eating disorder's daily check in spot

Sounds really hard atm! Please don't let yourself cave into the thoughts in your head, the fact they are happening is a big deal and you really would benefit from speaking to someone about them even if it's just to get them out of your head.

And spoken from experience; it being winter, maybe others wouldn't notice as easily if you did drop weight but you would! It's cold enough without landing yourself in weight-loss-freezing-hell because your body weight has dropped and your body has reacted by slowing itself down to sustain itself; trust me, once bitten, twice shy, I only have to miss one meal and I'm so slowed down I must drop temperature by a couple of degrees, it's not going to be a defining reason why you shouldn't focus on weight loss but if you did ever need a reason as to why it isn't a good idea, just remember how cold it actually gets when you lose too much weight- and that there is never a "I only want to lose 5 pounds" it always, always will go further than that because it always always feels too "good" to stop. And if it didn't feel this way, you'd not be thinking about doing it to self-medicate your depression like this.

Thought I'd just blog my rubbish day. I've been trying to reel things back in with my eating. Since starting Prozac my eating suddenly took a turn for the worse. I lost all my energy with Prozac; couldn't keep my eyes open and everything felt/feels like a chore. But I can't seem to fall asleep easily-and when I do sleep, I have night sweats. Night sweats make it difficult for me to eat because I see them as my bodies way of getting rid of excess calories and I have eaten to much so eating the next day feels very difficult even if my weight has dropped, even if I am very hungry. I manage but it's so hard to keep doing that.
Then my cooker died. It was covered by a warranty but took weeks for the company to get itself sorted out and replace it, I had to change how I ate and struggled with this too, it made it feel a bit too scary every time I ate something because for many of the reasons listed above it scared me and felt like I should not have eaten.

I was on 3-4 bulimia free days a week, now I'm down to 1 and it feels like I've lost everything. I feel really rubbish and today I thought I was OK but after eating lunch despite not feeling hungry (I'd missed breakfast because I'd slept in so was going to make sure I got lunch) I freaked myself out, felt fat and it turned into a bulimic episode.

So I've been trying to fix things this evening. I ate my evening meal. I have kept it down and it's now 4 hours later. I feel fat. I feel disgusted with myself and I feel worried about going to bed in case I get another night sweat.

Hoping for better tomorrow!

I was put on brintellix for my depression a month ago, in that month I lost half of what I gained while inpatient. No more brintellix for me, it is now prestiq. I am trying to eat, just have been so nauseous that I didn't want to. Will I ever be back to a healthy weight?

I feel compelled to write this. I don't know why, exactly. If you get thru to the end, you'll see it has a bright spot. But there is much darkness before the bright spot.

I'm not speaking for anyone else, but for me, bulimia is part of my cells or my DNA. Since 4, I have never not had body issues. There are no words to describe how much I hate my body. Not my face so much, but my body is disgusting repulsive and something I wish I could permanently get rid of and still be alive. I have had a few good runs of not b/p - maybe as much as 6 months in a row, but that's over 35 years. Even when I'm happyish. I never quit. I can't. I don't do it a lot and it's no where near as dramatic as it was when I was a kid, but I still binge and/or purge 7-10/wk. (and yes, every tooth is filled, capped or crowned).

I've been in weekly therapy for 5 years and I've made 40 years of progress in those 5. But still, on Saturday, I looked at myself in the mirror and was so disgusted by what I saw that I promised myself I would diet until Christmas. Not diet diet, but not binge or purge and only eat healthy foods.

I know today is only Tuesday, but it has been easy. Weirdly and strangely easy. I ate my normal breakfast. went out to lunch with colleagues and enjoyed my food, then cooked/ate dinner. I even exercised, which I almost never do because it involves moving my body, which makes me think about my body, which makes me hate myself worse. And except for writing this post, I haven't' thought about b / p at all.

Anyone had this happen? Any thoughts/explanation?

My T is giving me one week to show some progress/weight gain, before really talking residential...however, she's been wanting me to go residential for several months now and I don't really know what she means by let's give it one week more of trying outpatient. I just don't feel I need residential treatment. I've been worse before and really should have been in patient a few times but I pulled myself out of it. I try to eat and I do eat but just not enough I guess. She keeps saying the denial is so strong I don't see it. UGH

This doesn't make any sense, even to me, I've been at a minimally normal weight for about 6 months now after a very long medical hospital than inpatient treatment last year and early this year. I then went back to work, but I got sick soon after returning. I got a couple infections that got into my bloodstream, so I was septic a couple times, ICU and all that and I lost some weight, but I gained it back. Now I'm looking at going back to work after one more surgery in a couple weeks or maybe a month or two and all I want to do is lose weight. I feel like I was so sick, yet I look healthy and I shouldn't. I don't know, I'm just overwhelmed by urges to lose weight, like I want to prove to the world just so I can validate being out all this time. I don't know if anyone has any advice or can relate to this, I just wanted to put it out there.

You don't need other peoples validation for being out of work all this time.....get your validation from within yourself. You know exactly what you went through, it's not important that others know other than the people who are important in your life. Most people coming back from illness look well or they wouldn't be going back to work in the first place.

Hope your next surgery goes well. Sounds like you had some seriously bad times over these last few years.....it's time to get on the healthy path of your life & loosing weight isn't the path to get you there.....be wise.

It looks like nobody's updated this in a while, so I thought I would.
I was just wondering how everyone was doing. It seems like we have a fair amount of people struggling lately.
I wonder if it's the weather? Where I'm at the weather's not great. Very short days, dark and dreary a lot and the weather affects my mood and everything else a lot. I've been using my sun lamp and it seems to maybe be starting to help.
I'm not doing great ED wise. I'm on yet another medical leave for multiple sepsis episodes (not related to my ED, but probably exacerbated my it, because my immune system generally sucks as a result of it). And I have nothing else to do other than watch Netflix, read books, clean, work-out, hope I get cleared to go back to work and soon, and obsess over my eating or lack thereof. So I'm weighing myself a billion times a day, writing every calorie down, heavily restricting etc. And I know right where this leads. And it's never, ever good, but at the same time, I need something in my life that makes sense right now and everything else is so wildly up in the air and out of control and my eating is my fall-back mechanism whenever things get crazy. I can't seem to help myself. I am trying to stop this from becoming a full blown relapse because they get worse everytime and one of these times, I'm just not going to live through it. And I know that, but....it's still so hard.

So today, I'm going to try to focus on something, anything other than my ED and spend some time working on things that will further my career and take care of some health issues/get some testing done that should have been taken care of a long time ago.

How's everyone else doing? What can you do today to help yourself move away from your ED and towards where you want to be

Have been keeping so busy I don't have time to think about any ED, but I also get so busy at times I don't eat because I don't take time or will throw together some soup. I need to clean out my refrig so I can find the food I do have in there & prepare some good healthy foods.

I find it so easy to just NOT eat when I get busy & I've been so busy since last August when I was caring for 3 stallions that had been abused. Cleaning stalls 2 times a day & doing all the heavy work involved with their care, I didn't have to worry about calories or gaining weight.....it wore everything off that I did eat & many times we went out to eat after working so that was basically my one good meal a day as I was too tired when I got home to do anything except fall in bed or try to catch up on some easy things needing done around my own farm. I gained NOTHING over Christmas holiday even with all the get togethers I went to.......the thing is that after having oral surgery last March & having all my teeth removed & not being able to tolerate dentures because they make me throw up, eating isn't the easiest thing in the world....I have to puree everything I eat if it's not soft like meat loaf or salmon that flakes into small bites....eating is just a LOT OF WORK that isn't all that fun any more....& the migraines are back & bothering me after the oral surgery & the lowering of the pain medication dose I was on & the treatment only works for a couple of weeks now where it was working for almost a month before the surgery.

Grumble grumble....but I still push through it all & enjoy everything else that is part of my life that I finally love compared to where I was when my anorexia was bad back in 1995/6-1998 & then again in 2004-7 when I finally left my H & escaped to the farm I bought 2100 miles away to start life over...best thing I have ever done in my life & living alone keeps me making sure that I don't go without food the way I had been doing......animals that depend on me to be functional are a really huge part of staying healthy & caring about living is another.

I'm eating and still losing weight. Yesterday, I had breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks in between. I don't know what to do. I need to gain weight and then maintain that. I see my dietician this week and am scared that I have lost yet again. I just can't afford to go back inpatient. I am very busy at work, and there are a few days a week that I don't get to take my lunch break. However I eat a big dinner when I get home around 10:30pm. I even have been eating ice cream on almost a daily basis. I don't count calories, yet I am highly aware of what I am eating and try to eat high calorie foods. I don't know what to do. I am tired of the battle and at the same time don't want to give up. I feel so stuck.

I did a week of IP at the beginning of the month and now I'm finishing up my last week of IOP. Things are better than they were before I went IP, but that's not saying much...things were pretty horrible. When I saw the doctor last week, she said that she is struggling to believe that I'm doing better because I'm still losing weight (just not as fast as before). I don't know what else to do. Some of my team is suggesting residential. Others are strongly against it. I honestly cannot afford to take more than 1-2 weeks off work (no FMLA). I just want someone to tell me what to do.

@tree7car: what if you start a thread, report what members of your team say, and solicit discussion from others here?

Hi everyone im new to this website. I don't know if this is were I should post this but heres my story ... For the past three years I've been struggling with my ED. The past 9 months to a year I have been doing better. I have been able to eat dinners thanks to smoking ( I don't know if that's ok to say on here :/ ) but I was still purging all the food I ate in that night in the morning .... well anyways about three weeks ago I came down with a horrible case of strep throat and got a abscess in my throat so good for me I couldn't purge like I usually would. well now that im cured of my strep I still haven't purged at all Yesterday for the first time in a year I ate my first solid food during the day it was a small thing of yogurt ( Ate maybe like 6 small bites. I shared most of it with my daughter ) but anyways I was so super excited because I was able to keep it down. I was so proud of myself and have been for the three weeks to a month of not purging until today ... today has been a really bad day. I don't know if it is guilt from eating yesterday or what but im very very depressed , angry and having the urge to purge * but I haven't * I just don't know why. Is it just part of getting better ? Like I said in the from the start I don't know if I am posting in the right forum ... I just need some advice Please.

I didn't lose weight when I went to the dietician. In fact I maintained. On another note, I have been extremely exhausted the past few weeks. Friday, I went to my GP and had blood work done. I am hoping to get the results on Monday.

Well, I went to the dietician again today. I've lost a little. I haven't changed what I am eating, maybe eating a little more. I know I am not at my set weight, however I can't seem to get over this yo-yo that my body is doing. As for my blood work, turns out I had mono.

I managed to eat twice today. But since my fiancé and I are both out of work right now, and have no money saved up, I feel like I can't eat more than that a day. That if I did it would be irresponsible.

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had 2 takeout meals this week (not a good start)

also at least 2 packs of jellybeans every day

on the plus side (if it can be thought of as a plus side) i've not yet opened my new bag of potato chips

*makes a mental note* next week, i should have at least 1 item of fruit

Only ate two meals again today. But I feel good about what I did eat. I had whole wheat toast and two eggs for breakfast. And for dinner I made salmon, rice, broccoli, and spinach. I know I should be eating more...but at least I feel good about what I did eat today.

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Had 2 meals and a snack today. Tomorrow is a new day.

I've been barely eating since last week. It's like something snapped in my head and I don't want to stop

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Not doing well at all. I have been eating only twice a day at most since moving April 1st. When I do eat it is usually a pb&j around noon and then another pb&j, crackers, fruit snacks and water on my break at work. That is it for the day. By the time I get home from work, I am too tired to fix anything to eat. I live by myself and can't bring myself to cook for just me. I see my ED T tomorrow and am dreading having to "fess up" to my eating habits. I know she will tell my dietitian and then my dietitian will want to see me more frequently. I really want to tell my T that things are going great and that I don't need to see her every week. That would save me $90 a month. I am so frustrated with everything.

I live alone & though I don't work other than on my farm, I understand the too tired to cook. I have lots of microwave dishes & Mac & cheese will make my meal. I either fox veggies or meat but never a rounded meal...too hard to coordinate. I feel good that I do eat 2 meals a day. It's better than one or none. I hate the mess cooking makes. I have other work than cleaning the kitchen that needs done

How did your session go and how are you feeling? I am so proud of you for thinking about "fessing up" and allowing others to help you. That is more than I am able to do right now. Even thinking about it seems beyond me most of the time. I understanding being frustrated, especially when monetary concerns come into play with mental struggles. Salt in the wound. But you are worth it.

Sometimes cooking seems to take more energy that I wish to dedicate to it. On the other hand, when I'm not feeling depressed, I love cooking for others, even if I limit my own consumption. You are right; eating 2 meals a day is better than none. We have to be kind to ourselves and recognize the good things. I ate more yesterday than I have in quite a while, and I am celebrating that fact. Hopefully I will have even more today.

I told my therapist the truth and she asked me what my dietitian would say. It is all stuff I have heard before. I also found out how much I weigh today and that has me a bit freaked out. I managed to eat a little more today, however calories were still lacking. I also didn't drink an ensure. I did eat though and that is a victory.

I saw my dietitian on Tuesday and she told me that the weight I am right now is where I was 2 years ago, and it is a good, healthy weight. I can't believe it! I feel great most of the time. She also told me that there is still room to grow. Today I tried on my summer shorts and had about 4 pair that don't fit. I got rid of them. Shorts that were too big last year fit perfectly now. This is also the first time in 2 years that I have had a "cushion", where if I were to lose a little weight it would not put me in the danger zone.