Triggering***************************************************











If... someone IRL offered to help you... support you in efforts to get better... would you take it???? and what support would be helpful...

My friend of 20 some years passed away...from an eating disorder.. and I am reeling in shock... I guess no one "feels" my shock... it is like... oh well.... onward we go... and I want to scream....I tried everything that I could to help my friend...

I am questioning... whether anyone IRL truely loves me...yes.... I am...I am in tears.....

My eating disorder... comsumes my life... and I try and I try and I try to overcome.... always alone...

I have gone to my family physcian.. and my therapist... and a dietcian... and they do not understand..eating disorders... it is specialized.. my body does not tolerate food.. and acid reflux.. asthma... such a complicated mess..I am...

I think now... about my son... 23 who I raised with loving care... and my best friend of 29 years... and I think... would really take so much effort on their part... to help get groceries in the house... to help me fix meals... and yet... I am not of enough "worth" for them to extend this effort to me...it would take very little effort on their part to help me start with "brothing".... they know i need the help... they know I am weak... they know I am exhausted...

They both know it... my best friend is retired..

and my other good friend...she also knows that I need help.. both of my friends would not "think" of not going to church every sunday..

But.. they cannot spend that amount of time on me... their friend...

So... I do ask myself... will they take the time to come to my funeral?

I ask myself... of what importantance is a human life...

It is.. after all.......... an eating disorder... that is all..

I ask myself... about my friend's husband.. her 3 adult sons.. and her adult daugther... where were they....
The husband... I know... "in denial"... saying.. "oh well"... her adult son.. saying "I wash my hands of it"... her daughter.. an eating disorder too...

and now... she is gone...

What help would I want IRL... I would want someone to get groceries for me... to fix some meals... that my body could digest... to have someone actually talk to me.. and ask "what can I do to help?"..."did you eat today" "do you have food" and say "I love you.. you are important to me"

My life feels shattered....

[Perna]

Freewill, I'm so sorry for your pain and your loss.

Print your post above out and send it to your friends. Send it to your son. It frustrates me because I don't know where you live, cannot get to you and help you.

It sounds like her family is weak, as you say you are weak. Or, if not weak, helpless. You tried to help but were rejected by your friend; can you imagine being her husband, sons and daughter?

If your friends did offer the help you say you want, would you take it? If you would, then by all means, give them a copy of this so they have no excuse, so they know they will not be rejected or hurt, snarled at for asking, to them, "innocent" questions "Did you eat today" that it is so easy to twist into thinking friends are "checking up on" and trying to control one.

It seems like such a two-edged sword.

[bebop]

I agree with perna on this. you have to ask for help. some people feel they try only to be rejected like you said your friend did with you. maybe if you showed them that you are indeed trying to overcome this they would be more willing to help. if I were near you I would do whatever I could or you would allow. (((hugs)))

Thank you....

My eating disorder is different from my friend... and I have alway strived for health... and have not lived in "denial"... she lived in "denial"... and was very different... and yes the "snarling" happened with her... and the refusal to get a feeding tube...I begged her to get one..

For me... I feel right now that I live in the world of the "unreal".... because I have actually asked for help... from my son.. from my two friends.. and yes.. I know hard to understand being turned down...and I have talked specifically about what would help... I guess IRL.. I am what you call "mellow jello",, for the most part... so they aren't concerned about me ever "snarling"... it is a rare day that happens...

For my best friend... she is just "too busy" and we have talked... she does not want anyone including her husband to know I have a mental illness... so she takes great care to keep it a secret... even after 29 years...

For my son... he is very self involved... and does not want to bring "pain" or "worry" into his life.. his ex girlfriend.. who he lives with.. has told him my eating disorder is my fault.. and to help me.. would be enabling me..

My other friend... is into chariety work that "shows"...that is very important to her... so organized events... church related events.. and such...

I talked to another friend.. today.. of about 23 years... we haven't been in touch... but our passed friend was mutal...and he basically told me.. "it is your fault"... you need to "fix" this... but again... no help..

my friends are all retired...

so that is me.... "worthless"... to the people that "love" me...

I know... that this eating disorder is my fault... that I am doing it... but help...IRL would be so very appreciated...

when I talk about "weak"... I mean I am physically weak.. that I am exhausted.. that my asthma leaves me breathless.. that my fibrom pain... leaves me in pain.. that getting food is a physical trial... that fixing food is a physical trial... that I easily become exhausted...

[bebop]

maybe some social services could sign you up to get a helper in the house during the day to get your groceries and such as that to help you out?

[youOme]

Some people don't understand eating disorders and may not fully sympathise for people who have eating disorders. People are some how convinced that anorexia and bulimia are self suffering and the ill asks for it, as though it's easy to just eat any thing. When it comes to this though people have to truly rely upon them selves, especially if they know what they want. If you want to be better and healthier then you must do it for yourself and not rely on an outward non understanding hand. Nobody knows what you suffer through entirely accept for yourself.

[Perna]

I know about the asthma thing, I'm doing that at the moment myself. Thank you for sharing your experiences, freewill, it's a good question to ask one's self and think deeply about.

Do you have any stores that deliver. Here in the Maryland area, we have Peapod http://www.peapod.com/ which I could get at my old house but not here (this neighborhood isn't "good" enough or dense enough to get a goodly number of people signed up). But I loved that, they came right into the house with the bags of stuff (and wonderful, huge plastic bags with handles that were so useful for other purposes) and put them where I said (in front of the refrigerator, obviously )

Don't know if you can find anything you can use on Amazon's grocery department if you don't have a delivery service in your area. I order a few things from there but don't have the storage space for much and they seem to want to send larger amounts. Too, they don't have "fresh" items, just boxed, canned, frozen, etc.

I don't know about the friend that doesn't want anyone else to know about your illness? Seems obvious why you're not getting a whole lot of help there! Does your therapist or doctors have any ideas on how you can get more personalized, supportive help irl? I think I'd try to do something along bebop's ideas and see if I could get someone in person to show up and check on me and chafe me a bit like the old nursery nurses do in all the good English romance novels :-)

Thank you for your suggestions....

and I guess... what some have missed... with this posts.. and others have not...

is that with you wear your body physically down to absoultely nothing.... you need help... physically to do the practical things... that you cannot do...

when you get to be 52.. and you have all of these things wrong with you... even the fibrom... that is constant pain..

the practical things... like getting groceries... like cooking... like... standing long enough to cook...are issues... just like if you were recovering from a surgical procedure.. and physically weak..

walking into the grocery store... takes the strength for that day... let alone.. doing the shopping on top of it...

buying micro wave food... doesn't do any good... because you eat it... and ten minutes later you "lose" it thru IBS...

you cannot eat milk products.. at least I cannot because it makes my asthma... 100 times worse..

protein bars.. drinks... make me deathly ill...

I cannot eat anything with sugar... because it triggers chemicals in my body that cause a binge... that is not mind over matter... it is a practical fact...

I cannot eat tomatoes.. or citrus... because I have GERD.. and acid reflux...

so... you see "relying on yourself"... well is a poor plan... and

yes.. I have asked for help from loved ones.... but loved ones are in more denial... than I ever was...

and.. no grocery services...

Eating disorders are very very complex.... and not "cut and dried"... especially when you reach 50's 60's....

Damage gets done to your body from the eating disorder... and it is not a matter of "making myself eat"....

I will check on a college student.. or home aide.. that might help...

I provided this for help... and also... so that maybe it would help others... I don't know anymore..

I would even accept a feeding tube but was told.. that would cause more problems... and only as a last resort...

Eating disorders are serious... life threatening illnesses... that few understand....

[Perna]

I hope you can find some help. I know about the older/harder thing too, I'm 57. When my appendix burst when I was 52 and there were 5 months worth of complications, have all the intestinal things too (and where I think my asthma came from). It's heck when we mess ourselves up and get older! Would be wonderful to be back in our "youth" and make a few "different" decisions but I guess we made the best ones we could for ourselves at the time, there's always trade-offs.

Have you been able to add anything to your diet recently? I know you've been really trying. That has to be thoroughly frustrating. Can you do simple gelatins (no sugar)? That's what they fed me after I could start eating again in the hospital after being on IV for a week. I've told that story before, they asked me what color I wanted, yellow, green, orange, etc.? Turned out it was just colored, no flavor or anything in it, just "gelatin". I was so pissed after a week of not eating, I wanted flavor so bad :-)

[bebop]

I understand the not being able to stand long enough to cook a meal. it takes me awhile to do it myself. with my back issues it is all I can do at times. most of the time actually. most of my meals consist of maybe a meat I can put in the oven and maybe one veggie.

[Pita]

Freewill - if you lived closer you would find out that I can drive people nuts with my need to fix them - I, among other things, am a fixer. I view it as my personal mission to fix the things that my friends say are broken in their lives. Don't eat and lose weigh in front of me and you will see me daily bearing fresh broth, soup, and any goodie that might tempt my friend to eat. Have a cold, be sick, more soup and vitamins and grape juice. Unfortunately most of my friends think I am over the top. And they will only do what they want to do - if they are not going to eat - they'll take a few bites to humor me. Why do I do it - the same reason you do. Because I have to do what I can so that I can live with me - if I did not try and help a friend I could not look at myself in the mirror but I also know that I cannot make them do what they decide not to do - I can just try. Also, interestingly, my friends do not do the same for me. Why, it is not that they are uncaring or do not love me - they do it for others - why not me? Because they think I am the tough one - they never think I am so sick I cannot go to the store (of course, like you, I never tell them how sick I can feel) or that I cannot think of anyting that I could stand to eat. IRL I have a terrible time accepting help - I have an even more terrible time contemplating asking for help. Years ago I went thru a spot where the only reason I got out of bed in the morning was because people expected me to - when I confided to my absolutely best friend in the world - who I knew would give her life for me if she had to - she said "just get over it." Years after that she admitted that the reason she said that was because she thought that if I could have such a tough spot then it meant anyone could and she was afraid of that.
I guess - to quit rambling - I think some people will always accept help IRL and others never will. Sometimes that ones that never will just cannot - no matter how much we want them to - we can just offer and try.

And some people that might accept help but do not get it freely given may need to find a way to ask for help.

[Pita]

I need to add to your comment: "I know... that this eating disorder is my fault... that I am doing it... but help...IRL would be so very appreciated" Your ED is not your "fault." It is the fault of the scum sucking bottom dwellers that abused you. NOT YOUR FAULT. NOT YOUR FAULT - It is one of the terrible burdens that the creeps left you with - it is their fault absolutely - NOT YOU FAULT.

Also, in AZ with some of the grocery stores you can shop on-line and order on-line and they will deliver your food for a very nominal fee - I have had to do that before. Are there any stores in your area that do that?

[DePressMe]

Freewill...I am just now reading this thread. I am so sorry it has taken me this long to get to it. I wish I would have known about this earlier.

You are special to me.
You are important to me.

I care about you.
I love you.

I understand eating disorders.
I understand your pain and frustration.

I don't understand those who are not helping you.

The distance between us makes it impossible for me to help you by going to the store and cooking for you. I can't give you a real hug or hold your hand IRL. But, I am there with you in spirit. I am with you every step of the way. I have not been asking you if you have been eating or what you have been eating. I thought it would be prying too much—I thought I was respecting your privacy. But, now I see how you could take that as a sign that I don't care or understand. My friend, I care...please, believe that I care about you. You are important to me. You are so very important to me. Please forgive me for my lack of support. I hope you will give me the chance to be there for you.

((((((((((Freewill))))))))))))

[wanttoheal]

You might find a natural healer and/or herbalist in your area. I also suffer from an ED and have had similar problems and wasn't able to eat. There are things that can be done naturally to help/heal the GERD. There are also ways to get so you can eat things without spending hours in the kitchen. I don't/can't cook but with my herbalist's help, I was able to do what was needed to do. When I started, I could not get from the parking lot to the grocery store without taking a break from exhaustion. I was on 3 inhalers and a myriad of pills. Now I am asthma free and on no chemical drugs. I am able to eat real food. There is help out there.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. It's so hard when you want to help someone and they refuse the help needed.

It sounds like you need other support than those "friends". For me, an herbalist helped a lot. The opportunity is there for you to take charge of your health. I do understand the difficulties of eating disorders and while I still struggle with them, things are much better than they have been in the past.

Also, I have DID and I know that can be a struggle with the food issue as well.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do. Feel free to PM me if you need to.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((freewill))))

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I understand how IRL there can be no one to help you. I used to wonder where everyone was and if I would ask for help, no one could for they were always busy. I felt in the way so much so that now, when someone cares, I feel worthless if I am not waiting on myself or constantly doing something.

I have to push a cart whenever I go to a store for I do not feel safe enough without a cart to add support. It is hard when you do not have a lot of strength. For so long I tried to hide that anything was wrong because I was suppose to be healed, that even now that it is okay to let myself be who I am, I find myself hiding a lot at times.

I hope you know how much you mean to me and how much I love you. If I were closer I would help you. What I can do is offer you my support and let you know I am always here for you. You are important to me and others here. And I agree with Pita--it is not your fault. There is always something that lies behind an eating disorder. I know, I have one also.

I know I do not talk much about it. It brings back too many terrible memories. Memories I have not talked about. But I know that eventually I will have to talk about and deal with. I just say that to say I understand.

I want you to know that I am here and that you can PM me anytime. I will try to do a better job of PMing you too. Know that I care and love you.

cami