the alcohol when i can... and my mom pays for that because she drinks with me sometimes... i've thought alot about how i would survive on disability and even though i know its not enough to live comfortably its a lot better than what i have now... and will finally issue me some level of independence from the stranged relationships i have with my parents... i know i drink too much but i cant help it because im losing my mind... already lost it... im so overwhelmed that i cant handle anything... yet i do, and it pisses me off because i do what i have to do... i end up forgetting everything... what im doing, whats going on during the day... what i did the day... yesterday... dont have a memory of the past, the past week, year, childhood... dont have any good memories... have some bad memories... but i dont like thinking about them... they come up in flashbacks and intruding thoughts... its just that im so broken... i need help... and im trying to reach out to the doctors before i do end up killing myself on accident or purpose... but i have communication problems... i have a hard time speaking up, its near impossible for me to speak up... speak out... to say something contrary to what the outside world wants to see... to be unpleasant... to be me... i cant just say, im hurting... its so hard... because when i try to say these things i have a smile on this stupid face... and an ability to neatrualize... emotions... feelings... to seem normal... fine... inside im dieing... outside im lying... even though im smiling doesnt mean that im ok... and i dont know how to tell anyone that i have communication problems... that im really really sick.... that if i dont get help soon i may be at serious risk of suicide... i dont wanna live like this... i cant handle it... im supposed to be an adult... but im just a kid... a really hurting kid... im trying... i just havent made much progress in the past 6 years and its getting worse... im being consumed by these things inside... and its my hell because i try to reach out but no one can reach me... no one is allowed to talk to me... im not allowed to talk to anyone... so these others just take over and try to do the best they can but its not working because no one has seen me before... not even the therapist... she wants to help i know but i wont let her... im trying to trust her but its hard to feel like any help can be givin becuse no one has ever tried to help before... even when they saw me... i just got in trouble and yelled at or beaten because i was trying to get help... im so tired... so scared of life... 27 years in this hell hole... what a waste you know... someone thats supposed to be smart like me... talented... yet unable to tap into the gifts because of stupid external people locking me in emotional cage... its not fair... i dunno what else to say... i dont wanna die, but i dont wanna live like this... im so done you know...
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| amandalouise, Anonymous37915
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| amandalouise
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#12
Feb 27, 2017, 07:21 PM
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Wow,I'm sorry you're struggling so much.Can anyone inside help you out?Can they do the communicating for you?Can they step in and take over so you can have time to rest or something?Can one of them talk to your therapist on your behalf or email him/her or text,call or something?One time when I was feeling suicidal my T told me I could always just go back inside.It made me mad,made me feel like he wanted to get rid of me but it was the best thing to do for awhile.Can you do that? Your others were created to help you so surely there's some way they can help now?I'm really surprised they haven't already with you under so much stress.
Maybe even a visit to the hospital might be needed?You really have to find some way to reach out,to say you need help.You say things so well here,just copy and paste your post into an email and send it to your T or send a letter,text,call or something. Please do something to help yourself,don't let it get worse.You don't have to feel this way. |
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#13
Feb 27, 2017, 07:57 PM
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im not sure if i can go inside any more.. i feel like i've been exiled, i feel like im shattered like a thousand foot wall of glass
something for everything... not even people.. if i was to conclude i have d.i.d. then i could explain it better... but i dont want to impose nor self diagnose so im trying to stay away from accepting that as true... how ever it does make the most sense so maybe just to humor anyone... It's like walking through the ever changing waters of existence, what makes this up? many things... the water will shift and roll over obstacles in its way, pushing forward... because it must go forward, its the law of gravity pulling it; so therefore I am alike the water, pushing, pulling, being shoved, moved, misplaced,replaced... ect ect... according to the obstacles in my way... which are currently many, which I will elaborate on because I need advice with how to deal with this, but I just wanted to point out how its working for me... its so hard writing this with disturbances in the other room... im trying to stay on topic... *deep breathe* i dunno if the others are others, or if they are just me, i dont think they are me the worse i feel because they are so different... but there seem to be so many it makes me dizzy to think about... i dont know if i have ever been inside... i dont know if i have ever truly been outside... im just feeling like this... i dunno... im having a lot of derealization... more than usual... finding myself dissociated in the middle of handling situation with gusto... but hit with my severe depression and having to push inside or away to.... wow distracted mid-sentance ended up playing with the baby.. too much noise >.< im just feeling really unstable, dissociated, scared, in trouble, overwhelmed im not sure what i was saying, im having a really hard time i've definitely been considering going to the hospital, but i had a bad experience the last time i went... was pretty much attacked by a patient i guess... re-traumatizing because he reminded me of my step brother... so i really don't want to go you know..? i just want to be ok... dissociating... sorry im really triggered today has been really difficult... but what am i sayin? everyday is really difficult grrr tomorow i'm going to ask my therapist if i can email her, the last time i asked someone at the clinic they told me it was against the rules.. but i cant remember who i asked.. if there are insiders, everyone is overwhelmed and its not pretty... im going to stop writing, i cant do this right now..
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| Anonymous37915
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#14
Feb 27, 2017, 08:06 PM
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If you already have your T's email then I suggest you go ahead and email her without asking first.I'm sure she will let you know tomorrow whether it was ok to do or not.I'm sure she would appreciate you reaching out to her and telling her the truth about things anyway and would most likely understand why you sent the email since you can't seem to tell her.
Post #11 would be ideal to send her.Or you could even write the post down on paper and give it to her tomorrow. |
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#15
Feb 27, 2017, 08:20 PM
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keep forgetting i have therapy tomorrow.. i dont have her email so i cant.. i hope she will make an exception for me and let me email her as long as i dont go overboard
wish me luck :x i really dont wanna go to therapy even... but im making myself go, even if it means crying in front of another human i have to go..
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| Anonymous37915
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#16
Feb 27, 2017, 08:30 PM
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Well then print out your post or write it down or something and take it with you.
There's a saying in Alanon,nothing changes if nothing changes,so if you want anything to change then you gotta do something about it,nothings going to change until you do something different.So find a way to do it tomorrow don't let yourself find excuses and miss the chance to. Good luck.But it's not really luck that you need,you just need to do it. |
| elevatedsoul
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#17
Feb 27, 2017, 08:44 PM
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#18
Feb 27, 2017, 10:46 PM
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Quote:
Just like you have to find a way to communicate with your T. Unfortunately no one else can do that for you. Whatever barriers you have to communicating with her, YOU need to find a way around them. And you can. |
| elevatedsoul
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#19
Feb 28, 2017, 04:02 PM
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Waiting to hear how therapy went elevatedsoul and really,really hoping you did what you needed to do and didn't find an excuse not to
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| elevatedsoul
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#20
Feb 28, 2017, 09:02 PM
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i talked to her about stuff, told her i have communication issues; told her that i say things i dont mean and blablabla but she already knew
she told me she wasnt sure how much more help i could get from her for going to therapy, not in a bad way, a gentle way she wants me to go to rehab, told me the clinic could fund the "vacation" 28-130 day program, since the clinic has extra funds currently they may be willing to send me very nice looking programs ... but i dont know, i dont think it would help me to quit but maybe help me just by getting me away from this **** hole but again i dont know, stockholm syndrome she said i need to believe in myself, i need to accept the help, reach out and take it, she said she would hold it in a theoretical box for me, and wait for me to grab it and not push me into rehab im drinking now, of course, and im pissed because of altercation with my mom, and father obviously, they just dont get it, they dont know how to be human, how to understand other people or anything! im not able to go further like this and the therapist made that clear, either i get out now or 10 years will pass and ill still be in this same **** hole im just so tired of all of this, she talks about grey area and about there being middle grounds and inbetween but its near impossible for me to see it because of everything thats going on around me, everything is bad, its all bad, there is no good; how could there be any good urgh, i shouldn't post this but what the hell maybe ill go away for ever, like she said, get away from my family, not that they are bad people, but just that they trigger me without prejudice but im thinking they are bad people, but im also thinking that everyons a bad people now, there are no good people in the world, how could there be ? wouldnt the world be a better bloody place? but no, you have to be abused as a child, a teenager, adult, then when i get to be senior, and im sure ill be abused on my death bed and probably when that dumb person in the sky sends me to hell too whats the point? i dont get it, im sorry, im pissed off thank you for the support, not mad at anyone on psychcentral
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| Anonymous37915
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#21
Mar 01, 2017, 06:31 AM
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im fine, im just tired.. sleep deprived... nightmares keep me from sleeping well enough to get any rest... i just wanted to apologize for such a nasty message... i just have to think about what T said a lot... i probably will try to go to one of the rehabs but im scared... she was talking like i could go and then just stay gone, not come back home to this mess... i guess thats why im so upset because i dont really have the problems... if everyone around me could just chill out then i would be doing a lot better... i did talk to her about emailing her too, got her email address... now i just have to figure out what to do with it,  thanks for letting me vent, i dont get to vent ever...
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| amandalouise, Anonymous37915
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| amandalouise
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#22
Mar 01, 2017, 12:08 PM
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Im glad you feel safe to vent here. We listenin. I hope it helps to get that out and say what you got to say. I know it helps me when i get to talkin n writin when im tryin to think about stuff. Its hard when you got lots happenin and got lots to be thinkin about and i sure know about that but you are talkin about it and are thinkin about it and thats real important.
NiKKi
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no hugs or prayers pls n thx (dx list: DID/PTSD, ASD, GAD, OCD, LMNOP) |
| elevatedsoul
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#23
Mar 02, 2017, 09:24 AM
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the last time i was in the hospital was only 8 or 9 days... how do you handle 28-100 or whatever?
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#24
Mar 02, 2017, 11:48 AM
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Quote:
now you and they will have plenty of time to get to the bottom of whats going on with you, get you diagnosed and treated for the right problems and teach you how to take care of yourself and your problems, they will also help you to learn how to be self sustainable and maybe even help you get your own place and own source of long term income. people who have been inpatient for long term sometimes get approved for things like SSI/SSDI faster because they can get the hospital to tell them what is wrong with you and what treatments you need in order to be a functioning part of the community. being inpatient long term has its downfalls yes but look back at all your past posts, now all those problems and questions and all those posts where you say you want to figure things out and get diagnosed correctly....my point what you have wanted and posted about is now going to happen. you did it. you told someone what was going on, they listened and now you are going to get the help you wanted for so long and that you have stated over and over again that you need. this is a positive thing, you did it (((((Elevated Soul))))) now all you need to do is learn the routine of the hospital and continue with your hard work you have been doing. only this time you wont be doing it all on your own. |
| elevatedsoul
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#25
Mar 02, 2017, 11:58 PM
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ES, it sounds like this is the opportunity you need.
You need to get out of there, hun. If it doesn't work out, you can leave, right? You'll be back where you were, but at least you gave it a shot. On the other hand, it might open up a completely different world for you. I hope this works out for you ES, you need some hope and help in your life. Best wishes to you. |
| Crew, elevatedsoul
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| Crew, elevatedsoul
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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