Surviving Ick

Me too did not want to survive but hardwired to survive. Lots of times angry at self for not dying for not letting them kill me as threatened. Wish would have died to save those hurt killed to save myself? To save me i let things happen??! NO!! i not worth it! i understand would rather have died than live this. Threatened harm to loved ones if i no do this and showed me harm to loved ones proved it. Not just threat to sell me or kill me, threat to hurt others. But hurt innocents anyway. ICK!!

Then, maybe i matter somehow...people i've helped...ever enough? i dunno, don't think ever enough. i doomed. We don't believe that but yes we do.

Talk normal! dis ya k nuf

MeSo, you are enough, just as you are. You are not responsible for anything that was done to you or anyone else - NOT ONCE AND NOT EVEN A TINY BIT!
That is an old tape that needs to get erased. I can see that you know this in your head, but this is true for a lot of us, probably all of us, but getting our hearts there, yes, that's so much harder. Yet that is where we get stuck in despair. Maybe you are not stuck there all the time, I hope you aren't, but you also honour us by sharing the darkness. But I see you reaching for light and hopefully, you will see all those who support you reaching out to give you a hand up out of the darkness. I am offering my hand. I've been where you are.

Meso,
I agree with Miri, it's not your fault a tiny bit! I feel the way you did for awhile. I am so sorry that all of that happened to you and try to start a new tape in your beautiful head, that it was "them who caused YOU pain" and I believe that ppl who CHOOSE to do bad things to GOOD People like Meso! How dare them blame you, Isn't it time to put that blame on THE ONE'S Who Caused you Harm? Get Mad at them, write them a letter and give it to your T. Yes, it is hard to put the Blame on THe One's who Hurt; Meso, it is time to start the process, I know it will become easier and easier. the more and more you get the negative "thoughts out of your head". Gotta start somewhere, right?
Here's some hugs if you want them, there over here
you are having a tough time, ThaCrew has you on our
mind . Later, alligator

Thank you Miri...

but what if i did icky things to others? i know made to but what if i somehow liked part of it? Icky Icky bad!!! i hope not i hope not. part unerstands all that cuz of what stuffs did but what if i really bad?

i have a friend who believes in karma, which is her right. i don't begrudge anyone their beliefs except for those who embrace e...
But does that mean i deserved what happened? She says she doesn't know, which to me means maybe i did.

i had a T who once said maybe we get to choose our next life. Maybe i chose this life. In some ways that's kind of nice cuz that would make me honorable to choose such a life to understand such grief. But that messes with my head too. Grandiose thoughts are not ok. i think they made me feel both worthless and special. SO confusing all of it.

A lot of my memories come in dreams. They're nightmares but, cuz i don't feel them, they're dreams? i question sometimes but also know i've been able to substantiate some things i didn't know but happened in dreams when i had outside sources (prove reprove prove reprove).

Current T says she doesn't deny r.a. happens and there's reason to believe it happened to me but not all i think happened did maybe. i understand some things were tricks and i understand i could make some mistakes but it feels so much like she doesn't BELIEVE me. i dunno whether to keep seeing her or not. i have SO many details in my dreams. One thing to have general idea, another to have details.

i wish i could tie my brother up and MAKE him tell me. (Don't worry i won't). i wish i could just know. i wish i knew what to do. i wish i could find the best specialist. i wish...

((((((((((((((MeSo)))))))))))))))

we has no good answer for any of your tuff questions tonite, but we does care,
we are lissening,
we are here for you and are concerned
sending peaceful thinks your way,

mary

i done icky things but i didnt know better. god will forgive me.. and i forgive me.. and thats peace for me.

i forgive you

guilt is normal, it means you are sorry. it means you have a good heart. always remember, god will always love you.

I care.

Edgar of TBC

ooo you're so nice to me ty means a lot tho not sure i deserve it...i feel both things at once...my fault/not my fault

Thanks everyone for your kind support during my dissociative stuff there. i was aware my writing had changed but was also compelled to write what was in my head if that makes sense. i felt slow and it took a lot of time and effort to get it out because letters came haltingly.

i feel the need to clarify (due to shame and fear of harsh judgment) that my question regarding 'what if part of me liked' some things sometimes was (in my mind's eye here) about the possibility of a part that embraced his role. i don't know if he exists/existed or not...this is just what comes to mind atm. But i kind of "see" him. In some ways this disgusts me and in others it makes me angry. i struggle, too, with whether i created such a part (i can see how that could happen given my sadist father and brother) or it was created for me through programming. Doubter sees the skeptics at that remark (man, okaaaay).

My mind is going OFF with questions, thoughts, remembered dreams and past realizations...none of which necessarily fit with this post. This has me feeling overwhelmed with where to post what, if to post at all, and all the self critical judgments that go along with EVERYTHING.

OK, enough. THANK YOU kind hearts. i hope i haven't turned any of you away with any of possible me.

he has freckles...just cuz i think that doesn't mean he's real

i have a group that sit and stand in shadow...some are on a semi-circle couch. i see them from behind. There is one who is the holder of The Truth and, even though she's young, she's the Wise One. The others defer to her. There's a 17 year old caretaker who takes care of some but not all the others, there's a streetwise tough girl, there's a party girl. There's Jackie who is the worker who is able to do a lot and think big ideas, a creative writer that struggles with censoring herself to the point of not being able to write, Doubter (who's name may actually be Stuart but because, once i think of Doubter i doubt everything i really don't know), a little one who feels 8 but talks littler and says "littler but i big" so maybe she's younger than 8 but wants to be 8?...another one who may be 13 but who's name i don't know told me of Stacy, who IS 8 and who talks with some words missing. i believe there are others.

i need thoughts/comments on this. The only ones who have pretty much taken over my awareness of any other part of me at times are Jackie and the the one who went to college who may or may not be the creative writer...i kinda think so because of all the papers i had to write and i always got an "A". That me was very good at school but also wanted to be perfect at it and was crazy about the gpa. My mind just went blank...i was gonna say something else.

Oh yeah...i'm not allowed to think good thoughts about myself for getting A grades and writing well and stuff. i've tested in the genius range but i get all kinds of conflicting feelings about that. One is yay, i'm smart/have something good and another is boo, who the h*** do you think YOU are??? It's really funny sad cuz i was invited to go to a gifted school when i was in elementary school but my dad wouldn't let me go cuz he wanted me to have a normal life. HA! HA! HA! Also i'm pretty sure my mom lied about a neuropsych eval i had done when i had just turned 5 cuz she said i was a genius and the reason i lost touch with reality and shook my head several times a day was because my bangs were in my eyes (and later when i was 14 or so and went blind twice said i just needed glasses). Really the stuff when i was 5...i think that was after i was orally raped and got sick with acute pharyngitis and a 105 degree fever. i can't prove that happened but had a very clear memory and confronted on it. My brother was starting something and my father walked in and, instead of rescuing me took over--very violent. Ick! Sorry! i'm rambling. Feel different this paragraph. Man, stuck up!! (nuh-uh)

i leave things and write things coming to mind cuz lose stuff if i censor, k?

I have parts who have done things I am disgusted I would do of free will and they seemed to enjoy it, too.

But he sometimes tells me how badly he feels for doing those yucky things.

Maybe "liking it" is just a form of protecting himself from disgust.

This is likely the case for many people, and alters alike..

take care, ~Edgar of TBC

Yeah...i just don't know. i'm not sure if it's true or if it's a fear. Sometimes, though, i've found that the reason i have such fear is because it's true and i don't like it. Like, probably my biggest fear is that the r.a. was s.r.a....and i FEAR that because i fear it and anything related to the s. part SO strongly. Even a single number (instead of three)...it all just makes my skin crawl. ZIPS MOUTH!

beads

HA! Wrote out a bunch of stuff then thought WHY? WHY write that...i know it, no need for you to know it. Ugly ugly and not ok. No it is not!

Wish there was a place to talk about r.a. Can't do it to you! Wish i could find someone else who was there with me and who recognizes my words, acts, scenes, nightmares.

Think i'm gonna end therapy...too tired to try (AGAIN) to find right therapist who gets it. Then what?

Wish i could go to hospital and right specialist but can't even if i could find them. Hubby has a new job and no leave, m-i-l sick, daughter needs supervision. My head is either noisy busy or silent blah. Happy? HA!

So tired of this dance.

and oh, poor you! Cry me a river! SHEESH

We hacve so much in common i almost could have written this ....
The karma thing ... yeah lots believe we come back and choose this ... find that really hard to conceive of. The only thing that counts is what YOU believe about yourself. i know you are confused ... who wouldn't be, but everyone who is saying that is your kind heart NOW that counts, I think is very right. I don't know exactly what happened to you, but there's all kinds of explanations for what you felt when being forced to doing something and even saying that you think you might have enjoyed it, or bit of it. I can't tell you that i had that experience, but something inside me feels like I totally understand it, so maybe i did experience that. There's also a part of me that knows it isn't truly "enjoyment" even if that's what it wants to call itself. I can't articulate beyond this, but I trust somehow that there is too much we don't understand about our brains and much that we do not have control over. And what happened to you - it isn't you, it isn't your fabric and those ugly threads of abuse can be pulled out of the weave.
The dreams ... yeah, that's how a lot of my stuff has showed up, too. Hate the nights.

It occurs to me today that the above might be misconstrued as being directed toward someone else when, in fact, it was directed toward myself. i just want to be clear about that.

{{{{{{{{{{{MeSo}}}}}}}}}}}}}

hey MeSo.............beads just wanting to tell you we is here and we is lissening..........we also survivor of ra and sa so we prolly can relate to a lot of what you has experienced........just want to let you know that you can pm beads anytime you needs to vent this kind of stuff in a safe place..........

beads here for you and thinking of you,

mary

oooooo don't think i could do that to friend beads who struggles but thank you thank you. i'm not sure i knew you're a survivor of ra. sa as in sra or sa as in sexual abuse? Horrible horrible you went through that. Makes me so sad sick.

T confuses me that maybe some of what i know i picked up on from the universe. i think that's not right thing to say to me. She doesn't know the details. She doesn't know me. She just plunges in no regard for my fears. She says smart things but also makes me worry so much. When i don't know what's real even tho i do, how can she say maybe it's not?? ARGH!! i don't know why that came up right now while talking to you, sorry.

i don't know what to do about her. i'm going to my appointment tomorrow but it's like every time i doubt but go then doubt more but go. Not sure it's good for me to see someone who says those things and thinks everyone has parts. i don't disagree but wrong thing to say to someone who doesn't know where she fits. i feels discounted. (How can i talk funny and still use big words??) What is WRONG with me? Why does she confuse me even more? i want someone who knows where i fit. i think i question all the time cuz no one's gotten it right yet and told me why it's right. WE know. Some in me know and some just don't. ARGH!!

Sorry friend beads. Thank you too.

bead hugs freind MeSo..........

errrrrr both sa and sra...........sorry for the confusion?

beads

No need for sorry...just wanted to make sure i got it right. I'M so sorry you went through that! So horrible

awwwwwwwwwwwww MeSo................thanks for giveing a S hit!!
not tryign to be sarcastic or offensive here..........how to say waht we mean where it comes our rite........hmmmmmmmmmmmm
just hows about it nice to know that you care that others who been trhu anything remotely like this cares...........no one IRL seems to! with the exception of T that is........ hope taht sounds gooder..........sorry beads not in very good place in head rite now

hugs iffn ya still wants em

beads

(((((((((((((((beads)))))))))))))))) you say things just fine and i do care and understand. i struggle with being believed too--big issue for me.

i hope your head space gets better for you but you're coming across just fine.

im sorry u r havin problems with ur T...cn u talk ta T an let T know u r confusd by whats said?..i know we hafta do that at times when the connection is loose in our head or we pick up on somethin subtle from T an then dont ask them if they meant this or that...maybe makin a list of things that r confusin u will help u talk ta ur T bettr the next time u meet up...

abbi of jewels

Thanks Jewels! i think i might just read this thread (minus everyone elses posts--just gonna read mine i promise) and see what her feedback is. i think we want to know how she handles it and go from there.

Hope you can get some sleep. Been there lots.

(((((((((((MeSo)))))))))))

have you seen T yet? if so hjow did it go?

thinking of you,

peace and hugs,
mary