Why Do I Get Angry When My Child Gets Hurt?

Ok, this is my first post and I'm feeling very desperate and, thus, vulnerable so, please, no harsh responses. I'm having a problem that horrifies me and it's ALL my doing. I have a 6 yr. old daughter. Anyone who's a parent knows that one would kill or die for their child, without hesitation and I am not exceptional in sharing that conviction. I am a protective mother, I teach caution to my child and it devastates me to see her cry when she's hurt and to feel her sobs and shudders. Why then, will somebody please explain this to me, why when she gets hurt is my first response one of anger at her? Not hugs, not kisses, not "there there's", not cookies and milk. Case in point, today I shut the car door and at the last second she put her hand in it. The door slammed on one of her fingers. And she immediately began crying, of course.....I would too! Why then did I respond, startled, "Why did you do that?!" I've responded this way before and it's terrible and I'm sure it sends her such an uncaring message when nothing could be further from the truth. At the instant I hear her crying, those little hairs on the back of my neck stand right up and my adrenaline shoots through the roof and I feel....fear. None of that gets conveyed. What gets shown her is that I'm uncaring, mad at her for getting hurt, irritated. I don't want to respond like that, I don't want to make her feel worse. The next steps after this happens are: I pull her to me, I go through the motions of making her feel comforted but inside I feel like so much could have been prevented and I'm not angry at her anymore, I'm angry with myself. I'm stiff. I'm not very convincing in the soothing dept. until a few minutes have passed and then something close to mourning is what I feel right as I begin to authentically sooth her from her point of view instead of mine. I don't understand this and even if I never understood it, can it just stop, can I just not be this way? It eats me up inside and this is just not a failure I want on my parental record. Any advice would be so helpful. Thank you!

I'm not sure really but I'd say you get angry because you're concerned and worried. She hurts herself - you're angry that she's hurt herself because she really might be hurt. I know that doesn't make sense. Perhaps somebody else will be able to explain it better lol.

Hi gonnagetcha and welcome to the forums.

I wonder if the anger you are showing to your daughter is anger at yourself for accidentally hurting her. That was my first thought when I read your post.

gonnagetcha, welcome to the forums!

i think fear and anger are closely related emotions. i've often been very frightened for one of my children, and then when i know they're alright, i would feel anger. however, i was able to not convey that anger, and replace it with a very stern lecture regarding safety.

i don't know what you might do to correct this, but to do alot of self talk about stopping before speaking until the moment has passed. possibly counting to ten and practicing that every time until it replaces what comes out initially.

i don't think you're a bad parent at all. i think that's instant reaction, and might be able to be replaced with another thought or action.

good luck! let us know!

kd

I am a mom of 5 and have had this same experience..for me, I immediately reacted in anger because it was a way of protection for me. A sense of control, when I was feeling totally out of control...I adore all of my children and when they got hurt, were frustrated, or anything that had to deal with them emotionally, I first reacted in anger..I was abused as a child and for me I was not allowed to have any feelings..Anger is something that I can feel powerful with in a powerless situation..If my children hurt, then I will hurt immensely, so I would get angry first, be less than comforting and then feel remorseful, hug and love them..It has take me time and effort, but I now deal with painful and overwhelming situations with my kids with patience and understanding, even though I may be feeling out of control..Please dont beat yourself up over this, I use to..I would really not like myself for not being the mom I desired to be...With guidance and time I have learned why I would feel the way I did, and slowly but surely changed my reactions..here listening and caring...

ps, just wanted to say a heartfelt Welcome Here..

Thank you very much, all, for the welcome and the insight. I've been talking to a girlfriend on the phone about this since I posted and she also allowed for the possibility that I'm burned out after all the parent-child conflicts that preceded this injury each and every day, 24-7. She was able to justify this response in a million and one ways but the bottom line is that I don't want this response, justified or not. That's not an accurate portrayal of how much I love my daughter, how truly wonderful I think she is and how deep my devotion to her. I just want a new script. But to respond to the individual posts......Silver, I know exactly what you mean, as crazy as it sounds. That's how it all feels, that's how it all plays out. Ozzie, this is my response to pain not caused by something I did too. But you made me think about that KD, I agree that anger and fear are closely related, especially since they carry alot of the same physiological symptoms. I will definitely try the self-talk, have found that to be a useful tool in the past to change behaviors so thank you for that reminder. Climbingkit, You definitely pointed out a feeling at the heart of this which is a loss of control. I know I can't make her pain instantly go away, can't undo and rewind and start over, don't have the medical expertise to instantly assess and discard what isn't happening from what is happening. But I believe I should be able to draw her to me and give immediate comfort, show some compassion and not literally add insult to injury. Another responder here asked if this was a learned response......perhaps. I know that for a stretch of two years I was babysat by two seemingly uncaring people. My aunt would respond to a hurt MAYBE with a pat on the back, if she responded at all but usually she was irritated. My uncle was extremely militant and pain was an embarrassment. To this day, for me, physical pain is very private and I do not like anyone to see me feeling low. I "buck up, quit that bellyaching, quit being wimpy, quit being WEAK." I know I learned to do that. I don't dissociate from the pain, I just bear it out in private and I'm really okay with that now. As a child, when my pain was responded to in those ways, I felt: unloved, unwanted, in the way, insignificant, as an inconvenience. You can imagine where this may have led in my adult life and you'll likely draw the correct conclusion with regard to self-esteem. However, that I remember those lessons and remember the feelings I had when being taught them, makes me want desperately not to pass those lessons on. I'll try and try and try advice and suggestions given here and hopefully find a method that works. I'm not ruling out therapy as I've found it helpful in the past. But if there's a "home remedy" available to me, that would be my first stop. So know that I'm taking your suggestions and will put them to use and see if I can't make this particular shortcoming go away. Thank you to all and please keep the ideas coming!

Hi and welcome to the boards !

I am sorry your daughter had her finger hurt, and hope it is not serious. In my humble opinion , I think perhaps, since you state you teach your daughter to be careful, and are protective of her, that when she gets hurt, your first "knee jerk" reaction could be subconciously thinking "she didnt listen when I have told her to be careful" etc. Sometimes when things happen that are out of our control, rather than have appropriate reactions, we might express an inappropriate emotion.

Above posts have great responses and suggestions. I would suggest counting to 10 before making any comment when your child has hurt herself. In your mind - think "STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not angry with her, I love her." That might "trip" that trigger from feeling angry to feeling compassion.

With that said, I do think that anger is appropriate at certain times when we see our child get hurt - and we know its just a scraped knee - because they were doing something they know not to do ! I know I have felt anger when my son has broken rules and gotten a "boo boo" while doing something wrong. I dont think that makes us bad parents. We want our children to learn from their mistakes, (of course praying nothing serious happens to them !), and to say "WHY on earth did you jump off the back of the sofa" would not be a bad thing to say - it shows they did something unsafe, got a "boo boo" as a result, and hopefully they won't do it again.

I think if you have shown anger when she has gotten hurt (like today), and you get upset with her, and then have trouble with the hugs and such, perhaps you could look at other areas in your life and see how anger affects you. Many many people DO have a problem discerning anger, fear, frustration etc.

Good luck ........and another thought - after you have had some time following an incident like this, perhaps a special cuddle time - with you telling her how sorry you are she was hurt, how scared you were, and that sometimes when you get scared seeing her hurt, it may seem like you are angry, but you aren't..just as a reassurance to her that she can tell you if she is hurt.