[Impala]

Well , I've still not contacted my friend.. ( I posted the backround in the new memeber section) .........been doing other things /seeing other friends.She's not contacted me either. The thing is,one or 2 people have said I shouldn't take her behaviour at face value.I guess recently I've adopted the approach."She's broken off contact ,therefore she doesn't want me around.She knows she's behaved hurtfully so it's up to her to put that right if she wants to.She can get in touch with me if she feels that's what she wants " (Course then I'd have to see how I feel about it).

Some people have said though that because she's ill,it's not so straightforward-she may be regretting what she's done but feel unable to contact me because of her illness and because she knows she's hurt me.They say she said she cares about me so it shows this isn't what she really wants and it's up to me to make the first move.I don't know how they can know all these things..............is not right to just say,she's brought about this situation and if she wants to alter it,she's quite capable of doing so.Is that too harsh?

[Direction]

Well I have a friend not returning phone calls or emails...I left this email...it is not an easy email to write...

(persons name),

I'm guessing that since I haven't heard back - I must have done something wrong or upset you in some manner...

You have always been straight forward with me....I would appreciate if you could tell me...so I can make it right.

If I done something that has put you over the edge and you can't talk to me anymore...I'm really sorry as I value you as a friend...

If this is the case I will stop calling and emailing you...as I don't won't to feel like I'm harassing anyone.



Anyway I believe in direct assertive communication...before assuming or writting someone off...just a thought.

[sabby]

Impala,

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time with a friend right now. I guess what is important is how YOU feel. Do YOU want to continue the friendship? Are YOU willing to take the steps to open the lines of communication again?

Granted, people do and say things that are hurtful at times. Sometimes we don't know what brings it on, how they are feeling, what went through their minds at the time. And sometimes it is hard for those who have hurt a friend or loved one to open up and apologize or make the step to contact the one they hurt. Many times it's out of fear of rejection that we back off and say nothing.

I hope you can come to terms with this soon and know in your heart how you want to proceed.

Good luck with this!

Hugssssssss
Jean

[Impala]

I really don't know what I want to do.I feel guilty because she at least says she's broken off the friendship due to her illness .............that she can't cope with the "pressure" of it right now.Saying that,she does keep on with a relationship she's developed online.She says that "meets her needs" currently ,which sounds as though she's using that person and makes me wonder iif that's what she was doing with me too and now I'm just no longer "useful".Then again.............if she's ill............... I suppose the bottom line is that she's chosen to do this and she isn't asking me to get back in touch (then ,as I've said above-people have said she may feel unable to do that! ) .I wish I knew the answer.

[Impala]

Has anyone ever felt the way people say my friend may be feeling? For me to try contacting heragain would risk me getting badly hurt (again)............I've no idea of knowing whether they are right or whether my simplistic view is best?

[Direction]

Well I have certainly pushed people away directly and indirectly...I don't think she is using anyone...just trying to do what she can to make it through what ever she is going through...

As a friend just be there when she is able to come back...

[Impala]

I'm afarid my friend has as good as said she's using this other person-that she knows there's no future in it,it's not best for the other person,but it "meets her needs at the moment".It's not a very nice thing to say,and I don't like saying it of her,but I think it's a fact .I also feel that she used me too but then when I asked for something from the friendship there was nothing there.

The hurt that she has caused me won't seem to go away.I am spending time with other friends.I don't know if telling her how I feel to get things off my chest is a good idea or not?

[FnordianSlip]

back when the two of you were constant companions, why were you? i mean - why did you participate in that? i'll speculate that needs of yours were being met by having that relationship with your friend. and visa-versa i'm sure. call me a pessimist but even altruism is an illusion. people who put themselves on the line for others are not doing so selflessly - they're doing it because it makes them feel good about themselves.

obviously, i'm not in the know about very many of the details of the relationship you have with this person, but from what you have shared i can see that the one who spurned you has a lot in common with myself - 'illness'-wise. except that i don't fib about my degree of social impairment. it's quite apparent that the condition is disabling because in this very social world we live in, she's not being very sociable...except online. i'm not often very sociable either...except online, where i have absolute control as to when in in what manner my social interactions take place. if i don't have that sort of control over my personal reality, %#@&#! can start to fall apart in a hurry.

and lastly, (mostly because i've been awake for 28 hours after having been asleep for 16), i'm reminded of and excerpt from a televised psychology course that used to come on late on public telelvision in a place i used to live -

the situation... psychotherapist and therapee

therapee: "but i'm afraid that if i reject him, he'll be hurt."

therapist: " by merely rejecting him, you can't hurt him - that's voodoo. if he's hurt by your rejection of him, that's all on him. he is choosing to feel bad about it. you didn't make him do it."

end excerpt

in short, do your thing and let her do hers .

that is all

[eskielover]

It sounds like she is going through some issues & needs to be away at this time.....it is important to respect her needs.....& to be there if & when she feels she is capable of coming back as a friend......maybe she is trying not to hurt you with the way she is feeling right now & the best way she feels she can do that is to not be close to you right now.

Respecting her feelings is important....but being a friend means not getting hurt by her needs & just being there for her IF OR WHEN she is ready to come back.

Respecting others is part of being a friend also,
Debbie

[pachyderm]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
FnordianSlip said:
i'm reminded of and excerpt from a televised psychology course that used to come on late on public telelvision in a place i used to live -

the situation... psychotherapist and therapee

therapee: "but i'm afraid that if i reject him, he'll be hurt."

therapist: " by merely rejecting him, you can't hurt him - that's voodoo. if he's hurt by your rejection of him, that's all on him. he is choosing to feel bad about it. you didn't make him do it."

end excerpt

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I have a bit of trouble with this. He is choosing to feel bad. Uh, yeah. Bad on him.

More accurate (IMO): I'm afraid that if I reject him, he'll be hurt and then he will hurt me.

I like truth. It helps in understanding things.

BTW, I am NOT blaming anyone here. (Except maybe the therapist, for missing the truth.)

[FnordianSlip]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pachyderm said:

I have a bit of trouble with this. He is choosing to feel bad. Uh, yeah. Bad on him.

More accurate (IMO): I'm afraid that if I reject him, he'll be hurt and then he will hurt me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

we're responsible for our own perceptions are we not - ultimately? there are no buttons but the ones we create, imo.

though i agree your scenario seems likely from what i observed of the therapee on the show.

[Impala]

I'm not sure I agree with this either.............taking it to its logical conclusion would absolve us of all responsibilities in our behaviour towards others.

Og course some of my needs were met-friends meet needs in each other don't they? The problem comes when one wants it all on their terms,and worse still lies about what they're capable of doing ie they can make the effort for one person (because it suits them),but "can't" for another.

How can you respect someone's views when they tell lies and behave hurtfully ?(and know they're doing it!).

[KathyM]

I have a friend who is always there for people in need.

I had a spell with my eyes - ocular migraines for 3 days straight. All I could see was a kaleidoscope in my field of vision - barely anything else. It also triggered a huge migraine.

My friend calls me to check up on me and tell me she cares for me. Here was her response when I told her how sick I was feeling and terrified about living with amyloidal. "Oh, you need to hop into your car and get your butt over here to work on scrapbooking with me. Darn, the kids are calling - can I call you back?" Click.

I hang up and think to myself I'm going to have to poke that girl's ears with my knitting needles next time I talk with her. How the heck can I drive or look at PHOTOGRAPHS when I can't even see my own hand and too sick to get out of bed?

Three months later she calls to check up on me and tell me she cares. I tell her "I heard you died. You never called me back, so I figured it was true. What's up?"

She does it to me all the time. As we speak, I'm going on week two of "Can I call you right back in a few minutes?" This is after I told her my husband, my lifeline, probably has colon cancer (after his first ever colonoscopy), but we won't know for sure until September. Her response to that one was "OMG we all have to be sure to get a colonoscopy at this age - it's so important."

Silly girl. At least I know she's okay.

Should I be angry with her "lies" and "selfish" behavior?" Or should I show her a little compassion and understand that woman gets pulled in all sorts of directions?

Maybe when she gets around to calling me, I'll tell her: "You didn't hear the news? I died last week! It was a LOVELY gathering - wish you could have been there!" (she likes to laugh too)

[Impala]

I'm sorry to hear about your husband KathyM .I hope it's good news in September. It doesn't sound as though your friend was very understanding about your difficulties.

I'm not quite sure what you're saying to me in relation to my situation.It certainly isn't a case of my former friemd getting pulled in all directions with other people.She has an online relationship which she's obsessed with but no other real life friends. (Well none,now she doesn't have me!).

[KathyM]

Thank you Impala

We've known each other a long time - used to spend a LOT of time together.

It was her own head that was pulling her apart, in addition to life.

She was horribly abused as a child, and we had a similar upbringing and experiences in life. She knows exactly what I'm going through, and she knows how terrifying it is to lose the only person in the world you trust. She knows I'm totally screwed, and there isn't a darn thing she or anyone else can do about it.

I can't blame her for experiencing flashbacks of past terror and becoming breathless. Everyone does it - especially if you're trying to find a memory that can relate to a person's situation. I should feel honored she took it so personally - as if we're connected.

How well do you know your friend's history? Can you guarantee me that nothing you would say to her would trigger terrifying thoughts?

I'm stuck in mom mode - sorry for all the preachy lectures, lol

[Impala]

Hi Kathy M

I know enough to know that much of my friend's struggles are to do with her upbringing.I also know that although she knows that deep down,she'll do anything to distract from facing it.When I say that it's not a criticism at all......coming to the realisation that your own parents have actually caused your problems is huge for anyone to face and I don't blame her one bit for trying to distract from it.We've had some pretty deep conversations though and deep down,she knows.

I think we're out of contact now because I expressed my concern about a current issue in her life.A concern which she accepts and acknowledges but doesn't want to hear.

She really hasn't got anyone who long term genuinely cares for her. I do ,which is why I'm bothering to write this now even though we're no longer in contact.Which is why I worry about all this stuff.

[KathyM]

It's easy to sift through the drawers of others, but it takes a really strong heart to have the nerve to dig through the baggage we've carried with us our whole lives.

Maybe she doesn't want to lean on you now because she wants to prove to you she's a big girl and can clean her own room without supervision.

By all means, be sure she has your number in case she needs your help on how to make a bed - or wants to show off how sparkling clean she made her room.

My friend may sound like a cold-hearted air head, but I KNOW she would be there if I truly needed her. Without hesitation, she stood by my side and coached me when my son was born - 19 hours of hard labor and only ONCE took a break for a cigarette. She also almost allowed me to bite on her arm to keep from screaming, but changed her mind at the last minute and shook her finger at me saying "No biting." She'd do it again in a heartbeat.

We all heal on our own time - it can't be forced.

[Impala]

I think the difference between our 2 situations KathyM is that whereas you know your friend will be there for you,when I really needed my friend not too long ago she wasn't,said she "couldn't be".I know from her general behaviour that that's not true.Ill or not,if she's really really wanted to do something,she's always done it.She used to derive something from our friendship too-so was prepared to be supportive etc.Currently,she doesn't feel the friendship meets a need in her so, she won't make the effort.Many many times when she's needed help and support ,both practically and emotionally,I've given it.It's not there the other way round.