I'm still asking the questions

Peanut - you never go out in public, or you don't really go out socially?

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

Not until very recently LMO, for, alas, I have agoraphobia, but I have been going to the gym down the street, but just since 9/1. A lot of it is not wanting to face people and getting stressed out about it like Heidu is talking about, but, so as not to hi-jack this thread, (sorry Heidu ), my sordid tale can be seen under the anxiety section... Thanks for asking (((LMO)))...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Hi Heidu,

Just want to give a strong and warm hug, hope it reaches you and finds you in better and lighter spirit by now.. I know you've got your own way of working things out, and you don't need nobody to tell you what to do.. But it's so good that you've been keeping your mind and heart open, you deserve all nice things I can name that a woman should have...

Heidu, I have a lot of thoughts going on in my mind after reading your posts, I really want to share with you, but fear that I might not fully understand your situation, in terms of what's really going on with you and your hubby, how do you spend your time each day, etc...... It sounds to me that your marriage life isn't very pleasing, he seems a little selfish and not care for you much. I'm sorry if I get it wrong, I don't mean to offend neither of you. It gets me to think how much a woman can and should trust her man, how much does his reliability may alter... if we only talk about love relationships, I think that even we've found the other 1/2 and two become one, there are still many things we need to keep for ourselves, I wondered if this is selfishness, but more and more I think it is not at all. I will using "I" to speak, but I think what I will say really does apply to everyone, men, women... I always feel I can't be truly feeling happy for others unless I get my own stuff together. Unconditional love, I don't believe in it, except our Lord's broad heart and His love to all His children... I feel your hubby hasn't given equal amount of input to the relationship, but you have accepted it because you love him, yet your generous tolerance isn't appreicated. It's tough, I can imagine if I were in your position, how I would react... Anyway, maybe I would be even weaker than you. Women! Are we too kind to them sometimes? (Sorry Gentlemen here, I don't mean to offend ya'll)... Heidu, I'm really wondering if all these your feelings have to do with him... As I said, I really am not sure, but I just got this impression (PM me if you don't feel comfortable to talk about this too much publicly).

I think your feeling towards the appearance is more like a "byproduct" of your overall bad feelings. Being away from family and friends, new surroundings, different language, and difficulties in commucating with your loved one... shoot, that's a lot to deal with... girl... you are really something... I wouldn't do as half well as you've done....

Another thing is about your confidence. I think confidence is something can be strengthened if encouragement, faith and belief is presented by others, especially by the loved ones. Do you get enough from him, since he is the closest you've got in Norway? If not, that's probably why you feel troubled with going out, seeing people etc. You know sometimes how we feel has a lot to do with who we're with. I'm not saying he is definitely the cause, only you can tell. We all need to feel important, needed, liked, appreciated, loved... You don't seem you've received enough, but you have given a lot more...

Talking about being on your own. I always feel I have to be on my own, myself is what all I got regardless of what should happen to me. As long as I keep myself survived, I'm ok and I will rise up where I fall. Talk to your inner self when you are alone, or feel lonely even with others. It's better than running around crazily and looking for people to talk to. I tried that before, but it often made me feel worse, cause when I need to talk, others may not in the same timing, not that they don't care sometimes. So, more and more I realize myself is what I have for permanent, no tricks, no betrayals, no time limits... Heidu, I know this may not work everytime, after all we need human contacts. I always look for people worth to talk, but I also learnt not to expect too much from others, however, in giving, I use all my heart. I guess I'm really going on to the trust issue now I have to confess that this issue still causes big confusion in my life. In the giving I just talked about, the trust is given by me, and it goes to me too. But should I trust that others would do the same in return? No, I can't. Although I consider everyone has a good nature which God has meant for everyone to have originally, but if they screw up, then I would just walk away, no time for BS. I learnt in a hard way, either have given trust to wrong ones or failed to give enough to the right ones... "what the hell was wrong?"-- that's what I want to scream out load... But nothing is too late, I learnt something for good. Heidu, there are lots of fine men out there, and many of them worth of our trust, just have to mind when to give, and when to withdraw...

Hey, Heidu, sweetie, I know I'm not really talking much sense, ignore them if they mean little to you, ok?... Do you plan to go back to the States? What do you see your life is gonna be in two yrs from now? I have worries about you after knowing your feelings and situation. Please take care for now, ok?

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

Zen,
I feel that you understand the feelings but I think we are coming from different places. That's ok.

It was good to read about what you have done to make your life better and to feel better. You seem to have really gotten to know yourself and your needs and how to take care of you and them. It takes time to find your way but you are well on the road!!

You should feel good about what you have done and how far you have come from where you were. It's impressive.
Your an amazing woman.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Rapunzel,
First, Thanks for the chocolate. I was starting to feel bad for taking so many from Mary Alice.

Your questions:
What do you want to be doing?
I want my life back. I want to be working and earning money and taking care of my personal needs. I want to be able to interact with people. I have alot to give and I want to do that.

How do you see yourself if you were who you wanted to be?
That's not so hard. I really liked who I was a couple years back. I worked hard to get myself where (I am talking personally, emotionally). I lwant to feel that way again. I don't think it's so far away but I don't know how to get me back.

If you didn't have any of the problems that are holding you back right now, what would you do?
I do not know. That's my problem. I don't know where I am going so I can't make a map.

Party is on for Friday nite my time then, 7:00pm.

Thanks for your reply,
Heidu


The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Jill,
You didn't have great words of wisdom BUT you have great words of understanding. That means alot.
"in reality, I'd still have most of the same old issues to work thru. so might as well start to do it where I am." That is what I am saying about working out my issues. They will follow me wherever I go and I don't want to take them with me.
Your a good friend Jill aka Peanut.
I like calling you Peanut by the way, I really like the name.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Hey Hey,
Your insight into what my marriage is like is very close. I am not offended in the least.
I do believe in marriage that two 1/2's become one but I don't think it is selfish to keep a part of yourself. You cannot lose who you are. I believe the best parts of two people become even better and that together you work on the faults. It's alot of compromise but in a loving and accepting way. In a good marriage between 2 decent people it should kinda go that way.

All my feelings do have to do with him and the things he has done and the way he has treated me and more importantly how he has made me feel. I was never like this before. He is very supportive IF I am doing what HE thinks is right. Otherwise he is very condescending and judgemental.

When I am here in the evenings yacking with people I get this look from him that's makes me feel like I am an idiot because my friends are online. He doesn't realize that my friends are online. That is the way it is. I have a few freinds here but they are pretty busy. I don't get to see them often and I make the most of it when I do.

My feelings are a bi-product of of my over all bad feelings. You see I came here a happy and whole person. So in love and so prepared for a challenge. I gave up everything I had and left everyone I loved to come here to be with him. When I had just given up everything I could, he ripped everything I thought I had away. I was left with nothing and noone. His hurt took me to the brink of suicide and madness and he still didn't stop.

When I finally broke from the confusion of what was happening I got angry. He had finally gone too far. When I got angry he stopped being mean. Then he was just him. Generally selfish and uncaring.

I don't get anything from him to boost my confidence and I don't have the ability to do things like get a job and succeed at that, things like that arent available to me. He backs me 100% in my Mary Kay business but that isn't going very well.

He made a big mistake when we got married and our first years together. His friends loved me. I knew I was gonna have to work to be part of the gang and it was up to me. Then suddenly he didn't want me around anymore. They were his friends. They didn't know what was going on. He never told them that things were bad with us. He made little comments like "I made a mistake getting married" and then not exlplaining. Then he stopped going out with them. Soon I was the *****y wife who married him and wouldn't let him do anything. It wasn't my choice. I just wanted to be included in his life but instead of doing that he gave his life up.

He recently has told people that things were bad and tried to clear things up a little but it's too little too late. His friends will always think of me that way and the ones who dont, the ones who think he is a real jerk for what he did dont think about me to include me in anything anymore. I've been labeled. I am really uncomfortable around them. They are uncomfortable around me.

I have tried to include him into my group of people here. He wants nothing to do with it. I invited 18 people and there spouses from language school here once for a party and he spent most of the evening sitting in the next room talking to whoever might wander in there. He wouldn't go with me to the gatherings they had.

The bottom line in all this is he does not fullfill my needs physically or emotionally at all. He wants to, he loves me but he doesnt know how. He has tried but he just isnt capable. He has his life and I have mine. We share nothing together but a home and a dog and even the home isn't mine.

I don't know where I am going. I want to go somewhere safe where I can be me and feel loved. I don't know where that is.

I don't mind being alone and I am not often lonely, more hurt.

You talked alot of sense and you got alot from my vague posts to figure it out. You are smart and caring.
Thank you. I will be ok. I am in a much better place than I was a year ago. I will survive this. He isn't mean so I can tolerate my life but I choose to live I just am not sure how or where right now.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

{{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}

I am still trying to formulate a reply to this (such a long word for a blonde bear ..). I can relate to a lot of your pain, and I wish I had some answers for you Will a hug do for now?

pm me any time if you would like to chat I am more chatty in pm's than on the board: I think a couple of people here would agree. I am going to read your thread again, and see if I can come up with a bit more in the way of a reply. I think you are terrific and I'm keeping you in my thoughts ...

Hugs,
Fuzzy

Hi Heidu,

Frankly, one voice was shouting at my back when I read your reply-- "Why don't you leave him?"... I'm sure you've heard people saying this more than a million times, and I guess you'd already asked yourself the very question from time to time as well. BUT IT'S HARD TO DO, I know. Love relationships, especially with marriage done... there is a tough decision to make. But girl, you are not the only one encounters this, so don't feel like you're fighting alone. I can easily give you about ten people around me who are trapped in this dilemma. Although I'm not married yet, but believe me, I know how it is.

Anyway, I really wanted to ask you have you tried hard enough in talking with him? I mean serious talks, fully expressing yourself without considering how he would feel? (It sounds to me his feelings really need to be ignored a little, for he's got too much before) It's important to let him know what's going on in your head. I know some men treasure their little manhood more than life. Ignore this and all his judgementality, just be yourself regardless. It's like when we fight to a form of force, in order to win we need to bring in more powerful force. But you can do it in soft and gentle ways, reminds me so much of the power of water... OK, sorry I don't mean to advocate war between family members, and it's definitely not a competition between couples... It's just a way of making a breakthough in solving a problem. What I meant was that you need to get your feelings and views being recognised. And your value is definitely not only depending on what job you do, or if you have one or not. So what, if you don't have one... I think he has a problem with secuirity issue himself, not you... Why do you take blames on yourself... Neither of you should take the blames, nor should you blame on each other. I feel you are still very much in love with him, he is the same but also very confused. Have you talked to him about it? Maybe he is feeling something similar to you, doesn't know what to do to change...

Heidu, a direct approch is always the best, I think so. Be honest with your feelings, with him and tell him you need him to be the same. Talk everything over, then you will see something taking shape, and you will be able to make a decision from there. We got to live our life for ourself first, right? (is this selfishness? don't mean to mislead you..)

Another thing I've noticed is what you said about his willingness to fulfill your needs, you said he wanted to but didn't know how. Does it occur to you that maybe he has tried (hard enough, so he feels) to do everything he could but wasn't recogised by you? For example, you said he is supportive when you do things he thinks right. But, aren't you the same? You expect him to do something for you that you feel comfortable with, but will these things bring comfort to him? ... Compromise... What a tough thing...

Sorry, Heidu, I feel I'm giving you a viewpoint which goes in a circle, it's goes back to where it starts. Not helping you at all... I just want to remind you how a sensible communication matters in relationships, and I'm sure you know far better than I do. But sometimes you might get tired of each other, and you don't even want to try any more. It's not a good tendency, you know. Please try with him again, I think he should understand and work with you, since I feel he loves you dearly...

Don't give up yet, girl... If after all your trying and efforts (I know you've already done much, no doubt about that), things still don't work out, or everything fades away, you still have yourself, the most beautiful thing... Then you will have an ever new starting point from where you know you can do anything, be anything, with greatness and shining smiles showing to this world... Nothing is too late, baby...

It is much easier to fall in love than getting along... It takes some honest hard work and genuine care to make relationships last and grow stronger...

I'm glad to know you're much better... Suicide? Don't ever think it's an option again, ever, ok? No matter what had happened, or what triggered your to have that thought, please drop it completely. I was once suicidal, and now realize that is not a solution at all. I know you are a strong girl, I have faith in you... ((((((((Heidu)))))))))))))

Somewhere safe... I can relate... But Heidu, try to create this land in your heart first... We can never feel peaceful when we have those little demons disturbing us, right? I know you don't have a clear idea with what you want to do, just don't rush to make any choice yet. Maybe start from noticing little things to cheer yourself up. I really mean to ignore how you should react to his views over you and your actions if they had caused you feeling terrible. Do what you think is right, and keep it going...

I don't expect you to feel " a lot" better in a short time, but try it little by little. I'm here if you need anything... You are an important one to us here...

((((((((((((((more hugs come your way))))))))))))))))

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

P.S. ...

*I learned from my friends and family back home that I am on my own. They care but not enough to keep in touch or help me when I begged for it*

Been there. I understand, and it totally sucks ...

Take care,
Fuzzy

Fuzzy,
Totally sucks is about the only way to put it.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Hey Hey,
I guess one reason I don't talk about this stuff too much is either I am completely misunderstood or I just don't want to try to explain everything. I am well aware of my feelings and myself and what's going on. I understand the situation and have gone over things and analysed things and try to find solutions but I come up blank. I will go thru your post one by one and try to explain as best I can.

"why don't you leave him?" I tried. I worked very hard to get myself from the place of wanting to just kill myself or fall into the hole to a place where I want to live and want it too be different. I built myself up, I left him, I asked people for help, everyone I knew. I don't have an income, I needed a place to go to, I have no money for a plane ticket, I don't have anything but clothes and personal items and a few things that I brought with me. I asked for help to get back home, a place to stay until I could get a job and get a place of my own. I was ready, I did what I had to do and I got no help. Well a little, I was offered a place to stay but it was out in the country and an hours drive to any possible job opportunities. I had no car and I need a job to get that. That was the only person who offered me a place to stay. I was also offered to use a car temporarily with conditions that I would "succeed". That person and I do not agree on what success means so it would only cause problems. That was it. I didn't hear back form alot of people and the ones I did sent best wishes in hopes I could work out my marriage. It isn't so easy to leave when you have no where to go and no way to get there and your half the world away.

I do have the option of leaving him and staying here. I can go to the crisis center and then the norwegian government will support me until my residence permission runs out in January and then I am forced out of the country. My residence here for another year depends on my being married and living with my husband. I also would basically be alone in this country and I have already been thru that and I can't do it again.

As for the talking to him, you may have noticed I am pretty open and direct with my thoughts and feelings. I have talked to him and talk and talked. I've yelled, cried, screamed and said nothing. He doesn't get it or even attempt to until I yell or scream. By then it's too late for me. Believe me, I have tried everything. I even got him to go to counseling. Thats where I told him I was leaving him and the counselor agreed that was best.

I suggested going back to counseling but my husband wont because "the guy thinks you left me" and " you said you were leaving and he thought that was good". There isn't alot of options for counseling here mainly based on language but also price and I wont force him to go, it would do no good.

He does want to be good to me and he knows he doesnt really know how but he wont talk to anyone and when people have tried he gets defensive.

We have talked over everything and there has been changes but everything is such a struggle when you deal with someone who doesnt get it and doesnt want to put the effort in to try.

I know my value is not dependant on having a job but it would be nice and it is part of me feeling good about me. Making some money, contributing, making a difference every day.

I am not in love with him at all. I can't see how I could love a person who has treated me so badly and didn't care when he saw me falling apart.

What I meant by him being supportive, he is supportive when he wants to be and in some thing but if not he isnt just not supportive he says things that hurt my feelings and makes me feel bad.

When I had my foot surgery and could barely walk and was also suffering from severe depression I gained some weight. Most people would understand that is normal. When you cant walk and you feel really bad it's hard to lose weight. He is dissapointed in me because I gained weight. He told me that a number of times.

He should understand things and work with me but he doesn't. It's up to him if he wants to be different. I told him I want him to be himself, who he is but it is also my choice if he is not someone I want to be with. I don't. It's not just because he isn't the perfect man. He really was downright cruel to me the first year of our marriage. Later on he told me that he didnt want to get married but didnt want to hurt me and realizes now he's hurt me so much more.

One example is when we were first married he was layed off from work so there wasnt alot of money. I was fine with that even though it wasnt easy. He told me 3 times over a couple weeks that "I would be better off if you weren't here" That was all he said. When I finally said it was best for me to go then he said he just meant that if I wasnt here then there would be enough money for him to live on. There are hundreds of other things like that that he has said.

I never expected life or marriage to be like a bed of roses. I know that life is full of ups and downs and I am more than willing to work thru those with someone and cmopromise and do the best I can. To give it my all. The thing is, you need someone else who wants to do the same.

Suicide is not an option. It won't happen. When I feel bad I just dont want to live but I cant take my own life.

I do try now to ignore the things he says that hurt but I will also tell him when he hurts me. I get an apology eventually but it's pretty worthless when it happens again.

Enough for now. It's hard to do this. Maybe I will find some answers. I don't know.
Thank you for you,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Oh, my good God... Heidu, all I feel after reading your reply is how strong you've been... ((((((((((((Heidu))))))))))))) You are a fighter. Truthfully, I don't have proper things to say at the moment, I feel bad to have you gone through everything in your mind again.. I didn't realize that much that you've already reached the bottomline with this relationship.. I personally knew another girl who has gone through similar situation as yours, she had some extreme tough years and finally got to the point she wanted to be. I know there are some really practical things such as housing etc to consider and deal with... it's not easy...

Thanks for opening up your heart. I only hope my word haven't drag you back to shadows. I'm really so very sorry if I did...

Please take care, today is another day, like everyone would say...

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

Hi ((((((((((Heidu))))))))))) = Tis me, your friend, Peanut. I wanted to read all of the responses and see if I could understand more about your situ., and I think I am little by little. I

'm still coming up snake-eyes on any good advice though... We seem to be stuck, you and I, that's kind of what I think.

Your situ. is worse being in Norway I think, because you are more isolated geographically from the known. I'm probably more self-isolated. Either way, tis still a very lonely place to be, eh?

But you know what, somehow neither situ. 'feels' hopeless to me... do you know what I mean? It seems like something is going to change, but just not sure what yet...

I know this is going to sound trite, but I'm actually thinking of it myself, and that is, what about volunteering? In your case, teaching English would probably be a much sought after skill, for one thing =

I was thinking of doing teen mentoring, but then I think, what will the kids learn from me if I don't have my stuff together...I'm also thinking of trying to get my teaching credential beginning in the spring semester...

Anything to shine a ray of hope into the situation. Just a little bit of self-confidence/self-esteem regained would go a long way for both of us.

We could take little steps each day and try to be each other's support, plus all of our friends here... Just some thoughts...

A benefit I have right now is that the only ongoing squashing of my self-esteem that I'm having to endure is, at this point, self-imposed, whereas, you still have to contend with your husband...

But if you were getting even a bit of validation from the outside, it would give you something to balance his input with...

Well, I'l stop my rambling for now. Your in my thoughts = wishing you all the best, and sending you positive energy... Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Thank you for the hugs Toni, I am a fighter, always have been but I am tired. You pointed out another reason why I am still here. If I go I know it will be another couple years of struggle to get back on my feet. I'm tired. I'm just tired.

You know my husband isn't all bad, he has some really good qualities. Maybe just not enough for me or to make up for the past. He said and did all the right things before I married him and when I left him he had a "revelation" and said again all the right things. How he should be, how he should treat me, what I was asking of him......but then when it comes to actually doing it.....little bits here and there.

I wonder if maybe things would be better if I could open up a little too him, maybe not cring when he touches me but I can't. I have given him so many chances and he blows it every time. He even realizes this but it doesn't change anything.

I think maybe posting this was not one of my brightest ideas. My point was to find some way to feel better about myself and I don't. There is no miracle cure. No magic wand...poof.

I know 3 things.
The answers to my questions have to come from me somehow.
A relationship that hurts so much is not a relationship one should be in.
I have to find my own way home and figure out where that is.

But it still leaves me with all my questions.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

My friend Peanut. It is a lonely place to be.

I've thought alot about volunteering. I have alot of good to give. They have canceled english languages classes in my county for some reason and I don't know when they may offer them again. Any other volunteering is a problem because of the language. It's very hard to communicate with people. I am not secure in my language skills and often depending on my mood I am at a blank with what to say.
I know it was suggested to make friends just smile at the lady at the makeup counter and start talking about something I know but it's not so easy. There is American and british influence here but they do not speak english. Most people have a hard time speaking it and need a couple drinks before they will talk to me. If you ask someone if they speak english you will be almost sure to get a no. Now if I cant use norwegian I just start talking in english so they dont have a choice.
The unemployment rate is very high here and there isn't much chance of work. They will hire a norsky first and they will even tell you that. I have experienced discrimination on quite a few occasions.

I have applied for tons of jobs here and never once got a call. I can do the Mary Kay in norsk because I do most of the talking and I have control of the situation. Everywhere else I have no control.

To be honest, I dont feel at all like I belong here and I dont want to fit in anymore. It doesnt matter.

There, your turn to ramble!!!
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Ah, BUT I would never have met my WONDERFUL S.O if my family had not thrown me out and treated me like crap.

Fuzzy

My heart goes out to you.

I wish I could offer your a job and a home.

I don't have any idea how it is done, but thousands and thousands of emmigrants arrive in the US penniless, jobless, and homeless every year. Most don't even speak the language. Somehow they make it. Some make it very well.

You would be something like them if you return, but it should be easier because you have the language and legal right to be here.

Whatever it is they have, you need to find it, too.

What are your property rights there? If you divorce, do you have any entitlements? Is there no way to come out of your marriage with even a little to get you by for a while?

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are

"The answers to my questions have to come from me somehow."

I feel like this too, nobody gets it, though...

Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.

Immigrants do come there and they do make it. Many get jobs doing menial labor and sum make a success. It is different for me though even here. I don't have the same rights or help that an immigrant or asylum seeker has because I come from a western country and I am came here by choice not need. An Asylum seeking immigrant is supported with housing, and basic necessities and there are more programs to get them integrated and working.
I do have the positive of speaking english and knowing how things work in America but I need a reason to want to come back and do what I have to do to make a life there. I don't have that now.

There is nothing here for me to have legal right to. I take what I brought. Besides, in Norway it takes 1 year from filing for divorce for the court to declare it final. You also have to file for separation first and it all takes time.

My husband would not send me away empty handed, he knows why I want to go but the problem is he doesnt have the money and he wants me to stay.

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I'll be ok.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Dear Heidu,
Not as different as you think. I have been on this quest for a very long time. But you are right our paths are different and must be walked with different steps. Just know that I hold you in my heart because I truely have been there and know how it feels.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

BP, I'm with you! I'll have some money coming in next month. Find out how much that ticket costs and I'll give you half!!

Heidu... I've been wanting to say that to you for soooo long!!

<center>COME HOME!!!!</center>

You can come stay with me till you get back on your feet. You know I love you and you know you have a soft spot to land here. You can trust me.

Not that I believe you'll take us up on the offer, but... it's out there!

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Ok, just a quick note. I have a busy weekend of house stuff planned so I wont be around much for a couple days but I wanted to thank everyone for everything and I will reply more after the weekend. This has taken me down a little thinking and talking about it and I need to get myself in a better place.
Lots of hugs to everyone!
Heidu


The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

**Hugs for Heidu**

(((((Heidu))))) First, I'd like to say it is a pleasure getting to know you, and I'm only at the begining! I am sure as I get to know you better, I will treasure you even more.

I'm not quite sure what all you have endured. I can tell it has been way too much though. I think, with any problem one encounters, realizing the problem is a really big step. Next, understanding it and then analizing it. Determine what amount of it you can control or change and deal with that. Anything you have neither control of, or the power to change - put it behind you. Classify it as a lesson learned, a bad experience, or both. And then move on. It is important - to move forward and not backward. I know that is easier to say than to do, but girlfriend - I have great faith in you.

Trust ... how does one trust? I guess different people trust for different reasons or in different ways? Myself, when I first meet someone - I automatically give them 100% trust - that is to say I accept them for who they claim to be. As our friendship grows, the proof of oneself will be seen.

Mis-trust - Once a person does something that shows they are not as trustworhy as I had thought, naturally my level of trust for that person falls from 100%. As to what it may fall to depends upon what the lie was.

Every woman I have been involved with has decieved me. And it seems that too often in todays world - Biy meets girl, Girl meets boy, and both try to be like what they believe the other would want them to be like. That works great if you're in it for the short haul, but, if you're in it for the long haul, it is just a matter of time before the love or lust wears off (the newsness of the relationship) and it becomes just normal everyday life. It is then that the people involved see the other for who they actually are, and the relationship starts to crumble. I'm not saying that is what happened with you, but it is what happened to me - over and over and over again.

But we all need people around us, and it is so natural to place your guard up especially when you've been hurt, but please, don't ever give up sweetie. Life is far too short as it is, and from reading your posts, I can see a beautiful woman with a heart full of love, and sweetie, maybe right now the timing wouldn't be right, but there is a guy out there that is in need of the love you can give him, and it is a matter of time, and the two of you will find each other.

I understand completely how one can become depressed, so hurt and depressed that they just want to dig them a hole and crawl into it. But please, don't do that - it just makes it harder in the long run.

But most importantly - please, don't ever give up on yourself, or on love itself. Fight that urge to stay in sweetie, and get out and do something that will purk YOU up. I will never give up on you.

(((((Heidu)))))

With love,
Your friend Sam