I hate the way I look

I am starting to obsess about the way I look again, and it's getting pretty bad. I hate looking at myself in the mirror, and I look at photos of my friends to see just how better looking they are. I have one friend who is amazingly good looking, I have spent hours at a time in the past looking through all her photos on Facebook.
The disgust with my appearance is so bad that it makes me wish I would just hurry up and die. I'm really ashamed when I go out with friends, one of the very first things that comes into my head is how crap I am going to look. If people invite me out I end up in tears every time I get ready because no matter how much I try I still look like s__t.
A friend has invited me out in a few weeks to something I probably won't even go to because of the alcohol, but I'm already thinking about all the people that are going to be there, some of them might be good looking, I have to exercise to get rid of my stomach by then, I have to find something I look good in, I have to try and get my skin clear, etc., etc., etc.

I used to be thin until my idiot doctor put me on medication I didn't need and made me gain weight. I'm not OVERWEIGHT, but I have a big stomach now, lots of stretchmarks, I'm starting to get a double chin. People have even started poking me in the stomach before and making comments. I can't tell you how humiliating that is.

My skin is bad, not just on my face, I can't wear singlet tops or dresses. I have started antibiotics but they haven't been working. And my skin looks so old, I have wrinkles and I'm only 22. I also have dark circles under my eyes and bags which I get from my father. I can't do anything about them unless I had surgery, which I am really considering. That goes for my ears as well, they really stick out so I can't do my hair up.

I bite my nails, I've been trying to grow them and some of them I have, but I still bits the others (to the point they have started to bleed a few times). They are so disgusting, they keep breaking which tempts me, and then when I do bite then I feel so disappointed in myself.

And one of the things I hate the most is my teeth, the last time I went to a dentist was 14 years ago when I was 8. But now my bottom teeth are really crooked and my top teeth are worn from me grinding them for years. Now I am going to have to pay thousands if I want them fixed, because my mother never bothered to do anything when I was a kid.

I could go on all day telling you everything. I hate feeling this way, I hate obsessing this way. But I really don't like the whole 'it's what's on the inside that counts' stuff. People are going to judge me on my appearance, and yes other people's opinions of me is very important.
People used to always talk about how thin I was, that I should be a model, now the only 'compliment' I get is 'oh your eyes are a strange colour'.
I really hate myself for it all. I've never really talked about all this to most people, I don't want to appear as though I'm fishing for comments, I know a lot of girls do that. I just needed to get this off my chest because I've letting it get to me for so long.

It does seem as if many judge far too harshly because of appearance. But it seems to be mostly the "plastics". You may find in time they melt because they simply cannot stand up to the heat of realness.

I truly wish you the very best of all things. Be well.

Realness...it is a good look.

Hello, Evening. Now that you have told us what is wrong, what is your plan for fixing it?

Evening,

Have you considered one of those "makeovers" like they do on some shows? It may not help all the things your perceive as faults, but it could help things like your skin, etc.

Good luck, slow

I recently took $2,000 out of my life savings account to buy a whole new wardrobe and make-up, etc. thinking it would do a lot to boost my confidence and make me look better (plus my clothes were falling to pieces), but it hasn't really helped me at all, other than give me clothes that are intact.
I tried going for walks every day (it was my new years resolution) but that only lasted a few weeks, I don't have any energy and I figured there was no point because I have no life anyway so I may as well just stay at home like I always do. It's like trying to make a better lifestyle for myself just reminds me of everything, like I'm kidding myself trying to do all these things when I'm just going to come home and do nothing afterwards anyway.
And I am going to start saving to get some work done, just my ears and my teeth at the very least. My ears will only cost $2,000-$3,000, but my teeth... well let's just not go there...

for what its worth your pesonality makes up for any physical imperfiection you *may* have. may is between astricks because well lets face it; we are our own biggest critics. im sure you judge yourself harder than anyone else can. but we talked a lot in the past and you were a very cool and nice person. i don't think you should be self concious because you were so nice but that's just me for what its worth

Evening. I read what you wrote and I am honestly sorry that you are feeling so tourmented with pain over your physical appearance. I clicked on your name to see your profile. I saw a profile picture of a very pretty girl with three guys. Is this you? Because if it is, you are extremely pretty as far as I am concerned.

I have known some beautiful girls who are convinced that they are ugly and / or fat. The reason they are convinced of that is because they have been hurt when they were young. And they are convinced that they are ugly because of how much they were hurt. I am not saying this is the case with you. But I do know its the case with some young women who i know. They absolutly cannot see anything but "ugly" while other people who look at them see how gorgeous or pretty they are. Because of the hurt they expereinced they currently have no way to see themselves clearly. Again, I do not want to jump to conclusions about you. But if thats you in your profile picture, I gotta say, you are very pretty young woman. Of course that doesnt change how you feel about yourself. Because how you FEEL is very real. But I did see a very pretty girl in that picture. Just saying. A bit of feedback from someone who has been around the block many times over her 59 years..... that would be moi. Maybe as we heal the wounds of the inside, we can find the beauty of the outside?

(((((sunsetsunrise)))))--and all others who have replied here--hugs------

Evening! I know that's a picture of you on your blog-----sunsetsunrise speaks the truth........you know, when I was your age, no one could tell me I was "pretty" either.

All the abuse had taken its' toll--and you've been negated as a PERSON for most of your life!!! I was too.

No, I won't try to convince you otherwise; however, I will tell you this:

Now, at my ancient age, I have young girls in their thirties asking me how I can look so good when I haven't even changed my clothes, or taken a shower to go out to the dog park. I'm 55 Evening!!!

I had to learn to feel good in my own skin. Doesn't matter what I wear, or anything else; People feel at ease with me, just because I feel at ease with myself.

These young girls--they look older than I do, and they ask me "How?"

Yes, sunsetsunrise said it all in her last sentence---You have to heal from the inside out---I did.
So incredibly talented, so intelligent, so fun, I enjoy you for who you are-love who you are------------this will pass.many hugs--theo

You love the music of my generation--did you ever hear Jefferson Airplane --Grace Slick sing "You're Only Pretty as You Feel"? or "There's One Thing You Can't Hide---
It"s When You're Crippled Inside"?---love You!!!

You Survived!!!!!!! How amazing is that???!!!! How STRONG is that???!!!

I share a lot of your feelings, I often feel really ugly and I have huge issues with my teeth, nose and breasts.
Sometimes what I try to do is imagine something happens to me and my face becomes disfigured, or imagine I was born with a deformity. Say something like... somebody throws acid in my face, or I'm in a fire, and my face becomes covered in burn scars. I try to think, if that happened to my face, would I look back and see how, actually, my face was FINE before, and I would do anything to have that face back, even if it wasn't perfect..?

Sometimes you see these shows, and there's like, a kid born without a nose and a mouth, or something, and their deformity is soo obvious, and I think.... I'm lucky. I'm not gorgeous, I'm no Beyonce, but I have a nose and eyes and mouth where they should be, and they're not so ugly that they're deformed, and it's really just my personal opinion that it looks ugly. Ask those other peole who have to live with deformities etc, and they'd think we were lucky and looked great.

Not sure if that will help you, but it helps me.

With your weight - you can change it.
With your face - you can change it, but I'd recommend trying to change the way you think of it, because that's of more benefit to you mentally, and also cheaper. If you liked yourself more you might accept that you look good enough, or even pretty.

When you're with people, it doesn't matter so much what you look like, but rather, what you're like to be with. I know you didn't want to hear it but it is what's inside that matters. It's better to work at being a person who is fun to be around (not saying you're not already) cos in the end you will benefit so much more from that than plastic surgery.

If you decide you do want to change things, and think it will give you more confidence, go for it... but it might not change as much as you think it will. Ultimately you have to be happy about you as a person, not your outer appearance, cos even with age that's going to change and it won't seem so important when you're older.

I do understand that it upsets you, I get like that a lot too... but, I do hope you can work on at least changing some of that, the way you feel about yourself. You deserve to be happy regardless of what your face looks like!

(((Evening)))

I am now 45 and just learning to accept..no not accept, but try to love myself. Healing does come from the inside out. When I was your age people always told me how beautiful I was, but all I could see was ugly, fat, not good enough. Your childhood follows you and if it was a bad one, it distorts your self image.

If I had a do-over....I would have gotten some counseling to deal with my self-hatred...I may still do that.

The message I want to convey to you is..please don't waste your life hating yourself. Talk to someone and find out what is at the root of that feeling. Sweetie, looks fade as you age, but beauty truly does reside in the soul.

(((Evening))) Do you find that the way you see yourself changes as your moods change? I know this is how it happens for me. We never look good to ourselves when we feel like crap on the inside. I did visit your profile, the curiosity almost killed me.....and let me just say this, you and I are both are just cute as buttons, even though our minds are telling us different. It is so strange how we attack ourselves in this way. I still do it when Im feeling down but have found that the effects of buying new things only lasts a short time. I hope you are getting positive counseling, because if you can change the way you think you will see how lovely you truly are. Now, when I hear myself telling me how ugly I am, I tell it to go suck an egg, even if its first thing in the morning before Ive brushed my teeth!!!!

That's only because you're the most morally awesome teenager around and can't understand why girls fuss about they way they look. Sadly though most people notice looks before they notice personality so it is something that gets to me.

I think that was more of a fluke shot over anything else, it makes me look like I actually have friends. One of those people I don't even know, one is someone I've known for 15 years but haven't seen for months because he seems to disappear when I feel down, and the other is a really great guy but works so often I see him maybe once a month max. It took me 20 minutes to decide on that picture because it's the least ugly one I could find.
Having said that though I have to be honest that compliments don't do much for me, I cringe at compliments as much as I cringe at criticism. I don't believe it when people say it, I feel like people are obliged to say it and there is no way people can't see what I see.

No I think it is true. On top of other things, I have spent a lifetime of people commenting on my appearance. I was tall and thin so I should be a model, I'm too fat and look pregnant so I should do sit ups, my hairs too messy, my hair's really nice, I'm thinner than this person, this person's thinner than me, I my ears stick out, my ears don't stick out, I look the same as I have for the last 10 years, I talk funny, I walk funny, etc. etc. etc.
I have one friend who makes me feel so bad about myself, whenever I talk to her on the phone (and she talks a LOT), she always tells me to check out people we used to go to school with and see how amazingly good looking they are now. I DON'T want to look at pictures of people better looking than me. But she never says anything to me other than 'you just look the same as you always have' in this voice like 'whatever, just check out these other people who are so much better looking than you'. And of course now I've started to obsess, I look though hundreds of photos of these people and then go look in the mirror.

Let me also point out that most pictures you will ever see of me have been edited- the colour changed, all my bad skin airbrushed, so I don't look EXACTLY like what is in the picture.

I am not talented, I don't think so at all (no matter how many times you try to tell me Theo!). Again I have got criticism for my work, as I mentioned in another thread about a friend of mine who has this subtle way of trying to prove he is better than everyone else.
It makes me so angry because I can see right through him, but at the same time it hurts so much. How do I know he's not really just being HONEST about my photography and artwork?

No I haven't, but I did learn that Otis Redding was only 26 when he died, I thought he was at least a decade older than that (completely off topic I know, I just found it really interesting).

I do that sometimes too, but then I feel bad. It's almost like it's an unattractive person's job to make self conscious people feel better about themselves. Isn't that terrible? (okay maybe I'm kind of finding some sort of humour in that and laughing to myself right now, but still...)

I know getting my teeth and ears fixed will DEFINITELY make me feel better, it terrifies me what my teeth are going to be like in 10 years, it really does. I am extremely resentful that nobody did anything about it when I was a child so now that responsibility and extra cost is all down on me now. If someone took me to a dentist, got braces, whatever I needed back then, it wouldn't have escalated to what it is now. I grind my teeth, and my top teeth are worn down, especially this one tooth in particular. They are disgusting.

I have to admit I am too embarrassed to talk about my appearance to most people, I don't trust what people say and I don't want to draw attention to myself. I can't accept that what is on the inside of me is more important, because most people don't like me as a person anyway, and people have always drawn attention to my looks.

Sometimes my crappy mood makes me feel ugly, but sometimes my ugly makes me feel crappy.
You are right that buying new things only feels good for a short time, that $2,000 spending spree has definitely worn off.


I am really sorry to everyone if I sound as though I'm whinging and complaining, I don't want to sound like that. I am just tormented by this. It's ages before I have to see any friends, and I am driving myself nuts thinking about what I'm going to look like. In fact as I write I have a face mask, teeth bleach and hair repair treatment on. Not that it will make me look any different.
But the mask does smell nice...

Evening

I, too, can relate to how you're feeling, however I admit that you are much harder on yourself than I've ever been.
And you're right, this has become an obsession of yours but I strongly feel it's origin comes somewhere from childhood.

When I was young, I can remember when my mom used to tell me that I shouldn't pay mind to my appearance as a means of obtaining...anything, as looks certainly do fade with age and leave us with what we truly are within.
I grew up as a fat tomboy who dressed like the boys and pretty much behaved as tough as they did. I hated the way I looked as a girl, so I hid behind that roughneck exterior to prevent being further teased, (although that really didn't work..I was teased, anyway).
I was a far cry from feminine, or even attractive when I was young.

From my late teens up, I was teased for having no breasts, but at that time I was able to bury the pain from the torment and pretend it didn't bother me. I figured I am what I am and so be it...live with it.
It wasn't until last year that all those years of tolerating pain finally surfaced and I resorted to having breast augmentation.
I found it interesting how, the first thing my doctor asked me was "why I wanted this surgery" as they will not perform plastic surgery under the wrong conditions, at least the good surgeons wont, anyway. And they consider the wrong conditions being the patient seeking alterations while under psychological duress, as a means of relying on the surgery to make them feel accepted. (I got my surgery to make me feel like a complete woman, not to get attention from other's).
After the surgery, I felt so wonderful because of it, I had to ask myself why I waited so long to have it done. (I'm 51, btw....).

I'm certain that if you go through with any surgery alterations, it is for the same reason I did. To feel better about your own self..within your own skin.
I have to let you know though, (and I realize this is only my experience and not implying this is how it will be for you as well), that even though I now have breasts to make me feel more as a "whole" woman, I still have some pretty deep issues about self-acceptance/worth. NO surgery can ever provide me with the beauty I seek from within. That comes from understanding how to accept my own self. "We think, therefore we are" sort of thing.

I'm not tooting my own horn here, but I'm not half-bad looking for 51. Considering the rough life I put my own self through, those few decades of serious drug abuse and health neglect, I've held up pretty well, which truly surprises me. I have 2 younger sisters, 3 & 5 years younger who both look older than me, and for the life of me I don't understand why.
Instead of questioning why I'm "not", I'm slowly learning to value what I "am".
I still find myself comparing myself to others, (and I have absolutely no idea why, really, as I am fine as I am, yet compelled to discredit myself for some reason. Perhaps to keep myself in a place that has been so familiar for decades...not sure).

I've checked out your profile page and agree with all others that you are a beautiful young woman, despite all your imperfections. BTW, I, too, have ears that embarrass me and consciously attempt to cover. As well as my teeth, (same as with you, I had parents who never enforced dental hygiene. They had theirs pulled & full dentures before most of us were even born, so it wasn't as big an issue to them, I guess).

I realize that what I'm saying to you more than likely holds no meaning. You feel as you do about yourself and those feelings definitely have great value and justifications to you. I can relate to and understand all that.

It is a shame how we get so caught up in what we aren't that we completely allow what beauty we are to pass right on by us. And before we know it, we are halfway through our lives, STILL focused and miserable over what we aren't. The only difference is we are only much older with compounding reasons of why we "aren't"..seemingly hopeless.

I suppose it's a matter of what you are willing to allow for yourself and in your case, it isn't very much. Of course, that is your choice. You have that right.
Wouldn't it, though, be fair to yourself to allow yourself to enjoy your youth while you have it? Age has a way of sneaking up on us without warning. And before you know it, you're old..er and still feeling horrible about yourself.

(I'm still learning how to grow older gracefully...struggling with that a bit).
I hope that there was some value in what I've said here, but perfectly understand if there isn't.

I wish you all the best....

Shangrala

You win. You can have it.
Okay, so now I did that comment stuff--where's that work you promised?--hugs-theo

Evening, having people poke you in the stomach is waaaay rude. Who are these people?
Have you spoken with your therapist about your feelings because I'm wondering how much of what you're saying is depression.

Who cares about the friends you are stunning!

Personality or lack thereof can make "the beautiful people" very ugly very fast.

Beauty is in the small bits straight down to the way you described your face mask.

You're a knock out.

Have a great day everyone.

I feel the same about myself, but I usually feel better when I'm in a relationship. The longer I go without one, the more lonely and ugly I feel.

I know, I could have died on the spot when they did it, and it's happened more than once.
I haven't spoken to my therapist about it no, I haven't really spoken to anyone about it because it tortures me so much, I don't want to here all that 'but you're pretty' crap because it's absolute ********. I just looked in the mirror while getting ready for bed and I want to freaking vomit, I swear I look worse by the day.

It's completely not true, I look NOTHING like I do in that picture, it's nothing like me at all. Airbrushing and fluke shots will do that.

I think part of it has come from childhood things, not being good enough or wanted, people picking at my appearance my entire life (I can still remember when I was 5 my mother got my school photos the first thing she said was that my hair was a mess and she'd tried to make it nice that morning for the photo, like I'd ruined the picture. This was 17 years ago). The other reason is that I genuinely look like crap. I have bags under my eyes, my skin looks so old, my skin meds aren't working so it hasn't cleared up either, I look like a guy.

I don't think surgery will solve everything, there are a lot of things that I can literally do nothing about, but it will make me feel BETTER. It will take the stress off certain aspects of my appearance.

I have never been in a relationship, so I don't know how it would make me feel. I think I'm too gross to be in a relationship anyway.




I'm really flipping out about this, I am crying as I write this because I can't cope with the way I look. I don't want to go out and see friends because I don't want people to see how ugly I am. I want to punch myself, I feel literally disgusted in the way I look. I hate myself for it. I don't even want to look at myself. I don't want anyone to take a photo of me. I'm so revolting and I can't stand feeling and looking this way.

I've been in one real relationship, but it was extremely long-term and went off-and-on for a while. When I was in the relationship, I slowly started to feel better, but now I don't know. I think the only reason that gave me any real satisfaction is because I felt like I was proving something to myself by having a partner more physically attractive than me, a sort of self-gratification. Which is a very ugly thing to do. I think everyone has something that kind of sparks self-worth in themselves, and maybe you just haven't found your personal outlet yet.

((((Evening)))) - I'm sorry you're so down on yourself ATM. Is there a chance you might be suffering from 'Body Dysmorphic Disorder'? When you look at past friends on Facebook, they most likely have touched up their photos too. I blame most of this pressure to look good on the beauty and film industry - constantly pushing that perfect unattainable image.

If there's something you can truly make better, such as teeth, ears, etc - then I say go ahead and fix them. I'm also all for emphasizing what you already have with make up and hair. Everyone has something that's beautiful about them, so you need to emphasize those good points. Another point that's very important is self esteem and confidence - I've seen some not so attractive people on TV, BUT they have confidence/charisma which equals magnetism.

Just be the best that YOU can be and don't compare yourself to the edited photos on Facebook. Start exercising and get yourself back in shape - you'll feel better about yourself. Remember it could be worse - I often use this Iraqi war veteran as an example. He suffered 3rd degree burns from a bomb blast - ended up with no hair, no ears and severely stretched skin. But he still had this charismatic personality and it magnified his dark brown eyes and beautiful smile.

So I think you need to work on what you can reasonably improve, accept what you can't and love yourself. Make your body strong which will boost your self esteem. Don't compare yourself to others and don't fall for that perfection of beauty lie the beauty and entertainment industry pushes. Here's a good website that talks about real beauty: click on 'Campaign For Real Beauty'.

http://www.dove.ca/en/

Shank- I think if I were in a relationship it might boost my confidence by being wanted by someone and that someone is taking the time to understand my issues and accept them. Perhaps it's similar with you too?
Of course I don't have the trust to be in a relationship, the thought of intimacy terrifies me so much. And I don't want to end up in relationships live everyone else in my family, just divorce, alcohol and abuse. I think my fear of that is so strong that I am looking for someone that will just never come. Even if they did I'd end up blowing it anyway.

Lynn- I'm not sure what Body Dysmorphic Disorder is, can you explain it to me a little? (In layman's terms though because PTSD was hard enough to freaking understand as it is! ha ha)

I think a lot of celebrities get so much work done because of the pressure they themselves are given, if they don't look good enough they simply don't get the job, plus they are followed with cameras, are plastered on every magazine and ridiculed for every imperfection. If I were a celebrity I'd be on the cover of National Enquirer as 4 months pregnant with the stomach I have. It was bad enough when my mother told me I looked pregnant.
Then there is all the photo shopping. A lot of celebrities aren't even aware until AFTER that their picture is going to be edited and are shocked when they actually see the end result. Cue exhibit A-



Even Keira Knightley was dumbfounded when she saw the, uh, dramatic increase in the size of her chest.

Of course all that in turn creates a cycle that makes non-famous people obsess too.

I am trying to exercise, like I think I said my new years resolution was to go for a walk/jog every afternoon, but it only lasted a few weeks. I am going to try again, plus do crunches to flatten my stomach again. I read on the net earlier that drinking a glass of water before eating helps to eat less, I have a habit of eating a lot so that might help. I think that stemmed from being neglected when I was younger, food made me happy because I rarely had a decent meal. When it was my mothers pay day it was the greatest feeling ever, I mean I was so excited, because I knew I'd get a decent meal that day (even though money meant alcohol for her too). So food does make me happy I will admit, plus I think it's a boredom thing.
I just worry I can't keep the motivation up.

I looked up BDD on Wikipaedia and perhaps you might be right Lynn.

Symptoms

Common symptoms of BDD include:

• Obsessive thoughts about (a) perceived appearance defect(s).

• Obsessive and compulsive behaviors related to perceived appearance defect(s) (see section below).

• Major depressive disorder symptoms.

• Delusional thoughts and beliefs related to perceived appearance defect(s).

• Social and family withdrawal, social phobia, loneliness and self-imposed social isolation.

• Suicidal ideation.

• Anxiety; possible panic attacks.

• Chronic low self-esteem.

• Feeling self-conscious in social environments; thinking that others notice and mock their perceived defect(s).

• Strong feelings of shame.

• Avoidant personality: avoiding leaving the home, or only leaving the home at certain times, for example, at night.

• Dependent personality: dependence on others, such as a partner, friend or family.

• Inability to work or an inability to focus at work due to preoccupation with appearance.

• Decreased academic performance (problems maintaining grades, problems with school/college attendance).

• Problems initiating and maintaining relationships (both intimate relationships and friendships).

• Alcohol and/or drug abuse (often an attempt to self-medicate).

• Repetitive behavior (such as constantly (and heavily) applying make-up; regularly checking appearance in mirrors; see section below for more associated behavior).

• Seeing slightly varying image of self upon each instance of observing a mirror or reflective surface.

• Note: any kind of body modification may change one's appearance. There are many types of body modification that do not include surgery/cosmetic surgery. Body modification (or related behavior) may seem compulsive, repetitive, or focused on one or more areas or features that the individual perceives to be defective.

[edit] Compulsive behaviors

Common compulsive behaviors associated with BDD include:

• Compulsive mirror checking, glancing in reflective doors, windows and other reflective surfaces.

• Alternatively, an inability to look at one's own reflection or photographs of oneself; also, the removal of mirrors from the home.

• Attempting to camouflage the imagined defect: for example, using cosmetic camouflage, wearing baggy clothing, maintaining specific body posture or wearing hats.

• Use of distraction techniques: an attempt to divert attention away from the person's perceived defect, e.g. wearing extravagant clothing or excessive jewelry.

• Excessive grooming behaviors: skin-picking, combing hair, plucking eyebrows, shaving, etc.

• Compulsive skin-touching, especially to measure or feel the perceived defect.

• Becoming hostile toward people for no known reason, especially those of the opposite sex, or same sex if same-sex attracted.

• Seeking reassurance from loved ones.

• Excessive dieting or exercising, working on outside appearance.

• Self-harm

• Comparing appearance/body parts with that/those of others, or obsessive viewing of favorite celebrities or models whom the person suffering from BDD wishes to resemble.

• Compulsive information-seeking: reading books, newspaper articles and websites that relate to the person's perceived defect, e.g. hair loss or being overweight.

• Obsession with plastic surgery or dermatological procedures, often with little satisfactory results (in the perception of the patient).

• In extreme cases, patients have attempted to perform plastic surgery on themselves, including liposuction and various implants with disastrous results.

• Excessive enema use.

And these are the parts of my body I dislike (in bold)-

• Skin (73%)
• Hair (56%)
• Weight (55%)
• Nose (37%)
• Toes (36%)
• Abdomen (22%)
• Breasts/chest/nipples (21%)
• Eyes (20%)
• Thighs (20%)
• Teeth (20%)
• Legs (overall) (18%)

• Body build/bone structure (16%)
• Facial features (general) (14%)
• Face size/shape (12%)
• Lips (12%)
• Buttocks (12%)
• Chin (11%)
• Eyebrows (11%)
• Hips (11%)
• Ears (9%)
• Arms/wrists (9%)

• Waist (9%)
• Genitals (8%)
• Cheeks/cheekbones (8%)
• Calves (8%)
• Height (7%)
• Head size/shape (6%)
• Forehead (6%)
• Feet (6%)
• Hands (6%)
• Jaw (6%)

• Mouth (6%)
• Back (6%)
• Fingers (5%)
• Neck (5%)
• Shoulders (3%)
• Knees (3%)
• Toes (3%)
• Ankles (2%)
• Facial muscles (1%)

Evening,

I just have to say how strongly this post struck me. It's as though your words popped out of my mouth. I feel the very same way: major depressive disorder, social phobia, isolation, suicidal ideation, anxiety, intense shame, chronic low self-esteem, and self-doubt.

I do have BPD (borderline personality disorder), which doesn't seem to go with my persistent self-hate thought patterns. But OCD patterns are also consistent with BPD.

I have struggled with self-hate for as long as I can recall. I've never been thin enough, pretty, smart, funny, fun to be with, etc. I exercise a lot ~ others can see the results, but I can't. I have a boyfriend who always tells me that I'm "gorgeous". I instantly roll my eyes and then force myself to thank him (or I close my eyes as I roll them). I have tried so hard to overcome this self-hate, but it is just soooo deep within me, I don't think that it will ever be gone.

Many years of therapy, a BA in psychology, many years of a tried (and failed) marriage, and 2 beautiful daughters have done nothing to decrease my feelings of self-hate. The feelings that I hold come from deep within myself. Personally, I avoid looking at myself, to hopefully decrease my self put-downs.

Just wanted you to understand where I am coming from & how deeply I can relate to what you're saying. I know that it sucks. You're in my thoughts...

Thanks Shez, my cousin has BPD too, I think it's similar to PTSD in a way isn't it? Or some of the symptoms are?

What should I do about this BDD? Should I talk to my therapist about it? I am seeing her in a few weeks, but I can't see her very often because since I've been avoiding a lot of people I have to get there myself, it takes 3 buses or 2 buses and a 20 minute walk.

One thing I really truly can't stand is my grandparents complimenting the way I look, sometimes I can cope when it comes from other people, but especially when my grandfather comments on my appearance it makes my skin crawl. I feel like I'm to go completely nuts, it feels like a trigger. Even compliments from 2 years ago make me feel horrible when I think about it. I try to avoid wearing new clothes or anything my grandparents might notice so that they don't comment on the way I look. I've asked for them to stop before, I have even asked my grandmother to tell my grandfather to not comment on the way I look but he gets angry about it. Even if I talk about how I have a familiar face (I tend to get strangers come up to me thinking they know me from somewhere, one guy even initially thought I was his daughter) my grandfather says that it's just because I'm so attractive that they are looking for an excuse to talk to me.

I'm worried that if I get diagnosed with this BDD that bringing it up with people might draw attention to the way I look even more, like the first thing they might do is comment on my appearance. What if my therapist does it too? When I hadn't seen her in a few years and came back she commented on the way I looked and I didn't want to know about it. It's the reason I've never really talked about all this with anyone, people have an 'obligation' if you will to comment on someone's looks when they bring up how they feel. I think people are lying, I don't know how they can't see what I can see. I think they are just telling me I'm good looking because they aren't exactly going to turn around and say 'well okay you are ugly'. It's crap, it's not true at all.

Please tell your therapist, Evening. Your obsession with how you look is a major impediment to making progress.