eating disorder's daily check in spot

Dear dear ((((((((Eskie)))))))). We are good friends and I know from our past conversations that you know yourself inside out, as I do to. If you keep reading back through what you have written you will see exactly whats in front of you, and YES it SURE IS rather fraught. You've gotta get that lamb, or any meat, EATEN before dental surgery. You're right, afterwards it will be a liquid diet for a time and anybody on a liquid diet either stays the same weight, or they loose ~ ~ because you obviously can't afford to loose any weight now, let alone later, you really really HAVE to concentrate on building up NOW. Plus it will be getting colder and you will feel the cold ten fold with no meat on your bones! I shall be keeping an eye on you now!! I'm actually doing reasonably at the moment, these last two weeks I've actually managed a crispbread and some houmous and cheese for late supper. That's better than eating the nothing I'd been doing for a long time. OK, I only eat once in every 24 hour period, but I'm feeling stronger. I have to agree with you about the anorexia making your teeth weak in some ways, it did that to me but more so was the bulimia, that's the killer of teeth once it sets in. Good luck ((((eskie)))) and keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. HUGS. xxxxxxxxxxx

Today's my birthday. I'm kind of pissed because even though everyone knows that I have issues eating in front of people, they're still insisting on celebrating with a family meal. And of course it's a food I like, so I'm scared I'm going to binge.

I purged yesterday morning and haven't had solid food since. I'm just having a lot of conflicting emotions around a friend of mine and feel out of control. Not that starving myself is any sort of solution to the problem at hand...

Very angry with myself regarding where I'm at with mine right now.

Even considering discussing going inpatient with my therapist.

I'm doing well, all things considered. My face is no longer swollen after the last episode. I think I dislodged my jaws. Could it be? Anyway, that's not important. I'm reading various posts in the forum, and I found that you, Whoswho, are beginning college. Getting adjusted to a new environment and changing routines and habits is very stressful to me. I, too, am starting school, in a new school, as a teacher. I wanted so much that position, and now that I have it I seem to not be able to tolerate happiness. I also found a new math program that I think will help much, both my students and myself.
Let this adventure be the wonderful dream it can be. Not the nightmare you fear. Try and find something college related, but not difficult or stressful. Have you met your teachers yet? Your schoolmates? If possible, find something to do together: i.e. finding books, softwares, whatever you will need when classes start. Mostly, find and keep contacts with your mates. I wish I would have valued that more when I was young. I think it's "normal" to be frightened at the beginning of such an experience. Share your worries with someone you trust. I wish you all the best.

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Hello dear ''theinvisigoth''. No, you are so right, your purging and subsequent starving won't solve anything ....................................... But it's the way we cope with our situations we can't cope with. XXX

Doing a little better. Gearing up to do some cooking before bed maybe, and if my mother's still in town we might do breakfast (eating with others makes it easier for me).

Haven't had a good day ED wise. I've had cheez-its and spaghetti and a peanut butter snickers to eat. I found out how much I weigh and it is a healthy weight, yet ED doesn't like it. I also tried on clothes, pants to be specific. This all just made me feel worse. I think that is why I bought the snickers. Now I want to restrict what I eat for a few days to get down to an ED acceptable weight. It would still be a healthy weight...

I'm so tired of constantly debating whether to eat or skip my next meal. And every time, I convince myself that I need to eat, but then end up feeling like I've given in and that I'm bad for eating.

I cooked last night. I only ate a little bit of it but now I have a big baking dish full of good food that I can eat over the next couple days.

Went away and hit the restaurants, came back with usual clothes feeling tight, back to restricting

Want to binge and purge now but I need to focus on school. Have been gaining weight and don't like it.

I weigh more now than I did before my eating disorder. I'm technically not overweight, but I'm close and still gaining, so I'm scared I'm going to end up obese.

Just had dinner and feel really awful. Therapist is starting to push me with food and it's gotten overwhelming. Need to keep my energy up though bc I have work tonight...

I'm waiting to go into treatment for anorexia, again, but it's so difficult to wait and believe it'll actually help. It will be the 6th attempt but the 6th time's a charm, right?

Honestly - waiting is always the hardest when you know help is right around the corner. I always found that my eating disorder screamed the loudest when it knew it was about to go away. Or at least be challenged, which is what treatment does. It is possible to get better. I went through treatment 3 times... pieced together a solid stint of recovery. Maybe this is the "booster shot" of recovery/treatment you need for a future without this disease? Sending you positive thoughts.

theinvisigoth - how'd you do with dinner? Can you tell your therapist that pushing too much too fast is difficult? Is there a middle ground that is still pushing but perhaps a little less triggering? Or is this more of the rip-the-band-aid off type of thing?

breakmystride - I relate so very much. My team always tells me it's not about the number, it's about the behaviors and the mindset. Thing is... it's also about the numbers, at least it is when you're the person with the ED. :/ You're not alone in your fear.


Me today... it's been a ****-show of a day. I'm blending so many behaviors it's getting somewhat crazy. Weight won't go down, it's stubbornly hovering at a point that is much bigger than I want to be. I was doing all right at lunch and then just lost control at dinner. The people who said restricting makes you binge at night? Well, they were right. I never believed that until recently. Consistent nutrition would make this easier. Why is it so hard to over-power my brain enough to eat what I'm supposed to??? Grrrrrrr.

I feel really out of it today. Yesterday I managed to eat 3 meals (well, two and one of my restricting "meals") but I had two of them with people. Right now I'm alone and I've had... one yoghurt. And actually I feel like purging even that. Too much noise, or not enough, I can't tell.

@phenix: I tried negotiating with my T and got a hospitalization threat. Everything feels like too much and nothing is working, I feel like I'm stuffing my face and I'm still losing weight. Dizzy at work. Maybe I should be hospitalized...

Present & Accounted For!

I am doing really well at the moment. No purging at all I have binged and restricted a few times, but nothing too 'serious' and a LOT less than I used to do

HT - that's wonderful!! Every small step is a milestone in recovery. Congrats on the not purging!


Today is already hard. Hoping I'll find some motivation to eat something along the way. Number on the scale is lower than it's been in almost 2-years. No where close to my lower points or even an unhealthy weight. Okay, it's close to the minimum weight my nutritionist told me I could be at and claim healthy. I don't know how to stop feeling so elated when it goes down. I know... chuck the scale. Except then I go buy a new one. Silly compulsions.

Unfortunately I was denied admission to the eating disorders program. I have to live with ANA for however long I must. This really, really sucks bad. I started using serious drugs and now I feel it just doesn't matter any more.

I have eaten a small amount but ANA is the queen in my life. ANA rules with an iron fist. Worse than the drugs because ANA kills faster than my addiction will.

I hate life right now and wish I were dead most of the time. But God is watching over me and what ever the ending, it is what is. I accept my fate. God's will has prevailed. I have to eat but won't and I'll never escape ANA's grip.

Lauren Ann

^^ Honestly... I don't understand how you were denied! That is crazy to me. Did the place offer a referral to somewhere else? Is there a dual diagnosis program you could to that works with both ED and Addiction? Down here, there's a place called The Ranch that does just that - though it can get somewhat expensive. Was it the program or your insurance that denied? Are there other options??? This doesn't have to be the end... no matter how horrible and depressing and hopeless it feels.


Today... one of those days where I didn't want to eat a damn thing. It took me about 4 hours to eat my breakfast, and let's just say that was way under what a breakfast should look like. I get into these places where food feels so un-appealing, so ridiculously pointless, that I just don't want it. I made myself eat lunch and dinner tonight... though none of my meals will satisfy the objective mind. Eating something is better than eating nothing, so I will continue to eat something. Meanwhile, my # is slowly going down on the scale. I told my therapist that I need a limit - some sort of relapse intervention plan. We're going to look at that more on Monday.

And that part of me... that part that wants to keep going. Give up and let the weight fall off. It wouldn't be that hard. I'm at that in-between place. It's about equidistant weight wise to gain back to where I'm "healthy" and to drop down to where my #'s trigger the official anorexia diagnosis. It's an awkward place to be. But for today, I can eat something. I refuse to give up completely. Starving won't solve anything. No matter what lies it tells me.

They say it's rare for someone with a restrictive eating disorder to end up with BED, but I'm pretty sure that's what's happening to me.

I've averaged about a meal per day for the past few days. Real meals, not little snacks pretending to be meals. It's not a lot but I cooked twice which is more than I've managed for a few weeks now.