[lil_bit]

*sigh* i'm trying to pack myself with calories for the last 2 weeks of school. I was so dizzy and weak today that i fell off my stool and a friend had to catch me! I figure...with finals and everything i need the extra energy so i'm trying to keep my calorie count up. Still hanging around 1000 at most but at least it's a little more. I know i'll do a severe cut the moment school is out...but for now i'm doing well with the additions at least! Erghhhhhh it's SO HARD though! The feeling of "full" is so foreign it almost hurts...it does hurt. The bloated stomach...man i wish life could just be easy!

[InACorner]

thats what im doing at the moment lil .....i am packing myself with calories to get through some of these moments...i just ordered hoodia off the internet....and when that comes in im doing a severe cut as well.....does this happen often??? Like you starve yourself for so long and then just go binge crazy and then severely severly cut....like fast ....for so many days .....or am i just stupid and crazy...

[lil_bit]

Inny you are so NOT stupid or crazy, i'm right here with you.Lately i've been kinda binge crazy anyways like not eating all day and then i come home and just eat one thing after another (low calorie things though so the count stayed down). I guess it's just a cycle and we are all the victims..hmmm.

I'm always afraid to take diet pills etc. I had some once, and they made me cranky. Like..abnormally cranky, i swear i could have killed someone! eeek! I stil have some of those actually, not sure if i want to go down that road again heh.

Am i the only one who's had that kind of experience with diet pills and the like??

[InACorner]

no...actually i tried diet pills one time when i just started anorexia....i was like 16.....and it made me really shaky and yea there were times where i could have killed someone too lol ....but i didnt....but i figure...all diet pills are different...and reactions are different...which you just have to figure out by trial and error...you know? Im trying this certain hoodia only because it was number one on whichdietpill.com ...sooo i bought a bottle...and we will see how well that goes....another thing is i drink sooooo much fibersure its crazy...that stuff gets you to loose weight too ....but you know what i really need? Is a freaking scale....lol of all the things i have the one thing i dont have is a weight scale....and i cant buy one otherwise everyone will get suspicious....
do you ever feel guilty about throwing food away....like i just get overwhelming guilt about wasting food....

[lil_bit]

Well good luck with hoodia i suppose Fibersure helps with weight loss? That's news to me..hmm. Goodness i'm not sure what i'd do without a scale! (well uh..guess i'd probably be much happier maybe but oh well) Maybe you could buy one and if anyone asks make an excuse? (okay..so my wonderful advice is for you to lie...it's what i would probably do but obviously not the best thing..)

YES i always feel guilty about throwing food away. Lately i've been "hiding" a lot of it. My little "nonexistent" stash is growing and growing and i keep wondering what i'm going to do with all that food and feeling bad about just throwing it out. still haven't figured that one out yet...

[InACorner]

been through the whole stash and hide bit.....just letting you know....it probably smells very badly ....just you cant smell it cuz your used to it ....i suggest you throw that away due to the fact that it is probably moldy and gross and no body is willing to eat that....but try not accepting food....and just get money ...i dont know..how old are you anyway...or at least a range....if you DO get food from someone like...a dessert or casserole or something...give it to your neighbors and say your friends made it for you but they forgot you were lets say....allergic to cheese....or chocolate....or you didnt really care for it...but you didnt want to throw it away....as for dinner time...take the smallest amount you can so you dont waste it...even though you and i both know it will be a waste .....
i just binged on kentucky fried chicken tonight..and i was doing soooo well..8 bottles of water....a peice of celery and half a banana ....and my bf just HAD to buy chicken....feel sooo gross ...tried to throw it up but i just couldnt get it all up...too hard i guess...and yea fibersure is like a laxative....it helps you go to the bathroom ...alot of IBS people use it in drinks to help them regulate their bowel movements....i USED to do it for that...and you can guess what i use it for now....i weighed myself at work today...i am 120 pounds...and im only 5'1....(in lamens terms it means i look like a whale) my goal is to get to 100...since at 116 i looked gaunt and scary...according to my bf...

[lil_bit]

The food that i've hidden isn't perishable, like i think i've put crackers, granola bars, that sort of thing in there. Perhishable foods I try to just avoid, or shove them back in the fridge or throw them away etc. I'm 17, and I guess i'm somewhat lucky because this "diet" isnt' difficult for me to pull off in my life. Some people know but they dont' challenge it because i snapped at them a couple times (oops..) and i live with just myself and my mom and she believes that eating disorders don't exist. (i just wanted to smack her when she said that!)

It's okay, binges happen. Tomorrow is another day just try to hold yourself up. I can't imagine you look like a whale at that height and weight. I'm 5'4 and i was 100 until this past week of continual binging...now i'm 104. argh. if you looked "scary" at 116 then wouldn't you look..dead? at 100? just be careful....(as ironic/hypocritical as that is..)

*lil

[InACorner]

lol....5'4 and100/104??? Well if even I look scary dead skinny...what do you like since your 5'4 ...yea true it is ironic...however...i am proud to announce my hoodia is in...even after just ordering it two days ago !!! So it says to take two pills after a meal once a day...so ..i guess i will wait till tonight ....since my binges are always bad at night i can do soooo well during the day..its just at night that kills me...so maybe it will work..even to curb my appetite alittle bit ya know?? i cannot believe your mother said that either....you know what i really think....i think she knows you have an ED and i think she is in DENIAL ....mothers are very smart when it comes to their children...even if they cant stand each other or have a bad relationship....i mean just probably looking at you makes her realize you have a problem...5'4 and 104 pounds???? She definitly cant think its due to excerise and all that..
good luck to you on that...

[lil_bit]

meh, i don't think i look "scary skinny" or anything yet but it is a "disorder" for a reason. Good luck with hoodia! hopefully that goes well for you. I keep contemplating those diet pills i still have.. not sure i want to venture down cranky road again since i've been on the edge lately anyway. we shall see i guess.

I am exactly the same way, nights kill me! I can go all day with nothing and be just fine but for some reason night triggers the desire for food..not even hunger just the desire to kepe eating!

My mother's way of thinking drives me up a wall. She has her own little box and that's her world. If it doesn't exist in her box (aka her opinion) then there's no way it is feasible. Basically if she doesn't understand something, then it doesn't exist. Drives me crazy...she has no clue about my weight, if she knew she'd probably freak out. Especially since I hope for it to shrink more.

Just curious, about how old are you?
Well good luck in keeping the count up..but not too up. hopefully i can do the same! man this really is a battle...

[InACorner]

im 18 not to far off from you, yes i agree this is a crappy battle....and its no longer a side of winning or losing..now its more like...whats good and whats bad....whose the good guy whose the bad guy....cuz i guess in MOST peoples heads food is the good guy...eating is good....but in OUR minds ...well its quite the opposite....so even though i can admit this in writing....well if someone asked me to eat a sandwhich...in my head id be comtemplating how many calories...how much to throw up....if i should hide it lol and in all that time thinking and contemplating someone else would have already taken it and eaten it whole...but when i dont eat..i feel so...good...make sense? I feel Clean....i feel pure....like im not gross and disgusting and dirty when i eat food...make sense? When i eat...even a peice of celery...i feel soooo ICK.....i dont know...just how i feel i guess....and sometimes i wonder ...i know i am not at scary skinny weight yet...i know i dont LOOK unhealthy...but would all that i go through....with all the calories...and starving all day what would that make me ya know....oh i dont know...to many thoughts running in my head

[lil_bit]

Very well put! Good guy v. bad guy...yeah i definitely understand where you are. Food is almost like the enemy anymore because all is happy and well until it comes. Then it only leads to a sore stomach and morbid thinking. Lately after i eat i've been afraid to go out into public, afraid i'll look too huge or something. This is weird but i had to take pictures of myself/stomach and compare it to other people before i'd even go out the door! I've been keeping the count pretty much up, with the help of ice cream i may have actually broken 1500 last night. But now it's the weekend, i'm getting a bagel for breakfast and that's it for today..i think.

About a week ago my friend had a piece of chocolate and offered it to me saying "she won't eat it". It was a challenge..so i took it and didnt' even realize that i was cringeing as i ate it, but of course he was quick to point that out.

We are...different. We think different, act different, and definitely eat different. People who mock us are almost the same as prejudice because they don't understand us. Nor can i understand them. I wonder if this split has lasted since...forever?

[InACorner]

even when i binge...i hate food....even if i am fullfilling my bodies needs ...my mind is programmed to think i need no food....i just dont know why i am sooooooooooo fat .....and you know what...its gotten to the point where i dont care anymore...i dont care about hiding it...ever get tired of hiding it?? Its like someone offers me food and im all out of excuses so i say..im on a diet....which is true...and yea they look at me wierd like...dear God if your on a diet than i need to go get some miracle work done...i dont care...its to the point where i say to my boyfriend...no i dont want to eat....im SICK of being SICK ...im SICK of lieing...im SICK of starving...and yet i love it ....for some reason when i starve and my stomach grumbles...it makes me feel alive....you know??? I am real and have real feelings...im not dead...not yet.....and so to remind myself ...i let myself feel the extreme to feel ...because otherwise....if i am sort of normal...or just slightly hungry...i dont know how im feeling..im numb....or i dont trust my feelings....if i hear my stomach grumble...and i am to the point where id kill for a celery stalk .....and my body is aching and tired...i finally know i cant be making it up.....

[lil_bit]

Oh yes, I know what you mean. Last night i binged on ice cream and that sort of thing, then tried to drink a soda and the whole time i was hating every singe drop, every single spoonfull. My stomach was so full that i couldn't even hardly move, and then i hated myself for letting it happen. But later today i felt my stomach grumble, and i was happy. I felt normal again, like my world had been righted. Then i ate a little bit (soup..like 200 calories) and some green tea with a friend and we talked and stuff. He was on the phone once and said "Yeah i'm walking with fatass here" he was kidding but that sticks with me even now.

It's terrible...but it's like we're in exactly the same place right now. I too am sick of hiding it. My attitude is becoming apathetic, like "just leave me alone it's my body okay!" type of thing. On the other hand i want people to care so badly, I guess i just want comfort and my control over not eating gives me that comfort.

What is a "normal" pulse rate? I randomly sat down at one of those things at walmart that checks your pulse and heartrate etc. and my pulse was 110. My friend's was 78 so i'm guessing mine is way high? Could that be from not eating? ohhh my

[InACorner]

im a certified nursing assistant so i know the pulse range...the lowest is 60 the highest is 100....and 100 is pretty high...we always recheck it afterwards and give high blood pressure medicine to lower it...i know what you mean ....my lowest ever is like 98 .....mines always pretty high.....and yea it can be from not eating...your heart is working harder to provide your body and pump blood...your heart is tired...your body is tired....so yea it is to be expected that your heart rate is up.....

and yea i want people to stop talking about my eating..but then i want people to care..its always strange this illness ....i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this

[lil_bit]

wow so should i be worried if mine is 110? yikes! Geez it seems like the only thing i can do to keep my count up anymore is to eat this 1/2 lb chocolate bar that i can never stop myself from devouring. It's around 1000 calories for the whole thing! I ate that tonight, and i feel SO sick now. I hate the repetition that never stops and the fact that i can't beat it.

Maybe we just want people to care so we dont feel alone, but not to care in a way that impedes our actions. Perhaps our search is for passive love, when people care when we want them to but also back off and never oppose.

[InACorner]

exactly on the passive love

and i was having hunger cravings so i took two hoodia for the first time ...so i am doing ok already..but it cant be working already..so it must be in my head lol but you know what let it be all in my head..i dont care lol as long as it works....so we will see..hope it works

[InACorner]

just letting you know...its been awhile since i took the hoodia and before i took it i was thinking of what i could eat ...and how my stomach was growling now i feel nothing...i dont have to eat...im actually pretty good....
yey...it looks like its working...also i found this site sounds real interesting its http://www.fruitarian.com i might try it...i belong to another site and the girl said she was her lowest weight ever with this...so ...dont know...maybe i will try that

[lil_bit]

It sounds like your spirits are up inny, that's great! I'm glad hoodia works for you (or seems to lol). Careful, things can be the worst when it gets to the point of mind over matter. I know i'm doing the exact same thing but lately i've been starting to worry about what i'm doing to my body, that whole heartrate thing has got me over the edge. Of course, I worry but I won't stop. Go figure. My logic lacks..well..logic. hah.

I checked out that website, seems just like vegetarian without the soy stuff. (I'm vegetarian...) Soy is the main source of protein for vegetarians though so wouldn't the fruitarian diet have trouble with protein levels? You'd have to eat A LOT of nuts etc. to keep that up. Just a thought...(as i'm sitting here considering it as well..god i make no sense!)

sorry if i sound pessimistic, normally i'm not but lately my worries are way up. But tummy grumbles now, and i smile

[InACorner]

lol nooo your right about the protein.......it would be very hard for you to get protein in your body....i mean i guess there might be a pill for that lol...i dont know.....im a vegetarian too ...yea mind over matter is definitly important...but rmember lil ....especially when your sooooooooo used to it..its not as hard....like you know you train your body t o be only able to handle bananas and if you do want to eat more or try to ...you get full fast and end up throwing the rest up......wow...lol doesnt sound appealing does it......
who ever knew you could hate your own diet

[lil_bit]

Yeah achieving the whole mind over matter thing is frightfully easy, and thus frightfully dangerous. Already i've trained my body to abhor calorie counts over 1000, and I practically cringe at anything even near that number. I can never throw anything up, not even if i try. If i eat something out of my "ordinary" then i just feel REALLY sick and wish i could only throw up just to not feel so terrible anymore. I eat a variety of foods (in low quantity..) so i'm not yet "trained" on anything specific. I guess that's a good thing all things considered, but as far as the diet goes it's definitely not.

I started taking my diet pill again today. So far it hasn't affected my mood much. Of course, i only took one so i can't expect anything so soon anyway. I really hope it works...if even to just help me burn the little that i do eat. It's called Propolene...I wonder if it would have more effect if i poured the powder out of the capsule into a liquid and then drank it?

[lil_bit]

Okay i quit. I'm done trying to eat more, work less. I just plain quit. It's depressing me so much to be eating this much, can't do it anymore. I keep seeing fat and feeling fat and the bloated stomach that no one else ever notices, all the while knowing that I could get rid of it. Well, now I am going to. Maybe to reduce the strain on my body i'll exercise less, my legs are getting too muscular for my taste anyway...i want them to be thin not strong. Less calories taken in, less burned...maybe i'll even hit some middle ground here.

[Rapunzel]

((((((((( lil bit & Inny ))))))))))))

This thread really has me concerned. I understand something of coping in ways like this, and also finding a kindred spirit who has a lot of the same thoughts, issues, and coping methods that you do. I kind-of feel like that sometimes too and have some of those thoughts. There's a lot here that I relate to. What worries me is that the tone of this thread is more encouraging each other to continue in the disordered behaviors that will always hurt you in the long run. I hope that you both and anyone else reading here will consider working towards recovery and try to stop damaging your bodies this way. We need to use this site as support for recovery, and not for support in perpetuating disorders of any kind.

Thanks for understanding.

Rapunzel