Maybe On-line Support Is Not For Me

A question was raised in another forum about what some of us were doing here, and although I responded with a rather heavy answer, this question has stuck in my mind since.

What exactly am I doing here, especially if I cannot see myself getting better on a consistent basis? I know we sometimes take one step forward and two back, but overall, if the amount of steps taken never equal to forward movement, then I must consider of what benefit is it for me to be here?

So far, all I have proven to myself is, just as IRL, I still cannot communicate well and I cannot make myself understood!

When I try to be straight forward, I sound "tactless." When I try "seasoning" my words, I sound patronizing. When I use colloquialisms, I am accused of meaning it in a mocking way, or of just plain being rude.

When I offer up an opinion, I “miss the point” because I am not able to interpret what has NOT been said (and only what has). When I offer up further explanations as to what I am trying to say, it is taken as wanting to start an argument.

When I don’t respond to others’ posts (mainly because I find so many posts triggering, or I have no experience to draw on to give an opinion or advice), there is a sense that I am not participating enough.

If I look for answers only for myself, it is construed as being selfish and parasitic.

I guess what I am trying to say is, just like IRL, I feel I am asking too much when I look for understanding, comfort and answers to my problems.

So:

If you find this post overly dramatic, it is because I have strong histrionic tendencies.

If you find this post to be quite self-centered, it is because I have strong narcissistic tendencies.

If you find this post to be extreme, it is because I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

And, if you think I am feeling sorry for myself, it is because I am!!! I feel sorry for myself for what I am having to deal with JUST AS MUCH as I feel sorry for ALL OF YOU who are in as much (or more) pain than I.

And, well, if you don’t care at all about what I am saying here, that’s ok, because you are probably better off not to.

Not everyone is accepted here. I don't think I am one of them. If I cannot be accepted for who I am, then really, what AM I DOING HERE?

Alty I did not look at your profile and have only met you a few times in chat...

Could you keep posting here till maybe Others Or I can know you maybe ?

((((((((alteredstate))))))))

You have said so eautifully how feel too......althought I have been a verbal member of this community for nearly a year on and off....I feel I am too negative at this point to contribute ....

I feel judged sometimes also ..... and that's not what I'm here for .... having said that, it's MY problem that I feel judged ... but I feel paranoid too .... sometimes with good reason, sometimes not....

Ifyou would like to stay in contact for any reason, pm me and I will give you my e.mail address ... I am just taking a break from posting apart from the odd couple, that post you were talking about upset me too..... although I'm sure the poster didn't mean to upset....

I'm rambling, sorry .... I care about you

Jinny xxxxx

i like both of you Jinny and Altered.. Altered, you really make me think... you raise enough sides of an issue by yourself that often i have nothing to say because youve covered all the angles i could think of myself plus some...

but i read your posts and think serioously about what you're saying, so, i get something from you being here... wish you got more from it yourself...

take care..

AS, I don't think I know you much...infact I dont know many here much and when I sometimes see sometihng posted that contains some underlying drama, I read and then sit back and think, wonder whats going on their, coz i sure as hell ain't got a clue why on some days some leave and others beg for them to stay and I think, dam missed that drama LOL!!,,but no seriously, I am here for me, and if I have something that I feel I can reply too I will, if not I won't. I tend to to not get to involved here because, well I just dont need to nor want too, I have alife IRL also, even if that means me sitting reading a book, its another bit of my life. I dont use chat, thank gawd LOL! see to many disagreements there LOL!, I seldom use PM, and I get by here, somedays I can read posts and think, hhmm ain't got much to say there LOL!,, your ok, dont worry and dont ever feel you have to explain why your here to anyone.

I can relate somewhat to what you are saying. I don't always say things in the way that everyone else does and sometimes feel like an outsider. There have been several people here who have written things that made me think they understood what I was saying but sometimes I wonder if this board is 95% emo fourteen year olds and if there is something to be gained here. I don't know.

Not everyone is accepted here. I don't think I am one of them. If I cannot be accepted for who I am, then really, what AM I DOING HERE?

I suppose that is a question for introspection for many of us too. You're not alone on that thought.
Comes a time we must decide what is best for our personalty types.....it is alright to do that though once in a while...and not necessarily an issue of "support" or being "supportive".
For what it's worth...I always found you one of the more interesting personalities here.
Take care in whatever you do my friend...god bless...
m.b.

Altered, I was in therapy 1978-1987 and 1996-2005 with the same therapist. The first 9 years I was just standing still like you describe but oh, how difficult that was! Therapy at that time kept my head above water and that's about it. But if I hadn't had that therapy I wouldn't have survived.

Perhaps PC is like that for you. You don't see yourself moving forward but you also said you don't see yourself moving backward either. Well, one has to move one way or the other and if you aren't slipping, that means you're leaning forward, facing into the wind and engaged in trying to move forward! Directionality is a good thing. We all know the Cheshire Cat's conversation with Alice:
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Alice: I was just wondering if you could help me find my way.

Cheshire Cat: Well that depends on where you want to get to.

Alice: Oh, it really doesn't matter, as long as...

Cheshire Cat: Then it really doesn't matter which way you go.

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> So far, all I have proven to myself is, just as IRL, I still cannot communicate well and I cannot make myself understood!

It seems to me that you are communicating quite well. As for being understood, that depends not only on you but on the ones reading you, too!

communication skills take 2 ppl, your doing fine

I don't think you are asking too much when you come here for support and understanding...however, I am not too sure all the answers are here...

We tend to hang out in different forums, so about the only time we bump into each other is here in General. I have found you to be open, honest and extremely thoughtful. Those are qualities I truly admire. No, you don't tend to sugar coat things, but you do sometimes, when it is appropriate, write with a sense of humor. Personally, I like your writing style. Maybe part of this is my fault because when you have posted, I have not given you much in the way of positive feedback. I guess that goes back to communication being a 2 way street. I am sorry if I have made you feel like you are not being supported or understood….that is something I will have to work on…please, give yourself a little more credit in the communication department—you deserve it.

Oh, also, nobody is expected to reply to all posts...especially if they are triggering. That is one thing I have had to learn to accept--sometimes, I don't have the energy to read/reply and sometimes I find the topic triggering. That is okay. The most important thing is that we take care of ourselves...if we don't take care of ourselves, pretty soon we would not be able to offer support to anybody...

Please, if you ever need anybody to talk with about some of this, just PM me.

I am newish here too and sometimes I just don't have it in me to post or respond. I feel as id I complain too much adn everytime I start to say something meaningful I sound petty and it mocks me...well, internal dialogue that I learned in previous marriage of being only 1/2 a woman and bad and no good and every curse word in the book in several languages and my reasoning is if i call myself that then when someone else does it can't hurt cause thats what I am right?? I am screwed up, lol and coming here even if I don't write, I get something from reading the posts...I get something when I am able to reply to a post, even if it is prayer and and ...well reaching out. I am living through my computer...I don't go out much except to doctors appt and some chores, but more n more often than not I wait for moggles or my mom to go with me.

So, please stay. I would like to read more and respond more to you. You do speak well and your thoughts behind your words are real to me.

melanie

I ask this question of myself, too. Sometimes I feel like I'm not getting better - I'm only going round and round. Not two steps forward - one step back. Simply round and round. I surely know that sometimes it certainly FEELS that way. But sometimes... If I really take a step back... I can see some kind of progress. For me, the biggest impediment to my life is that I 'freak out' sometimes. What I've noticed over time is that I freak out less frequently, and that when I do freak out it takes me less time to come right. Sometimes I think I'm just going round and round from freak out to freak out. Other times I think that I really am getting better with respect to frequency and duration, though.

I wonder if part of it is thinking about there being 'better' and 'worse' and about how life is meant to be about moving away from the bad towards the good. I wonder sometimes if life is simply a journey. We move forward through time (on one reading of the nature of time, anyway). And there isn't a 'better' or a 'worse' there is just a being... Not sure if this makes any sense.

Part of why I'm here is because the same inter-personal issues that I struggle with IRL come up in my online interactions. I find that the online medium provides a safer place for me to try out different responses, different ways of being. I can try out different things and see how well they work out for me. I mean... If one struggles with the same things IRL as one struggles with on the forums then being here on the forums might be the place to try and figure out ones contribution to the kinds of interactions that one tends to have. Hard work to be sure, but easier here then IRL somehow. And if some strategy works on the online medium then sometimes I find the courage to try it out IRL. I think that my IRL interactions are benefiting from what I've learned from my interactions on online forums.

I try to keep in mind that we are at different levels of maturity and stability. Some days I feel like I'm not on the same wavelength as anyone else and those days hurt. But they don't last. Different people are here on different days.

Helping and being helped are why I'm here. I hope you'll stay.

wmdwright, I never use the chat rooms. I find it difficult to keep track of all the different conversations and, like many, I have rarely been acknowledged when I did enter.

ak, I had to laugh when I read your post, especially:
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Sometimes I think I'm just going round and round from freak out to freak out.

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I think this is the "space" that I am in. The problem is, I haven't had much relief between freak-outs (even if those freak-outs are just in my head).
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I wonder if part of it is thinking about there being 'better' and 'worse' and about how life is meant to be about moving away from the bad towards the good. I wonder sometimes if life is simply a journey. We move forward through time (on one reading of the nature of time, anyway). And there isn't a 'better' or a 'worse' there is just a being... Not sure if this makes any sense.

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Actually, this makes alot of sense to me. Being borderline, I always see things as either good or bad, up or down, right or wrong, etc., but that IS me just "being." While it all makes sense to me, it is everyone else that has the problem with it

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Part of why I'm here is because the same inter-personal issues that I struggle with IRL come up in my online interactions.

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Same here. I thought if I could "practice" on you guys , it would make things easier IRL. What I have discovered is that I am just as bad on-line as I am IRL. One good thing is I have been able to delete most of the responses before hitting "submit." The other good thing is you can't actually "see" or "hear" me freaking out! Alas, not so IRL.

I wish RL had a "submit" button AND a "delete" button - life would be so much easier.

I AM SO TIRED OF BEING EMBARRASSED ABOUT ME!!

To everyone who responded:

Thank you for your kind words. I am at a very low point and am dealing with very strong feelings of humiliation in my life right now.

I have been quite insensitive on some posts which have only added to to these feelings.

I am so terribly screwed up right now, and all I want to do is run far, far away (again).

Please accept my apologies for being overly dramatic. My feelings were more from internal turmoil then from anything that was said.

I'm such a drama-queen

Altered, I have liked your responses and posts here on PC. I question why you label yourself with Narcissistic disorder, however, since you seem to have insights and reflections those with NPD would be incapable of. Did you come to this conclusion of Narcissism on your own, or were you diagnosed with it by a "professional." I think we are all a bit Narcissistic. The true Narcissist, however, can't and will never overcome his self-absorption.
Patty

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{AS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I've come to know you somewhat, although not as well as I'd like. IMO, you've come a heck of a long way since you first started here. You're far from the "argumentative" person I used to know. IMO, you communicate much, much better than you first did and in ways that make it easier, at least for me, to understand you better on a feeling level.

You're a well educated person, AS. Your mastery of the English language is better than most. It's been my experience that those that are gifted that way find it difficult to be understood as easily. Others are put off by it.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Others being hard on you is enough, isn't it?

I like you and accept you just the way you are!

seeker1950, my diagnosis was BPD with histrionic, narcissistic tendencies. And yes, it came from a professional after 5+ years of weekly therapy with the same therapist.

While not a true narcissist, I do see degrees of it in my personality.

I have strong histrionic tendencies as well.

It's all soooo embarrassing, but that is who I am.

Hi AS,

You said:

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To everyone who responded:

Thank you for your kind words. I am at a very low point and am dealing with very strong feelings of humiliation in my life right now.

I have been quite insensitive on some posts which have only added to to these feelings.

I am so terribly screwed up right now, and all I want to do is run far, far away (again).

Please accept my apologies for being overly dramatic. My feelings were more from internal turmoil then from anything that was said.

I'm such a drama-queen

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I was in that position just last week. It was one of the most triggered times of my life. This week is so much better.

We all have times when we're progressing and we all, (or at least most), have times when it seems we're in a whirlpool of negative emotions. One of the things that I like most about PC is that other people here know what it feels like to be in that whirlpool. I wish they didn't have to know that, but they do. Knowing I'm not the only one who has ever felt that way makes me feel like I'm not alone in this world. You can always remember that you are not alone by being here.

You've been given a lot of compliments in this thread, and I think they are well deserved.

Hugs,

Jan

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SeptemberMorn said:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{AS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I've come to know you somewhat, although not as well as I'd like. IMO, you've come a heck of a long way since you first started here. You're far from the "argumentative" person I used to know. IMO, you communicate much, much better than you first did and in ways that make it easier, at least for me, to understand you better on a feeling level.

You're a well educated person, AS. Your mastery of the English language is better than most. It's been my experience that those that are gifted that way find it difficult to be understood as easily. Others are put off by it.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Others being hard on you is enough, isn't it?

I like you and accept you just the way you are!



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((((((((((( AS)))))))))))) I couldnt have worded my response any better than what Tomi did. I know I've felt like leaving plenty of times. But I am so glad I stayed. Please keep giving PC a chance. I feel when we dont have any support IRL.. we still have our PC family here. Hang in there hon.

Hugz
Beth

Know what? I can read just about anything as long as it reads true. Whatever you say is important. Because you matter and you're worth it.