What the hell am I doing?

I sat one night at a speech at AA, when a woman said, "I've had a lot of good sex with alcoholics." I was there at the time with my alcoholic male friend, with whom I was having the best sex of my life. Lots of time has passed, and I've just posted here in the Relationships threads about learning that he died. I got away from him. I'm going to venture forward and make the judgment that I feel you have no future with this man if he is an active alcoholic. It could be that you just need to be alone, and let go of this libido propulsion. There are worse things than abstinence.

i know for a fact there is no future with this man. i don't know why i care, or even why i let myself get this involved, let alone why i responded to his chase. i've been come on to before, but never, ever, did anything about it. til this.

As BB King sings.....The thrill is gone...............your fwb is no longer exciting. Here's an old saying.... "the thrill of the persuit is better than the catch."

you are so right about that

HP,

Do you have a history of alcoholics in your life? I believe that you said you are using the affair as an escape from reality. What are you going to do after this affair runs its course? Do you think you will seek out another man?

You said you feel sorry for your husband and his current condition, and that is why you stay with him. Is this the truth or is it because he is a "safety net" if this affair doesn't work out. I know you mentioned finances, but others have made it on less.

Have you shared with your husband how you feel? have you given him the chance to meet your needs, provided they are realistic? My thing is this. If you have, and he hasn't changed then why live a lie? is getting a roommate a possibility?

If you could wake up tomorrow and have the life you wanted, what would it look like?

i guess in a way i'm hedging my bets by not leaving. i also don't have it in me to leave him with his chronic illness. it's unlikely he would find someone else.
he had a drinking problem when i married him(on the rebound, i now realize). i never asked him to stop, i just told him if he was going to be out 5 or 6 nights a week at the bars, i wanted a divorce. about 2 years later, he quit, then found out he had arthritis of the spine.
it doesn't bother me that fwb drinks, because it rarely affects my life.we only work together if he makes plans with me for an intimate evening, and then forgets about it because of the alchohol, that upsets me. his libido is no where near mine, tho he is a year younger but he does have ED which is a challenge to me.i honestly believe that due to the alchohol his medication does not work the way it should. he will not see a urologist. it isn't the money, he is not wealthy, but comfortable, owns his house outright. i understand if he isn't in the mood, i don't complain about it, try to do my best, but to be forgotten infuriates me. we only work together 3 days a week. sometimes we see other all 3 days, sometimes just once a week. we don't talk on the phone, or see each other on days off, unless i call in sick and spend the night there, and that happens about once every two months

if i could change my life the way i wanted it to be, i would be either single or separated for 6 months, with a job was during the day, with at least weekend nights off. i feel this would give me the opportunity to find a decent, funny, intelligent, well read, articulate man as a boyfriend. i do not want to marry again. i don't want to live with anyone again, but i would like a steady, mutually excusive relationship with someone i can relate to, and enjoy being with.
to tell my spouse the truth would emotionally eviscerate him, i don't think i can do that.
and no, when this is over, especially if i am stuck working when and where i am, i doubt if i would do this again.
i am overwhelmed with guilt, and half in love with this fwb, who, in reality does not deserve the love and affection i have to offer.
i'm between a rock and a chemically hard place. i don't know what to do. i know i feel as though i am disintegrating and the only time i feel like i used to is with the fwb. and his moods and control tactics are getting old.
all the comments i've recieved i have thought about extensively. everyone is partially right. i just don't know what to do. i can't just find another job and distance myself, there aren't any here. i had to take third shift as it was the only full time work i could find. that in itself is destroying my life. i am very lonely and bored most of the time. my friends are long gone, i am never available when they want to do anything.
do..here i am, enjoying myself occasionally, physically less than that, yet constantly thinkin about someone other than my husband. and it makes me more depressed.
thank you for your comments and concerns. i hope i find a solution soon for it is driving me to the point of obsession.

Hester, you said, "If i could change my life the way i wanted it to be, i would be either single or separated for 6 months, with a job was during the day, with at least weekend nights off. i feel this would give me the opportunity to find a decent, funny, intelligent, well read, articulate man as a boyfriend. i do not want to marry again. i don't want to live with anyone again, but i would like a steady, mutually excusive relationship with someone i can relate to, and enjoy being with.
to tell my spouse the truth would emotionally eviscerate him, i don't think i can do that."

What you describe, the "decent, funny, intelligent, well read, articulate man as a boyfriend" is the fantasy of the over-50 single woman. Add to that a "mutually exclusive relationship with someone I can relate to, and enjoy being with." I don't mean to sound negative, but you will be looking a very long time, with lots of disappointments...like a needle in the haystack, to find such a relationship. I divorced my husband at age 47, so happy to be free after 20 unfulfilling years. Initially I wasn't interested in finding a partner at all, but eventually I began dating. And, let me tell ya, finding a man in the over-50 category is a real jungle. You encounter many problems with potential partners, including the divorced or widowed ones who have grown children. You wouldn't think this could be much of a problem, but it can be, big time. Then, you could meet the losers who are looking for a means of support...you! Or the man who just wants you for sex...not emotionally satisfying, and definitely humiliating.

While you may be one of the few who would find the soul mate happiness, I'm skeptical because of experience. Sorry if I offend you with my observations, but I'm thinking you may need to step back and do a personal assessment of your priorities. Even if you take the step of leaving your husband, you may find yourself in situations that are even more unfulfilling.
Patty

so true, seeker. one of the reasons why i don't plan on leaving him. i look at this fwb and think to myself, he probably has the least amount of baggage of most men i know his age. as far as anyone wanting me for support...haha the jokes on them. since being downsized and having to take my present job, i have no money, no savings left, and the house is in jeapardy. someone like that wouldn't hang around for long.
i do believe this has morphed from an fwb situation into a situation where he only wants to see me when his almost non existant libido kicks in. at least the last week or so has been that way. if this continues, i will start turning down invites to his house. i have sunk pretty low to even start this, but that is a place i won't go. maybe he has something on his mind, i don't know. his behavior in the last few weeks has been very different.

I'm concerned for your safety.

The behavior of your fwb has changed and it sounds like your intuition is telling you something is wrong. I hope you pay attention to your gut instincts.

I hope when you do have sex with him that you are using safer sex, protecting yourself.

I hope when things don't feel safe that you stop and think and that you are willing to say No rather than just drift along.

Anyone's use of alcohol in all this can increase potential problems.

As for your husband, are you his only caregiver? If so you can research what other help is available to disabled folks in your area. Is it possible that you are burnt out as a caregiver?

Is there any type of crisis line and referral available to you?

12 step meetings are free, you could try various ones out in your area. Even if you aren't sure that you completely fit the definition of sex addiction or codependent or family of alcoholics etc...........if the meeting is open, you can participate.

Online counseling is available too, I think somewhere on this site there will be links to some ideas there.

Can you come up with a healthy hobby or interest and practice focusing on that?

I wish you well and hope you make it through this safely.

fwb is very gentle, i do not worry about any physical abuse. emotional maybe, he is a controller, but nothing else. everything tells me this is wrong, yet i obsess anyway. an escape from reality maybe?
yes, something is wrong. for a while it felt as though we were getting very very close, then this sudden change. maybe he is too involved? he would have no problem telling me it's over, i know because we have discussed it.
thanks for your concern. everyone here has been helpful. husband doesn't need a full time caregiver yet. he gets around, though he cannot do anything that involves a lot of walking, or sitting for a long period of time. he is till sexually active, though i have no interest in it with him.
i don't know, sometimes i feel like the real me has disapeared and been replaced by this stranger i hardly know.

The possibility of emotional abuse is a red flag too, I hope you pay attention to it. I really encourage you to listen to your gut instincts.

Is it possible that you are exhausted? Are you getting enough sleep, good food, exercise?

Are you possibly trying to run ahead of some difficult feelings? Are you trying to escape and deny something? You might be doing some things you don't really want to do as a coping mechanism.

Are there some good things in your life you can focus more on? Healthy interests?

i think you may be exactly right re escaping etc. i had thought of that.

i have a mantra i've been playing over and over in my head

he doesn't love you, he doesn't care
of this you must always be aware
stop your fantasies, step back and think
he cares less about you than his next drink
be strong and please don't bend
you know in your heart this has to end
he reminds you of another, take a look back
the ones you love never love you back

if i think it enough, i may start believing it...i hope it helps

is it possible this guy is a sociopath? he gets angry with me for no reason, doesn't seem to care if plans have been made, he gets drunks and forgets them. he has a history of a failed marriage, a failed 8 year relationship that supposedly ended because she wanted children and he did not. he told me he would get mad and tell her to go home and he would call her in a couple of days, or he would get mad if they were out, make sure she had a ride home then leave. he is still in contact with her, 10 years later, tho she is married with children. he had a two year relationship with a single woman at work, before she moved away. he told me when she got "too clingy" he wouldn't call her for a couple of months. i can't believe she came running back after that. she sent him an expensive birthday gift last year, tho she's been gone for a few years.
he lost a job he had for 27 years due to his drinking, lost out on a 1500$ month pension and health benefits because of it.
he seems obsessed with his ED, his size, and when drunk tells me i just don't realize he's a major disapointment.
why am i attracted to these losers? if he is a sociopath, i need to cut it off, now. we'll see how he acts tonight if he doesn't call in sick, which he does as often as he can without getting written up.
i need to get him out of my mind and my life.... he blows hot and cold. for weeks he will act very close to me, then out of the blue he will be cold and angry, for no reason i can think of.

Who knows if he is a Sociopath..but he definitely sounds like an alcoholic. The guy is using you for sex and companionship when he wants it. That is all it is.

Hester, hunny... You say, "if he is a sociopath, i need to cut it off, now." No...you need to cut it off, period! What you describe is a man who's very good at getting women addicted to him, and then controlling them! A counselor once described this to me (as I was involved with a similar) as I was completely absorbed and obsessed, waiting, waiting to hear from him, see him. The counselor said the intermittent contact, i.e., seeing him, hearing from him thru email or phone call, was much more addictive than the constant comfort of security, of knowing when and where. And he likened it to studies with animals, mice, for instance, who keep coming back for the intermittent reward...they're addicted! This man is so good at this, he's gotten you to behave in ways that make you question your sanity, your values, who you are! As you said, he has treated other women the same, and they still remain in contact (sending presents, ugh).
In you, he zeroed in on your vulnerabilities, because of the nature of your marriage, even your age. When you get some distance on this situation, completely away from him for a substantial period of time, you will be appalled.

Now...I'm going to tell you what you should do...Just stop it. You don't even need to give him an explanation. Talking and reasoning will just diminish your power and self worth. Because I suspect you are under his control (based upon what you've described here), you could have a very hard time letting go of this. If you can find counseling help, it would probably be a good step. And, oh, by the way, his ED is not your problem, it's his. You can't save him. Save yourself.

as usual, seeker, your advice is dead on. maybe i am being conditioned, like pavlov's dog.
i had a talk with him the other morning, and explained exactly how i felt about everything. since we work together, sometimes closely, 3 days a week, i feel this has to be ended on a friendly basis. as with most menial jobs, this place is a hotbed of gossip, innuendo, and backstabbing. mgt is petty, and pretty much listens to those who malign anyone is off that day. one person was so stressed over what was going on they totally lost their temper, and threatened to hit the person who was bullying them for months. they got fired. i react the other way. i just walk away. i dread going there in the first place, and i can't make this another issue, without this job, we will lose our home. i try to ignore the bad stuff...for example, i was accused of taking out the trash for every department, and sweeping the entire store to avoid having to work!! it's still work, and someone has to do it, but whatever. i go in with a smile, and try to have fun regardless of what's going on.
he has summed up my weaknesses and needs pretty acurately, i have to admit that.
i told him i believe he acts this way because he has been hurt in the past and it's his way of keeping himself emotionally safe, which he agreed with. not that i think that makes a difference, he will not change.
my game plan is to slowly just end this, so we can still work together without issues. now i know this will be very hard for me. besides the physical, which really doesn't happen that often, it is an escape for me, a fun place to just play some cribbage or scrabble, have a drink or two and laugh.
i have been looking for another job long before this started, with no luck, so i hope this can end on a semi friendly basis. i don't need more issues at a place i already detest having to go.
i am hoping that this winter, as the holiday season approaches, i may be able to transfer to another store nearby. the big problem is they no longer hire any full time people, except for overnight stocking, and at present there are no openings within commuting distance.
maybe i am fooling myself, but i do know this has to end, and your experiences that you have shared with someone similar have helped me to take another look at what is going on.
actually, all the comments here have helped me considerably. every post by everyone has pretty well summed things up. it is so much easier to help someone else than to help yourself.
and you sure are right about what's out there as far as men my age. much as i would like to be single for a while, i am not the type that would leave someone who needs me and loves me. of course, cheating wasn't the best choice either.
i do know, that considering where i work, when this ends, there will not be another affair. there is not one man there i am remotely interested in.
so...wish me luck on my plan, and please seeker, and everyone else, please keep your posts going. they have helped me take another, realistic look at what i am doing and why.

Hester, you are very gracious in your responses to me. I know I come across as too opinionated and even judgmental. After I posted this last message, I was thinking, Oh my gosh, I've been too forceful and offensive.

I can understand the tightrope you are walking with the work situation. I agree that employment in another location would be beneficial. I really hope you can manage to do this, for your own well-being, rather than trying to gradually manage to tactfully withdraw as a friend from this man, whom I feel is a user. Sorry, there I go again! But your recent post in which you described him..." he blows hot and cold. for weeks he will act very close to me, then out of the blue he will be cold and angry, for no reason i can think of." ....the whole message you wrote, actually, spoke volumes about his character (or lack of).

This kind of relationship is like a drug, and very hard to withdraw from...actually "withdrawal" is what you will probably feel.
The most healthy scenario for you would be to find yourself completely removed from his presence, i.e., another work situation. My thought is that you don't need to offer him kindness or friendship, though that may be how you feel toward him.

Well, I could go on and on here, but it would sound bossy. Forgive me for this, if you can. I just truly do know what you're going thru, and how hard it can be. Be strong, girl!
Patty

seeker
i have never considered your posts bossy or offensive, or judgemental, or anything else but helpful. i told him the other day that i thought he would act the way he does with any woman, because i know he's been hurt in the past, and he feels that is the way to avoid any more pain. he kind of looked down, and said that would be a good assesment, then looked me in eye and said you see right through me, don't you? at the time, i thought yes, i do and i know you are a user, but i didn't say anything.
still, i have decided that it must end, because it is truly becoming an obsession with me, and a very unhealthy one at that. i have to do this on a friendly basis, because the job situation here is not good. i know it won't be easy, i will be hurt, but i also know the emotional pain will pass.
i appreciate every comment you and the others have made. it's helped me enormously.
now, let's just see if i can really go through with my plan. it''s one thing when i'm here home alone, and quite another when i'm with him, because despite it all, i truly do like him and enjoy his company,.

well, here is another character assesment i can't believe. when his last girlfriend got too "clingy" he took her out to dinner, home to bed, then told her he wasn't going to see her for a few months.
how cold is that? i suppose he thought it was tactful..good god. i told him (we were at work, so i couldn't really say too much more) never do me that way. just tell me what you have to say and be done with it. i would feel even more used, and i would hate him for it.
there is no "goodbye sex" in my world.
i am seeing him sat nite, another nite when hub thinks i am working. i am going to tell him then. really, i'm kind of hoping he beats me to it and just ends it, it will be easier for me than to have to be the one to do it. if i do it, the chase will just begin again, since i am basically trapped at this job.
i think underneath it all, he's a decent person who has become drastically changed due to his alcoholism and insecurities. but i have neither the time, nor the emotional strength to deal with it anymore. i am tired of thinking about it, tired of waiting expectantly for the days we work together, tired of the lies, the guilt, tired of just about everything except the few hours of fun i have in the morning after work, and i'm not talking sex.
sex is weird with someone with ED. none of the usual signs are there, you can't tell if he's enjoying himself or not til he climaxes, and i'm tired of that too.

Hi hesterprynne,

I hope all goes ok on sat night... In reading your previous posts I am compelled to say that therapy is like peeling away the skin of an onion. After a while you begin to see yourself again. It can feel like ages... but (from experience) it is a priceless feeling.

i hope it goes well too. everyone here has helped me so much...you guys are my therapists!!
i've realized this is exactly like the relationship i had with the "love of my life", he wasn't a drinker, just a serial cheater. but it was the basically the same. i obsessed over his every word, expression, counted the days and the hours until i could see him again, thought about him every second of every day..
and we lived together for almost 4 years before i caught him in my bed with another woman, then found out he'd been cheating all along, with anyone who was willing.
now, i don't think this guy is cheating ,for lack of a better word, i don't think there is anyone else, but the rest is the same. emotionally unavailable, user, game player. intelligent, articulate, good looking to me anyway..twisted sense of humor. i wonder what is in me that attracts me so strongly to people like this? that is why i sometimes question my sanity.
lots of guys have come on to me in the years i've been unhappy in my marriage, but none that apparently fit my desired profile, which is why i never responded.
do i like being unhappy? or obsessed? or filled with either excitement or dread the next time i see him? am i that easily manipulated by a certain type?
something isn't right with me, that's for sure. and that is why i came to this site. i hope if you all keep posting, i will find the answer, because once i know why, i can stop it from happening again.
it is truly driving me crazy. normal people don't let others control them this way. and i don't blame him, i blame me.....

Really reflect on your childhood. Who do these men you choose remind you of? are they filling needs that you wanted from one or both of your parents? are they treating you the way one of your parents did? emotionally unavailable? Until you seek T for your issues you will continue to choose the same men. They will have different names and faces, but the behavior will be the same.

well, actually, i know the answer to that question. my father was the same. he hated me. first born, not a boy, much like him except i have no ability for math. he was a chemist. not a day went by when i wasn't reminded that i was ugly, stupid, and would probably be alone all my life. he used to say my friends were like ships passing in the night. he had no problem with my brother, and adored my little sister.
but, hey, that was decades ago. i didn't speak to him for 30 years. my mother remarried when i was 13 and my stepfather is exactly the opposite, always positive, always encouraging.
buy why should i look for someone who treats me badly? it makes no sense. to think that someone who fits this profile will suddenly jump up and decide they truly love me is idiotic. they are incapable of such feelings, whatever the reason. i have often wondered if the reason i am so bored with my spouse is that he truly loves me for what i am, but that makes no sense either. and i have wondered if either of these men had truly fallen in love with me would i have lost interest because of it? am i really that nuts?
i realize therapy is what i need, but if i know the answer, what can they provide? drugs? i was on antidepressants, i stopped taking them. i felt nothing. i do have xanax for when i get really stressed, but mostly i take it at work when things are going badly, and to help me sleep. now, i am a former hippie chick, and have been known to take a toke or two every now and then. but even in those years, i was never a druggie, or a drinker...just a little weed. cigarettes are my only addictive substance.
for all this guys faults, i am able to talk to him about anything and everything. maybe that was a mistake. he knows about my father issues, and my former love and on both occasions made the remark that i must remind him of both.
so, if know what causes me to fall for this type, and i continue to do so, at my age, what the hell does that say about my sanity?
and why is it i've only met two of them in my life? they are everywhere. there must be more, i just have to deal with the issue at hand first.

It has nothing to do with your sanity and its not a conscious decision that your making. We all do it. You gravitate to what is familiar, even if its unhealthy. You recreate your childhood in your adult relationships.

You find these men, hoping that this time it will be different. Its great at first because the relationship is new, fresh, and exciting. But soon the excitement is gone and you see this person for who they really are.

Read your first paragraph. You said your father (male) reminded you of how ugly, stupid and worthless you were. Why do you think you settle in these relationships. This man your having an affair with is a dirt bag. I'm sorry but he has no morals. He knows your married and doesnt care that he is sleeping with another mans wife.

That alone should scare the hell out of you. Even if you two were to start a relationship, what makes you think he wouldnt cheat on you once he tired of you? He would. You are settling for less than what you deserve, because you think you arent worthy of more.

Therapy isnt about drugs, thats a band-aid in my opinion. They work and thats great, but you need to really dig deep and deal with these issues and thats where T comes in. You can bounce ideas off them, share how you feel and they can help you to make sense of all of this. No matter your age, its never to late to change and live the life you want and deserve.

Once you begin to get "healthy" you will make better decisions and see the red flags when you meet men like this. That will help you to make better choices and choose someone who will love you for who you are, but you first must start by loving yourself.