[shosjo]

My wife of 20+ years was honest & loving. After I had some health issues, she had an affair about a year ago. She went to the Priest, counselors, etc to get advice whether to tell me & how to deal with her guilt. Last Summer she started continuing her cheating relationship & started loaning him money. The money issue became stressful enough that she started taking the crack cocaine instead of trying to break him of his addiction. After becoming addicted, she checked into a mental health hospital after attempting suicide. At the end of last year, she went to rehab for a month & stayed clean for another month then has started again, this time also trying Heroin. All along, she says she can't say no to the crackhead she has the relationship with. They rarely have sex even though she sleeps at his place 5 days/week. We have 2 kids still at home & she's a good mother so I don't want to divorce her for the kids sake. She says no to his initial requests for money (she has maxed out over $20,000 of credit cards and hands over her weekly paycheck) but then he starts begging & she gives in. She wants to die because she hates to give away the money. Is there a name for her condition other than maybe codependency or is there a way to stop the insanity?
Sincerely,
Desperado

[hannabee]

I'm sorry to say that the only way to stop the insanity is to stop enabling her. Take your kids and get out. Go to court, do whatever you have to do, but she is NOT a good mother. I mean really, a good mother has now become a crack head who cheats lies and steals????? I don't think so!! Get a hold of yourself and do what is necessary to protect your children and yourself from this INSANITY. Good luck to you, I know you can do this, and you HAVE to do this.

She had an affair. That happens. HOWEVER, without any remorse - there is no marriage.

Sorry - but she needs a kick in the pants if there is ANY chance on saving the marriage.

File the papers. Then and only then if she NEVER sees him again will you have a chance. Otherwise (I am sorry to say) - it is over.

[punkybrewster6k]

Sshe is having an ongoing affair and is addicted to crack and heroine.
Time to get out now. For your children AND you.
She has a long road to recovery if at all for the next few months or years if she is not honestly ready and she isnt.
You seem to either be in denial of this whole serious issue. It is dangerous to keep you and the children subjected to this. It is a very sad story with a sad ending. She will have to hit rock bottom and that may take a long time.
I am sorry you have to go through this.

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[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by shosjo

We have 2 kids still at home & she's a good mother so I don't want to divorce her for the kids sake.

No ... she isn't. She's had an extended affair, used crack and heroine, supports her extramarital boyfriend ... shall I go on?

It's better for kids to come from a broken home than a dysfunctional one.

Kick her to the curb, take your kids and never look back.

[justbeingme80]

Stop enabling her. She is not being a good mother to your kids. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids.

[Alone & confused]

You can not help someone by enabling their destructive lifestyle or bad habits. They won't change anything they do unless there are consequences to their actions, and sometimes even that isn't enough. people have to want to change, no one can do it for them. Your kids don't need to see you condoning and supporting this lifestyle of addiction and affairs and such either. Children learn from their environment. If they see you take a stand against it, then there are more likely to know it is unacceptable and hopefully not follow in the mothers path.

[SeekerOfLife]

Sorry, friend. I would not hold onto any hope for this relationship. She is not a good mother. Don't give her money or support. Get those children away ASAP. You may be living in the past. Don't worry about her. Take care of yourself and the children. She has made her bed. Let her lie in it. Sorry to be blunt. It must really hurt. Be careful and wise. Go to social services, police, a lawyer. Don't let her do any more damage.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by shosjo

My wife of 20+ years was honest & loving. After I had some health issues, she had an affair about a year ago. She went to the Priest, counselors, etc to get advice whether to tell me & how to deal with her guilt. Last Summer she started continuing her cheating relationship & started loaning him money. The money issue became stressful enough that she started taking the crack cocaine instead of trying to break him of his addiction. After becoming addicted, she checked into a mental health hospital after attempting suicide. At the end of last year, she went to rehab for a month & stayed clean for another month then has started again, this time also trying Heroin. All along, she says she can't say no to the crackhead she has the relationship with. They rarely have sex even though she sleeps at his place 5 days/week. We have 2 kids still at home & she's a good mother so I don't want to divorce her for the kids sake. She says no to his initial requests for money (she has maxed out over $20,000 of credit cards and hands over her weekly paycheck) but then he starts begging & she gives in. She wants to die because she hates to give away the money. Is there a name for her condition other than maybe codependency or is there a way to stop the insanity?
Sincerely,
Desperado

your question....

Originally Posted by shosjo

Is there a name for her condition other than maybe codependency or is there a way to stop the insanity?

Im sorry but we can not tell you what to do, how to stop the insanity as you call it. only her own treatment providers and your wife can tell you what she needs, you need, and your children need in order for things to get better...

all we do here is share our own problems, share whether we have the same problems as another member and share what our own treatment providers have us on for treatment options for our own problem....

another way to look at this is going online in groups like this, is just like if you had an alcohol problem or drug problem and you went to a support group where there are no doctors, therapists, everyone in the room is just like your self, struggling with that same problem or knows someone with the same problems. no one in the room tries to treat each others problems, just share a bit of what they are going through. for diagnosing and professional advice on how to treat and get through the problem well thats where doctors, therapists and psychiatrists come in.

my suggestion is you have some options...

if things get out of control you can take the steps to have her hospitalized again either voluntarily or involuntarily.

if things get to be too much for you to handle you can take the self care move of seeing a mental health treatment provider that can teach you the tools you may need in order to help yourself feel better and handle the stress, emotions...what ever that comes from being the spouse of a possibly mentally ill person..

or you can separate from your wife if thats what ....you ....feel is best for your children and you...

the options are endless depending upon your own off line situation, location, off line resources.....

[billc]

Ok , this is simple and please dont look to deep into what is going on with her. This is a bad situation and I have been in a similar one. If she isnt going to come home permanently then move on. Stand by your children

[hayleytheherbivore]

It is clear that she is struggling with battles of her own. But it's NOT okay how she is and has been treating you. Don't let your kids hold you back from this continuing. The bad is extreme and is outweighing the good. You don't deserve to have her being so disloyal. Yes, she's appeared to make an effort to change and to get help in the past but she hasn't stuck with it or have been working her treatment like she should. You're being weighed down by the chains she is burdening you with. Your thread says "Please help BEFORE I divorce my wife" but I think divorcing her is actually the most practical option in this scenario. She isn't fit to be caring for your children at the moment anyway.

[healingme4me]

She's playing with fire, with those hard drugs. Spends 5 nights a week, away from home...and has wracked up over 20k in cc debt, never mind what else you've, yourself and your kids have lost, to all of this.
Because of this, no judge, knowingly, with knowledge of this would allow anything, but supervised visitation, at her expense.
Maybe, she does love her kids, and your memories of her before overshadow the reality, that is today. With all this, you could speak to a priest, about an annulment, as well. A full Tribunal study is $400. Without study, say like my case, not married in church and couldn't find exes baptismal records, it's $50. So, $450. Mine took one week. Some can take longer.
It's clear, she's not upholding vows.

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[Patagonia]

Shosjo. I'm sad to hear your story. You're not living in a secure environment & either are your children like so many stated above.
I do have to ask, when you wrote this thread were these the answers you were looking for? Are you surprised by them? Where do you fit into this relationship? Children need a good role model father too. Don't forget your role is very important here. What are you doing to help yourself here? Are you still in love w/ your wife & that's why you're staying in the marriage? There must be some reason why you're staying involved in this relationship besides the kids. You need to honestly look @ the pros & cons. Where will this situation be next year? In 5 years?
I hope you find some happiness for yourself soon.
Peace

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[Perna]

If, for whatever reason, you and your wife really wanted to try something else; I would move far away from this other man, have your wife give her all her money/paycheck and destroy her credit cards (so she only has what you give her to spend until she is clean and rehabilitated) and see if the two of you can get her back together.

[Verity81]

Yes get out now before your kids grow up thinking taking crack and heroin is 'the norm'.

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[amandalouise]

Shosjo I have been trying to think of other things for this situation. its so easy for us to tell you things like get out of the relationship, medicate, dont medicate, get a new doctor, dont get a new doctor sit down with the existing ones, divorce your wife ....you know all those things that naturally go through my head when I am trying to help someone I know who appears to be in a bad situation...

but the line in the sand is that only you can make this situation better, only you know all the different elements in this situation. what I tell you to do may end up being a very dangerous /life threatening thing to do....

for example

one of my thoughts is maybe its better to leave and get divorced....

but on the other side of the coin what if this is a volitile/domestic violence situation that I may not have all the information about...then we have a person who the moment hears the words "Im leaving" takes the children and spouse hostage, isolating them in, terrorizing them, abusing them or committing murder/suicide....

or maybe my thought is do nothing...and the person ends up killing their self because they feel their spouse doesnt care.

or maybe my thought is take her to the hospital and have her hospitalized. well I know of cases where when a mentally ill person realized they were on the way to the hospital they jumped out of the moving vehicle...

bottom line is no matter what anyone / I tell you only you know what you can and should do about this because it is you are the one living the situation, you are the only one that knows what resources there are in your location, what your rules/laws and such in your location say to do about this situation.

since I dont want to cause you more harm then good by telling you to do things that I would do if it was me, which can cause more harm then good, my suggestion is

if this continues to bother you contact a treatment provider in your location, they can help you sort through your thoughts, feelings, all the different elements of this situation and they can also hook you up with the appropriate people who have mental health qualifications to deal with this kind of thing.

when we come here to psych central, we are just like you....people with mental problems and people with loved ones with mental problems so we cant tell you what to do about your wife.

only you can do whats right for you and your family since you are the one living the situation.

[brains4beauty]

How can she be a good mother if she's staying with a drug dealer five nights a week, addicted to heroin?! Take the kids and leave.

Sometimes, people come to these kinds of forums, not just to see if someone can relate to what they are going through, but to help them see clearly.

If you are in the middle of a bad situation and cannot see the forest for the trees, it helps to get the opinions of others. Sometimes you're too close to a situation to recognize danger.

I think that you need to consider your children first and foremost. If you do, then you will see that the very first thing that you need to do is remove them from this toxic situation.

Then you can help her, IF SHE WANTS IT.

[tooyoungtobesad]

If she is leaving you and the kids for some other guy, she's not worth it.

[bronson.wilams]

You sound like a very forgiving man .... A number of things bring up red flags.
You stated she is a good mother but is no longer sleep at your home with the kids. Kids are innocent but they are hurting too.
Divorce is awful but would you want to continue down this path with her... It does not seem like she is ready to change.
Namaste
J

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[Nammu]

It is very hard to let go of a relationship you have invested 20 plus years with as well as the future relationship you thought you would have, but she has already emotionally left your family. Have you looked into Al anon these are people who can help you learn how to stop enabling she behavior and help you and your family deal with these actions of hers.

[Trippin2.0]

You state you're staying for the kids, when in fact leaving for the kids is a much healthier option.

If you all carry on the way you are now, what type of example will you be setting, what type of life lessons will your children take away from this?

* No need to respect your dad, your mom clearly doesnt, he doesn't even seem to have any self-respect.

*Drug addiction is perfectly acceptable in this house, there are zero consequences. I will enable and pay for your addictions and for those of your deadbeat partners.

*Marriage means its perfectly acceptable to stay with somone who disrespects you,openly cheats on you, and has zero respect for you.

Sorry to be so blunt but you have to come out from under that rock and think of your kids in a more longterm and practical fashion, instead of purely emotional.

Yes it will suck to have a mother who only visits them now and then. But staying away 5 nights a week, means they're already in that boat anyway, its just not official. As it stands your wife's current role in their lives is to simply pose as mom.

The environment your wife can potentially expose them to is very dangerous. I dated a meth addict, I know how ugly the scenery can get. Refusing to expose my (our) daughter to his lifestyle choices is what lead to our break up.

Here's food for thought:

*Are you comfortable and completely at ease with leaving them alone in her care?

*Do you trust her to be responsible for them and their safety at all times, even when she's high as a kite?

*Do you trust them alone with her while she's jonesing for a fix? (What if she leaves them to meet her dealer? Or heaven forbid let them tag along)

* Do you know for sure there's no way her druggie bf or drug dealer will never come into contact with your kids?

*Do you know for sure that they will NEVER witness their mother shooting up, smoking meth, suffering from withdrawls, or God forbid OD'ing?

I urge you to think about this, its noble that you want to keep their "good" mother in their lives... But at what price I ask.