....not a good example..... need to set a good example .... have to be doing well to support other peeps ..... i cant help right now .... not good myself .... please keep me in your thoughts as i will keep you in mine ......

me

[pachyderm]

(((((you)))))

[pegasus]

Healing can take a real long time after what we have all been through, who's putting pressure on you? Healing is painful too, you can't rush it.

(((((((((((( jinnyann ))))))))))))))

[RozG]

love and hugs

ty.... i'm not going anywhere .... just my brain Peg .... sometimes i feel i post so much, i cringe when i see my own name i like to support others, but i cant if i'm not taking my own advice ,..... i'm so confused right now ,,,, becoming more aware of things according to my t .... it's my own brain that says people are getting sick of me maybe, then maybe not .... mixed emotions .... ty for all your replies, love you all .... Kxxxxxx

[multipixie9]

Hey Jinnyann,

Sometimes I feel embarrassed when I have to ask for help and support. But, when I read the others replies to you I see nothing but affection and a genuine desire to be supportive.

It is really ok to just accept all people give you. They are giving freely and from affection for you. Maybe you should just accept the support and support yourself the same way. If things were reversed and one of us needed lots of spoken support, you would give it freely.

I don't think you are asking for too much at all. Hang in there, friend and it will get better. I'm in a similar place where I want to support other and yet I also need to ask for a lot of support too. Sigh....

Since when did the word needy become a bad word? It is not wrong to have needs or to ask for someone to help meet needs. But, somewhere along the way it got dicey to ask for help and ask for support and that is just not right. We all need support especially coming from rough and painful backgrounds as many of us did.

OK, I'm climbing down off the soapbox now, end of sermonette!!

Leslie and her Pixies

[(JD)]

Giving out good support and not following it yourself all the time is still quite okay! When it comes to trauma, it takes many, many more times of hearing and assimulating the facts and truth before a trauma victim can begin to actually change their outlook and responses.

Your giving the right answers to others is helping yourself at the same time. The more you hear the message, and that includes giving it, the better able you will be to accept it yourself, and retrain the brain in a correct response.

Don't overdo, but do good self care!

[thelostone]

you don't post too much, and the majority of your posts you get support, but then you turn around and give support to others at the same time. healing takes time, and nobody can tell you how much time it will take for you. i don't think anybody is getting sick of you. i know you have helped me greatly. everytime i try to offer you support i end up getting more in return than i gave you in the first place.

i know i haven't been around here for that long, but i like to think that you are my friend.

love and hugs
lost

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((( Jinny )))))))))))))))

Support waxes and wanes, and that is usually a reflection of our own needs and status...as you're seeing now.

It's OK to be posting alot and focused on your own hurts and upsets! That's what it's all about.

Too many give and give and give some more until it hurts...never stopping to refuel some of the resources that are lost along the way.

Consider this refueling, hon. It's so important for a person to stop and refuel in order to be a good and consistent support to others. I learned the hard way and now I also take time to refuel and gift those I support with the wonderful gift of supporting me in kind.

You're gifting those that care about you and you've touched. What a cool thing.

KD

**edited for clarity.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( jinny ))))))))))))))))

ty all .... Lost of course we are friends ..... KD ty for explaining. i miss my parents. sometimes, when i need to cry, i just want to go to my mum and have her put her arms around me and treat me like a daughter. that will never ever happen. i see proud parents who would do anything for their kids and i crave for that attention off them still .... i'd do anything for mine, i'm nursing my daughters broken heart right now ..... and secretly i want my mum to do this for me.

my friends dad cant understand why they are like they are with me .... he has een a dad to me more than my own .... and Maggie, before she died bless her.

My family really dont like my parents, and that hurts too, ecause i was so close to MY grandparents, it hurts that my parents aren't interested in my kids.... my kids both did really well in their exams, really well, my step brother told my dad .... he never even called to say well done or how proud he was of them ..... i'm 43, and i am upset over this still .... will it ever get better? It makes it harder knowing i could NEVER treat MY children like this, therefore it tells me just how much my parents must hate me ...... what did i do wrong?

distressed, Jx

[sabby]

(((((((((((( jinny )))))))))))))

I can so understand that what you want and need from your parents the most is something that you will not receive and how it hurts to the core. I know it's something you struggle with so very much. I also know that by holding onto this pain so tightly, you are not giving yourself the chance to heal and move ahead. I'm not saying that you should not feel what you are feeling. What I am saying is that there comes a time when we have to accept what it is, face it for what it is (your parents are not capable for whatever reason to give you what you need and want) and KNOW that it is not because they hate you, but because they are flawed (a real human problem).

It's so hard when we don't have the answers to our questions. It's hard to accept, and we just have to push forward to find "our" answers to ourselves. Maybe in time we will find the answers from those who have hurt us...maybe we won't. In order to continue our own healing from inside, we must let go, stop holding on to that pain so tightly. If we don't let go, then we keep re-injuring ourselves over and over again and at what expense?

You are not pathetic....you are trying to find your way. We all are on our paths and trying to find our ways. Maybe you can change your thought pattern - instead of it being harder for you because you know you couldn't treat your own children as you have been treated, you can realize that it's BETTER and GOOD that you don't treat your children the same way. You have taken the negative and turned it into a positive! That's what life is about at times.....finding the ways of turning the bad around to find the good that can come from it.

We are all "works in progress".


sabby

(((((((((((((((((((Sabby))))))))))))))))))) i know you are right. Maybe i just cant move on .... then what? maybe i'm not strong enough to move on..... never been strong ever. So this just makes me pathetic ... i listen to everyones advice, but putting that advice into action is so hard ..... why do i even cling onto the fact one day they might change. Yes i have broken that awful chain of neglect, but it still makes me feel %#@&#! the fact my own parents dont love me. how can i love myself if they never loved me, how can i expect anyone else to love me if i dont love myself .....it's all impossible .... i know you must get so frustrated listening to the same old crap all the time .... especially when you give such good advice ....

sorry ,,,, sometimes i feel like a waste of oxygen and right now is sometimes .... me

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
jinnyann said:
... why do i even cling onto the fact one day they might change. Yes i have broken that awful chain of neglect, but it still makes me feel %#@&#! the fact my own parents dont love me. how can i love myself if they never loved me, how can i expect anyone else to love me if i dont love myself ....

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I get this. It's so painful, Jinny, and it IS hard to know how we will ever feel better. I have hope that by going to therapy, and putting one foot in front of the other, and moving through the day one moment at a time, and working to heal, that someday the pain will lessen and will just be a *part* of my life, and not the defining factor in my life.

It's hard here at the beginning. But we will get there.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( jinny )))))))))))))))))))) Hang in there - we'll make it.

(((((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))))

thankyou so much, holding your hand .... we will get though this ..... love you , jinny XOXOXOXOXOXO

[sabby]

You are so right jinny...it is damned hard to take what we know in our minds is good advice and apply it to our thinking and our lives. I kind of liken it to this....I know in my head what the answers are, but my heart hasn't caught up to it yet. There is no meeting of the mind and heart so in that way, it's hard to accept and move on.

What it comes down to is retraining your brain in how it thinks. Not an easy task to do, but definitely doable. There is nothing in this life that is impossible. Things may "feel" impossible and you may get stuck for awhile, but there are always ways of accomplishing things. It's a matter of continuing to try....opening one's mind and eyes to other possibilities. And yes, it can be very hard to do especially when stuck in a bad place.

There is a little trick I learned a couple of years ago from a dear friend who is a recovering alcoholic. He dealt with many demons and learned how to heal....and passed this on to me when I was at an all time low. I know this will sound silly and foolish and it will feel silly and foolish as well when doing it. But, I kid you not, it absolutely helps in bringing about some self love and respect!

Every single day....every time you go past a mirror, you must look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you love you. No matter how low you are feeling, you must do this. Sometimes I was so low I would scream at my reflection...I would scream "I love you and you are worth it". Of course I didn't believe that for one minute. I hated myself and my life. I was angry and miserable. But I was also determined to find my way out of it...so I did this little thing. Everytime I went to the bathroom I looked in the mirror and told myself I loved me. I kid you not, within 2 weeks, I started to feel better. I was able to look at myself with different eyes. I didn't scream it anymore....I was able to speak the words calmly. I actually began to feel important to me. I turned my thinking around and realized that I really did love me enough to give myself some care....some understanding....some patience....some compassion. I was amazed at how well this little trick worked.

That trick did wonders for me. Not only did I learn to care for myself, I learned that I didn't have to live by what I assumed were other's feelings and thoughts about me. I learned that I was a good person and I didn't have to live my life by my perception of their perceptions LOL.

Maybe, this trick might help you in retraining your brain to put yourself in a better light.


sabby

[MINIME]

I really get what your saying. I am sad that my mom was a bad mom and I wish sometimes I had a good mom. I want a mom to do mom stuff with. Its hard to be a mom and never have had a mom its like a black home trying to hold on to a butterfly.Your not alone I care about u. OK?

ty Sabby .... i will do what you said .... funny, i give others the same advice ..... ty minime ..... i care about you, love you both, Jinny xoxoxoxoxo

[sabby]

Let me know how it works for you hon.....

Funny how good we are at giving advice but find it hard to apply it to ourselves sometimes. I wonder what's up with that?