I can't do anything right. Life is too hard for me. Why do I even bother anymore? It's not like anybody is going to ever accept me.

My mother always told me that I would never be able to function in society without somebody providing for me.

I understand where she was coming from now. She was right and I was wrong for thinking that I could be independent.

I hate this world. I hate society. I hate life.

I want out.

I think that was not a nice thing for your mother to say, and ultimately inaccurate. I believe you do have the ability to take care of yourself, but that you would benefit greatly from a therapist or even a trusted mentor to help guide you.

It's never too late to start making changes.

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

I think that was not a nice thing for your mother to say, and ultimately inaccurate. I believe you do have the ability to take care of yourself, but that you would benefit greatly from a therapist or even a trusted mentor to help guide you.

It's never too late to start making changes.

It was the truth though. I can't do things like normal people. I need help but I don't think that anybody can help me at this point.

I can't obtain or hold down any type of job to save my life. I can't function well in college.

I tried and tried to study this weekend. I spent 12 hours yesterday reading and writing, however, I still can't understand what I'm doing wrong. Afterwards, I just gave up and watched anime the rest of the day and most of the night.

I struggle just to find employment and when I do find a job, a lack of transportation because I have nobody to help me get places and I never learned how to drive holds me back from making it to work.

I can't even find a girlfriend because I'm too much of a socially awkward geek to be able to function around women. Even if I did hit it on with somebody, I am insecure about my body because I have a lot of scars from self harm across my body back when I used to bite chunks of flesh out of my body and I have stretch marks because I used to be overweight but lost over 80 pounds not because I worked hard on weight loss but because I couldn't afford food for almost a year and lived off ramen and sandwiches.

I can't do anything that an average adult does. I am useless. I hate myself for this reason.

The only time that I'm happy is when I'm gaming or watching anime. That is all that I have a desire to do at this point.

I want the easy way out like always. I wish somebody would kill me because even suicide takes work and I'm too much of a coward to go through with anything anyways.

[Sunflower123]

You sound like you are really hard on youself. Can you be a little more gentle and compassionate with yourself and give yourself some credit for having survived what you have? I agree with the previous poster that a good therapist might be useful in helping you move forward. Best wishes.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

You sound like you are really hard on youself. Can you be a little more gentle and compassionate with yourself and give yourself some credit for having survived what you have? I agree with the previous poster that a good therapist might be useful in helping you move forward. Best wishes.

A "good" therapist, you say? Guess what, those cost money that I don't have.

I will try the free therapist available to me at college but I highly doubt that they will be able to help me at this point.

People don't understand how hard life is for me. I should seriously just go back to using and manipulating people like I used to since I'm already an unlikable person as it is so I might as well go all in and at least get my physical needs met in the process.

Honestly, why do I even try to be a decent person anymore? Not like people will ever appreciate me.

[(JD)]

Ok how about some good free stuff?

Epigentics. It's a name for some of the brand new brain science and it proves that what we put into our minds is what is created.

Your mom put all that into your mind.

The good part is YOU CAN TAKE IT OUT!

Toxic thoughts like those actually create dead brain cell "trees" visible on brain scans.

It takes countering those thoughts each time you think one, and replacing it with truth.

YES TRUTH.

"Life is hard... but I am stronger than troubles. I can do this."

"My mother always said... but while I wanted her love, she wasn't always right. I can and do things well, and am getting better at it every day."

I know this sounds like just positive affirmations, but if you journal these things DAILY and also put something positive into action each day, within 21 days your brain will have replaced the toxic dead brain cells with healthy "trees"!!!

Something positive is an action the PROVES you.... are appreciated (thanking those here on the thread, going into Kudos and sending out good thoughts to others... speaking to a neighbor, helping them who thank you back...)

You can get the hang of it.

Trust me, if you continue to allow those lying negative thoughts in your head, you will not get out of them... your brain has no mind of it's own, it has no opinion of it's own .. it only responds to what YOU TELL IT!

Good wishes.

Your mother gave you a self-fulfilling prophecy, and a very unhelpful one at that. I am sorry you got that message when you were too young to defend yourself from it and know any better.

Lots of what you write about your challenges are true for many of us. I can't drive either, it's one of the reasons I am fit in my mid 40s, I walk & cycle most places if I don't get the bus (again, involves walking to stations). There are drawbacks sure, but there have definitely been huge spin offs to my health. Not to say YOU shouldn't endeavour to learn to drive mind you, and that is something you may well achieve yet.

It reads like you are really overwhelmed at the moment, maybe try breaking your challenges down into small chunks. You may not have achieved independent living yet, but you are taking steps towards that with volunteering and study.

By the way 12 hours study is quite a lot, most people would find their brain switch off after that length of time, particularly if you are new to study. Finding out how you best absorb and learn will be key, experiment with smaller chunks of study, see what works for you.

Above all, no she wasn't right, she was just being really hard on you (possibly because of her own frustrations in life), I am sorry that is how she spoke to you.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

Your mother gave you a self-fulfilling prophecy, and a very unhelpful one at that. I am sorry you got that message when you were too young to defend yourself from it and know any better.

Lots of what you write about your challenges are true for many of us. I can't drive either, it's one of the reasons I am fit in my mid 40s, I walk & cycle most places if I don't get the bus (again, involves walking to stations). There are drawbacks sure, but there have definitely been huge spin offs to my health. Not to say YOU shouldn't endeavour to learn to drive mind you, and that is something you may well achieve yet.

It reads like you are really overwhelmed at the moment, maybe try breaking your challenges down into small chunks. You may not have achieved independent living yet, but you are taking steps towards that with volunteering and study.

By the way 12 hours study is quite a lot, most people would find their brain switch off after that length of time, particularly if you are new to study. Finding out how you best absorb and learn will be key, experiment with smaller chunks of study, see what works for you.

Above all, no she wasn't right, she was just being really hard on you (possibly because of her own frustrations in life), I am sorry that is how she spoke to you.

I am overwhelmed and also lonely. It's been hard for me to cope with going to college and trying to find a job and doing all of these other things when it has always been a struggle for me to do things on my own.

Don't judge me for this but I was so desperate for somebody to talk to today that I signed up for a tutoring session with a tutor at my college to work on writing skills and she was a young attractive female and I tried to hit on her and ask her out on a date. Since I am writing an essay about technology and how it influences people's life I was telling her a lot about my past early on like how I had trouble making friends at a young age and was introverted and had a messed up family life so I used computer games and learned how to build computers to escape from my loneliness just to garner sympathy from her without wasting my tutoring time to make her feel bad for me so she would care about me.

I'm having to face just how lonely I am and I traditionally used video games and anime to escape from my pain but I can't do that as often because of school so I have to face how hurt and unhappy that I am and it's hard.

I'm pathetic I know but so be it.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I am overwhelmed and also lonely. It's been hard for me to cope with going to college and trying to find a job and doing all of these other things when it has always been a struggle for me to do things on my own.

Don't judge me for this but I was so desperate for somebody to talk to today that I signed up for a tutoring session with a tutor at my college to work on writing skills and she was a young attractive female and I tried to hit on her and ask her out on a date. Since I am writing an essay about technology and how it influences people's life I was telling her a lot about my past early on like how I had trouble making friends at a young age and was introverted and had a messed up family life so I used computer games and learned how to build computers to escape from my loneliness just to garner sympathy from her without wasting my tutoring time to make her feel bad for me so she would care about me.

I'm having to face just how lonely I am and I traditionally used video games and anime to escape from my pain but I can't do that as often because of school so I have to face how hurt and unhappy that I am and it's hard.

I'm pathetic I know but so be it.

How does this make you "pathetic"? Many people find it scary to reveal anything about their past to anyone - yet you laid yours out. Doesn't that show strength? Whether or not she sparks a romantic interest in you - the fact that you were willing to make an attempt at engaging her in a more personal level of conversation shows an independence some never develop. You have a lot going for you but I know it's hard to see at times. Just know - you are cared for. ❤

[reb569]

Instead of telling you that you would never be able to be independent, your mother should have tried to find ways to help you become independent. Unfortunately, that didn't happen and now those thoughts are molded into your thought process. It can be tough to overcome those thoughts, believe me I know, I STILL find myself falling back on those negative thoughts that my father molded into my thought process when I'm stressed out or depressed. But you can overcome this.

I like the advice someone gave above, do your studying in shorter chunks of time. Additionally, try to get into a schedule where you study the same times each day, in the same environment. If you drink coffee while you study, always drink coffee when you study. Also, when in class, always try to sit in the same seat (or at least the same area of the room), and the same with the coffee. If you have coffee before a class, always have coffee before a class. All these tips help you to remember things you've learned. I practiced all of these when in college and they really worked for me. All of this might not work for you, but experiment, and if you find something that works, stick with it.

Most importantly, please try not to be so hard on yourself. In my late teens I was in a horrible place. No high school diploma, no job, suffering from severe CPTSD, I spent several months living in my car, often went days without food. What saved me was the Air Force. That gave me a job, structure, food, education and the opportunity to travel for over a decade. When I got out and went to college I was terrified that I would fail, but did well. Professionally, I do ok, not the best I could, I think in part because of my CPTSD, but I've done ok, I have a home and family and job, and yes my financial outlook for retirement sucks, but all in all, I consider myself lucky.

You have a driving spirit. I've seen it in your posts about starting your own business. Back up a step, look at all you want to do, and work on it piece by piece. And when you get down, look at what you've done, you've found a way to survive with very little help. There are a lot of people out there that wouldn't be able to do that. You are resilient. You have a tough road ahead, but you can do it. Don't give up.

[Sunflower123]

I've read all your posts in this thread and I feel much compassion for you. I don't think you're pathetic at all. You've got a lot on your plate right now and should pat yourself on the back for what you are accomplishing. You are slowly building and moving towards a better life for yourself. I'm sorry you are lonely. Sometimes I feel like that as well.

Your mother did you a disservice by telling you something that wasn't helpful or true. Keep making small changes and take small steps and before you know it, you'll be where you want to be. I'm here to support you and I'm also here if you need to talk. Best wishes.

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I am overwhelmed and also lonely. It's been hard for me to cope with going to college and trying to find a job and doing all of these other things when it has always been a struggle for me to do things on my own.

Don't judge me for this but I was so desperate for somebody to talk to today that I signed up for a tutoring session with a tutor at my college to work on writing skills and she was a young attractive female and I tried to hit on her and ask her out on a date. Since I am writing an essay about technology and how it influences people's life I was telling her a lot about my past early on like how I had trouble making friends at a young age and was introverted and had a messed up family life so I used computer games and learned how to build computers to escape from my loneliness just to garner sympathy from her without wasting my tutoring time to make her feel bad for me so she would care about me.

I'm having to face just how lonely I am and I traditionally used video games and anime to escape from my pain but I can't do that as often because of school so I have to face how hurt and unhappy that I am and it's hard.

I'm pathetic I know but so be it.

It's because it's been so hard for you that you ought to give yourself kudos - it's been hard and you have not had the advantages some have had in life, but you are working out a pathway through this. You sound smart, although (understandably given your upbringing) very hard on yourself.

There is nothing pathetic in what you wrote, and part of what you were doing with your tutor was practicing your social skills. She will (or should) know about professional boundaries, and young professionals working with other young people this situation is common and completely normal.

The anime/gaming has been a source of comfort and escape for you, again very common, and a lot less harmful than some coping mechanisms (plus it's a fairly social pastime, abeit mostly online). Again this shows you are smart to work this out.

Your building blocks are either in place or getting into place for your next steps. It's all progress, although it might not feel that way at times.

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

How does this make you "pathetic"? Many people find it scary to reveal anything about their past to anyone - yet you laid yours out. Doesn't that show strength? Whether or not she sparks a romantic interest in you - the fact that you were willing to make an attempt at engaging her in a more personal level of conversation shows an independence some never develop. You have a lot going for you but I know it's hard to see at times. Just know - you are cared for. ❤

Because I was unprofessional and desperate. Because I figured that a student tutor that also claimed to be an introvert without many friends would be into me.

I've been feeling more and more lonely as of late since I have been dealing with more life than I really want to and without my usual escapes at that so it's been difficult for me to cope.

I'm at a point where I don't even give a damn about sex. I would give anything for somebody to talk to or to be able to be given an affectionate hug by somebody that cares about me on occasion.

Unfortunately, I'm too busy and too drained to maintain friendships or relationships and even if I wasn't, I can't seem to connect with people no matter how hard I try so there's that.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Because I was unprofessional and desperate. Because I figured that a student tutor that also claimed to be an introvert without many friends would be into me.

I've been feeling more and more lonely as of late since I have been dealing with more life than I really want to and without my usual escapes at that so it's been difficult for me to cope.

I'm at a point where I don't even give a damn about sex. I would give anything for somebody to talk to or to be able to be given an affectionate hug by somebody that cares about me on occasion.

Unfortunately, I'm too busy and too drained to maintain friendships or relationships and even if I wasn't, I can't seem to connect with people no matter how hard I try so there's that.

You weren't unprofessional because you were neither working (therefore not tied into rules regarding a profession) nor were you crossing personal boundaries of another person. You were simply divulging information about yourself. You were not being obscene or perverted in any way. You did nothing wrong. What we hope for is sometimes different than what we receive but that does not making hoping for something else wrong either. If Thomas Edison hadn't kept hoping for something to transmit light - we may still not have light bulbs. Dreams can be big or small but they all begin with a hope and sometimes a prayer - without hope we would be lost. Losing all hope in everything is by far worse than losing out on all hope. See, if you lose hope in everything you will never again try - but if you lose out on all hope, you just keep looking for a new solution to make your dream come true and you keep trying. It seems you are intertwining these two thoughts together a bit.

You hit on someone and believed she may be interested in you - and you seem to have found she seems to not be interested in the way you wish her to be. This is an example of a hope that was lost.

Later on you say you don't care about sex but would just like some hugs and to feel someone cares. This is an example of a dream.

Now - your conclusion seems to be
"my hope did not turn into my dream, therefore I am pathetic"

But see, the truth is .. Your hope for how to obtain your dream failed this time. You can make other plans and set hopes in success for them, or you can choose to give up.

It isn't until you give up that hope really dies and therefore your dream ends. You are not pathetic - but you may be tired from being alone and working so hard at not being alone for so long. It's ok to be tired. Don't let that tear you apart though.

You say you can't connect with people - yet I see many of us here connecting with you and talking with you. Yes, this is "just online" but we are still very real people and our responses are our real thoughts and feelings being elicited from things you are telling us. You are connecting with us and us with you in that way.

Loneliness is a hard thing to deal with. I still say you should get a big stuffed cat to cuddle with when you feel a need for it. I bought myself about 5 large teddy bears at one time and used them for that. You can also try bringing your studies to a local social type place - like a book store for example - so perhaps you may "accidentally" become involved in conversation and/or friendship.

You are a wonderful person.

❤

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

You say you can't connect with people - yet I see many of us here connecting with you and talking with you. Yes, this is "just online" but we are still very real people and our responses are our real thoughts and feelings being elicited from things you are telling us. You are connecting with us and us with you in that way.

Loneliness is a hard thing to deal with. I still say you should get a big stuffed cat to cuddle with when you feel a need for it. I bought myself about 5 large teddy bears at one time and used them for that. You can also try bringing your studies to a local social type place - like a book store for example - so perhaps you may "accidentally" become involved in conversation and/or friendship.

You are a wonderful person.

❤

Thanks and I'm sorry for the late reply. I can connect with people easily online but struggle to do so in person.

A big reason why is due to poor social skills. I can appear well spoken when talking to people online but in person, I have had trouble talking to people.

It's weird because I have a strong technical background. I build computers, I have computer hacking knowledge, and I can figure out just about anything technical easily, but expect me to socialize and I outright struggle. Figuring out social queues, proper hand language, figuring out how to say what I'm trying to say without sounding like a complete idiot, knowing when to make eye contact with people and when not to, and not talking too fast, too slow, too loud, or too quietly at the right times are challenges that I've faced most of my life which makes it difficult for me to do basic adult things like finding employment or dating women, all be it one that I have been getting better at.

[reb569]

Figuring out social queues, proper hand language, figuring out how to say what I'm trying to say without sounding like a complete idiot, knowing when to make eye contact with people and when not to, and not talking too fast, too slow, too loud, or too quietly at the right times are challenges that I've faced most of my life

I've always struggled with this too. I still struggle to socialize with people that I've worked with for over 12 years, as well as family members. I communicate better online.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Thanks and I'm sorry for the late reply. I can connect with people easily online but struggle to do so in person.

A big reason why is due to poor social skills. I can appear well spoken when talking to people online but in person, I have had trouble talking to people.

It's weird because I have a strong technical background. I build computers, I have computer hacking knowledge, and I can figure out just about anything technical easily, but expect me to socialize and I outright struggle. Figuring out social queues, proper hand language, figuring out how to say what I'm trying to say without sounding like a complete idiot, knowing when to make eye contact with people and when not to, and not talking too fast, too slow, too loud, or too quietly at the right times are challenges that I've faced most of my life which makes it difficult for me to do basic adult things like finding employment or dating women, all be it one that I have been getting better at.

Some of those things really come down to a personality thing I have found. For instance, there is a 15yr old here that if you look at him while he talks to you, he swears you are "staring at him". He, himself rarely makes eye contact. Yet, there are others, like me, that want eye contact the whole time we talk. Speed of verbalization seems to be a personal thing too. Some people naturally talk fast. Some naturally talk slow. Sometimes if a person is in a hurry to do something they may speak fast before going to get it done. How loud you are is guided mostly by social rules - ex library = whisper only, movie theater = talk low, concert = shout, grocery store = normal, etc. But some people have naturally loud voices n some naturally quiet too so that plays a factor too.

My point in saying all this is that most of it is neither "right" nor "wrong", it's just part of a person's personality - which is an ever changing thing so no need to be over reactive to it bc you can change the parts you don't like as you figure them out.

I will tell you this though - when you feel you may have missed a cue (unless it has to do with anger or sadness), generally a quick sheepish smile can pull the person back and you can give an explanation or just continue with the conversation.

Sorry if I am putting my nose or advice where you don't neccessarily want it.
❤

Originally Posted by reb569

I've always struggled with this too. I still struggle to socialize with people that I've worked with for over 12 years, as well as family members. I communicate better online.

I've seen plenty of people here talk about having poor social skills, but seem to be able to find people to help them and give them chances to function in a job or other professional setting.

I think I'm going to make another thread in the employment section to further inquire about this.

Regardless, thanks for the answers everyone.