eating disorder's daily check in spot

SDRL: I can relate to how you feel about your stomach. I too am very self-conscious about my stomach. In fact, I've been noticing how mine is looking a lot lately. The evil Ana thoughts are coming back and although I keep pushing them away it is getting harder and harder to.

2yrs ago this weekend I was inpatient for my ED. I've come a long ways and have a long ways to go. I can do it! We can do it!

Okay week. Today I'm melancholy and envious of Elle Fanning. Envious that she succeeded in a culture where one is deemed a failure if they haven't achieved their dream career at age 23, and I didn't.

I feel ugly, and tainted with failure and a terrible personality. I feel like my goals will be forever out of my reach because I am unworthy of them.

I'm starting this practicum this summer and I'm not looking forward to it, because it feels like so much work. But that's my fault, because if I weren't so lazy it wouldn't seem like so much work.

I've gained so much weight, and it's making me so emotional. My body image has never been lower than it is now. I feel absolutely disgusting.

Been eating pretty well, but not been happy with my body...and tonight my best friend just *had* to comment and say that I look good now and I was too skinny before. It's a good thing I don't have a scale anymore, because if I did, I would be constantly weighing myself. The last time I was weighed must have been at least a month ago when I went to the doctor...

I don't really know where I'm at. I know that I'm struggling big time. My body is sore all the time. I have difficulty moving around. I get nervous about having to walk even short distances, like a couple of blocks. When I do I get severe pain, usually in my back, hips, knees, and feet. I know that it's from a combination of all the weight I've gained and the fact that I don't do anything in my free time. Like, absolutely nothing. I sit on my butt. I'm in total lockdown mode and I'm not even sure why there's still a veneer of denial there because it's clear to me that something needs to change, and fast. But for some reason whenever it comes time to do something about it, something in my head convinces me otherwise. It's okay. Don't have to do it right now. We'll start tomorrow.
Yeah right.
Sigh.
I want this gone. I wish I could just magic it away. I know I can't. But I wish I could.
Energy to those who are struggling today and kudos and warm thoughts to those who aren't.

Today's been so rough. I'm not allowed to know my weight right now, but I look and feel weight restored, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Obviously I wanted to get better and be healthy, but it feels like it's all happened too fast. I feel like somehow the fact that I've recovered to quickly proves that I never was as sick as I thought I was, which makes me feel guilty for recovering at all.

Not doing that great. Purged once today. Kept down dinner though. I just want to be smaller.

I installed MyFitnessPal back on my phone and an counting calories and excessively working out. Ugh. It's been so long but these thoughts have been hitting me I can't help it.

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I can't do it. I can't do this over again. I restricted so much the last few days I can't take it. I deleted MyFitnessPal off my phone again (but I still have a few other calorie and exercise apps) and ate a lot of chips and coke. I can't go down this terrifyingly dangerous road. No, brain. No.

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This is killing me. I took my dog hiking. Nearly couldn't get back to my car. I couldn't breathe and I stopped sweating and got cold. I'm just so tired.

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Just mere hours after deleting MyFitnessPal off my phone, I reinstalled it and went back to restricting... Idk.

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Just so tired. Will I ever be free?

I was drunk last night and binged a bit. Today started off like all the last few days but idk something clicked and it actually turned out pretty good surprisingly.

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I'm new here but I've b/p relapsed after being purge free for weeks. Not as bad as it was before (3-6xs per day) but it still feels like a loss after getting out of the cycle. . .

These clinical shifts are going to ruin my recovery. Today I woke up late and didn't get to eat breakfast. Went to school from 9-2:30, had lunch around noon. Got home and had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich around 3. Had to go to clinicals from 4-9 with only a 15min break. Now I am home and too tired to eat. At least tomorrow I don't have class, just clinicals from 8-2.

Was having a very hard time with my body image anyway...and yesterday a coworker asked me if I was pregnant because I "had a bigger belly" (and yes, those were the exact words)...

So then of course, my whole self image was shot, I spent forever trying to find something to wear today that didn't make me feel like a fat cow...and today I have done A LOT of restricting...and right now it's at the point that I know I need to eat, but the thought of it makes me sick.

I told my T about what happened, but we didn't really get to talk about it because we spent the whole time talking about work since there was a huge change at work for me this week, so that was okay because that's what needed to be addressed right then...so I didn't get a chance to tell her that the comment really put me back in ED mode.

Hopefully I can find the strength within me to pick myself back up out of this...but if not, next week when I see her, we will be going full on because I worked so hard to get to a healthy place, and I've been wavering the past few months anyway...and I don't want this isolated event to make me lose all the progress I made completely.

I don't check in here often. Ironically, perhaps, since my struggles with the eating disorder seem to be my biggest trigger for the depression these days. I've been struggling since February to find some kind of help. Every day is a challenge. The other day my mom and I spoke - actually spoke, for the first time in a long time. She said that I'm doing so well for someone who hasn't found help yet. It kind of made me feel strong, and yet made me feel like a fraud, too. Because every day is still a struggle. It made me wonder if she'd have said that if she knew what was going through my head every time I eat.

Depression is hitting me full force. The eating disorder and the depression seem to be working together, attempting to knock me down. But I'm trying to believe I'm as strong as she and my friend, A, believe I am. Maybe, if I keep trying to believe that, one day ... I will. We'll see.

I guess the reason I avoid this section of the forums is because I still struggle with accepting it.

I did well today, at least. Hopefully, tomorrow will be even better.

Thank God I still have my hunger trigger...that has made me keep eating! I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't been restricting, but that's better than not eating at all. A year ago, I honestly didn't even know what hunger felt like, so I could (and did) go for a long time on practically nothing.

Hi you guy's. Been reading through all of your posts and I basically feel the same as you. Good days, bad days and ALWAYS based on what the weighing scales say in the morning. I've been severely restricting for a long long time, like 33 years so far!!! Obviously there's huge binges in between with or without purging. I've stumbled on some toffee's (candies) which I can't leave alone. I can hold out all days long, then it comes to night time and WHACK, all of my restricting goes out of the window. I'm at my goal weight now, it's taken me ages and ages to get down to this. Now it's a case of staying at this low weight, I REALLY don't want any weight back again. I so understand you all. HUGS. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FON.T][/B]

Stupid body decided to have period cramps and what not for the first time in years. So now instead of just my normal eating disorder feelings now I feel like a bloated cow on top of it. Ugh.

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Because of the weight I've gained in the last year I can no longer walk more than a block or two without my back seizing up and having to stop. So my wife is out in the park that we both love right now, and sending me pictures of all the ducklings and goslings that are in the pond and I feel wretched for not being able to enjoy it with her. Why do I do this to myself? I just don't understand. After decades of this I'd have though I'd be over it by now. But no. No.

I haven't been here in a while. Unintentional, really. Though my recovery in terms of my ED are really going well. Which I never thought I'd be able to say. Ever.

I have been able to eat without guilt. And when I was eating ice cream, out in public, it didn't even cross my mind that I shouldn't be eating this. When I got home and realized I was truly shocked.

I am proud of myself. I never thought I'd get to this point. And while a relapse is possible and happens to loads of us, right now I am just going to be proud of myself.

Been indulging in favorite sweet things to help ease the pain I feel. Not very helpful though for my physical well being.

I've been having some really bad b/p relapsing.
We haven't gotten groceries since before the 4th of July, leaving nothing in here but fatty leftovers, snacks and lots of take out.
Anytime I'm forced to eat unhealthy, I binge and freak out.

Warm weather & working outside on my farm....combination for weightloss & i didnt even realizie it until i checked the scales the other morning.. thougbt with all the ice cream & chicken salad i make with grapes & pecans & the pea & cucumber salad & chocolate dipped strawberries...seems i have been eating more than in the winter. Guess stress on top of the hot weather even drinking gallons of water it's weight loss time again...guess i do get involved & forget to eat when riding the lawn tractor over fields I get lost in time..but thought the high calorie foods would counter that....found sweet potato chips that are out of this world good to munch on......

The strange thing i have fount is tthat weight loss has lije a slowball effect once it gets started & doesn't know when to sfop

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