Like something is dying
And I watch but there is nothing I can do.
Endings are supposed to be new beginnings
But it doesn't feel that way
It doesn't feel that way.

Change can be painful.
I know not all change is bad
Not all change is good
But it can be painful anyway.

I suppose I worry that it will die.
I should have more faith
I should have more faith
But maybe I am divorcing myself emotionally
Because there is nothing I can do.

Silly to get attached anyway.
But I guess it was a first for me.

It will all blow over.
Won't it?

[wisewoman]

Thanks for sharing, Intense feelings of sadness do change, as will yours, but it hurts now. The should thing makes it harder on us. We do the best we can, no should okay? It passes in intensity and the space it takes in our soul, it changes and grows and helps us grow somehow. Grief.

[Mahali]

Alexandra,

I can't add much to what wisewoman has said. Time will make the loss easier. Although I know that is difficult to believe right now. Please take wisewoman's advice and do not dwell on the should haves. This only causes more pain.

Please take care.

Thanks to the both of you.

I guess I was just grieving that things change. Change can be so very hard for me sometimes. Something happens and I think 'this is monumental - things will never be the same again'. But things pass. That is not to undermine the impact that some things have, but a little time and it isn't so bad it isn't so hard.

Life can be funny sometimes.
Sometimes I wish it could have all just stopped
Stood still
Some time when I was a kid and felt happy.
Not that I have much memory of that
But there must have been a time...

Growing up is a mixed blessing.
Change is a mixed blessing.
Endings are a mixed blessing.

But it is ok to grieve sometimes.
I am just starting to see that.
It is ok to grieve sometimes.

[Mahali]

Alexandra,
I agree it is absolutely Ok to grieve sometimes. I too hate change, although I never wish for a return to my childhood. I do sometimes wish I could find and stay in a simpler time.
Grief is a cleansing process. It seems terrible when you travel through it but the trip is sometimes needed.

Take care.

place

Yeah. I am just learning that it is ok to grieve. That I won't die if I let it out sometimes. I found mindfulness really helpful there. To just feel it without trying to cling to it or push it away. I have a lot to grieve for still, but at least I have started. It is hard. It feels sad. But I feel kind of centered as well. Sometimes...

Yeah, maybe it isn't childhood so much for me either (I really can't remember much that was good or happy). You put it well 'a simpler time'. That was beautiful.

:-)

You take care too.

[wisewoman]

I get the grieving thing. Been doing it a while. I grieve now for many passages. it needs to be expressed.

[Mahali]

Alexandra,
Grieving will help to center you as you pass through it.
It is the trying to avoid grief that will throw you into uncontrolled spirals. This is not to say grief is easy. It is sad and painful and tiring but it is also healing.

You state it so well..."to just feel it without trying to cling to it or push it away." Very sound advice.

I hope you are finding some peace.

Take care. I will too thank-you. A hug if OK? ((Alexandra))

place

Thank you both.

Wisewoman. Yeah, it does need to be expressed. It can feel healing to express it at times. I used to think that if I really let myself feel it then it would never stop. But it comes and goes in waves, and it isn't more than I can bear.

Yeah. I have yet to see whether letting it out will help me not get so depressed. But I guess that is the theory, eh? I think it does come out in negative ways...

I like hugs.

((Place))
((Wisewoman)) (hope you don't mind).

Thanks guys.

[wisewoman]

Hi alexandra, It feels more then you can bear, it is gut wrenching grief that makes us question our lives and beliefs. Somehow we hold onto the knowing that it softens and turns with time. Crying and sobbing and looking at it from all directions is good. But, we first must recognize that it is severe pain and changes our lives. Then we can move on. I do like hugs, just am a little weary of the cyber hug thing. But I take your hugs and return my own to you for strength on your journey.

[TheCheshireCat]

Hi Alex,
I've spent much of the past seven years grieving, when my marriage ended after nine years. It does get easier, luv, but it is a painfully slow process. I think only now am I starting to put it in the rearview and hope that will somehow magically strike a second time. For the longest period I'd given up on that idea. Thought I'd had my chance and blown it. But now I'm thinking maybe -- just maybe -- not. Ta. Cheshire Cat

[SweetCrusader]

Great poem. I've felt this way in many situations in my life.

*safe hugs* ONLY if wanted

[Mahali]

(((((Alexandra)))),
Hope you are doing OK.

Take care.

Thanks for the hugs.

place

[Joepesto]

Alexandra, thank you for your words. You have expressed that which I find difficult to do. I too am grieving and sometimes it seems never ending. I lost a lot of big things in a short period of time. At times I really dont want to see what tomarrow looks like but somehow I hang in there and tomarrow is not so bad. Yesterday sucked, but that is another story

About a year has passed since all of the turmoil and, slowly, very slowly I am feeling better. When my mind wanders back to my marriage I think of the good things I miss about my companion, the hiking and fun we used to have. Then unfortuately, I remember the bad things that caused the divorce and the horror of the procedure and the greed and uglyness of the lawyers. Ick. Then I think, jeeze, I am lucky to have lived through everything.

I think grieving is a life long process and its intensity diminishes over time. I will always miss my mom and dad, but not so much as I did when they died. Except my Dad who died last year. Well, I am rambling. You sound like your handling it very well.

A couple of other notes. Our society does not know how to grieve or how to understand the grieving process. We are expected to get right back up and go to work the very next day with smiles on our face like nothing happened. It is so unrealistic. I found my divorce hurt just as much if not more than the loss of my parents, except the person did'nt die.

And Finally, welcome the tears when they come. For me, they came infrequently and at odd times. They were intense but felt good. I still feel sad and I am very alone. But my little cat helps alot. Take Care.

Joe

Wisewoman - The pain can be most severe at times. It can be really really hard. Sometimes I wonder whether things will ever feel any better for me and I wonder whether there really is any hope. gg said something to me once that really helped me with that. She said her therapist told her this but anyway - my understanding of the point was that it isn’t about trying to minimise or avoid the pain or turn away from it. It is about the rest of us getting bigger so that while it will always be a part of us it will be a smaller and more manageable part. That that is what getting better is about. I shall try to remember to be careful with the cyber hugs… I am the opposite, a bit funny about hugs in real life (unless I know someone really well) but happy enough to give cyber hugs to people. Thanks for the gentle hug back.

Cheshire Cat - Hello Mr. I didn’t know about your marriage. I am sorry. Relationships can be hard. But I really don’t believe that we only get one shot at them. I dare say that you will fall in love again. You are just too charming not to.

Sweetcrusader – OMG you are right. I actually did write a poem. Wow. I didn’t think I did that. I guess I do sometimes. More prose in short form, but yeah, poetry. Well I never… Thanks! *Safe hugs* to you too, sweetie. I like hugs.

Place – I am doing ok. Thanks. You take care too. Hugs whenever you want, ok?

Joe – Yeah, sometimes the grief does seem to be never ending… Sometimes one day at a time is the best way. Don’t get too caught up in tomorrows and yesterdays. We are all ok right now in the present moment. The present moment is eternal… it is *always* *now*. I have decided to get back into my meditation stuff. I had become a bit slack with it, but I really find it helps me feel more peaceful and relaxed. It sounds like you are doing great (though I understand it is still really painful). A year is not a long time in the grand scheme of things.

Yeah, things will get better. I have faith and hope that things will get better. The pain will always be there, but the suffering will cease. I shall try to welcome the tears. They can bring a sense of release. Thank you for your response.

[Maya]

This has been a beautiful series of postings. I, too, am grieving and have not yet learned how to express it. I keep myself bottled up, locked up tight and as long as I do that I cannot "get over it". My T is helping me learn how to grieve, how to let myself go. I am still grieving over my best friend who died in 1988 - I still miss him but I know a part of him lives on inside of me and will always be with me. He is my guardian angel, now. I think all of he comments on this thread have been so heartfelt and so compassionate it brings me to tears. Thank you all and thank you, Alexandra, for starting the thread in the first place.

And thank you to you for joining in.

Learning to grieve can be hard. I am fairly new to it myself. And all the stuff I say about letting it happen without pushing it away or clinging to it is more what I think I am *supposed* to do than what I actually manage to do a lot of the time...

Sometimes it is like that and it feels beautiful and healing. But I have a lot of anger there as well, and that scaires me immensely and I am really not ready to go there yet.

I am reminded of a saying though I have no idea who said it:

It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Though it hurts like hell.

Hurts like hell.

[Maya]

Anger is a part of the grieving process as well as sadness. We need to learn to release the anger in order to completely heal. But you are right, it is, oh, so hard and it does hurt like hell. Don't worry about what people say you are supposed to do or feel - you are you and you need to do what feels right to and for you. My T has been my lifesaver throughout all of this. I told him the analogy that he is in the liferaft and I am tossed overboard by a wave and he has thrown me the lifeline but the wind and tide keeps blowing it away from me so I have to swim in order to reach it so he can pull be back on the boat of life. I am still swimming, thanks to his wonderful, compassionate wisdom. Keep swimming for that lifeline - you will get there.

[Mahali]

Yes, anger is a very important part of the grieving process.

When you say that not clinging or pushing it away is what you think you should do, (or something like that) and not actually what you are doing that is OK too. Keep trying to let the grief just be. Talk about the loss as much as possible. Someday the pain will be less and the good memories will so much out weigh the bad.

So talk, cry, and reach for peace it is there somewhere.