eating disorder's daily check in spot

Ive been forced to stop the heavy laxative abuse as they're making me far too unwell. It's frightening as I've used this method for years BUT, I knew this day would come in the end. Vomiting because of the laxatives and having diaries have loss of bowel control at the same time is really NOT funny or acceptable. HUGS. Xxx

I am back to eating just once a day. I don't think I made it up to three times a day to begin with. I have no hunger or thirst signals, setting reminders or timers on my phone doesn't help, I just turn them off or ignore them. I've been getting real dizzy again too. My heart has been having palpitations and racing over 100bmp as well. Things are not looking well and there is nothing I can do.

What about going to the ER so that your heart and pulse can get the attention that they deserve? Please go to the ER as soon as you can.

Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with Bill3 ~ if it's within your power to get yourself to A&E (or ER) then please do so.

On my part things are total crapola. Whilst not actually binging and purging, I am eating a too much of the wrong things and I don't even enjoy them. I have anxiety over everything I eat, knowing it will land forever on my already growing body ~ and I HATE it with all of my being. If only I could get back into restricting NOW, I could prevent any more weight gain. With gain comes so much self hate that I self harm and do other damaging things to my body. I just wanna be THIN, simple as that. I'm a slim person with a great big fat ugly lump of a body fighting to get out, I fool everyone but myself. After 30 plus years of eating disorders which have often landed me in the psych hospital, I STILL don't get how to beat it all. X

You totally get me waggydog. It's really hard to get back to eating less. I've pretty much plateaued over the last month and it's so frustrating. I feel a little bit hopeful for change though because I'm about to move in with my parents for a year and my mom is a personal trainer and a health nut so I'll always have super healthy food and free gym access and someone to ride my bike with and go on walks with. I feel like I might have the potential to start a truly healthy routine. I'm scared I'm going to binge at night though because I've done that in the past at my parents house and it wasn't good. I also don't want to sneak alcohol like I have in the past at my parents house. Well see how it goes in a month when I move.

Bill and Waggiedog, I would love to go to the ER an be evaluated as I am still having the palpitations, however I do not have insurance or a job to pay the bills. I really don't know what is going to happen to me. U of I has not called me back and I have another week before I know if I will have insurance again. I feel so helpless.

Dear RisuNeko. Thanks for your reply. I feel now I'm totally loosing "the plot", each day I promise myself in the morning I'll eat just the one small thing per day as I was a few months ago when I was at my acceptable lightest, and every evening I completely **** it up, like you I can be a night eater. Sometimes waiting until every bodies in bed and then going back downstairs to eat whatever I can lay my hands on, then I feel so sick and hate myself. I feel like sclicing away at the fat on my belly, which is actually not to terrible now but if I continue eating as I am, ALL of the gained weight will go around my tummy ~ ugh. I've also done the same with alcohol, I have in the passed smuggled wind up to my bedroom and snuck up there and polished off the whole bottle. Alcohol makes me not care, and then I still end up not only drinking, but eating too much after drinking a whole bottle of wine. I feel panicky and frustrated, extremely, why did I have to have this rotten life ruining ED? 30 years on and I'm STILL fighting exactly the same battle ~ it's VERY VERY depressing and tiring. HUGS. Xxx

I feel you. I'm having the exact same problem just with beer instead of wine. I really need to cut it out before I move back in with my parents in 3 weeks. I don't want to be sneaking beer or cigarettes or eating after everyone is in bed like I've done in the past when i was staying there. I really need to change my habits and fast but it's so much easier said than done. I'm just hoping a change in location will motivate me to stick with the changes.

buttrfli, I guess that I am naive. I was under the impression that an ER has to treat patients with acute symptoms. And it seems that they do have to treat them, but they can still bill the patient.

Emergency room care: Know your rights

Maybe you could get some help at one of those minute clinics, like at a CVS? It would still cost money but it would be a lot less.

I'm really sorry to have been unhelpful. I hope U of I and insurance come through for you. Maybe call U of I to see what is up?

(((((buttrfli)))))

Don't be sorry, you are being helpful. I am going to call a nurse line and ask them what they think. I know it is related to my ED. I am also going to call U of I tomorrow and see what is up. Thank you for caring about what goes on.

Yesterday I was stressing out because I didn't eat as much as I'd planned (thought I would be home alone, but my roommate was home and I have serious problems eating in front of her), and today I'm stressing out because I ate more than I'd planned and skipped the gym, so I feel like I'm going to wake up horribly fat tomorrow.

Isn't eating disorder logic fun?

Buttrfli....a little confused because I thought a person had to have medicare to have medicaid or are you saying that you no longer have medicaid either?

It took a long time (6mo-1 yr?) after being approved for disability to have the medicare kick in......& I thought that medicaid covered everything that medicare covers but helps for the lower incomes.

However I understand because I won't even go to an MD most of the time because of the extra cost & it's money I don't have. When I fractured my back however I was forced to take care of myself & I just made arrangements to make payments of $5/month.....they didn't have any problem with that....LOL...I just lowered my grocery bill to help pay for that though....so it's not always a good solution.

Honestly, there are many hospital bills that I just walked away from & there was nothing they could do because there was no money to pay. Now I just refuse to get back into that kind of situation. Going to a walk in clinic is less $. Do you have an MD you could go to.....their office visits can be much less than an ER visit.

On my side of the issues.....I managed to get sick over the weekend....think it was the stomach flu. I initially blamed in on my wine tasting at the anniversary party I went to but that wouldn't run a temp or cause really bad diarrhea......can't believe that I have lost all that I gained over the last 3 months in just 3 days. I managed to keep down some great Trader Joe's mac & cheese that I had added extra cheese to......but my stomach is still feeling queeze.....& have been feeling just low energy & really crappy & wanting to just stay in bed. Think the weather with all the rain hasn't helped with the pain in my mouth after the oral surgery & that translates right into the migraine though it's must a low level continuous pain that has gotten worse since getting sick this weekend.

Feeling crappy like this does nothing for weight loss which does nothing for triggering more......hopefully will be able to keep it under control. Sometimes it's hard to tell if the dizzy feel is from being sick, from anxiety issues, or from lack of eating though I'm trying to at least eat a little bit every day.....drinking a lot of ice water lately & that doesn't help the migraine but it helps me feel a little better.

U of I is waiting for me to find out if my Medicaid gets reinstated and then they will try to do a single case agreement. If Medicaid says no, I am screwed. I have the opportunity to have COBRA however it costs almost $700 a month and I am not working.

Eskie, I don't have and never have had medicare. I had adult disability Medicaid and had to recertify. I have less than $500 and have to find a way to pay my car insurance and buy groceries with that. No money to go to the dr.

Ah, I understand your situation now....I must have missed reading the past details. Can't imagine that they would have even thought of taking away your Medicaid when with this Obama Care BS they claim that everyone has the right to be insurred & they even extended the money that states give to help people afford their insurance....COBRA is rediculous.....duh...when people aren't working where are they going to come up with that kind of money to pay for insurance. Sometimes I wonder (maybe not just sometimes) about the way everything is run in this country.....& the way it's evolved into the mess they are creating.

I ended up on permanent disability back in 1995/6 sometime back then but I was lucky because it was based on my engineering salary though it wasn't enough to cover the extreme medical debts that were I incurred after becoming disabled or the rest of the debt that my H decided to get us into by not controlling the budget when I was no longer able to.....I do so understand the situation you are in & how stressful that is without any other stresses going on in life.

Hope it all works out for you....it should....but then again, there are a lot of shoulds in our lives that other's don't seem to look at as shoulds & that's where the serious problems seem to arise from.

I a beginning to think that I am not going to get treatment anywhere. Medicaid is being stupid and I am getting really depressed. I don't know what it will take to get me what I so desperately need and want. I think the lady at U of I is getting tired of hearing from me. I am getting tired of fighting.

What happened with Medicaid?

Medicaid doesn't seem to know what a single case agreement is. They say as long as the facility is a Medicaid provider and the services are covered by Medicaid then I should be fine. It is a matter of I am the middle man and don't know the right lingo to get what I need. I am expecting some resources from NEDA about how to navigate the insurance world. Hopefully they will help. If not, I am done fighting anorexia. There will be no point anymore. This is the last battle.

Hang in there, buttrfli!

Is the problem because it's an out of state provider even though they are willing to take your states medicaid coverage? The university hospital should have insurance people who know how to interface & find out exactly what is necessary......that's not something that you would even know anything about. Why do we always have to do their work???? or aren't they used to dealing with out of state medicaid even though they offer to take it?

Eating is not so good at the moment. Really stressed out about work, which makes me lose my appetite, plus there's some stuff with my friends going on, which makes the ED thoughts worse.

It doesn't matter anymore. I am done. I just found out that Medicaid doesn't cover inpatient, outpatient or any type of patient for EDs. Why couldn't they have told me this in the beginning? I have no hope.

I was wondering because medicare doesn't cover those treatments either & medicaid is just medicare for lower income people.....however medicare did cover my medical hospital care for the anorexia I had 10 years ago....maybe you can just go to the hospital & get help through them?

Was wondering what U of I was going to offer that the other good place you went to didn't offer to help you long term?......what is the underlying issues that initiated your ED in the first place....maybe just a normal therapist could help you with those issues......

You do have hope....because there are times when we do have to draw from within ourselves.....though it's the most difficult but in reality no one can fix us but ourselves anyway.

Eskie, I have called my GP and told her what is going on asking if she would put me in the hospital medically. I am waiting to hear back from her. I don't know what else to do if this doesn't work. Thank you for all of your replies.

I can feel for you.....as I was there 10 years ago. Initially my blood work wasn't bad enough to justify my GP putting me in the hospital though I don't even know how long it had been since I had truly eaten with all that was happening in my life & I had actually been loosing weight since that previous august when I had been hospitalized for asthma that the forest fire smoke caused.....talk about a trigger for not being able to eat....everything smelled & tasted like forest fire smoke for months.....was in the hospital 10 days for that in August & when I got out of the hospital ended up with heat stroke while on foal watch waiting for my mare to have her foal (hot desert in Calif). She came the end of September & by then I had already started loosing but had enough weight it wasn't an issue but my GP noticed.

When I wasn't sick enough to be in the hospital he actually put me in for the asthma again though in reality, it was exhaustion I was also dealing with & wasn't willing to go into the psych hospital. That didn't work so well because they were giving me breathing treatments all through the night to justify my being in the hospital....LOL.. that wasn't the best solution GP came up with....but while in there the blood work did show up bad along with my cortisol from the trauma I had just gone through.

I know that GP's have certain criteria that have to be met before someone can be hospitalized.......I had one GP back with my first time dealing with anorexia in 1994, every time I would pass out I ended up in the medical hospital it seemed. That's sort of a huge black hold period of my life I don't remember well...but it seemed like I was forever in the medical hospital for about 2 years after the treatment center time. Thing was then, I didn't want to get better.....I wanted to die & thought that anorexia since I was dealing with it was my best choice because I thought it left the least amount of stigma for my daughter than the other attempts I had tried.....what logic when we aren't thinking well.

I do hope that you will be able to break the cycle without needing someone to break it for you. I know that it's something that feeds on itself which is why it's so difficult to physically do on our own....but even sometimes when there is something outside that breaks the cycle, we are the ones that have to keep it going & be mindful NOT to allow it to get to that point since we are by that time aware of the red flags......we are responsible for ourselves...especially when there are others dependent on us & that is an aspect of it that we do need to take seriously however difficult it truly is. Sometimes it's the hardest things in life that WE ACCOMPLISH OURSELVES that we can be the proudest of ourselves for.