The bigger they are the bigger the problems

My youngest son has just informed me that he and his gf are getting married when he comes home on his pre-deployment leave. I KNOW this is not my life, but that girl has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.

We've all discussed this, her parents are all for it. In their mind that is what a girl does, she gets married (or has a baby with someone). That's her job, her occupation; she finds a man to take care of her. I asked that she get through at least one year of college or working and living on her own. To give her a clue as to how it is to be on your own. Speaking from experience it is extremely difficult to be a military wife, and nearly impossible to be a good one. Add to that the fact that she has had such a sheltered and skewed up bringing I don't know where this will end up.

He was offered a very prestiguous duty, which would only advance his career both in the military and out. The only catch, he had to remain unmarried for the next three years. PERFECT I thought! He's safer, advancing in his choosen field, in the mean time she could go to college and she'd be just about finished when that duty ended. I would throw a parade for their wedding!

He called to say he was going to turn that opportunity down and that he was getting married. This one decision has made his career more difficult and his personal life. He's smart and has a good head on his shoulders.

Isn't it supposed to be a happy day when your first child gets married?

Not necessarily, as you can see. You're right, once our kids are officially grown, they can worry us even more. I wouldn't be surprised if one of my sons didn't just call me one day and say, "I'm married!" However, they both affirm that they plan to finish college first.

Yes, your son sounds like he has made a poor choice, but it is his life and he will lie on the bed he has made. Oh, dear, I'm sounding like my own mother!

I was 32 when I told my parents I was getting married. They were not happy with my choice. (My T told me they wouldn't be happy with anyone. Truth is, they didn't ever want me to marry. I was supposed to be the daughter who stayed single and looked after them.) But I have been married to the same guy for 24 years and we have two wonderful children. No, he's not perfect. But I'm lucky, to be honest, that HE has stayed with me.

Let's hope your perception is wrong. But for his sake, I think it would be nice to show up at the wedding with a smile. And if you do cry, remember that it's expected of the mothers!

I really have tried to disect this and determine if this is "no one is good enough for my child". I truly do not think this is the case. The girl is perfectly sweet, but has the maturity of a toddler. And she's very maluable. Her mother is bat-crap crazy and I am concerned. The girl has never handled money in her life. My son will now be giving her the ability to obligate him to debt that he will have no knowledge of while he is deployed for 6 - 9 months.

Her mother is mentally abusive, tells her she's ugly (she's not) and fat (Good God no), etc. She has such issues with even water that when we brought ther to San Diego to his boot camp graduation she was so dehydrated that she was tenting! He loves her and feels her only way out is to marry him. My concern is that she sees it the same way. Does she love him? Or is this a way out of a horrible situation?

I PRAY that she surprises me, that she finds some strength and courage. Right now this situation is no where near equal. He spoke to her last fall and said that she should get a job to 1) get her out of the house and meet some new people 2)save money for their wedding since they will get no financial support from her parents 3) Learn how to manager her money. My place of employement was willing to hire her site unseen. All she had to do was fill out an application. She did not.

In the meantime, he is saving literally every penny he makes to set up household for them. He will not drink soda because they no longer offer it in the mess and he isn't willing to pay for it. He sends her a bit of money every check, how much I do not know. None of my business. BUT, a co-worker comes in to work and tells me that she (future DIL) called her daughter and asked her to go to the fair with her. Daughter said she couldn't afford it and my future DIL says she'll pay because she doesn't want to go alone!

Please don't share your feelings to your son. It's terribly hard to love someone that your family does't like. Trust your son to make his own mistakes. Before he gets married have him set up 2 accounts. The primary account has his check deposited and his bills automatically deducted. The second account can be set up to transfer "food/play money" from the primary account.

I ask you to really go out of your way to treat her and love her like a family member. As hard as my husband tries he will never be accepted into my family. This has made me feel like an outsider and avoid family situations. It's a horrible thing because before I was dad's little girl.

Well Miguel’smom, that ship has sailed. We are very close as a family and are brutally honest with one another. I have had the same concerns since he decided to marry her over a year ago. I’m not opposed to him marrying her mind you. She’s a very sweet girl and once she matures I’m sure she’ll make him a wonderful wife. I’d just like to see her live on her own a bit either going to college or working, to learn some life skills and priorities.

One of the major problems is that I know from experience how difficult it is to be a military wife. I know how hard it is to go from your parent’s home to your husband’s. I was a lot more mature than she is and was raised in a military family so I knew what to expect and it was still difficult to swallow the fact that his job will always come first. It doesn’t matter what is going on at home. My husband was shipped out when our second child was 2 weeks old to get training that was going to be offered on our base a mere week later. It didn’t matter. They wanted him trained on that equipment then and that is it.

She’s been very sheltered and raised with what I believe to be archaic values and expectations. The man goes to work and the woman stays home, looks pretty, keeps the house clean and raises the children (my hand to God, her mother told me this herself). It will take two incomes to make a military family work. She will likely make more money than he working a minimum wage job. But more importantly she hasn’t learned the difference between wants and needs yet. Just four months ago she was literally crying because her father told that $800 was too much to pay for a prom dress that she would wear only one time. We live in a rural area, the average for a formal is about $150. My son bought her the dress.

I also have concerns about my son being able establish these kinds of boundaries. When he first started talking about marrying her, I told him that I thought HE would be ready to get married when he could tell her: “no, we cannot afford that.” When he could make good choices for their life in the long run, rather than satisfy that impulsive desire.

As I mentioned we are a very close loving family. We have included her in every trip to visit our son. We invite her to all family dinners and outings even though my son is not here. She has been included since this relationship became serious. Once they say “I do” she will be family, with all of the privileges and baggage that entails. She wants to live here with us after they’re married while my son is deployed overseas. She’s welcome to live here, I just don’t want her mother dropping by whenever she gets the urge. That woman is bat-crap crazy and I can only handle her in VERY small doses.

It is very difficult to see your children take such a difficult path.

Well now I am trying to build a bridge. The girl and I had a pretty good conversation the day after he asked her father's blessing for the marriage. Since then he's asked if she's contacted me (actually he's asked his father and all of his siblings as well). The answer is no she has not. I'm not going to lie to him but I'm not going to make this any harder on him than it has to be. He loves his family dearly and wants her to be a part of our lives. I told him that I haven't gotten a hold of her either, that the phone works both ways. That we both need a minute to digest what is going on. She'll contact one of us again when she's ready.

He's been asking all of his friends what my reation was when they asked about the upcoming marriage. I told him flat out that its the same as the one I gave him when he called, I wish they'd wait but I only want him to be happy, if he's happy I'm happy. He says that's no answer but it's the only one I have for him

I have / had a close family too but I choose my husband and son over my family because of these types of issues. I'm very glad you are treating her like family (as my family does with my husband) but she may feel like an outsider with all the negativity surrounding who she is as a person. I'm very glad you are trying your best.

Yes your son is going to get crappy pay (about $9 hr.) but it's salary so far less than that. That's ridiculously low pay for his job but it is a decent income and most families I know can/do live on income lower than that or military incomes. He'll also get BHA. He has chosen that field and yes as a Military wife you understand the difficulty. It is her belief that woman stay in the home. As much as you don't agree with it that's how they want their family unit. (If you PM me I can give you some $ tips for them.)

As for living on an income and needs vs. wants that skill comes with time whether it's individually or as a couple. IMHO, it is not his right to tell her No. She is not his child and that is joint money.

She wants to live here with us after they’re married while my son is deployed overseas. As for living with you I'd charge rent (So, you can have a cushion when your son is in a tight spot) and require her to attend Community college / vocational school (full time, all three semesters) for the length of time he's deployed. That way she can get child care degree. At-home childcare is a career that fits the military, her religious believes, provides more income into the house-hold and is good for future children She can also take a finance class or two and a cooking minor. You may possibly ask her to get a part-time job in a "woman's field" as she will not be having children under your roof.

I understand choosing to live in poverty is hard for parents to digest but trust that you raised him well and that he knows what will make him happy. I'm sorry that your going through this hopefully with time she'll grow into a partner that you want your son to have. I know several spoiled children that grew fast once becoming military wives.

I never ever want my son to be in the position of choosing his wife or the rest of his family. My husband and I have also been in that position so I know the heartache and resentment it can cause.

I agree with you entirely that she is his wife and not his child. I cannot tell you how much this grates on my nerves. Her mother is a real piece of work. This is how she grew up. Dad calls the shots so that mom does not have to take any responsibility for any decisions. Whether I like it or not, that is the relationship that they will have to have until she grows up a little bit. My son will never be a tyrant. In fact quite the opposite, I fear he will make some bad financial decisions in the meantime just to make her happy. He has to be able to tell himself no when it comes to her as well.

She is part of the family; I could never charge her rent any more than I could charge any of my other children. This is their home, they are always welcome here no questions asked. I do however expect my son to take this into consideration when he is setting up his accounts. I also immediately told him there must be two, one for her to have some spending money and one to make sure that they have money to set up a household once he returns. He’s pretty financially savvy, except when it comes to her. At 18 years old he set up two retirement accounts. My major concern is her ability to open credit card accounts while he is overseas. Her mother has already been whispering in her ear about this. This could affect his security clearance. He’s already giving up a fabulous opportunity to get married; I do not want her lack of experience to inadvertently cause him more hardships. For the record, I know that this was 100% his choice. HE gave it up.

It is difficult for me to wrap my head around this notion of having a man support you. With the exception of when my husband was in the military, he has always made more money than I have, much more. But it isn’t the amount that is an issue, I never had less of a say because I made less money. My mother worked, my grandmother worked, my great-grandmother worked. My daughter is a full time grad student, has a full time job, a part time job and her internship. In my family it’s what you do to help support your family. We are strong independent women. My frustration, and his, is that they’ve been planning on getting married for the last two years. Right now she has no other obligations. This is the time to squirrel it away to make a nest egg. It’s not the money; it is the utter lack of any effort to achieve your goals. I know I keep comparing her to me, but I was also a young wife. But I prepared to be married. My major Christmas present when I was 17 was a Microwave (a big deal in 1985). I was filling my hope chest with linens, towels, dishes, silverware, pots and pans.

I guess I just question her dedication to this marriage. In our family divorce is not an option. A commitment means something. New is not better it is just a new set of problems. In her family relationships are disposable. If you’re not happy you move on. Her family tree is like Sherwood forest on both sides. Her mother has three older children from other marriages. One child she adopted from her last marriage, once her marriage was over so was the relationship with her adopted daughter. A girl she raised from a toddler for 8 years!!! Her father has several children with several previous wives. We were at dinner once, and my daughter says to FDIL “hey isn’t that your sister over there (from her father’s last marriage).” FDIL says “I think so, we don’t really know each other.” They are SIX years apart in age! How do you not KNOW you’re sister? We live in a rural area. Population less than 1,000! Her older sisters from her mother all have at least two children by different men.

She really is a sweet girl. It’s not her fault she was raised by wolves. Simple things we take for granted amaze her. We went out for dinner another time (without the son she’s marrying) and his twin asked to stop at the comic book store because he was reading some series with an alternate universe. I don’t know. I asked him what the difference between the two of them was, he explained. Hubby made a few comments about the differences from when he read them. Oldest son voiced his opinion, daughter weighed in (there is a great war between Spiderman vs. Batman in our family it’s a thing). The whole conversation took less than five minutes. When he came out I asked if they had what he was looking for. Conversation over. When my son called her later that evening to ask how dinner went, FDIL was amazed at how interested we were in our children and what they were into. She went on and on for an hour on a five minute conversation. Son called me later to ask what happened. I had no idea what he was talking about. This is just everyday life for us.

I'm going to answer but it's going to be long so I need to wait until I'm on a proper computer sorry.

This isn't nearly as long as the one that got erased, sorry.

I'm glad to hear that you'll work your best not to make him feel he has to choose between happiness and family. It sounds like as fast as she moves in with you she'll be able to grow. He may make some bad financial decision but that goes with the territory.

This is how she was raised. You'll have to teach her to be independent but in a kid-friendly way. You should urge her to get a childcare degree and work in a daycare to get experience in how she wants to raise her own children. While your son is deployed. Finding a career that's in home work like this does not go against any of her beliefs. She has achieved her goals in life, marrying your son. Now you need to help her find a new goal. I know it's grating to see people not use “common cents”. My family refuses to give me or my family anything practical for Christmas or birthdays.

Divorce is not an option in my family either. That is why per-marriage and post marriage therapy is important. My pastor refused to marry anyone that did not go to 16 weekly intensive couples therapy. He urged newly weds to do at least monthly therapy for the first year. Money/ credit cards would be handled here.

Most families are not like yours. Take it as a complement. Most of my son's friends are amazed at our family too. It's sad but reality.

Our pastor also required us to go through couple's councelling before we got married. At that time he told us he saw some of the things that were going to give us trouble in the future, and you know what he was 100% right.

We have been trying to plan the wedding on our end to make this easier for our son. His future MIL stuck her nose in (although they are not planning on contributing financially to anything) and now things are at a stand still. Laws do not apply to this woman! We've told her in this state you have to get the marriage licence a minimum of five days before he can legally get married. That time is with the military waiver that they have. She keeps overlooking these hurdles as if they do not exist. My son will be home for a total of 12 days. He will arrive on a weekend, so that means that he cannot get married until he has been home 7 days. That does not leave us any wiggle room at all. My son does not know what is going on. Yesterday I had the worst day at work I have ever had. He heard about it and called to cheer me up. But unfortunately, my patience were gone, so when we got around to the topic of the weeding things went downhill. He doesn't know, FDIL is deferring to her mother, he cannot get FMIL on the phone, when he does, she doesn't listen to things like time limits and people need time to make vacation and travel arrangements. So I said, ok, this is your deal now. Tell me when and where to show up and I will make every effort to be there. My schedule is made six weeks in advance. If I cannot tell my GM what days I need off soon, I may not have that day off. Not one of my finer parenting moments.

My parents didn't approve of the woman I married, so I didn't tell them. They figured it out around two years after the fact.

Wow how did it take them so long to know?

God has a sense of humor!

Text from unknown number: Hi
Me: Hello, who is this?
Caller: Amber (FDIL)
Me: Oh, hey Amber did you get a new phone?
Caller: Ya, I got a touch screen
Me: New number too?
Caller: ya

15 minutes of random small talk

Me: So any ideas about the wedding yet?
Caller: For who?
Me: You and Peanut

Phone rings from same number: Is Shelby there?

And you have the patience of a saint!!

I bet that made your day better

I didn't tell them. What was surprising was that they guessed.

What are the odds of a random stranger having the same name as FDIL and texting me?

Inedible - they knew about the relationship but not the marriage? Isn't that type of thing posted in the newspaper?

I ask because this fall a co-worker discovered that she had two grandchildren ages 7 & 3. Ok, she has a son, I can almost understand that. But the ODD thing was that her son still lived with the mother of his children, they were STILL in a relationship. How do you not notice that your son has two children living with him? Babies require stuff. Lots of stuff. In seven years (age of the oldest) you never once noticed a toy, diaper bag, wipes anything to indicate that there was a child in the house? How bad does your relationship with your mother have to be that you would not tell her you had not one but TWO kids.

I was shopping for my birthday Friday at my current favorite store, Office Depot, and my husband sat down to take a call from our son. His language was not appropriate for a store and this was supposed to be a happy day so I took the phone and spoke to my son. No firm plans had been made in the 8 weeks since FDIL and her mother took over. Her mother decided that they would be married on the 20th. This woman never listens! My son would be on a plane back to his base on the 20th! He could not get married then!!!!

I told my son that I would have a wedding planned by Monday. That there would be a wedding on the 14th. If FDIL wanted to get married she could show up or we'd just have one hell of a send off party for him. When we got home I called FDIL. I was kind but I let her know in no uncertain terms that we had to get on the ball here. If her Pastor was unable to marry them on the 14th, then they would be married by a JOP at the reception venue. She really wanted to be married in her church, which I totally understand and support, but she had not even spoken to her Pastor yet!!!!

I gave her until Sunday evening to find out if her Pastor was able to marry them. Time was slipping away. They took over the plans for this wedding in mid January. As it is, I do not know if my brother will be able to attend now because the dates have changed many many times. His wife had her calander cleared in the beginning, but since it kept changing... well who knows. People need to get time off and make travel arrangements and the wedding was only a couple of weeks away. I gave her plans A, B, and C. All included the same caterer so I gave her a copy of the menu choices and let her decide the menu. It is her wedding after all.

Her Pastor can marry them on that day. We have the venue and meal planned out, deposits paid. Today we got the flowers ordered and gave her cake choices. I was a little put out when she was discussing decorations, the party planner did not have her color choice. Um, we are doing this by the seat of our pants here. We don't have time to order anything! The party planner luckily came up with a solution, white linens, with her color of ribbons around the decorations etc.

Her mother was being ... difficult. She was not helping the girl with anything, but definately had ideas on what SHE wanted. Too bad! Suck it up. You had two months to get something moving, and did nothing. Weddings don't just happen overnight! They waited so long that we do not have the three day block for the venue to decorate, so we must rely on the party planner to do it after the party scheduled there Saturday.

So the wedding is on, my son is less stressed. I am less stressed, and the Bride to be is happy as well. Her mother is just going to have to eat cake. (Which she will not have a choice in either!)

Nike should use you in their ads - you JUST DO IT!!! You are awesome! !!

Aw thanks (((Hankster))). I WAS going to sit back and watch this fail utterly. I thought that this would teach my son that maybe they should wait a little while. I did take the opportunity to point out to him that this would be the way his life will be for a while, always an excuse why the most simple task cannot be done. (You would not believe some of the things I've heard in the last few months!) But my son was the one that was being hurt by all of this. He had so many other things going on in his life that I had to do what would make him happy in the end. My love for him outweighed my need to teach them a lesson. I may have been wrong, but no one will be able to say that I did not do everything I could to start their life out as a success.

Photog confirmed just minutes ago.

There have been some giggles along the way. When we went in to order the flowers, my FDIL asked my opinion on what she should get. I told her that it was her choice, get what she wanted, I only like carnations, so I am of no help. The florist was mortified! We've had the same florist for 15 years. She looked at my husband and said "she only likes carnations? Why haven't you ever told me this? I need to know these things." I said "Maybe he's cheating on you, because I get carnations every year for my birthday, Mother's Day, Valentines Day and my Anniversary." Then she looked puzzled and said "then who do I make the bouquets of Roses for?" Our daughters :-) Good thing he wasn't cheating on me because she would have let the cat out of the bag.

More frustrations too. The latest is that FDIL's Mother is now "freaking out" (her words) because she's worried that she'll "out dress" me. WHAT? Who cares what I wear! My attire will be appropriate. I have bigger things to worry about than what to wear! I'm planning a wedding on virtually no notice. This is not MY day, this is their day. Wear what you want and I'll do the same. This woman is wearing me out!

On a side note, this is the first time I've ever had anything catered. Why have I never done this before? Normally I'm cooking for weeks before an event. The three days before are horrible. And some salads can only be prepared the day of the event. This is AWESOME, and much cheaper than making it myself. Plus, no dirty dishes!

The wedding was beautiful. My new daughter is lovely. I did NOT punch her mother in the face when she said "I've just been so stressed" at the rehersal when she did... nothing! (Including taking her daughter for her final fitting. We did that.)

I wasn't quite sure when it was happening, and I was a liitle afraid to ask! You are so funny! Thanks, I needed this