What the hell am I doing?

Hester...I've just happened onto this thread. What Nucking said (she is so wise )...and describes me exactly. I'm in my late 50's, was married to a "nice" man for 20 years, during which time I was perpetually attracted to other men, never having actual sex, but most of the time I was married, I fantasized about my feelings for these others, one in particular. I even told my then husband about it. I really lived// looked forward, to each weekly time I got to see him as my painting teacher. After my divorce, I spent a lot of time with the same types of men as this bad boy painting teacher. I lost a lot of money, not to mention time in recovering emotionally, from my efforts to sustain those dead end relationships. I've abstained from dating at all now for over 5 years, and during that time, have done a lot of reading, soul-searching about my behaviors. I've realized that from early on, from adolescence, actually, my most intense attractions were a kind of addiction. A counselor even told me one time that my obsessions for these men were an addiction, as powerful as any drug.

I'm not suggesting this is the same with you, but I can definitely identify with your description of your situation.

I don't regret divorcing my husband. I didn't love him. He quickly remarried, and is happy, and I am happy for him. I guess what I'm thinking regarding your predicament, is to ask yourself if you love your husband, and want to make it work.

I am also mindful of the financial challenge, re/Bipolarbear's frank revelations. Yes, I'd be much more financially secure had I chosen to stay married. But, I've never regretted my choice, though I've often had financial challenges. In my case, morally, it was the right thing to do.

I want to hear how you continue to deal with this.

Patty

i guess my situation is somewhat similar. this is like a drug to me, i didn't realize it til i read that post. over the years, i have fantasized about being with other men that i knew, never told anyone or acted on it. i seem to have a "thing" for emotionally unavailable men. maybe that is my addiciton. the love of my life, who was a serial cheater, was similar in many respects to this fwb. my husband is anything but. maybe that is why i lost interest so long ago. i don't really want to divorce him, he isn't well, the chances of him finding someone else are not very good. if i thought he could find someone who would love him the way he deserves to be loved, i would leave him. i love him as a person and a friend, but not as a husband.
as far as finances go, i've never been supported by anyone. i've always paid my way. my husband was disabled 3 years after we were married, i have been the breadwinner since then...17 years ago. he can still do many things, he shops, keeps the yard up, cooks, does laundry, etc. my financial situation really wouldn't change that much if i were single. i would have a little extra money, but not enough to make a difference.
i don't want to be alone either. i don't mind living alone, but i need a man in my life. a boyfriend if you will. really, i am such a selfish, self serving person it sickens me when i think about it.
most likely, if i cannot find a therapist who will see me for little or no money, things will go on until this situation ends, or i find another job which will take the fwb out of the picture.
i don't know how i changed into this stranger than i've become, but it unnerves me when i think about it.

What you said..."i seem to have a "thing" for emotionally unavailable men." ...was true for me also. If you choose to go alone, you may find is not true...that you need to have a man in your life. You may find strength and affirmation in being alone, as I have...a time for assessment and personal reflection to discover the root of your behaviors and then, ultimately, your true inner strengths. It's not an easy journey, but, like you, I've always supported myself financially, so what you describe in your situation would not be a reason to go it alone.

Regardless of what you decide, you will find good feedback here on PC. Sometimes the advice is brutally honest, and not exactly what we want to hear. I came here a total mess several years ago. I've rec'd much help and made some good friends along the way.
Love
Patty

I know this is a stretch, but you don't happen to go to college or be affiliated with the military do you? I know colleges sometimes have free counseling services and the military as well has free counseling services. I would go ahead and try calling a few therapists in your area, sometimes they will accept a certain number of patients for a reduced fee. Call a few and ask if they have any kind of reduced fee program and tell them you are in a tough financial situation, you might get lucky. I hope you find the help you need.

Hey. It sounds like you still do not know what you are doing although I think you glossed over it. Using this situation to not deal with other issues you are not dealing with. I do not know what those are. You seem to allow events to happen in your life without taking a more proactive approach and making decisions on your own (i.e. Waiting to be replaced by someone new instead of deciding to end it). You are stronger than that. Maybe somewhere along the way you learned not to trust your decisions or that you only deserve bad men because nice ones are boring. I think you could do well to trust yourself. Keep posting.

thank you all for your insight. i appreciate it, even if it's not what i wanted to hear.
alexandria..i'm 57 years old, i wish i was in college!!!
nucking futz, you are also right in your assesment. patty, i need a man in my life, because i have the libido of a 30 year old, lol.
i am glad i found this site. you are all helping me with your posts. thank you.

It sounds like you are very uncomfortable the way you are living now. If I were in your situation, I would make a decision, one way or the other (stay with husband and be his wife or live on my own and only consider myself) and use the difficulty of sticking with my decision for my "excitement".

I would not feel sorry for a husband; if I did not love him, I would not stay with him as I could not be a wife to him. He has his life to live and if I was unwilling to be his wife, I would not hold him in a false world, where he thinks I am.

No one said it's easy but you have to decide what you want for your life; this endless discomfort or a chance at what you really want?

how can i not feel sorry for him when he has crippling arthritis? i don't believe he can find someone who will love him the way he deserves to be loved. that is the main reason i stay. yes, i am uncomfortable the way i am living, and with the things i am doing.
i am trying to decide. ts elliot said "there is no greater treason than to do the right thing for the wrong reason".
the right thing to do is stay and be faithful, but i would do it out of guilt. and that is the wrong reason.

Hi, Hester,
I wonder if you might not be experiencing some kind of manic high causing your sexual activity, as in bipolar swing? Have you ever been to counseling or had any kind of diagnosis? What you said...i'm 57 years old, i wish i was in college!!! and patty, i need a man in my life, because i have the libido of a 30 year old, lol....sounds almost irrational. Even if you were free and single, such an attitude would be kind of bizarre, even reckless.

I told you that sometimes on PC, you might hear things you'd rather not. What tamed the sexual beast within me was a series of embarrassing and humiliating experiences over 50, trying to create that "bond" with men who were really just using me. My conclusion became a mantra: There's nothing worse than an over-50 woman making a fool of herself. I'm not saying this to be hurtful to you. Even if you were single, I'd say it based upon your age and stage in life. But add to that the fact that you have a husband who is being deceived, and it becomes much more complicated and potentially disastrous.

Again, I apologize for my frankness, but I'm concerned.

Patty

no, i've never been diagnosed as bipolar. you are so right about an over 50 woman making a fool of herself. i sometimes wonder if i have.
but, to be frank, after many years of feeling nothing, my libido has returned with a vengence, lol.
i do have the feeling i am on the brink of a self created disaster, but for some reason, i cannot seem to stop. personally, i think i need therapy, but i simply cannot afford it.
thanks patty, your frankness is welcomed.

Ah, well, Hester...
I had 20 years of marriage of feeling nothing, so on that level I can understand. I knew the marriage was a mistake from the honeymoon onward. I tried to talk to my husband about the emotional connection, and his response was always..."I don't know what you're talking about!" And he really didn't . I was married to a brother type or friend without any emotional connection. When I would try to talk to him about divorce, he'd get mean and threaten to take our daughter away from me and throw me "out into the street with nothing." And I believed him, as he was pretty agressive about "his" property. I only left him when our daughter left for college. At that point, I didn't care if he kept everything, which he did pretty much. Anyway, coming out of that 20 emotionally barren years at 47, I was ready to meet "Mr. Right!" I made a lot of mistakes, which took a major toll emotionally and financially, allowing myself to be gullible. One of the things I heard repeatedly was, "We're not young any more and don't have all the time in the world"...re/sexual involvement. But, for me, at least, sexual involvement was emotional commitment as well.

Ask yourself, if you choose to abandon this affair in which you are involved, will you suffer any emotional repercussions? You have said you two don't love each other. But I wonder how you would handle this? My exp is that as we get older, these things take a much harder toll. If you don't love this man with whom you're having the affair, I see no reason to abstain from it. Sex alone seems a poor choice, considering your marriage.
Patty

i don't love him, but i am emotionally involved with him. i've never had sex for sex's sake. i've always had to have some sort of friendship first.
i will be sad when it's over. i have a lot of fun, and laugh a lot, which doesn't happen too often at home.
i really am very confused. my marriage as it is, is comfortable but boring. my husbands loves me very much. i love him as a friend, nothing more. i don't want to hurt him. i don't want to be with this fwb 24/7, but i would spend time with him every day if i could.
how i got here i couldn't tell you. how i'm going to resolve it is something else i don't know.
financially, we have lost everything but the house, so i can't be taken advantage of there. like you, the last thing i want is to be used. this affair has been going on for a year now, so i don't think he's using me, although i knew from the beginning it wasn't to be a permanent thing.
i really don't know what i'm doing.

These lines strike me. Particularly familiar to me actually.

Have you always hated yourself, or is this a recent thought that you've begun to have?

It sounds as though you are truly avoiding being alone. Alone where the thoughts, memories, and emotions will become unavoidable for you. This thought seems to bring up a lot of fear in you. You would rather deal with any other hell. Just NOT being alone.

Is this an accurate assumption?

well, kind of. i don't mind living alone, or being alone, i just don't want to be lonely. i have a fear of having no friends, no male companionship, no one to do things with, and not being available on the days when there are events i would like to attend going on.
working overnights, without the possibility of weekends off, has put a damper on all of that. most of friends from my previous job just don't call anymore as i can never do anything that i am invited to.
i got married at age 36, and except for a 4 year live in relationship that ended in disaster, i've always lived alone, so that is not an issue to me.
and yes, i've always had self esteem issues. i had an emotionally abusive father who never missed a chance to let me know how ugly, worthless, and stupid i was.
i think that's probably why i have a "thing" for emotionally unavailable men, like my fwb. my husband is exactly the opposite.

So Hester, Here's a thought. Do you live near a college or university? Most larger schools train their psych PhD and MS degree candidates by using the general public at much lower costs. You won't get a full amount of help but often the students have to train with their teachers in the room and they critique it later. I hope this helps you big time!!!!! bipoarbearV

thanks, that's a great idea. unfortunately, the nearest major university is about an hour and a half from me...this site and the poster's comments are actually helping me quite a bit.

How are you doing HP?

You should look for a therapist that works on a sliding scale. I have a $1,000 deductible too...I see a therapist for $30/sessions. She works on a sliding scale.

i may look into that. i'm doing ok. took the night off and spent it with my fwb. i got a feeling for no reason that this is over and he just can't find the words to say it. we just didn't laugh and have the fun we usually have. maybe it was just an off night, i don't know. he wasn't into anything physical, and i just gave up and rolled over and went to sleep til it was time for me to go.
could be a blessing in disguise, could be nothing, we all have our days.
still,it bothers me. i think i am obsessive, and confused. i don't know if i'm very depressed, or relieved, or sad, or what. had to take a xanax to quiet my thoughts.
and i have to work tonight, thankfully, he is off.
i don't think it's worth it if this is a sign of things to come. god, why did i ever start this? and why am i so paranoid about it ending?

should i call him on my way to work and wish him a happy fathers day and let him it's ok if things didn't go well yesterday, or just leave well enough alone?

HP-

What about your husband? do you guys have kids together? you seem more concerned with this other man than your current husband. There have to be places in your area that can help. In my area there are Terry Riley Health Clinics that will see people for 10.00 a session.

It is normal for individuals who have affairs to go through a grieving process when the affair is over. It would seem that the excitement of your affair is waning and maybe this other man has lost interest.

After reading your posts i can see that you are overwhelmed by your situation. Other people have suggested counselling for you and your husband. My personal opinion would be for you to get some individual counselling to deal with what you're going through. Once you figure out why you're doing this and come to terms with it things will look a little clearer. Maybe you FWB relationship is a relaxed and easy time and comes naturally, whereas with your husband everything seems like a struggle. I'm all for people working on their marriage in the hopes that it can be repaired and you can both move forward. I also believe that once you've checked out of your relationship emotionally it might not be possible to repair the damage.i do think if you still love your husband but are not in love with him he needs to know this. Be honest with your feelings for your husband because it will be impossible to patch things up with him if you're heart isn't in it. Not healthy for either of you. Try to imagine life without your FWB if he decides to leave the relationship, would that make you want to work on things with your husband. Sometimes too much has happened in the marriage for reconciliation to be possible. Work on your marriage because you can honestly say you love your husband and want to share your life with him. If you've emotionally checked out of the marriage be fair to both of you and tell him. My thoughts are with you, i know this is a very confusing time. You'll be able to move on with your life a lot easier if you've exhausted all channels in attempt to repair the damage.

thanks for your insight, cma. i have checked out emotionally with my husband, it happened many years ago. this fwb is the first i've ever had. and yes, if i left my spouse, and things with fwb fell apart, i would be devastated. which is one of the reasons why i wont leave. the other is that my spouse has crippling arthritis, and i feel responsible for him. if he were healthy, i would've left long ago. this fwb thing isn't permanent, never was. i realize i am emotionally involved in a futile relationship.
have my cake and eat it too...makes me a real ****** person as far as i'm concerned.
the best thing i could do, and i am trying, is to find another job. i think if we didn't work together, fwb wouldn't be around much, if at all. it's easy and convenient this way.
part of this is an escape too. since losing a good job, we may lose the house, 3rd shift has alienated me from all the friends i had, since i am always working when they are off, my days off are split, and really so boring and depressing, since i'm wide awake after 10pm and husband is sleeping, i can't do anything that would make any noise. for the first time in my life, i started drinking. not every day, but on my days off, i drink enough to put me to sleep, early, so i don't sit here in the middle of the night feeling sorry for myself.
and the worst part of this whole thing is that i hate drunks, always have and fwb is an alcoholic. what in god's name is going on with me? i feel as though the real me is slowly evaporating, and a stranger is taking my place. the only time i feel normal is when i am with fwb, because there is a lot of laughter, and we can talk about anything and everything. it is the only time i don't hate my job, my life, and my situation.
what an effing mess i have become.
thanks for listening to my whining.

It does us all good to vent/whine whatever you want to call it so don't apologise. Getting another job maybe the answer for you as long as it's financially feasible as you don't want to get into debt as that will be a whole new set of problems. To me you said like you need some good old fashioned TLC from somebody that loves and respects you. You seem to have gone through a lot of guilt with your husband's illness and getting involved with your FWB. Since he is an alcoholic and you despise alcoholics you'd be best to sever ties with him and spend some time with people that are on your level morally, as they will bring positive reinforcement to your life instead of bringing you down. I know what it's like to fall out of love with one's husband and it's really not fair to either of you to pretend. If you don't love him tell him so you can both move on with your dignity intact... best wishes

i do despise alcoholics, but i am in love with this one. go figure. at 57, i am also afraid of leaving my spouse and being lonely for the rest of my life. we are in such financially dire straights now, a new job would not help with the debt situation. i am lucky to have a job making 10/an hour, though i was laid off from one that paid close to 20. most jobs here, and they are very few and far between, pay minimum. and there has been a recent layoff of hundreds of people, most with degrees, so that makes it even more difficult.
i have turned to the internet to try to make some new friends, as there is nowhere here to go at night except bars, and i don't do that. most people who frequent chat rooms just want to have cyber sex, and i am just not into that at all, so it isn't working too well. the overnight crew is all male, and with the exception of the fwb, are red neck dolts. there is no full time work available on any other shift, so i'm kind of stuck.
my gp did prescribe some xanax and prozac, but i am leery re the prozac. how many years does my libido have left? i don't want to take something that will eliminate my desire before it happens naturally.