Why should I even bother changing anymore? Why should I have to do things the hard way? I've been questioning this for awhile and I'm done trying to figure things out on my own so I've taken the time to write up an in depth analysis of the only options that I see available for myself and depending on the responses that I get, I will make my choice.

I'm also considering giving up on PC because lately, I've been finding it hurtful rather than helpful since I have been seeing a lot of people healing and doing better for themselves while I continue to be miserable and chronically unhappy.

So please, help me figure out a better way of looking at things because things are too overwhelming for me.

Here goes:

I've been beginning to think that it's not worth the trouble for me to even bother changing. After all, why should I have to deal with the trouble of trying to find a therapist who can actually help me (which would be a draining challenge in itself considering that there are many who either think and do things differently than me or who flat out suck), spend the hundreds or thousands of dollars on sessions, and spend what will most likely be several years to heal just so I MIGHT be able to have more meaningful relationships with people.

If I will always have difficulties both with forming healthy relationships with people and functioning in society in a manner that is considered "acceptable", why should I have to suffer even more going through the lengthy and financially restricting healing process only to possibly make my issues "less severe". Why should I have to spend years of my already painfully short existence being more miserable and money that I could instead use to do something meaningful with my life such as going to school or starting a business or even something that could bring me happiness in the short term such as buying a new video game or gadget or eating out at a nice restaraunt, if I am going to have difficulties anyway? I'm perfectly well aware enough to realize that somebody who has been through as much trauma as I have can never fully heal 100% no matter how hard I try, so why should I bother?

I don't see the point in taking on any task no matter how big or small unless the positive experiences (pleasure, reward) outweigh the negative (work, pain). Simply put, I value pleasure above all else and I see no point in attempting such a task that holds no benefit for me in the short term UNLESS I can be convinced that the reward will be worth the effort and pain. As a result, I believe I only have 2 options available to me:

Option 1: Strive to get help any way I can. Find a therapist that doesn't suck and see them weekly and do what they say. Read up on some self health methods on my own as well as practice healthy diet, meditation, and exercise to streamline the process. If I succeed I just MIGHT be able to form a healthy relationship with a woman and have meaningful relationships with other people before I'm 35, yet they still would likely not be the same as a "normal person's"

Option 2: Focus all of my efforts on escaping from the pain any way I can rather than healing. Get myself lost in my work during the day and play video games or watch anime at night. If these don't work on their own than participate in other unhealthy behaviors to get my needs met. Focus only on learning skills that are profitable rather than waste my time learning knowledge that might help me become a better person. Strive to start a tech or video game business and eventually become rich and powerful off inventing something that people love. If I need money to achieve my ambitions, get it via questionable means. Let all of my friendships revolve around my tech and video game centered lifestyle which would mean that all of my friendships would be online. Get my sexual needs met solely by prostitutes when I start becoming financially successful since I would be able to afford it that way I can avoid emotional intimacy like the plague and prevent a woman from eventually betraying me and taking half of my assets (this happens to all rich men, right?) Yes, I realize that I would likely have it worse when it comes to relationships with other people if I chose this path rather than the first one but at least I would have a more eventful and interesting life and would have a strong possibility of being loved and remembered by the rest of humanity when I die which would at least ensure that I won't ever be forgotten.

I think you already know which option is the healthier, more mature choice to make. (The second one is kind of unrealistic and just a tad sexist, to be honest).

I'm wondering how many people would need to tell you that Option 1 is the better choice before you decided to go with it. 10? 100? 1000? When it comes down to it, it has to be YOU and YOU ALONE that decides what path you will take. We can scream Option 1 until we're blue in the face, but if you're not willing to put in the work then it simply won't happen.

It's your life and you have to choose how to live it. I wish you the best of luck.

[Perna]

No one can make you change or want to change, it is all what you want to go after. I don't find it "healing" so much as learning new behaviors, new ways of being. What we don't learn in the first 20-25 years, and everyone has difficulties/areas where they did not get what they wanted or feel they need to live a successful adult life, we can still learn those things, it's just that, as adults, we have to take over the choosing and decision making as to what we want/need; no adults to decide for us, positively or not know enough themselves to be good adults, etc. and to have helped us as we were growing up and under their care.

If you decide on #1 and want to explore self-help; there's a good, reputable online book that might help: Psychological Self-Help

But I don't know how you can learn to interact with people better without working at it, learning and growing (which, if you remember your early teen years when your legs started to grow and ached constantly?) which can be painful. We can only learn from mistakes; do things right and there's no "lesson" there? But I don't think Life will let you do your option #2 very successfully; it's like dreams where you are running from monsters, etc., the only way to make the dreams stop/leave you alone is to turn and confront the monster. You have to embrace the nightmares, the bad situations and tell your heart and head you are interested in them and what they are trying to do for you, that you are "paying attention" before they will quit hitting you with 2x4's to get your attention, to get us to work with instead of against ourselves?

Option 2 really isn't that unrealistic considering I know ways to make the kind of money it would require to be able to start something like that. The ways of me making that kind of money would be doing some rather dishonorable things but I honestly don't care anymore. I truly don't care about most people and I'm fully capable of hurting others to get ahead in life if I need to because let's face it, why should I care? People never cared about me or helped me enough when I needed somebody the most. No human being can possibly heal the emptiness and pain inside of me so if I have to use others instead to ease my own pain, so be it.

Even if I do take a more honest route to obtaining wealth, it still doesn't change the fact that I'm broke now and am still struggling and one needs money to see a therapist or make lifestyle changes that would help and lets face it, I don't have the fortitude in my current mental state to do things the long, slow, hard way. I also don't have the motivation to read self help books right now because I struggle just to even get my basic needs met so it would be too hard and overwhelming to do all of the self improvement things on my own right now.

Not to mention, I have a number of really cool ideas involving designing my own online games, making a virtual world with the emergence of VR, or even ideas on how to make better computers and devices either for gaming or business, but I can't ever do anything that I want because I'm always broke and struggling to obtain and hold a decent paying job.

So I guess what I'm asking for is somebody to prove me wrong. Maybe try to convince me that I will have other options that are more viable or appeal to my desire for a good reward to be worth the amount of risk or work that I put into a task?

I honestly don't know.

You seem to see this as a very black and white issue when there are problems many, many options in between that can actually accomplish the positives of both #1 and #2 while at the same time avoid the problems with each of your defined black or white paths to your future. But honestly, I'm not sure you really want to hear them. In your mind, you seem rather hell bent on doing all the negative things to somehow fulfill your own most negative views of yourself. You have positive options that are workable, but you are unwilling to do the work.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

You seem to see this as a very black and white issue when there are problems many, many options in between that can actually accomplish the positives of both #1 and #2 while at the same time avoid the problems with each of your defined black or white paths to your future. But honestly, I'm not sure you really want to hear them. In your mind, you seem rather hell bent on doing all the negative things to somehow fulfill your own most negative views of yourself. You have positive options that are workable, but you are unwilling to do the work.

It's not that I don't want to work it's more like I'm wanting to do less work. I simply have no desire to spend the next several years of what little is left of my youth going through the painful process of changing just so society might one day accept me; I shouldn't have to struggle just to function in a society that truly doesn't care about people with MI. I'm tired of pain.

Why should I be punished? It's not my fault my childhood was a living hell so why should I have to struggle as an adult because of it?

I am open to other options though and I also am open to what you have to say. Besides, if I don't want to hear something it is simple for me to log off PC and boot up my game instead

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

It's not that I don't want to work it's more like I'm wanting to do less work. I simply have no desire to spend the next several years of what little is left of my youth going through the painful process of changing just so society might one day accept me; I shouldn't have to struggle just to function in a society that truly doesn't care about people with MI. I'm tired of pain.

Why should I be punished? It's not my fault my childhood was a living hell so why should I have to struggle as an adult because of it?

I am open to other options though and I also am open to what you have to say. Besides, if I don't want to hear something it is simple for me to log off PC and boot up my game instead

Have you tried applying for entry level jobs like fast food? These are jobs that anyone can get with minimal experience.

I hope this does not sound harsh - but you seem to have a childlike mentality in some ways. For example, the "reward" mentality - that if we have to do something unpleasant, we should be rewarded for it. Unfortunately for adults, this just isn't going to be the case all the time. There are things we must do in life that are not the most enjoyable...that's just life!

Also I read in another post that you plan to make a living with streaming, youtube channel, etc. I love watching youtubers and think it's an awesome thing IF you are one of the lucky few that can succeed in this way. I'm sure you realize how hard it is to establish yourself in this field and gain popularity. Sure, have that stuff as a side project, but do not make it your only source of income. Accept the fact that you probably have to work at a job that isn't all fun and games.

[(JD)]

I hear ya.

Playing computer/video whatever games is a form of self therapy.... it takes us out of the real world that seems too harsh to live in and gives us a break (IF we can just pick games that don't exacerbate the issues we have IRL)...

Healing is hard. And sometimes benefits are not forthcoming for tooooooo long. AND it isn't a steady improvement... you improve and fall back a bit and improve and fall back again a bit... frustrating to me!

Go slower. Be gentler with yourself. Do what you can when you have a good mind set to accomplish something, and don't beat yourself up when you. just. can't. ((hug))

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

Have you tried applying for entry level jobs like fast food? These are jobs that anyone can get with minimal experience.

I hope this does not sound harsh - but you seem to have a childlike mentality in some ways. For example, the "reward" mentality - that if we have to do something unpleasant, we should be rewarded for it. Unfortunately for adults, this just isn't going to be the case all the time. There are things we must do in life that are not the most enjoyable...that's just life!

Also I read in another post that you plan to make a living with streaming, youtube channel, etc. I love watching youtubers and think it's an awesome thing IF you are one of the lucky few that can succeed in this way. I'm sure you realize how hard it is to establish yourself in this field and gain popularity. Sure, have that stuff as a side project, but do not make it your only source of income. Accept the fact that you probably have to work at a job that isn't all fun and games.

Well, I am a Hedonist and I don't really give a flying flip about emotional maturity, so there's that.

Also, I can make it big with twitch streaming and YouTubing if I had $200-500 to spare to hire a SEO/internet marketing team to advertise my channels which is exactly what I intend on doing. I'm also a literal God when it comes to online gaming, especially in hearthstone where I'm a legend ranked player which will make it even easier for me. After all, why do things the hard way when there is always a flaw in every system ready to be circumvented?

Not that it matters or anything considering I feel better now that I devised another scheme to make some quick cash. I'm back into my Machiavellian mode now which is the closest thing that I know to true happiness.

I'm more motivated than ever to get myself out my this funk that I'm in

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

Have you tried applying for entry level jobs like fast food? These are jobs that anyone can get with minimal experience.

I hope this does not sound harsh - but you seem to have a childlike mentality in some ways. For example, the "reward" mentality - that if we have to do something unpleasant, we should be rewarded for it. Unfortunately for adults, this just isn't going to be the case all the time. There are things we must do in life that are not the most enjoyable...that's just life!

Also I read in another post that you plan to make a living with streaming, youtube channel, etc. I love watching youtubers and think it's an awesome thing IF you are one of the lucky few that can succeed in this way. I'm sure you realize how hard it is to establish yourself in this field and gain popularity. Sure, have that stuff as a side project, but do not make it your only source of income. Accept the fact that you probably have to work at a job that isn't all fun and games.

And yes, I did try to apply for fast food several times and I can't ever get a call back from most places that I apply to and I even failed 3 interviews because I'm utter garbage at interviewing and I don't have anything to give me an advantage over other people yet so I gave up on it until I get a resume to put me ahead of these idiot kids who apply there either because mommy and daddy told them or because they want to save money or whatever. I will also have 3-4 quality references soon so I'm waiting on that before I even try again.

Either way though, I only need a job for 3-6 months tops only to ensure that my basic needs are taken care of and I get some money saved up long enough to start my online anime, video game, and cosplay goods dropshipping store that I plan on starting which will eventually be my primary source of income.

Select the healthiest parts of one and two, shake and combine to provide a new option "3" and that's the one I would choose. Good luck...I know what it's like to realize there is no real way to heal all the trauma.

[avlady]

good luck!!!

[avlady]

i didn't mean god luck in a bad way

[Rizzar]

“Strong people define themselves; weak people allow others to define them.” ― Ken Poirot

You are responsible for your well-being. You are the author of your life.

Asking others to comment does not change your role.

I wish you well.

When people suffer abuse, they are not the authors of their lives and not weak.

[Open Eyes]

There are more productive ways to earn money than a fast food place.

You can search different builders/contractors and call them and ask them if they need any helpers. Often there are builders, plumbers, painters, lawn care businesses, nurseries that may need workers. The thing about working in these places is while you may start on a low level, you can actually "learn" things about each of these businesses. The most important thing to remember is "listen" and be dependable.

I have met individuals that get up at the crack of dawn and they go to a local horse farm and muck stalls for 2 or 3 hours often making $10 and hour under the table, they finish that and go and clean a couple of homes if one is good at that one can make $15 an hour and up, they finish that and wait tables at night and if one can be a good waiter/waitress at a busy place one can make a couple hundred on a busy night. The key is to do a good job, listen, be dependable and people will keep you on.

People who gain wealth always have more than one iron in the fire. So, an example of learning how to do that you would figure out how to work more than one job, create time to start that computer thing you talk about using the money you get from these jobs and continue along that path until the computer thing either takes off, or if it doesn't you are still making money, in a forward motion while you think about another approach where your original goal in this gaming thing might work. That is more of a positive way to "buck" the system in what you are thinking has to mean doing something "shady" in order to make quick money. These shady individuals typically end up at the short end of the stick in "jail".

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

There are more productive ways to earn money than a fast food place.

You can search different builders/contractors and call them and ask them if they need any helpers. Often there are builders, plumbers, painters, lawn care businesses, nurseries that may need workers. The thing about working in these places is while you may start on a low level, you can actually "learn" things about each of these businesses. The most important thing to remember is "listen" and be dependable.

I have met individuals that get up at the crack of dawn and they go to a local horse farm and muck stalls for 2 or 3 hours often making $10 and hour under the table, they finish that and go and clean a couple of homes if one is good at that one can make $15 an hour and up, they finish that and wait tables at night and if one can be a good waiter/waitress at a busy place one can make a couple hundred on a busy night. The key is to do a good job, listen, be dependable and people will keep you on.

People who gain wealth always have more than one iron in the fire. So, an example of learning how to do that you would figure out how to work more than one job, create time to start that computer thing you talk about using the money you get from these jobs and continue along that path until the computer thing either takes off, or if it doesn't you are still making money, in a forward motion while you think about another approach where your original goal in this gaming thing might work. That is more of a positive way to "buck" the system in what you are thinking has to mean doing something "shady" in order to make quick money. These shady individuals typically end up at the short end of the stick in "jail".

I can look into what you suggested. The only issue for me, however, is transportation since I have neither a car nor a license at this point and a lot of the farm type work where I live is way outside the reach of public transportation for me, and even if that isn't the case, I don't see anybody hiring me for something like that when I don't have experience. How is one supposed to prove they are dependable when nobody will give them a chance to prove themselves? If I get a regular job, I would rather do fast food or retail, because once again, I want an easy way out. I would rather get the job that is the easiest to obtain even if it pays less, I hate it, or doesn't teach me things that I want to learn; a paycheck is a paycheck and since I will continue to have much of my living expenses paid for for 7 more months, all I care about is saving up money so I can eventually make money off my computer like I want to.

Oh and speaking of knowledge, another thing that I might be doing is getting a FAFSA and hitting up my local Community College and taking a web developing major since web developing seems to benefit a number of things that I want to do. Not to mention, because the amount of student loan money that I would qualify for in a year is more than twice the amount that courses for a whole year would cost, since web developing is a major that requires access to a computer, I would have the added benefit of getting a new high end gaming rig with leftover loan money

Oh and just to clarify, when I mentioned shady business tactics and talked about me plotting things in one of my previous replies, I didn't mean I was doing things that would risk me going to jail.

It is true that I am up to something a bit devious right now to make some extra short term cash, but what I'm doing merely breaks the rules of a few companies and worst that could happen is I would get banned from using their services again. No, I'm not putting myself at risk I'm not stupid haha

Anyways, there has been a lot of amazing replies so far and a few have gotten me seriously questioning why I even made this post in the first place. Thanks!

Thanks guys for your responses. My plan is to now hyperfocus on getting a job and saving up some money as well as go to college at the community college that I mentioned in my above post for web development. I can't really get into a university yet because I'm behind in a lot of my general education so I have to start somewhere. Plus web development is perfect for me because it will benefit a lot of the internet and video game related stuff that I want to do while giving myself a way to earn a decent income as a freelancer or for a company should I still need the money later down the road.

Once I have some financial stability in my life, I will then focus on either getting a therapist or finding some alternate ways to help myself. Until then, I will simply bury myself in work, study, and gaming.

[Open Eyes]

Well, I am glad you are in a more positive mindset.

Why can't you get driver education and get your driver's licence?

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Well, I am glad you are in a more positive mindset.

Why can't you get driver education and get your driver's licence?

Because of a combination of not having money and being scared of car wrecks and scared of being judged by people because of my age. I live somewhere that has a pretty big car/truck culture and those in their 20s and 30s who don't drive or don't like vehicles are judged pretty harshly.

Not to mention, drivers schools here want things like parent's signatures and what not and I can't provide that beings I don't have parents.

I'm eventually planning on moving to a major city with good public transportation so I won't need to drive to have reliable transportation. Plus I might eventually learn when I'm living somewhere where it's more socially acceptable for young people to not drive because of good public transportation or high cost of living or something else.

A comment on change. I'm not so sure change is ultimately possible. It is rather about challenging behaviors and mindsets. This takes skill - which is what a good therapist ought to be instilling.

One needs to want to challenge what isn't working for success and improvement. "Change" won't happen on its own. I it is hard. It is easier to dig in your heels and put up road blocks - which is what you are clearly doing as demonstrated by the above post.

Try to look past the frustrating negatives. What solutions do you observe? They will present themselves. We need to be looking though to see them.

I recommend therapy. Find one one one that has a set program of therapy., one with a clear purpose and trajectory. Something like CBT. This has clear objectives with measurable results.

Originally Posted by justafriend306

A comment on change. I'm not so sure change is ultimately possible. It is rather about challenging behaviors and mindsets. This takes skill - which is what a good therapist ought to be instilling.

One needs to want to challenge what isn't working for success and improvement. "Change" won't happen on its own. I it is hard. It is easier to dig in your heels and put up road blocks - which is what you are clearly doing as demonstrated by the above post.

Try to look past the frustrating negatives. What solutions do you observe? They will present themselves. We need to be looking though to see them.

I recommend therapy. Find one one one that has a set program of therapy., one with a clear purpose and trajectory. Something like CBT. This has clear objectives with measurable results.

Yeah, I will try therapy one day but it isn't viable for me right now because of financial reasons. I don't have insurance and I can't get a therapist where I am without proof of income or insurance and I have neither and even if I found one that would take me, they would probably be a student or a therapist that thinks differently than I do and lets face it, I am far too damaged at this point to be able to be helped by any therapist; I need the right one and even then I question my ability to be helped be one.

I mean hell, I just had my bed and computer chair completely ruined by bedbugs and I can't even afford a new mattress or sofa or even a futon so what makes you think I can afford therapy right now?

I struggle with the question of how to change. I don't think change happens as people are trying to make us believe, by the mere will power and voluntarily. I think swift changes happen out of pressing necessities. Otherwise, change happens gradually, randomly and accidentally, which I think requires an open mind. So, I think limiting yourself to just two options in advance, is very restricting.

[Quarter life]

In reference to making Choices:

As I have gathered my strength and will over the last year to embark on an exciting adventure in my life, I lament the years lost and opportunities squandered. Time has seemed to stand still for me, years & years of wading through bouts of debilitating depression, coupled with my fear and dread of the world.

Mental illness bought on by an accident of birth, trauma, environment, faulty brain chemistry or associated illness/circumstances… is for all of us a heavy cross to bear, and is almost always exacerbated by those around us who perpetually tell us that we just aren't good enough, that we are damaged, that we have no value as citizens of the world.....a heartbreaking waste of life.

So where to from here?...how do we find our place in the world? A place where our endeavors are valued? A place where we can strive, accomplish and be all the better for it? Well to start with we need to be realistic….I would have loved to have been a dancer…but at my stage in life this just isn’t going to happen. However…I do have skills, bankable skills that I have slowly nurtured over my years of dark exile.

Yet choosing how and where to use these skills is the hard part…Self doubt, fear of ridicule, and indeed failure all come into play causing us to procrastinate and bemoan the inertia of our lives. I spent many many years in therapy and medicated...it wasn’t until I started implementing changes by modifying my thinking and behavior that I began to move forward...It was like the gears on my life had been out of whack, the only way forward it seemed was to realign them.

Several years ago...I took a long hard look at my list of personal beliefs and my reactions to the world, including my constant worrying of what others thought of me. Some of my ideas were keeping me safe, but most were toxic, outdated or downright ridiculous. I have now come to appreciate that 99% of people care little about what I think or what I do...they care more about their own lives. I now understand that I can’t wait around for others to tolerate, validate, laud or honour me...I must do that for myself. The worst choice we can make is waiting for others to choose for us, or waiting for permission to choose, as we may spend our lives choosing nothing at all.

Should I have chosen sooner?... of course I should have, but what is more important is that I have chosen NOW…and am so excited to see what the world has in store for me………stay tuned.