calling someone

I know that ther's nonone that can help me' so I feel like I'm grasping at thin air. So happy to fit into my skinny jeans again, right? Canceled my therapy appt feels better in bed. I,ll get a burst of energy and clean my house.Make a big dinner for my family. Started back into the lax habit, dropped my electro so low last time docs couldn't believe I was standing. So way fuss with them again any more than usual?confused?

Hi Tifferific,

I have been in that place where everyone was trying , My therpist , my boyfriend, people in my OA group , and myself. I really felt like it was hopeless .

I got real with a power greater than all of us. I had to hope that there existed without and within myself a power that was greater than my powerlessness. I asked for willingnes to try something different . What that will be for you will come to you or some door will open. It may be the gift of a window of time where you don't you want to do what you have always done . I think they call it grace. Grab onto each moment that comes your way. You may have to give yourself over to a inpatient program . That may be your opportunity or your surrender .. I forgot the all important surrender . The two dovetail // willingness and surrender . a lifting of rebellion.

I know this seems vauge . But give it a try. you don't have to get on your knees . I sat in a chair. You may find the tears will flow and if they do this will be a good thing Tifferific. I belive our calls are heard.

what do you hope for yourself ? . What do you want Tifferific?

how can I help you?

Patricia

Hi Tifferific,
Ive been thinking about avoidance . Try to make yourself go to therapy.

Maybe disscuss meal prep and having an eating disorder. If you don't mind I feel inspired to start a new thread about this. Its an issue for me.

Hope your doing better today.

Patricia

I want this 24 years of crap to stop. Why can I never be thin enough? I want normal thoughts but I,ve been doing this since I was 9. Not much hope not even in the doc. Books the you are so pretty and have so much to offer is such bull if you can't believe it. -I fear most being alone.

Is anyone out there?

i on the most part of what you say totally understand, particularly the fear of being alone in every sense of the word. i can only try to say dont beat yourself up too much about not going, because in order for you to actually bother to write about not going, shows that really you are very bothered about not going, or you wouldnt have even bothered to give it the time of day on here. and at the same time of wanting the crap to stop, it is like you want someone to help. it does my head in having to go to therapy, and listening to them and them trying to make me think better about my selfworth, when all the while im sat there and its me that has to do the donkeywork of changing how ive been brainwashed by myself and others for years, its hard to undo years of that in a few talking sessions.plus it is sometimes like hassle.

i am fearful of being alone too. and i may be wrong, but the fear of being alone doesnt just mean your boyf leaves; i get fearful of doing the donkeywork alone too. what if you try and think, well, i didnt go this time coz i needed a recouperation from it, but then do actually go next time?
and then dont feel guilty because then there is a ligitimate reason for not going, but definately do go next time and set your mind to think i am going to the next session wether i want to or not at the time? or is it that you are upset because you have missed one session, and coz only you knows yourself, you know that you wont go to anymore now coz not going once has set the wheels in motion not to go? but you are obviously bothered and wanting to go on the one hand, or you wouldnt have mentioned it.

It's just that it has just been years and I went threw some awful crap to get to were I am right now that is really goofed up. And one hour is so hard for me to start to open up about stuff that I've detached from or stuffed. I don't know why I'd want to anyway. The truth is - guess it doesn't matter why i do what i do just that I change it. I just just haven't seemed to beable to. My nurse says that I'm doing better. - guess I'm not almost dead plus point. But they arn't in your head. They don't know that evert day. Your looking for something, that can't be reached. And the emptiness and fear is far worse when you are so so then when you are starving totally and numb.

[quote=tifferific;918985]It's just that it has just been years and I went threw some awful crap to get to were I am right now that is really goofed up. And one hour is so hard for me to start to open up about stuff that I've detached from or stuffed. I don't know why I'd want to anyway. The truth is - guess it doesn't matter why i do what i do just that I change it. I just just haven't seemed to beable to. My nurse says that I'm doing better. - guess I'm not almost dead plus point. But they arn't in your head. They don't know that evert day. Your looking for something, that can't be reached. And the emptiness and fear is far worse when you are so so then when you are starving totally and numb.[/qu

i dont really know what else to say, but if your nurse says you are doing better, even though in one breath you think you havent been able to, but for your nurse to say that, in some way you must have achieved something with your 'illness'.

is there a simple answer to why you do what you do, other than the obvious ones that peeps would say of not eating? what i mean is do you know the real reasons why you do what you do?

the reason why i asked if you know the real reasons why you do what you do, is because if you do, you are at a greater advantage than lots of peeps coz some cant even pinpoint why they do what they do. even if you dont know why you do what you do, at least youve admitted youre doing it. the thing that everyone forgets is that people arent robots, and it doesnt mean you are a complete and utter failure if you cant achieve quite what you want to, but i think you have achieved a lot, because your nurse is saying that shes observed that you are doing better than you were, and surely, you should be glad that you are getting an acknowledgement of credit where its due to you?

Bit she's not in my head and it seems like I could turn into my mega demond at any momomenyt if I just set it free. Not even that if it just decideds that it is going to over take me. I'm always so much worse then whbat I think I am. And I've noticed that they seemed to try To pick me up when they are frightened.make any sense?

ive writtn a couple more answers in your other threads. yes i do know what you mean, and i think you will know what i mean if you read my other responses. i did put about goals they set, professionals, and sometimes, if they are too hard to attain, if you chop the goal into chunks and work on your own chunk at a time, then sometimes the end product is what they are striving for. sometimes they will even give themselves a pat on the back thinking they done it all themselves, but they havent, coz youve done it.

only you know what you are thinking, and it has become draining to me in this way, that i will 'tell' on my own conflicting thoughts. i feel like crap when i do it, but i have to, i have to so that maybe the therapist or whoever may then see that as it is happening it is while i am saying one thing to their face but thinking all these other things all at the same time. i feel like im grassing or dobbing my own self in but i have to.

I have out of all these uears one nurse that hasn't freaked on me. She totally is awsome and without her I would be dead. That is not an understatment by any means. She must be an angel or something. I give up on myself all of the time. She gets frustrated and keeps on picking. she keeps me going because for once in my life I believe that someone knows I deserve more than this. That if I cry someone will come. If I scream cuz it hurts someone hears me. I don't have to be trash and shiver in the coner and beg for help, she'll be there. That step of belief I never thought would come. She knows that I scream inside that the ball of blackness can't be starved purged or taken out of me scars like that are like implants. Sorry I'm floating. But I atleast trust her more than I do anyone on this and that is a small miracle.

i hope you are feeling a bit better today i feel a bit rubbishy, not coz of you or anything else, it is a cold and rainy day and grey; it always makes me feel trapped, i like to go for a walk everyday coz it helps me by doing things or going anywhere to not dwell all day on bad things. its nice to get a rest from it for a short while and see people doing their thing. but the cold and rain make me not be arsed to go outside, but by the time night comes, i wish i had.

Sometime you'll have to personally post were you live. Cuz it's -30 degrees here today. That's not with wind chill.today is ok eating is crap. The real problem is I've gotten back on my lax regimen again karen carpenter story. They just help me feel empty. Really empty. Can I ask how old you are? I guess it doesn't matter I've been in treatment with all ages. And I mean all. I'm 35 suffered since 9 or 7 years old. I just remember that's just the way I was. And I went threw puberty, early the boys were horrible. Anyways, I'm sure that you don't need to hear about that 4:-( and I'm not sure if I want to talk about it. - am sick though. My nurse called me today. Why didn't I come to my appt? Because it's FREAKIN cold. The other reason is bescause I'm afraid I'm fat. I hate Appt I'm a size 0 still fat. Afraid I failed. How are you? Walking is good as long as it's not too much it clears the random thoughts. Hugs tiff

yup..here... Its cold here as well Tiffer. and getting colder. Made my first attempt at tryig to cut bath tiles. No begginers luck for me let me tell you . Trying to learn how to score. I can't score much of anything...LOL!!!!! Haven't got the art of using nippers yet . What a challenge. The stripping I did last night went well I have to admidt . Did it right on the bathroom floor .I finally got unglued.. The floor .. got the floor unglued...

Foods okay I behaved myself. Cried a whole bunch last night. I pretty much hid out in my place today . One look in the miorr I aged twenty years. Didn't want to scare any one. Wrote a poem about it.

Your hubby and children love you Tiffer.. The nurse sounds like a good person. Whats one thing that special about you that you keep secret. I won't take no answer for an answer.

Hey there little Miss Zombie.. Got your gumashoeas on .. ( sounds like german for goulashes.) Exersize is good for the mood.

Yesterday I put on a dvd from dancing with the stars.. and practiced at the gym in the meditation room where no one hangs out...

Not salsa. though.

SAMMMMBA!!!

definately Samba is my dance...

just imagine a little side to side shoulder shaking.. perfect..LOL!!!

the male dancer was quite.. uh well lets not go there...

You too, whats a special thing about you you keep to yourself . I want to know...

Patricia

Miss Zombie are you out there? The one thing special about me is I'm very intuitive.

im 33, and i live in cornwall in the uk. ive never taken laxatives or anything, ive just solely restricted my diet, or as some people would say ive solely starved myself. ive done that since i was in my teens, but it got worse when i had my first child. the main crux of why i do it, is because i had a violent father, a strict upbringing, and he mentally abused the family not just physically; and then added on top of that are things that crushed my self esteem and confidence even more. at first, i suppose it started out as a way of controlling something about my life, and to grab someones, anyones attention that i do actually exist and im hurting, dya know what i mean? but then it grew out of control, and because ive done it so long, thinking in the end im normal and what im doing to myself is ok, i have trouble with actually choosing something to eat, letting myself eat. anything to do with food i cant make a decision for myself about anymore, because its made me that indecisive about food, that it is actually easier to not eat at all.

in one respect im f**ked up, in another, i think im not doing too badly coz i am managing to eat at least two small meals a day with a couple of snacks inbetween, but while im doing it, my brain is going awol, making me feel guilty, telling myself off inside for eating, and it is a constant battle everyday. i try not to beat myself up about not sticking to that task of eating if i dont manage it somedays, but i cant help feeling like shite if i dont eat, and sometimes i wont eat for 3 or 4 days at all because it starts the ball rolling again not to eat coz then my ana is winning and i cant let her.its a constant fight with ana constantly, wether i eat or dont eat and i am sort of sick of it, because i am a strong person with or without ana and i really want to kick her in to touch and just be normal like other people.

my dr had to weigh me, and he told me my bmi was 14, and i couldnt ignore that in the end. if i wanted to, i know i could just give in to ana completely and not carry on, but i really want to see my grandchildren if my kids have any,lol, and i want to be around to see my kids are all ok until they dont need me anymore and its time to go without any help from ana or anyone else the thing i didnt know is that i have an heredetery kidney condition, and it came out in me while i was pregnant with my second child. i lived in hospital, and that wasnt anything to do with ana, because i do not know wether the maternal instinct in me makes me eat when im pregnant and my weight is always healthy and very good while pregnant. it is after the babies i starve again, because of my father drumming it into me that i will explode into a fat ugly person when ive had kids. my auntie is 28stone, and from being little my dad used to say i look like her, im just like her, and when i get older i will be as fat as her, especially if i have children, i will explode into an obese ugly fat cow like her. i had to eat meals on my own segragated from the rest of the family, and my dad would hit me if i looked at him while i ate. i would like to add that she isnt ugly, she has a pretty face, but she is very heavy and has issues of her own she deals with regarding her eating, but my dad succeeded in making me neurotic and have a dysmorphic view on how i perceive my body to be. if i carry on how i have with food, or get worse with food, there is a very true and real danger with me that i will die due to renal failure, because of my kidneys, the odds are stacked against me doubley. that is why i have to beat this, because my youngest child is 2, and i want to be there for him.

Hi Tifferific,
not sure this answer if for me .
I asked you to tell me something special about yourself .

Being very intuitive can be a bane and a blessing I find . I think I am as well .I have difficulty processing stuff that comes to me .
Thanks for sharing .

Patricia

this hurts to read Little Misszombie. Im sorry this happened to you.

I belive this was my progression. I was never trying to get attention though .I was hooked form day one and wanted to guard my method yet I was cought up in the hades of it . I was too entrenched to know what I was doing anymore . I remember after being kicked out of the house having this resignation it was going to always be this way until the day I wanted a better life.


yep indesisiveness. I think it centers around not wanting to make a mistake for me.

Littlemiss,

I put these somewhat copy pasted posts of yours side by side so you can see what I see and you probably already know.

This voice your struggle wth the food is his voice not yours.
I'm so sorry Little Miss.... for you what happened to you... I don't like your dad much.. Im glad you shared this with us..

if you were crying while typing this I would not be surprise Little Miss.

[/quote]

I get momentairly wired when I hear any man make a comment about how a woman looks . Many need to be put in thier place.

When I was in the first year of my eating disorder I brought a blue eyed sibearia husky puppie home I had bought with my own money. I was between 16 and 17. My father called me stupid and dumb and lots of other things and then hit me.

It was a final straw . I grabbed one of his prescription drugs and took them . He tried to wake me in the morning and could not . After I got back form the hospital I suffered more physical abuse from my father . was kicked repeatedy in the base of my spine / hinney. I was scared of the male therapist I was required to see back then so after visit #two I said I didn't want to go. My father said you don't need to go your all right. not long after I turned 18 I got kicked out of the house with not a visit except for when someone stole my bycycle which was my transport because my parents wouldn't help me get a drivers licence. He managed to stop by and say he was sorry.

I'm a slow learner Little miss.
I don't ask the key questions till years later . like oh ..no wonder i got kicked out and wasn't given help. It was to cover his AZZ.

you are asking yours , Little Miss,

you WILL beat this .

Oh and by the way.
My mother used to call me a zombie.

zommbie, scatterbrain, primadonna, space caddet,selfish, ragmuffin.

there were others . I just don't remember . maybe thats good.

I muse at how she came up with the word "Primadonna"

having only had a sixth grade education. Good for her ..

Patricia

Wanted everyone to know I'm here just sick.be I touch.

Still fell like crap . But still here.

Still sick. But wanted to let evertone know I'm here.I'm o.k

I losy the one person that I think cares about me.another go rpund with ed .

I don't think that - should or am going to try any more. My nurse was lying to me. Nobody really cares. I trust why?????

I know how you feel Tiffer . Not with the eating so much but in the relationship area right now . ,

I think these messages are placed in our heads from various people in our lives and its a fight to remove them .

For me My parents didn't really care much nor did they try . But they didn't know how because they were not doing well themselves. They were trying to get the neighbors to be thier parents , to listen and love them . they needed love .


I think you should try. We have to do it for us regardles of who stays or leaves . Pound that one in ....


I have absolutely no family Tffer , no boy friend , I have a brother who is my abuser who for my birthday sent me a picture of a red tent beside the ocean with a couple of segulls and a huge grizzley bear standing upright behind the tent.

the caption said

On your birthday , start the day off with coffee and a bear claw .

sounds funny and looks innocent . But he knows I have a red truck and was told to move out and i was planning on living out of my truck .

not a peep in response . from him.

but now the card...


He has a warm house that my parents helped him to buy plus they helped him get his MIT education . for me they didn't even belive I had recovered . they didn't care they didn't ask . My brother and father both sexually and physically abused me . My mother did in her own way as well.

Im used to going it alone Tiffer . I had some paid help and I had some other women who were struggling just as much as myself . We for a while commiserated . In the end it was solely my desision to do what ever it took . One of my old friends I say old because she's bisexual and she hit on me twice . She is still struggling and has not changed .

I will still do whatever it takes even if it's through anger pain and tears .

I have hope some man is gonna think Im great and not treat me like some mental defect because they veiw me that way , Nor one whos going to just toy with me .

You have a husband and children Tiffer . As long as they are not abusing you , you have much to be grateful for .

They are there for you . They do care .
I care that you try because your a sister who sufferes the way I have and I don't want you to suffer any more .

Thats the extent of how I can care though. And really its just about that way with most people.

today I cared about myself by painting my front door . And I finished my bathroom and Im enjoying my beautiful tilled floor . I may not be living here much longer but I have a very nice bathroom now . best place in my apartment .

So what can you do for you today ? what can you do just for Tiffer ? Something that will make you smile ? maybe try to eat right , and nurture some talant of yours that you seem to have forgotten about. or try something new thatyou don't think you can do. and then when you do it you can smile for a while at what you did for you. and then do another thing for you that will make you smile some more .

I stare at my floor over and over. i did such a fabulous job.. Better Homes and Gardens will be calling me for an interveiw soon I know it.

LOL!

I don't know if this will help you ,

thats a sad weakly beating heart but its yours tonight

Patricia