eating disorder's daily check in spot

Scared to try the drinks. Mind telling me they will make me fat.

I think ensure is made to make people feel sick. My friend with ed said they always made her nauseous even when she was drinking them regularly, and I bought a case and couldnt even keep half of them down. That probably doesn't make logical sense but I'm still convinced.

I drank them with my lunches (Boost drinks or CIBs, too....doctor's orders) all through high school in an attempt to maintain my weight. I guess that never worked because I still ended up being hospitalized a few times despite that. They're lactose free so they never made me sick, though regular milk does because I'm lactose intolèant.

Today I had CIB with Vanilla almond milk and within 15 minutes was in the bathroom. I just ate a protein bar, so I am anxious to see what happens with that. It was hard chewing the bar since I can only chew on the left side.

What does CIB stand for?

Not only did I eat breakfast today but I had protein for breakfast. I count that as a good thing. Gonna try to keep doing that to get my metabolism back to normal.

I believe it stands for Carnation Instant Breakfast. It usually comes in a powder that you put in milk or similar for a nutritional supplement.

I haven't done at all well these last three weeks, since my Dads passing, everything seems pointless and useless. My overeating reflects my down mood, comfort eating is never exactly COMFORTABLE! It justs breeds more darn eating!! I haven't weighed myself but I know for sure I've gained, my jeans tell me that. I desperately want to get back to my desired but safe weight where I feel so much better. One minute I have ridged control, yet the next I give in to eating rubbish, hate this disorder. So so frightened of getting the horrible fat size I was this time last year. Xxxxxxxx

It's okay to let yourself grieve. That's a huge loss. It's going to take time for things to feel like they have a point again. When that happens I'm sure you'll get back on track.

I managed to have the 2 cups of vanilla almond milk with CIB for breakfast, going to have to buy more vanilla almond milk. I didn't eat anything my first break at 10:30, however, I did manage a protein bar and a couple of drinks of water my 2nd break at 3:00. It is now 8:30pm and I haven't had anything to eat and don't plan on it either. I have a huge fear of eating after 8pm.

I've been losing weight again, enough that a couple people have told me they are worried. Meanwhile, my roommate still keeps teasing me about food and making fat jokes.

I'm terrified that my parents are going to want me to eat dinner with them tonight. I don't want to eat, too scared of gaining weight. The only people who have even mentioned that I have lost weight are my therapists and dietician. My ED t asked me today if there was part of me that still wanted to lose weight. At first I told her no and then changed it to the ED part wanting me to lose more.

The ED parts of us always want us to lose more and more and more......
It never ends and its never enough.

So, I have been thinking about your posts for a while and I feel like I know you. I feel bad that you were doing so well, then relapsed. If memory serves, I think it was learning your weight, perhaps in relation to how much your daughter weighs?

Anyway, I was thinking about the need to fill out the Medicare (caid? I always screw them up) forms and how you had to put in a number. I was solving this problem for you in my head. Because I like to fix other people, not myself You had said that you knew you were losing weight and that knowing the weight triggered you. And I was confused. I was thinking, well, sure - you had been triggered originally by knowing your weight was too high, but how could you be triggered by losing weight?! I figured it had to be an ana thing - competition to be the thinnest, etc.

Then I was suffering from terrible stomach pains at night. they were waking me up and my mouth was watering. A friend of mine innocently asked, "are you hungry? - are they hunger pains?" And I thought no! how could that be. I am eating. Not purging. I couldn't possibly be hungry. But, the next morning, I decided to weigh myself. I don't do that because I always expect the number to be huge, and then if it is, I can become a basket case. But I did. And it turns out, I unintentionally lost some weight. And the first thing I did was start doing the math in my head. If I lost x more, my bmi would be x. And if I lost x-x, my bmi would be ....

And then it hit me. So this is what butterfli means when she says that having a low number can be triggering.

So, sorry you're struggling. And I hope you figure out how to live without your parents and eating appropriate sized meals to sustain your health. But thanks for teaching an old dog something new.

I'm about to have a panic attack because I feel like I ate too much today. Even though I'm still losing weight.

My parents did make me eat dinner with them last night. I felt so sick afterwards. I woke at 2am after losing control of my bowels. Not fun to wake up to. I was in and out of the bathroom until about noon today. I almost called into work because I felt so nauseous this morning. I have had about two sips of water and my morning meds today. I am afraid that whatever I put in my mouth, is going to come out so what is the point of eating right now? I don't remember refeeding being this hard when I was in the hospital.

Sounds like you have a stomach bug or something.

*Possible Trigger Warning*

Was very restrictive yesterday and also went to the gym. Woke up this morning at 4:45am and couldn't go back to sleep so went to the gym for a small workout. Then was very hungry and ate more than I am comfortable with. Not a ton, but more than I would like. I hate the constant up and down of my eating patterns...I constantly cycle btwn restrictive, normal, and sometimes slight overeating. This is most likely why my weight rarely drops. I know if I ate healthy consistently without restriction it wouldn't be this constantly up/down but it is so hard...
I work at a pool so looking at people in bathing suits is triggering as hell. I just want to be thin. Being disordered sucks when you are a normal weight, it is quite invalidating. At the same time it is very sick to almost want to be sick...

Going in for an upper GI endoscopy today to see if I can get an answer about my chest pains and regurgitation. I'm sick of going to docs and having them tell me I have acid reflux. No **** I have acid reflux!!! But none of the meds (and lifestyle changes) I've taken for it seem to be helping!!!

I think I gained weight this week which is not good. I didn't eat well. I even binged on a piece of cake and champagne and mcdonalds. I felt awful afterward. Today I'm back to my usual. A couple of bites of food for breakfast/lunch and probably a salad for dinner.

I ate dinner last night and lunch today! I also did the Kansas City NEDA walk this morning and didn't pass out. I have to admit that there were a few girls there that I compared myself to. I came home and showed my mom everything I got, and made a comment about McCallum Place opening up here in KC in August, and she flat out said that I didn't need treatment. Can you not notice the fact that I have lost so much weight that I don't have clothes that fit properly? I don't know what she will do if I get put inpatient.

I've been eating too much and I ate fast food last night. I'm scared to even go near the scale. What is happening to me. I used to have control but these past almost two weeks I've been awful. I guess all of that starving is catching up to me and my body wants me to binge. But I really don't want to...even though I do.

I've gotten into the habit of taking pictures of my food. It's like I feel I'm wasting the food if I don't have something to remember it by.

Still eating too much. Ugh. I've gotten back into the habit of browsing the fridge late at night at work. Here's hoping my days off go better. They usually do. But I don't think i will have lost weight this week.

Ate breakfast this morning and threw up on the way to work. Not intentionally, it was my body that decided I couldn't handle the food. I am back to not knowing what works and what doesn't work food wise. I came home and slept until 3pm. Now I think I have lost my job for calling in. ED has totally ruined my life. What is the point of going on?

You should really see a doctor if you keep vomiting up everything you eat.