Just needing to talk:(

I am hurting so bad inside. Confused and just plain in denial and yet knowing I am in denial..I apoligize in advance as I have struggled with trying to figure out how I could even write how I feel and how it could even possibly make sense? I have shut down my parts so much the pain is so bad...Blocking them out blocking me out too really...I the person that really is in control most of the time is not really "me" either? If that makes sense? That person died many years ago when I was 17 when a tragic even took place in my life...I mean I can recall it vividly..It was like that day I felt myself "the real me" so to speak leave and then the "me" that can control and deal with life as it is now come and take control...I hope this makes some sense..Point is the person that is "me" now is harsh and just matter of fact..No real emotions dosen't show love but does for the sake of not wanting to harm the children as we do love the children so much and the husband too he's a great guy really....I the "me" now personality is like I really hate the huggy love you mushy stuff though you know? Anyhow all this emotions in the body are allot to deal with allot..They are over flowing and it's very uncomfortable in here with everything flashbacks, anger, sadness, self-harm ideas so far we have NOT done that again so that's been very good for us well that's not true we did si about 2 weeks ago, but point is not sure what to do...Confused to start allowing this system to come out and function in such an uncontrolled manner. Tdoc knows we have these parts and it was getting to the part that a trust might have been enough for her to see that part just maybe then BAM everything shut up inside and down the cement walls came and closed up inside to keep under lock and vault. My youngest girl keeps asking me where the "others" are and how come they dont come out anymore? That hurts all of them inside and actually brings me to tears too? I am not sure what to do? I feel that I can't handle allowing this dx to be part of my familys life. Things are hectic enough and I have to be there staple in there life and be active and not falling apart or not being there one minute and another part another and then not remembering what's happening..Although the not remembering still does happen can't get rid of that I can play it off better. If any of you can at least just be there to listen I know it's alot to understand I would appreciate it..I feel so lost and alone right now...I don't even want to tell my best-friend (hubby) how I am feeling as I don't want to disappoint him. I feel badly that I can't just get over this...I almost feel like it's bad enough I might need to go back to the hospital it's so overwhelming but the last three times I went there coming back was so bad they over medicated me so badly it took me months to recuperate so that's not an option..I also feel like I don't want to trust my T and she's great I just feel it's me trying to pull away cuz I don't want to trust her? Any words would be great I am so scared, confused and alone...Thanks for listening...
Misery

wish i had better words to say... wish i had a magic word... or a magic phrase... all i can really do is send you positive warm thoughts... and be here if and when you need to vent, explode, cry or anything... you aren't alone...

Awwwe thanks soulfulgrrl,
that means so much

i totally understand where you are... i can relate and i wish i could help

(((miserycriz)))

i think i know how you feel. I died inside one day and now one of my masks is living the life. Almost no feelings, just pretending, and if I get to feel something, it's never good. The shut down thing when someone gets close, the silence, the "why can't i get over it already", the fear of dissapointing people, the fear that they won't understand and go away... and therefore going away myself... I know it. I know it's hard to trust people, but i keep repeating myself, that i have to trust my T, this has become kind of a mantra for me. Try to learn to trust at least one person. Step by step. I believe everything will change for the better eventually. I wish i could help, just don't know how... I'm sorry you have to go through all this.

Hi Misery, nice to meet you. So the pdoc getting close closed up everything? How long ago did that happen? I love your signature....

3velniai
I am sorry that you can relate...No one should have to feel this way really!! I like your mantra though!!! I know I need to trust someone..I know it's imperative to do so I really do...As the a whole there is not a better person then the husband...He knows more then I belive we have collectively told the t...He does not judge but yet he has hurt us too just by things he does but he dosen't mean too...
I appreciate the fact that your able to understand though...I also fear disappointing people especially my t? I don't know why but I just want to be strong..I don't want to be weak or break down in front of her or let my guard down? Not sure which leads to my answer to Sannah's question that I started to shut down with T when I started to talk about when things in my life actually started to happen and I told her of one experience and I actually started to change in an uncomfortable way the old "me" that I spoke of came out and then I haven't actually been able to communicate to her since..In fact she e-mails me and I feel like yelling at her even smacking her when I see her. It's awful the rage I feel towards her and I haven't told her any of this at all. I do feel a bit guilty about the anger I feel towards her cuz she has bent over backwards to try to help my insurance dosen't recognize her as a provider blah blah blah and so she recduces her rates and what not but the point is I haven't even really went back to see her since that episode now that I am tallking to you all about it? You guys I feel a storm brewing with in me and I am just not sure what it all means? Than you ALL for replying..In a world of such confusion it's so NICE to have people like you to share it with and not to be ALONE...I felt so scared the last few weeks and although I have lurked I a have been to worried I would say something incredibly dumb or too out there that people would just NOT respond that's happened to me allot...Ugg...I appreciate your kindness everyone...
Misery

So I guess you didn't like the changes in you that came about in therapy? For you it would just be better if you could keep a lid on the whole system?

(((((((((((((((((((miserycriz)))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry it's so hard right now.

I often shut down when people get too close or things get too uncomfortable. I still lose too much time though so other parts still do whatever it is that they do. I don't have any communication with other parts though so it makes it difficult. It always seems like I do an extraordinary amount of tap dancing when I'm here due to not knowing what goes on around me a lot of times.

Earlier on in the relationship with my T, she said that she could just feel the anger inside me but it was extremely controlled. I didn't even know it because my emotion is fear. T had apparently been told that the way to survive was to shut up. As I've gotten to know my T more, we've been able to work on more that has to do with parts, but for me it took several years to get to that point and even now she has to piece together things and often gets information in nontraditional ways. Please try to be patient with yourself(ves). There are very good reasons why the brain does what it does to keep the body safe. Although T was apparently talking to other parts from the beginning, my awareness of what was going on was so limited that I didn't even know.

How wonderful that your husband understands and is such a support! It sounds like he really cares what goes on for you. I hope that you will be able to lean on him as needed to get the support you need.

As you feel more and more safe with T, things will progress as it needs to. I find here that it's often 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Sometimes it seems like a minor thing sends my brain back in time to where silence and hiding is the only thing to do to keep safe. It takes time to realize we are adults now and safe sometimes.

We're glad you're here. Don't ever feel like you'll say something dumb. Even if not everyone understands completely where you're coming from, many of us are in similar situations of confusion and desire to heal. Hope to hear from you again.

Misery, I just wanted to make sure that what I wrote here wasn't misunderstood. This was written rather clumsily. I want to make sure that it is understood that this wasn't a statement. It was a question if this was how you feel. Do you feel that it would be better if you could just keep a lid on the whole system?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{miserycirz}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

yes, bead hears.........

bead lissens.........

bead cares..........

and please never think you is stupid for posting how yur feeling......you have a right to your feelings, even the ones you dont like.........
bead can relate to everything you wirted, especially about closing up and kinda shutting down when T or anyone gets too close to the tuff stuff ( bead calls it the s hit in the garbage can) is very hard.......especially to trust anyone including T.........bead hopes you can learn to at least trust one person like T sounds like your T really does want to help

anyway, bead here for you and walk the path with you if you like
feel free to pm any time if you need someone to talk to

beads

Wanttoheal, this part that you wrote ( sorry not sure how to quote properly)

As you feel more and more safe with T, things will progress as it needs to. I find here that it's often 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Sometimes it seems like a minor thing sends my brain back in time to where silence and hiding is the only thing to do to keep safe. It takes time to realize we are adults now and safe sometimes.

We're glad you're here. Don't ever feel like you'll say something dumb. Even if not everyone understands completely where you're coming from, many of us are in similar situations of confusion and desire to heal. Hope to hear from you again.)) /anyway that was so good for me to know that as I make progressive steps forward that I will make some steps maybe a couple back but yes I am SAFE now Also that I am safe here with all of you and that means awweee so much to me that I can't even tell you that actually choked up a part of me that I am NOT accustomed to lol..Thanks for taking the time to write

Sannah,
No, no you didn't write anything out of context or misinterpret or do ANYTHING wrong at all no no no....You nailed it completley spot on!! REALLY!! I totally feel like what's mine is mine and if I let anything out even the slightest thing it jeporadizes the whole innerselves the whole beings of us? Does that make sense? Or the opposite rings true for the "me" that is more real for the here and now is that if I do start to talk about things then my dx will ring true and the selves will be heard and the "me" will be forced to acknowledge what's been here all along that other's see that I dont' see does that make sense? That scares the hell out of me!! Having to really accept what, who I really we really may be!!! It's bad enough to lose time and to see things accomplished that I dont recall and usually those things are things that I wouldn't be part of wanting to do anyway like coloring with my 7 year old or braiding my 10 year olds hair or playing some stupid game with my 14year old boy! But I will stop getting off point sorry...I have just been so cooped up with all this crap it's like there is so much that needs to be said and so many that want to be heard I am actually scared aye...Thank you all...It means soo much it really does...

beadlady,
your a gem....thank you for listening thank your for your walking with me and thankyou for writing back...I think I will definetely keep you all with me on this journey..I started to walk down this path in 2007 and shut down when I came out of the hospital in may 2008 and cemented off the system to the best of my abilities and I have kept noise pollution (sorry not to offend AnYONE) that's just how I have to deal wih it mentally to survive right now to a cemented minium and tried not to think about it talk about it express it etc..I have talked about some things with T then I will shut down and bring more cement in and you get the picture..So long and short I will write more as I have so much that I would like to say and ask but this is so LONG already so sorry about that hugz
Misery

(((((criz)))))

Thanks ((((((pacyderm))))))
I just don't know..Not even words..Not even one feeling...Just one word HELP???? Uggg sigh silent tears inside from us all
misery

So Misery, is this "lid plan" the one that you want to continue to follow?

No,
BUT as always's I e-mailed the T yesterday a page from my journal to explain things happening right now!!! Then she responds and it's so freaking surface...I feel stupid and dumb for expressing myself and vulnerable..I don't like it at ALL. Now I feel why, WHY did I even share one thing with her? When all is said and done it's a job to her and it's my/our life to us!!! It makes me so angry inside..That's how I feel atm...
Miserycriz

Misery, can you talk to your T about this?

Well I just wrote to her and I will see her for an appointment this weekend. So that will be a start...I just am not sure...It's been a little over a year that I have been with her but I have yet to open up to her about really anything at all. Inside my head is just screaming eveyone is yelling what they want me to say there feelings thought's emotions pain etc and I just shut down and go numb...I trust no one to be that vulnerable..What's more is I don't know what lies behind that pain!!! I am not doing well today..Thank you for helping me though I do appreciate it I do..Just not good now...
Miserycriz

dear mc,

i think what is going on is that you have parts with lots of pain and anger who want to be heard and not ignored and maybe they scare you. maybe you think you will be really rejected if you let them loose to talk about their life and feelings. - i'm just guessing because it was that way with me and the longer i held them back the more upset they got with me because they wanted me to let them have their voice and tell their story. i still wish someone would just sit there and listen to all of them and all the feelings and rage and pain inside so we could let it all out and figure out how to get beyond it before we explode into millions of pieces. and we are not sure anyone ever will pay any attention like that.

although to be fair, my T does listen and she's the one who had to keep urging me to stop holding back and to let them out to be heard. i'm 3 weeks past my last T visit due to the holidays and i am about to explode, crash and burn. argh!!!!

sorry, this was supposed to be about you, not me/us. =(

leslie and pixies

Please don't feel that this post was just about me if you could let some feeling out too !!! I so appeciate the fact that you could help me to not feel alone!! Thank you....I do feel that your right on the button with how we feel inside with anger the feeling that "me" the strongest front person will feel this vulnerability of rejection humility allowing "other's" to allow the deepest painful secerets to come out that not even I am aware of...The just being heard part is a huge thing...It's a huge step and I know they need to be heard I know it's a part of healing I just don't know what that part of being heard is goning to reveal and as I said and thank you Sannah for the hugz that scares not only "me" but others too a great deal...

It's a mess inside right now..Today so major lapses into a place that I have protected us for quite sometime now and I failed us today...I couldn't keep us the pain and stress had to be relieved and even I couldn't stop what needed to happen As strong as the "me" is I am only capabale as the "me" can be and with so much going on inside and outside the body it's a wonder I can manage at times...However I am trying to just think for once what an incredible gift that I have..The ability to have a poweful mind to survived even the things that I have been protected from that were so severe that my mind saved us all to be here today that is truly amazing...The fact that I thought all people lived this way with all this commotion and thought process and people staring out there eye's in there heads on a daily basis was normal dosen't change that it is normal form me and dosen't make me ill it makes me unique...That I am going to keep as part of me to make it a better way to cope..It wont take away the pain but maybe that will better enable me to deal with the flashbacks and the pain of the memorys that are trying to flood the mind and body huh? Thanks for all of you who are just being here I know I am not really together but kinda here and there but it's been truly helping me to know that your listening...
MC