[italianguy]

Hi,

my name is S. and I'm 23. I've lost my mum on last June 29th. She had lung cancer. She was 51.
She was diagnosed with lung cancer about three years ago. It was in a very early stage and it was fortunately operable. She did surgery and got the cancer removed. Doctors prescribed chemo therapy that was long and very painful for her. Her hair fell off and felt very weak for a long time. There were a lot of side-effects, but she never gave up, she went through all. She has been fine for one year and half.
Precisely one year ago she had a pleuric and a pericardic effusion, so we've taken her to the hospital to get the liquids drained. We (I and my family) were totally scared but all seemed come back to normal.
Her oncologist, then, wanted her to take a new drug to keep under control the possible replications of cancer cells. But soon the effects of this new drug have disappeared, leaving all side-effects and starting off a paraneoplastic syndrome.
Two months ago, on May 7th, my mum has taken in a clinic. She has been (badly) cured for a new pleuric effusion. Two week later she was taken to the hospital because the syndome caused intestine infarcts, she was in a lot of pain, kind of unconscious, but doctors were great and treated the infarcts and the situations was going better. On May 30th, my birthday, I went to the hospital to see my mum, I was really happy because doctors were talking about letting her out on the next weekend. I was going to get out of her room with the rest of my family, when she felt a strong pain in her chest. We called a doctor. The syndrome hit again, this is an heart infarct and another surgery is required. The surgery was successful. She spent three or four days in the ICU. Fortunately her conditions got better and better. Doctors talked about discharging, again. On June 11th, my mum was discharged and we took her home. I was happy like never before. Having her home was paradisiac. I could be with her all day, if I wanted. On June 12th, I and my two sisters were at home, my dad went to work and my mum was in the bathroom and she was washing up. I was sat at my computer in the living room and I see her going to the sofa and having difficult breathing. I and my sisters start questioning her. She couldn't answer. We thought it was for the fatigue, caused by the unresolved pleuric effusion she still had. We called the doctor and my dad. She had an ictus this time because of the syndrome. She had the left side of her brain damaged, so she couldn't move her right arm and leg and she wasn't able to see on her right, but most of all she was aphasic. She couldn't speak. Her last days were a lot more than horrible. She was in a lot of pain. We all, family and friends, stayed with her until she has flown away.

I deeply loved my mother and what happened to her is devastating me. I cannot accept she is no longer here. I cannot accept I won't look in her eyes again. I cannot accept I will not get another hug or kiss from her. I cannot accept I won't listen to her voice again. I wasn't prepared for this at all. I don't have a lot of pictures together or recent pictures... you never think this could be the last time you see, speak, kiss, look at your mother. You think you have all the time of the world. I don't know where to start to try managing this pain. When I have family or friends around is easier. They involve me in activities, but feel I have lost interest in things I used to do when she was here and when I'm alone or I try to study or to focus on anything, my concentration disappears and I start thinking of my mother and how much I miss her. I feel I can't face nor bear her absence. It's like she is far away and I'm waiting for her to come back, but she never will and it really destroyes me realizing she won't be with me on major events that may be in my life.

I'm so sorry if this entry is way too long, but I tried to summarize three years of events, so it's not even the whole story. I decided to write here because I can't speak to friends or anyone here about my mum. I can't tell them "she has passed away", I just block when I try to say this sentence and I don't know why, as everybody knows what happened to her. I tried to share my story in this way, maybe there's someone else who lives unfortunately a similar situation and capable to get what I'm feeling now.

Saluti.
S.

((((((((((((((((gentle hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry for your loss. I have lost 2 very loved and special people in my life to cancer. The first was my beloved grandfather, the second my step father. He was only 49. Grief is a long process. You will feel sad, angry, hurt, hopeless, helpless, depressed and abandoned in a way. Only time will heal you my friend. This is the thing about grief. Maye grief councelling will help you to deal a little better ..... you have lost the most important person in your life ... my best friend has just lost her mother too and little things will trigger off your sadness. You are entitled to grieve, cry, be angry ....

My grandad died when i was 16 and i still cry for him a lot. ut the pain eases gradually ..... please take care of yourself, my heart goes out to you and i wish you well. Let yourself cry, howl, scream, whatever .... talk to her still, i believe she is still with you, but that is my belief.

with love and sympathy, Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[vetswife]

Poor kid. I lost my Dad when I was 26, my brother (who was closest to him was only 22). I have to say, it hit him the hardest he went off the deep end. I still grieve for my Dad, when I am missing him I'll listen to the music he use to play (Hotel California, stair way to heaven ect.). I close my eyes and it's like I'm sitting in our old kitchen listening to him playing the guitar. My Dad past six years ago, it does get a little easier, you will find your way of coping and remembering. I now find comfort in those old songs, I still cry when I listen to them, but it's a welcome cry, it's how I feel close to him, how I can still visit him, how I cope. Find something of hers and just hold onto it even if it's not a physical object, something she loved to do, a favorite movie, song, book or place she loved to visit. My Dad loved Pennsylvania's mountains. We visited our old property where we camped as a family about three years ago, I just laid in the tall grass and I could feel him around me. It's never easy losing the closest people to us. She is your mother and is still with you, still talk to her. I am a mother nothing could take me from my children not even death.

Take care of yourself sweetheart and hang in there.

[onlymedid]

(((((((((((((S)))))))))))))))
I am so sorry. I know what you mean about not being able to face nor bear her absence, but with time it will get a bit better...I know that doesn't help NOW, but knowing that you are not alone I hope will help you.

My mother passed on February 6th of this year at the age of 55 from cancer and my b-day was June 29th and it was my first without her. It is horribly heartbreaking to face different events without her being here, but knowing she is out of the immense pain helps to soothe my aching heart and I hope, eventually, it can do the same for you.

Sorry, I don't mean to hi-jack your thread, I just want you to know that you are not alone.

Cancer is a terrible way to pass and it hurts to watch our loved ones go through it, I know.

You can keep talking here if it helps, as it helped me get through my loss.

[Der_Sohn_des_Leides]

Hi S,

I am so sorry for your loss and, unfortunately for me, I'm familiar with what you're going through right now. My mom passed away June 16th 2005 when I was 17, only a bit over a week after I graduated high school. I know what you mean when you say you can't bear the fact that your mom won't be with you for major events in your life. My first year in college was a living hell because of my grief. I don't even know why I went straight into college after the tragedies I experienced that year. But that's another story. The only way I've found to deal with the fact that my mom won't be physically present with me during important times of my life is the knowledge that she lives on in my heart, hopes, and ambitions. She and I were all the family we really had (not literally, but figuratively speaking), and I know that since I'm doing the best I can with my life right now, she would be proud of me. I hope you can find a similar feeling; your mother will live on in your memories and your heart.

I also understand what it's like to be unable to discuss grief in real life with friends or family. I always choked up whenever I talked about her, and often still do.

Knowing the pain that your mother experienced during her last days is also very tough. My mother died of a heart attack: she couldn't breathe and was kicking and screaming for air. I can't imagine, nor do I want to imagine, the misery she was in during her last moments on earth. The one consolation is that our mothers will never have to feel that pain again.

I'm starting to get choked up right now, so I'm going to end this entry. My thoughts are with you. Take care of yourself.



J

[italianguy]

Hi everybody,

thanks for you all for sharing with me your stories, I really appreciate that. This makes me feel a little less alone. I'm also very sorry for your losses. I hope time will help to heal so deep scars of all of us.

I don't know if this happens or has happened to you too, but do you ever have the feeling you are living like in a "parallel world"? I have this strange feeling, she's not gone, she is somewhere and she is going to be back home, because it just can't be otherwise, so it's like you're living waiting for her to come back?

Since my mom has passed away I can't do things I used to enjoy when she was here. For example I don't listen to the music, I don't read books, I don't call anyone but my three or four closest friends, I don't watch movies and so on. Is this normal? Do you think is it better keeping busy, doing the things I used to and try to move on, even if I don't want to or just wait that everything comes "back to normal" according to how I feel?

Thanks in advance for your suggestions. My thoughts are with you all.

Saluti.
S.

[onlymedid]

((((((S))))))

YES! For the first few months it was as though mom was "on vacation" and she would be back soon.

Sometimes I get a guilt feeling when I do something fun or something she would have enjoyed. I don't know if you get that way or not?

For me, the only thing that really helped get through everything was going to work, believe it or not.....it kept my mind occupied.

I know it's tough, but I am glad you are talking about it.

[italianguy]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
onlymedid said:

Sometimes I get a guilt feeling when I do something fun or something she would have enjoyed. I don't know if you get that way or not?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, I feel not only guilty, but it's like I'm not honoring my mom's memory, ignoring what she've been through. I would respect with silence the pain of a person aching. I think that kind of respect is owed to my mom too. Maybe this is a nonsense, and, please, let me notice that if it is. Perhaps this feeling will go away with time.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
onlymedid said:
For me, the only thing that really helped get through everything was going to work, believe it or not.....it kept my mind occupied.

I know it's tough, but I am glad you are talking about it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I've tried and I'm trying to study but I lose my concentration after a few pages and I'm not able to go on. I don't know what to do. Were you able to work with concentration and focused on what you were doing?

Thanks again for your answers.

Saluti a tutti.
S.

[vetswife]

I would say that things that need extreme concentration (studding), would be almost impossible. Work for me is so repetitive I don't have to think about it. You should try to keep up on studdies though! Try studing with a few friends so your mind doesn't wonder. Take baby steps if you have to but definitely start doing the things you use to do, I don't think she would want you to sit there and do nothing. I always liked a funny movie, they always cheered me up (stay away from depressing ones). If your Mom had some goals for you maybe it would make you feel better if you fulfilled some of them. I'm sure she would have wanted you to finish school.

Definitely, keep busy!

[Der_Sohn_des_Leides]

For the first several months after my mom's passing, I felt as if she were just gone for a little while and would be back eventually. Now I've come to terms with the reality of the situation. However, every so often I have dreams where she has 'returned' from wherever she has been, and I wake up feeling really confused.

I think it's entirely natural to feel bad enjoying yourself so recently after your mother's passing. It gets easier with time. I found that the best thing for my grief was spending time with other people, and if I ever needed to , allow myself to feel sad and cry.

Realize that this will get better with time.Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and take good care of yourself (eat well, get plenty of sleep, and exercise if you can). My thoughts are with you.

Take care,



J

[italianguy]

Hi everybody,

thank you again for your answers and suggestions. I often hear from my friends and people around me that there will be good days and bad days. Today is definitely a bad one. I've felt kind of depressed since yesterday. I would like not having people around. They just irritate me. My friends invited me to a study session, but I am not in the mood at all and I'd rather be alone instead. Everything is flowing slowly today, maybe because I feel sleepy too. I didn't rest enough last night and I dreamt about my mom. She was sick in my dreams too.
Everything seems to be so hard to do today and I don't know how to react. I don't know if I have to allow myself to feel so blue or if I should try to see my friends and do things.

Thank you all, again.
Saluti!
S.

[vetswife]

Sometimes it's good to just cry and get it out of your system. I found that letting myself cry once in a while, I can get on with the rest of my day. You miss your Mom, it's okay to cry and be sad.

[cibomatto]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[BalishBun]

I'm sure your mother loved you very much, I can see it is devastating. After all, she was the person that brought you into this world. I am sure she is looking down upon you and is very proud of you. I hope the best for you and that the pain will subside. I am so very sorry.