When Parenting Styles Clash.

I wasn't sure whether to put this is relationships or here and I'm sorry if this is long. I'm always puzzled by this dilemma of how to handle things when different parenting styles come up. I know it better if both parents can be a 'united front'. Usually if I disagree, I ask myself "is it worth the trouble of saying anything"?

Last night my youngest was going out for a walk with her father and Bella. We have a control panel on the frame of the garage, with a key pad - you just key in the numbers and it closes. It was night time BTW. Her father wanted my 8 yr old to close the garage. She didn't want to because there's usually spiders around that area.

I'm inside and go out to put something in the recycle box - to my surprise they are at a 'stand off' near the garage door. He insists she close it despite her fear and she doesn't want to. He's mentally coercing her and she's crying. Usually if I interject, then I get in the fight but I couldn't stand it. He said if she doesn't confront her fears she'll be scared all her life and not be able to deal with spiders. I said "I'm scared of them but can kill them if needed. Then he said "fine go in your house and you'll be afraid to come out all your life." He handed me the dog leash and takes off in his car without a "goodbye". How completely childish.

My 8 yr old was crying. Later she called him and reminded him that she held a Tarantula and a big snake at a birthday party....that it wasn't nice to force her to do something she didn't want to do. Then she told him it was mean to just storm away.

Yes I'm a firm believer in confronting fears and know all about desensitization but that's not how you DO IT!!! A therapist wouldn't just plop a person in a room with spiders against their will. My style is 'gentle compliance but if they don't want to something, then I respect their feelings. He's afraid of snakes, so I don't think he would appreciate someone forcing him to go in a field where there's snakes. It's all so maddening and I have to remind myself that I think I made the right decision.

By storming off he is causing a scene and he is hoping next time you will back down because you wont want the scene. Its a form of bullying same as making her touch something she is scared of !

Carry on as you normally would and ignore his little outburst as if nothing has happened, he will soon get over it. However your daughter wouldnt of...

Just my thoughts.

Yes you're right Tishie. His storming off didn't have the affect he was hoping for anyway lol. We all watch a rented movie together and had a good night. My daughter also felt satisfied that she voiced her opinion. He's more childish than they are lol.

'Cornering a child' is cruel and ineffective.

Your 8 year old summed it up quite well:

Thanks Notz for your support. He was raised in a completely different way than I was. He was taught, kids should listen to their parents no matter what and his parents often physically abused their kids.

I like my girls to listen to me and they usually do, with gentle reassurance. I've also taught them, if they absolutely aren't comfortable with a situation, they should trust their feelings. Like I said before, I'm all for confronting fears but it has to be done in a supportive way and you need to look for clues the person is ready, to face their fears. If it's done wrong it could worsen the fear IMO.

I think your 8 year old learned a great deal from the confrontation; she also won't be afraid to confront a male in her future, knows what she knows and what she wants! That too usually doesn't get taught without the conflict? It sounds like she is not afraid of her father and the two of them are able to communicate "equally"?

I think there are many ways to do things and the important issue is everyone trying to understand the other's point of view and work with it. However, we all have difficulties with that, have to learn what works and what doesn't work. I don't think your husband will try to force his daughter again in that way, maybe even partially because he doesn't want to make her cry.

But it can be frustrating not to understand how "else" one is to learn not to become afraid of spiders; I could understand if there were spiders around the place she had to touch that she saw and were objecting to specifically, but she was just objecting to the "might be" of the situation, it sounds like to me and that can be dangerous, in my experience, dealing with anxiety and fear. Being afraid of the might be can make one afraid to be afraid and I've been there, done that, got the teeshirt but didn't get over it until my 50's!

"But it can be frustrating not to understand how "else" one is to learn not to become afraid of spiders; I could understand if there were spiders around the place she had to touch that she saw and were objecting to specifically, but she was just objecting to the "might be" of the situation, it sounds like to me and that can be dangerous, in my experience, dealing with anxiety and fear. Being afraid of the might be can make one afraid to be afraid and I've been there, done that, got the teeshirt but didn't get over it until my 50's!"
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I've been here a year and haven't mastered, how to quote a portion of a post yet lol...did it once but don't know how I did it.

Anyway I get what you're saying in that paragraph. You're right, there wasn't a spider on the control pad, but webs over head so it was a 'might be' situation' and I agree those situations can be negotiated. For example if she want's something in the basement at night, she's afraid to go down and turn on a light. Recently with some encouragement, she can do this now. She likes bugs, not bees or spiders but has held a Tarantula(go figure lol)

I realize part of this fear could be from me, because I get creeped out by them too and we have so many around here. I've tried not to transfer my fear to her. Plus the other day she picked up a shirt off the floor and there was a large spider. So I understand what you're saying about fears and not carrying this around until she's a woman.

maybe it's a dad thing since my dad tried to do the whole "confront your fears" thing with me once (except it involved a thunderstorm) it didn't help at all since I was just freaking out the whole time and he did get frustrated and stopped. Generally speaking though he's always been really gentle about those sorts of thing, I think at the time he just underestimated just how bad my phobia was. (at least he's better then my brother who used to exploit my fears and didn't stop even though my parents didn't like it when he did that.) I've also had my step-dad storm off on numerous occasions and it is really childish but he only does that because he believes that if he does stick around in those situations he'd lose it and he doesn't want that to happen.

While I understand what your husband was trying to do, I cannot say I agree with his method. I'm sure you daughter meant that it wasn't nice to try to force her to do something she was afraid of.

I know that you and hubby have issues, but where do you and he stand on the parenting issue? Can you sit down and discuss this privately? My husband is an excellent father, but it's an ongoing process -- did you know you could have gotten the same result with fewer hard feelings if you would have said this instead--.

Most of the time he's okay but occasionally different issues in styles will come up. He has a temper problem and then common sense flies out the window. Luckily he's not around very much and I consider myself the primary parent For example he doesn't believe in sleepovers, so my girls have never done this. I happen to think it's okay in a controlled setting with families I know well. Since it's not a major issue for me I accept his belief. Last year I managed to negotiate for my older daughter to go to a 3 day/night leader camp she was awarded through the school - victory for me and daughter.

The other night he was being pushy where my youngest was getting upset and frightened. I understand he doesn't want her to be afraid but I don't think you can confront a person's fear under duress. The scared person needs to be willing to cooperate in a 'supportive atmosphere'. He doesn't like it when I interfere when he's trying to parent and I respect this, to a point.

He definitely has major psychological and behavioral issues himself. He can be the most charming kind person to some and then be very mean/ intimidating. Many of my friends here know my difficult circumstances. I think fears need to be dealt with gently or else the person can end up more fearful I think. I feel it's great to challenge fears in the right way. He's not always easy to talk to - very unpredictable. Sometimes he behaves like a typical chauvinist "it's my way or there's hell to pay".

I came into this marriage with baggage. I love my husband dearly, and he would never knowingly harm our children physically or mentally, but still I have issues. For many years he resented the fact I did not trust him to be the disciplinarian.

I always said that I would honor my kids' opinions and never use "because I said so". That was not realistic. You can explain to a child until you are blue in the face that good dental hygiene is important, but they just don't care. So... you do it because I say so.

I hope that you continue to encourage your children to stand up for themselves and voice their beliefs. But I do hope that you insist that they show him the respect he is due simply being their father. My husband and I worked out a system that my kids actually figured out about 12. If he is speaking to them in a tone I do not like, I will say something completely off topic which is a signal that we need to talk privately.

Thanks for pointing this out ((AAAAA)). I know you're aware of my difficult situation and I think most women in my shoes would have handled this situation more harshly for sure. I told him when this 1st happened that I would encourage things to be the same for him and the kids. The girls know they need to show respect for their father.

That's a clever signal you and hubby worked out. Usually the only time we have different opinions about the kids is when he loses his cool. I usually stay out of conflicts and let him handle it, but occasionally he goes over the reasonable limit. When he reaches that point, there's no reasoning with him at all. If I disagree but can overlook it(not say anything), I can usually discuss it privately but he's not very flexible unfortunately. I realize it's not good for parents to disagree over an issue in front of the kids but I didn't know any other way to get her out of being cornered

The only time I can confront my fears against spiders is when I'm standing there with a can of bug spray in my hand. I always spray an area I know is full of spiders before I will ever touch it. It's just the smart thing to do is not touch where there are spiders.....spiders bite in the first place...I know, I have spider bites all over me this summer & they are just from those tiny light spiders that you wouldn't think could even bite.....but they do & the itch drives me crazy. It's not just fear of spiders, but wise not to stick your hand in an area where there are spiders.

I handed the guy who installed my heat pump unit the other week & huge full can of bug spray to kill the spiders before he went in to deal with the unit along with the OFF spray to spray on himself to keep the bugs off. He showed me the recluse spider bite he got a few years ago. Spiders are nothing to fool around with. One never knows when the spider might actually be dangerous. As a matter of fact, the black widows are not black when they are babies, they are white, then they become black with white stripes long before they ever become the black spider we recognize as being dangerous.....they are more dangerous when they are young & there are many babies in one spot after hatching out of the eggs.

I don't believe that your daughters fear is unfounded....it's more of a healthy respect for a bug that can definitely be dangerous & why stick your hand somewhere, just asking to be bit.

I put my hand into my mail box several weeks ago. Never saw the spider that bit me between my fingers, but it itches so bad for several days, I just couldn't stand it. The other day, I was walking across my field with the with open shoes.....ended up getting 2 huge bites on the arch of my foot. When I was a kid, I walked out under a tree in my parents back yard & a spider dangled down from the branch & was on my arm. Just as I saw it to brush it off, it bit me. Needless to say, there is nothing that will change my fear (or huge desire) to STAY AWAY from spiders. Just as much as I stay away from the huge wasps that keep buzzing around my house & find buzzing around my bedroom.

No need to ask for getting a bite or a sting just to "face your fears". It's really not so much fear as a good healthy respect for staying away from something that is known to bite & make you feel miserable with either itching or stinging.

Your daughter was wise to be able to stand up to her father & make sure that her wisdom of having a healthy fear & respect for staying away from where the possibility of getting bit by spiders existed.

That said, I like the way your daughter was able to stand up to her dad & also point out that his behavior was not appropriate either all is a very respectful way. That really impressed me with the way she handled herself & her dad. Not allowing herself to be pushed into something she knew wasn't ok & also pointing out that his behavior was mean in a very respectful way. You are teaching your children well while you are in such a difficult marriage situation.

Always remember that there are certain fears that should always continue to be a healthy respect for & a stay away from because of safety reasons which there is nothing wrong with. Sometimes those gut feelings that come across as fear are really our wisdom telling us not to take chances that could cause us problems & we should never be pushed to give in on things like that.

Thanks Eskie - for your wise post. My husbands afraid of snakes - so I don't think he would go into a field that had a good chance of having snakes. It was night time and above that area there was this gross circular web with one of those bulgy body spiders. She was also tired from my oldest daughter having friends over earlier. She also got stung by a bee for the 1st time 2 days prior. I think he gets very triggered when people don't listen to him.

One time I got a spider bite and had a strange reaction. Spiders venom had pre-digestive enzymes in it so the wound get festering and spreading. I had to get treated by a doctor.

(((Lynn))) I know you're in a very difficult situation, and frankly I have no idea how I'd handle it, surely not as well as you do. It sounds like your children will have to learn effective communication tools much sooner than another would.

I would suggest talking about it with your daughter, without making dad the bad guy. Express that he loves her etc etc etc, and he was trying to "help" her. Teacher her to use "me" statements rather than "you" statements. "It made me feel like you didn't care that I was scared when you left" rather than "it was mean that you left."

I'm so sorry that you don't have a more postive parenting partner.

Yes I admit they were both pretty mad after that happened. I told her later, that he just wanted her to be brave and not be afraid of things. That's a good point you made about teaching her to make 'me' statements rather than calling him a name(mean). They know he loves them and at least this is only a very occasional problem. Most of the time when he here, he's a good father and that's why I encourage them to maintain their relationship despite what's happened in our marriage.

You do an outstanding job with your girls. I don't think I could separate what he's done to the family as a whole with his parenting skills. His actions have the potential to give your daughters serious issues with men, but you are able to keep them grounded. Kudos to you!

Once again you make a good point AAAAA. I wonder about this often..what impact will this have on their ability to trust men. Will they be inclined to pick men who'll hurt them or will they go the opposite and have a hard time trusting even good men. They know they should never tolerate this decision from a man but they understand this is a cultural thing. This is one of the beliefs I don't condone but if someone else wants to do this, that's their business - as long as all parties consent. Both my girls have a strong personalities, so I don't think they'll take disrespect. I emphasize they need to always be capable of supporting themselves and learn from my mistake. I do hope they'll be able to trust fully though.

Take comfort in the fact that none of us are perfect. Even when you spend your life trying to do what is best for your children attempting to avoid the mistakes of your parents, you make your own. I think as long as your children know that they are loved and that we are all fallible things will work out.

Interesting because this was what I learned not from my mother telling me anything, but just from my mothers situation & how she lived her life (I learned more from their examples of what I didn't want to do than what I did want to do). So I got my degree & my career & I did like you with my daughter in emphasizing that she needed to be capable of supporting herself. Interesting thing is that is exactly what SHE DIDN"T DO. She can't support herself & is always dependent on having to live with someone else to be able to make her expenses (& even then she can't). Ugh, sometimes no matter how hard we try to teach them, they will end up doing their own thing. The joys & heart aches of being a parent.

Thanks for sharing ((AAAAA)) and ((Eskielover)). It's a tough job being a parent. All we can do is try our best and hope they make the right decisions. One thing I noticed is, both my girls are independent thinkers with good leadership qualities, so hopefully they'll make wise decisions when they're older.