Please read: Very confused, scared, and lost....Help DocJohn:(

Hi everyone,

I have been offline for a few days....

I am extremely confused and need some feedback...I have posted some of this stuff before but really feel like I don't know how to move forward. I need some advice and answers on where to begin and how...

My whole life has been in chaos for about 3 and a half years...Before that, I had a very friendly, fun-loving, family and a great life in general. A very full life. I loved the holidays, I loved working hard, and I was on my way to an academic career or a career in research. I loved to decorate, play with my dogs, hang out in my commmunity and get involved in events, talk to people, was very social, outgoing, and engaging...Now I feel extremely lost in every way imaginable and it is a horrible feeling. I feel like I have lost so much and I feel beyond emotinally depleted.

Here is what happened:

April 2002 - parents moved away from long-time hometown of 22 years ( my whole life) because my dad took a new job. It was a very quick decision, did not involve my input or my mother's. My whole extended family and all friends were and still are in hometown.

May 2002 - graduated college

Sept 2002 - started grad school - got food poisoning (we thought) and had to leave, Oct 2002.

Oct. 2002 - June 2003 - sick with what turned out to be intestinal parasites (found out June 2003). Lived with parents in rural community away from hometown. Made 1 or 2 friends.

July 2003 - May 2004 - grad school. Did extremely well and very happy with career choice. Actually, I have never been so happy in my life.

May 2004 - August 2004: Very abusive relationship. Met a young guy in my hometown who proposed to me, stole $10,000 from my family, my credit cards, etc....had to deal with police questioning and was threatened repeatedly by this person not to come forward.

Sept. 2004 - Dec 2004 - back in grad school although very, very (mentally) drained. Lived alone in studio apartment while dealing with all of the continued police questioning, threats, and coursework. My family and I began to have a hard time communicating. I was feeling increasingly lonely but not anxious or depressed. Energy was fine. When I went home for Christmas everything with my family was fine. I really wanted to take a break from school and get a fun job near my parents house and "chill" for a while. But I registered anyway.

Jan 2005 - Subpoenaed to appear in court to testify against the man who did this to me. Told his record. 17 arrests, 2 first degree assaults, was told he was a total sociopath and that I was his 10th victim, and that he was a professional and completely psychotic (by the police) and that I could be in danger.

The 2 weeks before the subpoena and days afterwards I became paralyzed with fear and felt like everything was "spinning"...

The day after court I could not function. I began calling therapists and told my advisor (a psychologist) I thought I had PTSD. I kept asking everyone to "make it stop". I don't know what "it" was but it felt like I was going insane.

Classes started 3 days after court. I felt horrible and started to feel afraid of people and even afraid of my classmates who I had known for a long time. Everything just felt weird. I sudddenly felt like a small child.

I kept going to classes for 5 weeks but just wanted to stop. I felt like I was thinking "one more week, one more week". I felt like everything was screeching to a halt. I started to have trouble doing things. I think maybe I gave up too easily but I felt like I couldn't make it so I took a leave of absence.

March 2005 - Back at "home" with parents where I know no one. Went to sleep (a lot), thought I was exhausted (which I was).

May 2005 - re-enrolled in summer course. Stayed at grandmother's. Grandmother was not exactly supportive, nor were parents. I spent 3 months pretty non-functional, not leaving the house, barely making it to class. Felt displaced. Started taking xanax. Everything felt weird. I was jealous of my friends and their families who were still living at home and in the same place and had stability.

July - a simple midterm led me to take way too much xanax (it was not an attempt) because I could not calm down and was not sleeping.

I have taken a million exams, always done well, and I have no idea why I did this. I admitted myself to the hospital because I felt I had lost control. I barely met criteria to get in, apparently. Was there for 6 days. I kept running to the ER after that, 4 times, a complete wreck.

My therapist wanted me there to get off the xanax but they said they could not do it that quickly and thought I might be bipolar. Therapist disagreed and still does. Current psychiatrist still disagrees and says depression. Therapist says PTSD and depression (situational).

Currently - at "home" (in the country where I know no one) on leave...Very lonely, not working, very confused. Rediagnosed with intestinal parasites (2 weeks ago), on Klonopin for anxiety. Apparently relapsed from stress.

I am totally confused and I feel like I belong no where, miss old traditions, barely go anywhere (family has no friends here), - really isn't anywhere to go -

However, I feel like I am "waking up"....Past couple of days...

Therapist says I was dissociating for 9 months apparently but that is stopping...But I still have a hard time taking care of myself and have not "enjoyed" my "time off". Living here feels like work because I have no one to talk to. Actually, everything feels like work.

Sorry this was so long...someone help? I don't know what to do except I am totally uncomfortable and drained and feel like I have lost my niche in the world.

Jackie...I wish you good health..and I am terribly sorry for your circumstances. There is a light at the end of the tunnel tho.

It sounds like PTSD from my personal experience. I understand the fear, the uncertainty, everything. I want to talk to people, but I am afraid to. I barely have any friends. My closest friend is someone I see at the gym; she and I are a lot alike, but she is older. I have her email address, but not her phone number, so in a way its like I have no friends. Having PTSD does that to us. It makes relationships of any kind hard for us to have. Life becomes difficult to understand and tolerate, and we don't don't always know how to express. Keep posting, and keep your T--he sounds really nice. I like my T, too. He's really sweet.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Yack}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You have a common thing you mention in almost all the treads of yours I have read ..that being you are unhappy with where your parents moved....Maybe looking into moving in with an old friend "back home" would be in your best intrest...You asked for advice thats really all I have. Sometimes going BACK HOME is what is needed. Sorry I cannot be of more help nor address your other concerns and issues

((((((((((Yack))))))))))))

It sounds like you have been through some really rough experiences. I can certainly understand feeling overwhelmed with it and also missing your hometown and friends and relatives there. How far away is your hometown? Is there a friend or relative there you could go and visit for a little while? I wonder if it might do you some good to spend a little time in a place that is comfortable to you, where you have friends.

I moved around my whole life, and there isn't one place where I feel like I am from or could call a permanent home. Moving was always hard on me, so I just guess it would be even worse when you had roots and had no warning about being uprooted, and then went through all the stuff you did that would traumatize anybody. But since you are an adult, you don't have to live with your parents if you don't want to. You can live anyplace where you want to.

It sounds like you have a good T, and you have a career goal but right now it's hard to finish those last few steps to reach your goal. What if you think about where you would like to be five years from now? What do you need to do in order to get there? Can you break it down into manageable steps?

I don't know how to make it easier for you, but you can cry on my shoulder if you like. You're welcome to PM me. Ask for support when you need it, from us here, your T, your parents, etc.

Take Care,
Rap

Hmmmm, me thinks that sleeps with butterflies has a point. You need to build a solid foundation where you can feel a self and a sense of belonging. School can wait. Many of us change our career paths 3-4 times in our lives. I wonder if you went to the home town and got a job and made a SAFE home for you if it would help. You need a place that is yours and is safe. Good luck. By the way, that guy got you at a most vulnerable age and I wonder if speaking in group therapy would help. It is not your fault and very few people I know have followed a direct route of schooling straight through to a PHD and then to workforce. It seems you expect a lot from you. Be kind and find the life you need and want.

Yack,
I read your post and there could be something in there that I could offer you support for from my perspective.
You wrote,[...where to begin...how...life in chaos...feel...lost...horrible feeling...emotionally drained...January 2005...]
In reading your post, the date of January 2005 is when this started. May 2005,spent 3 months...non-functional... started X (benzodiazapine)
Currently on K (bezodiazapine)...don't know what to do...].
In following the chronology, the {3 months non-functional} came before the X.. Is that correct?
If so, the X did not cause the disfunctional condition.
However, the new BZD, Klonopin, is a chemical cousin of Xanax. Both are the type of benzodiazapines that have the potential to cause withdrawal symptoms that could be like what you describe that you are having. However, if you are taking K now, then withdrawal is not likely but there are cases where withdrawal type symptoms occur while taking the drug and you mention recommended discontinuation.
If I was to help you, I could offer some education concerning BZD. If you find out from the professionals that you are seeing the bzd is at least a part of the cause of what you experiancing, I could offer you some help from my perspective because I have overcome a horrific withdrwal from BZD that I found myself in when I was prescribed K years ago.
Lou

Hi Yack

I am a psych major and in no means am I an expert by any stretch of the imagination. From the parts I did read...you have had many many transitions very close together. Family, financial, relationships, academics...career. And in addition the usual garden of labels or diagnosis from health care professionals. They are just labels which means you dont have to live up to them, wear them as a badge of honor, or believe you have the disorder. I strongly recommend that you find a "day treatment program" (psychiatry group treatment program)...if you have a major university in your area or nearby you should inquire about it. And also all the medications in the world arent going to be helpful unless you are getting CBT (cognitive behavoral therapy). You cannot live your whole life on medications...you need to get to the root of the problem.

I hope that helps a bit.

Hugs,

Dublin_75

Dublin_75,
You wrote,[...medications...won't be helpful...can not live your whole life on medications...you need to get to the root of the problem...]
In your opinion, could there be a common {root} that causes all the problems, or if you think that there are many roots that could cause the problem?
Lou

Hi Yack,

Just take it one step at a time. Everything will come back into order as you work on it, and it will be easier to accomplish and see improvement if you set small goals all working toward the larger goal of getting everything back on track. Talk to your T about setting goals.

((((((((((((((((((((yack)))))))))))))))))))))))

i know what it's like to come out of a long period in which you've been really dissociative. the waking up is scary, uncomfortable, skaky and shocky. go hour by hour right now as you're fitting back into your world in a more complete way.

sending lots of wishes.

kd

Yes, there can be many roots to a problem and ususally like the old saying "it usually stems from childhood" and graduates from there on into adult life.

Yack, I think you're on the right track with being in treatment with both a therapist and a psychiatrist. It must be a very scary and transitional time for you, but no matter how badly you feel, it appears you're taking the steps a lot of people have trouble with taking -- getting help, trying to feel better. Keep at it!!

Unfortunately, no matter how much information you provide, nobody online is going to be able to tell you what's wrong or what your next steps should be. Only you can determine that, hopefully with the help of your therapist. Your therapist should be there to help guide you through figuring out where to go next, and how to make gradual, positive changes in your life.

((((((((Yack))))))))

Take care,
DocJohn

Hi Yack:

First, I want to say how sorry I am that you are feeling so down and overwhelmed. You have been through way more than your share. It is very admirable indeed that you are persevering with grad school as you are. You are stronger than many... and look at all of the karma points you've built up as a result of this!

It's hard for me to relate to the "home" part of it as I avoid going "home" as much as possible. But, you did say that you get a lot of pleasure out of being part of your community, and THAT part I can relate to. You're a big part of the community here! I have moved a couple of times in my life, and the happiest I've ever been is now. What helped me the most is doing exactly that... getting involved in my community. Just going to a neighborhood association meeting does a lot towards making you feel like you belong somewhere. You said you felt like you needed a niche. Doing something like that would be a great place to start. Volunteering is also good, but I can imagine that it would feel really overwhelming to commit to something right now, especially since you said you feel emotionally drained.

You certainly do seem depressed - I mean, as you describe it, your personality has changed dramatically and you are having difficulty doing things that you used to find simple. I think you should be careful about the goals you set for yourself right now (ie. grad school). Baby steps would be a good idea. Of course, continued therapy will guide you in the right direction, and consideration of meds can stop things from seeming so overwhelming.

I don't know how rural it is where you live, but what about going to craigslist.org for your city and look under 'activity partners'? Find someone to go walking with regularly. Or see if there is some kind of club that has events you can drop into if you're having a "good" day. It could be something as simple as board game night at a restaurant.

I imagine that so many members of this board have read your post and feel really awful about your situation. Many of us just don't know what to offer, other than a hug. There's not much that any of us can do, and it sounds to me like you are highly intelligent and that you have a very realistic grasp of your situation... anything that I can think of to say seems kind of trite compared to what you've already tried.

What do you think would be reasonable next steps for yourself?

(( yack ))

Love,
LMo

LMO - Before I went to court, "my breaking point", I wanted to just get a fun job and hang out. I am so far past that now I don't know what to do.

My family, friends, and professors saw the warning signs after the first criminal incident against me (May 2004) but I refused to stop. I ignored everyone and I think I was running on adrenaline. The police told me not to return to school for 6 months to prevent me from becoming like this (while it was happening).

I'm not that smart or I could have stopped this. I went from turning out flawless papers to this. I am ashamed of myself. That is the biggest problem.

I guess getting a "fun job" would be the next step. I want to go back but I can barely get interested in my work. Right now I am focusing on being able to get out of bed. I can't see past today.

Oh my god Yack... PLEASE do not beat yourself up like that! Depression and its effects are nothing to be ashamed of. I understand you. And I will say that intelligence and depression are unrelated. My husband is absolutely brilliant, and he was practically comatose for two years. Didn't work, didn't even get out of bed most of the time.

What kind of "fun job" do you mean? What's your idea of a fun job? As a first step, can you start a thread about it? Then, other members here who are interested in the same thing can maybe cheer you on to take each baby step?

What do you think?

Let me think of some things and I will write back to you...(or post)...

Thank you for being so supportive. Right now I am working on eating, sleeping, and finding a niche. Feels like I am chasing my tail and getting nowhere. Perhaps because of what I am expecting of myself - to snap back to normal NOW.

nah - don't rush yourself about snapping back. Baby steps. You have many years ahead of you to get yourself back on track.

For a chuckle, have you seen the movie What About Bob? If not, why don't you go rent it?

Want to laugh? We rented it in the psych ward while I was there. it was hilarious and ironic.

LOL!

South Park's new episode is on tonight... that always makes ME laugh...

Very upset
Overwhelmed
unbalanced
Lonely x 10
disconnected
Everything is too much to handle
No control
No social support except via phone
Uncomfortable in surroundings
Feel like I don't have my own "territory" - parents have different life now and very few friends.
I wake up in a permanent nightmare
I don't fit anywhere
No comfort except in my bed

Way too much has happened I don't even know what moving forward means anymore. It's total chaos. Seriously. I don't know what to do.

More of the same. I'm sorry.

Sorry things are so rough for you Yack. Just remember that things can and will get better. You'll be OK. Things will be OK.

((((((((((((((((((Yack)))))))))))))))))))))))

very factual itemized list of events with no feelings/emotions