What the hell am I doing?

thanks jenkins. actually, he told me, and i do believe this, that he has never been with a married woman before and he isn't exactly proud of it. he did cheat on wife twice befpre hooking up with this girl, 16 years younger, that supposedly ended the relationship over the issue of children, but i suspect there was a lot more to it than that. if he really loved her, he would've given her a child. if she really loved him, she would have embraced his daughter and grandchildren as her own, at least that is what i would have done. so there is a lot more to the story. if she didn't live in another state, i would love to hear her side. i think it would be eye opening for me. you only ever hear one side of the story, and you can never know what really went on unless you hear both. not that it matters in this case. he constantly reminds me this isn't a love relationship, and i'm glad it isn't. i don't think i love him, i think i am obsessed for reasons stated in the previous post. maybe this is the wrong forum. i don't think i have ocd, or that im bipolar. tho my father didn't drink, i think it's more of an adult children of alcoholics issue.
i don't know, i just know that when i can transfer to another store, or find another job, it will be the end. i doubt if he will make the effort to maintain this, and i am nobody's booty call.
so, it's true he has no morals, but then again since i am also a cheater, i guess i don't either, which bothers me a lot. i would be surprised if he had anyone else, only because he meets most of his women at work, he has a rep for coming in drunk, and there are rumors that we are together, but i also know it's just a matter of time. i want to end this before then. as i said in a previous post, i am hoping that soon something full time will be available at another store near me, and dear god i hope it's not third shift because maybe then i regain some of the friends i have lost due to my never being available to do anything with them.
once i no longer work with him, i get can through the hurt, and i will be hurt because i do have feelings for him, no matter how wrong or misguided they may be.
that is my game plan. that and hopefully a therapist i can afford. thank god my husband isn't well, i know that sounds awful, but if he were healthy i may have made a huge mistake and actually left him for this idiot, which i realize would be the biggest mistake i could ever make.
i have contacted the county health center to see if there are any shrinks that would take me just for the copay, or less, but i have gotten no response as of yet.
i have a hard time accepting the fact that i fall for dirtbags in the hopes of redeeming my father, but i guess it happens to a lot of people.
thanks for your posts, and everyone else's. it has opened my eyes to things i was blind to. you are all a huge help.

well, sat has come and gone and i noticed that i wasn't as happy to be there as i usually am. about half way through the night, i was bored, not happy with how much he was drinking, and thinking about the posts i have read here, especially the last few. jenkins you are so right and it's funny that i realized how true your last post was while i was there.
so..we'll see where it goes now. i know that i was glad when it finally time for me to leave, and that has never happened befor

well, i have decided that it is useless to continue this relation ship. i am obviously in love with this guy, who constantly reminds me that he doesn't love me.
the other day, after a really really bad night at work, he made a comment that hurt my feelings. i started to cry, which is so unlike me...i don't cry in front of people unless something is desperately wrong. it was a bad night at work, i am being singled out, probably because of this affair, and i left an apology voice mail, but reality has set in. i am obviously in love with a drunk who does not reciprocate my feelings. i need to leave this job and thereby eliminate any contact with him.
i am so upset that i need this job so desperately i actually had a panic attack because one of the supervisors singled me out for a particularly crappy job. then he said something that really hurt my feelings and i started to cry, pushed him away when he tried to comfort me.
i am so tired of being in love, and yes i admit that, with someone who does not recirprocate my feelings. my husband is at his wits end over my depression and stress at this job, apparently i complain to him all the time. he thinks i am falling apart and he may be right, though he does not know the entire story.
i contacted the social service agency to see if they could find me a therapist at little or no cost.
i feel as though i am evaporating, with little or nothing left of the real me. i am so stressed, i actually had a panic attack at work, despite the xanax, then when he made a harmless comment, i burst into tears, which is so unlike me.
he doesn't know how i feel, i am afraid to tell him, i feel he will cut if off if he knows. i have resolved to tell him everything after work tonight, and whatever happens, happens. i am sure he will end it...he doesn't love me, he has said so in the past...it would be the best thing that could happen, despite the emotional pain i will feel. now, i just need to find another job, to remove myself completely from the situation.
dear god, what have i done to myself, my husband, my marriage, my life?

Hester...What you're describing here, finally admitting you are "in love" with the man, is like a repeat script of the situation that brought me here several years ago. I guess it was about 6 years ago...quite a long time, and I've been a member here on PC ever since. Sometimes I am actually able to be helpful to others after having recovered.

Reading your words really sounded so familiar. Rather than recounting all of it here, I'll pm you.
Patty

Hang in there HP....you will make it.

So if her fwb is her happy drug? Does that mean quit cold turkey? I've had an emotional affair on my notsoDH. I don't want to tell him, he already knows the marriage is in trouble. What I am doing is trying my best for as long as I can stand it to fix what is going on. Talking to my DH about our issues, trying to go out both by ourselves and with other couple friends on activities, trying to bring back what I felt for him. I've left it up to him to get therapy for both of us. Part of my issue is it doesn't feel like he's trying even if he says he doesn't want us to separate.
Even if you can't do therapy there are some good books out there. I'm trying to get him to read a chapter while I'm out of town for work, then I read it and then we talk about it. (so far he hasn't and I'm 3 chapters in.)
Good luck, and remember... Life goes on and every day you have a chance to make a change for the better.

thanks. i do try to remember that. i guess he is my happy drug, and like most addictions, they soon turn from fun to desperation for the next fix, and nothing but misery and unhappiness. i hope to avoid that.

I am so very sorry. all that trust and years smashed by your spouse.

hersterpayne,

First I'm not going to judge you at all for having your affair, it isn't my place to judge you at all, as it is not for others to do either.

I'd also suggest in a most friendly way, that those who have been cheated on not put the responsibility for their partner cheating onto you.

I was cheated on by my husband so I know what it's like but I'm not responsible for him cheating and neither are you, it was a decision he made on his own.

I think the most important thing here is not to leave your husband because you feel "unsatisfied" you do have a relationship and there is love there even if it is platonic. I really do think that you would miss your husband terribly if you were to leave him and I don't know that he deserves the pain of loss when he thinks you have just settled into a darby & joan existence together.

Friends can evoke different reactions and responses in us than our spouses can. We are more inclined to react favourably to friends than our spopuse. So I would honestly say think about it before you do something which may hurt you more than help you,

Rhiannon

I have to say that thanks to the insightful posts here, i have begun to see how foolish i have been. and i'm taking steps to correct it. boy, it sure isn't easy!!

Whatever you choose to do hesterpayne there is support here to help you. No judgement, just support if you need it for what ever you choose...

Rhiannon

Please, end it with your husband, you are emotionally abusing him. If you love him as a friend, or even as a husband, why do that to him? Apperantlly, you need help. I am here to support you but you REALLY NEED TO LET HIM GO. Even if you do stop with this FWB, you will probably do it again.
Your dragging your husband along, and hurting him more each day with what you are doing. Forget about your happy place, and do whats right. We all have a happy place, but sometimes we have to just let it go and move on to better areselfs ( Like with drugs). We cannot be happy every second of the day. And you will find that happy place again, but if it means hurting someone that you care for so much, is it worth it? Dont think about just yourself, but think about others around you too.

Please, get help, and tell your husband what you have done, if you want to stay with him try working it out, if not, let him go. He deserves better (No offence) than to get cheated on dont cha think? Nobody deserves to be hurt, or in pain, you dont even deserve to be in this situation you are in, but sometimes we end up in a sticky situation where we dont know what to do.
Not only are you hurting your husband with what your doing, but you are also hurting yourself as you can also see. Sorry if this might have came off a bit harsh, didnt mean for it to sound that way.

Keep us posted and let us know how it goes

yesterday i ended things with my fwb. i am sure that he will, eventually, try to reinstate them. i hope i can resist it when it happens.
i have to thank all of you for your insight, especially seeker, who helped me see this for what it really is.
i am, of course, very depressed over how this has all played out, and hope that i don't miss his company so much i go back.
why i allow people to play me is beyond me, but thanks again everyone

((((((((hesterprynne))))))))

hi listen,you don t need to get therapy,u need to take a decision ,i think ur relation with ur friend is nothing u will leave him.

Well you gotta leave one or the other, I hope you leave your husband, I'm sure you know this already this you're using him for financial support....

I think you need to take time off to love yourself.
It really really seems like you don't.

actually, i am the breadwinner, and have been for the last 16 years, so, no, i am not using him for financial support. i support him, and have been for years. how did you come to that conclusion?
but you are right...i do need to find time to love myself...i haven't for a long time