Sad, Scared, Lost...

I am not sure if this is the place to do this. I did a search and I haven't seen anyone do what I am going to do/say.

Ok, here's my story...

I have been married to my wife for 11 years. I love her deeply, my world revolves around her and our children. Up until Monday, this week, I thought everything was ok (ignorance is bliss?). I knew we were having a few problems, and just thought we needed to talk. During the talk she spit out I am not in love with you, I don't need you, this is over and there's nothing you can do about it.

I came to find out, I had mad a few huge mistakes, I was too controlling, but didn't know I was doing it. I have anger issuses, which I am now taking under control and seeing a therapist for (started before she mentioned this, that she hated my anger outbursts).

My problem is this, I love her more than anything, I want her to be ok. She is seeing a therapist for her PTSD. This is the third time we have gone through something like this, she never actually said she wasn't in love with me anymore, but it was out there, hanging in the air. We have always worked through it, and I know we can now. We have talked, and she admitted that what she said was spur of the moment, anger talking, and really what she feels, but she's still not "In Love" with me, but that over time yes, everything will be ok. I know this is a HUGE step, but I am walking on egg shells, doing all I can to make sure she's ok with what I am doing.

Has anyone else had a loved one they have delt with that has done something similar to this? How did you handle it? My wife is my world, my heart and my soul belong to her, and I want to help her get the best help for her PTSD and to make her trust in me that no matter what happens, I am here for her.

Thank you in advance for any help or suggestions.

Welcome to pc. Congratulations to you on taking such big steps...good signs that your marriage is important. You didn't take the defensive and say,"i'm not too controlling," etc. Well done. You should be proud for that. Did you look through the relationship forum? Maybe someone there can offer advice. I can just let you know you aren't alone and at least she said this during a discussion--and later stated it was anger speaking. My second (and last) ex-husband told me after I flew out to Boston to spend the weekend with him (military, supposedly looking for housing). The first clue should have been that he didn't meet me at the airport. Second should have been that he went to Canada with some girls and didn't see anything wrong with it. But no, I'm stupid. We were driving me back to the airport after a decent visit, stopped at Burger King, had our food in the car and he said, "I don't love you anymore. I'm not in love with you and I don't love you." Takes bite of whopper, puts the car in gear. You are not alone. I hope you find support and advice here at pc.

For me it was the other way around, I was the wife saying I dont love you any more there is nothing you can say or do now so please leave, I had told him in family therapy before that he needs to change or I will leave him and he said he would change and he tried for a few months then fell back to his old ways, this went on for years till in the end I left as no matter what I said he wouldnt leave he kept saying things like I will make you love me again I will change I am sorry and the crying just got on my nerves I had seen it all before.

As he wouldnt leave the home I had to go with five children in tow just so I could get rid of him.

He is now seven years later living a misrable exsistance in a filfy house which he never cleans and does repairs on and its falling about his ears, the older children are disgusted with him he is living with depression the same as he gave me for years.

Do I feel sorry for him ? No he asked for it all and he can rot for all I cared. He killed any love I had for him by not changing and just behaving the way he wanted to which was upsetting for me.

Wow, I bet that must've hurt! Thank you for the advice about the relationship forum, I will take a look at that.

Wanted to add that I am in no way or shape saying you are the same as my ex, however I beg you to change and stay changed if that is the only way forward or you will end up on your own.

She too has to do her bit by talking to you and changing too if that is what it takes.

I wish you both well.....

Hello ihateit, welcome to PC

My husband and I have been in your sitation. We married very early, had kids right away and he was in the military which meant a move every couple of years for the first 7 years we were married. It also meant he was not paid well and there were financial issues. With all this stress I told him I loved him, but I was not in love with him anymore. It took us a couple of years and a lot of growing and patience but we were eventually able to put things back on track. He never gave up, but he gave me the space I needed to decide that our marriage was worth the effort.

I wanted to extend my sympathies to you...to hear your wife was not in love with you, that must have been heartbreaking

And it sounds like you ALREADY WERE trying to attack the underlying issues..

And you are both getting help..

And you truly, truly, love her

And I am sure you love your kids..

What a difficult situation to find yourself in..

Can you both go to counseling together, not just separately?

It is going to take work, but I believe 'this marriage can be saved..'

First, thank you all for your answers, your concern, your sympathies, and your kindness.

I'm the one changed over the years, my love for her never changed, but my fears of abandonment, my anxiety/panic disorder, and anger problems became big factors in all this. As I realized that my anger was an issue, and my panic (actually the attacks themselves were mostly under control, but I was always on the verge, edgy...) I decided on my own volition to go see a counselor because I knew it wasn't healthy for me, but more importantly I knew it wasn't healthy for the marriage. I wasn't (and am not) willing to ever give up on my wife and family!

@ Cantstopcrying - I couldn't imagine that, and I feel for you, thank you for your contribution.

@ Trishie - I don't need to "change", I need to be myself. I let myself turn into and angry, controlling person, which is NOT who I am. My fears of abandoment (the basis of my anxiety/panic disorder) made me become controlling and in turn anger when I didn't get control, and than in turn anger at anything that wasn't "just right". This is not me. I trust her completely, so me "changing" isn't the issue, is me adjusting back to who I am, and not what I had become. I have already (had already begun) doing this prior to her announcement to me. I am sorry that your ex didn't love you enough to be who he once was, or who he said he'd be, that is, I can imagine, very tough to deal with when it is happening.

@ AAAAA - LOL, had to count the A's there...Thank you for sharing your experience. If space is what she needs, if time is what she needs, she's got it. My becoming myself again is no act, it's not a show until things "get back to normal" and then I turn around and be stupid again. I will give her the time, love, space and effort she needs for us to be. More than just be, but be togther and happy about it.

@ JuneRain - Yes, I love her from my very being, the depths of my soul, more than life itself. My world revolves around her and I can't, and won't, imagine it w/out her. My children are wonderful and I couldn't love them anymore either. Yes we are both in separate counseling, and we have gone to a marriage counseling firm, but they are unsure if they can deal with us as we are already undergoing counseling separately. I hope they will, as some of the issues have nothing to do with why we are seeing our counselors sep, but, a lot are.

As I said in my first post in this thread tho, she is PTSD, she feels numb at times, psychotherapy will be close to a life long thing, and drugs that take away the numbness will help that part. She was also diagnosed with BPD (Boderline Personality Disorder), which both I have been studying a lot, the BPD not so much, there are maybe 1 - 3 symptoms, I thought it took more than that to be diagnosed with a disorder. The PTSD almost everything fits. This is why I asked if anyone has dealt with a loved one with PTSD and now, PTSD with BPD (they are often diagnosed together as I have found out), and has gone through this. Again thank you all for your concern and posts!

As of last night, as we have been talking every night since. I found something out about myself. I once told her as she was going through this exact same thing the second time (this is the third time, it's kind of cyclic), that I didn't love her, and I was going to leave. I had blocked that out, so had she. When I brought this up, and told her do you remember when I said, "I want to stay", she didn't really remember, but she did ask why (back then) did I decide to stay, and I didn't answer trutfully. The truth was I never was not in love with her, it was a scare tactic, I needed her to seek counseling and she was basically refusing. But the pain I put her through, I am now feeling, and no one should ever put another human through this kind of pain. All I could do was apologize, and let her know that if I had put her through this kind of pain, wow...what an @$$ I was. We talked some more and she promised me that eventually everything will be ok, it's just going to take time. My fears of her leaving (not just abandoment, no, my fears are of losing the most important person ever in my life) still grip me, I still cry, I still worry, and I suppose I will for as long as it takes her and us to get "right", but I am here 'til and after that happens, 'til I die, I am here for her. If it takes 2, 5, 15 years, you may think I'm crazy, and maybe I am, but nope, I will not give up and I will be here for her.

hello and welcome to pc!!! when i read your post i said, yeah, he's doing what will help the relationship! going to Therapy will definitely help you identify behaviors you would lilke to change. just be open and honest with your t so he can assist you in these changes. the more they know us the more they can help us.
it sounds like you and your wife may have a stronger relationship than you realize. your both willing to change and overcome obstacles. and bravo to her for going to therapy too.
i know it's hard but try to just take things a day at a time. i know you're nervous about making a "mistake" but if you catch yourself doing that you can acknowledge it to your wife. that hopefully will clear the air and allow you all to continue working on your marriage. no one is perfect and of course you may slip back into old behaviors but in time the new way of being will take charge and you can toss those old behaviors away for good!!! try not to be so hard on yourself. your intentions are good. just keep on keeping on. you all have a solution-finding formula for success.
keep us posted, okay? we're here to support you get through this.

Don't forget, too, that there is a ptsd as well as a bipolar forum. It's refreshing to hear of a strong relationship, even though there are bad times, you have the light of hope!!

ihateit,

i see lots of potential for change and healing. my spouse and i have been married for 28 years. i am mpd/did, ptsd, and struggle with depression and some physical pain issues. i do not feel like such a prize.

my husband is an overachiever, energizer bunny workaholic who never stops for his pain or mine, for his illness or mine and who does not believe that my dx are legitimate as mpd/did doesn't exist to him.

and somehow we love each other. i have been in counseling for 14 years due to severe childhood abuse of all kinds. we both have the same spiritual values and love our two precious adult daughters.

right now, if you work at your recovery i can see more hope for a vital relationship than i see for my mate and myself.

there is one statement you've made several times that concerns me for you both: "she is my whole world and my life revolves around her". this makes my warning buzzer go off. it is a huge responsibility and weight being someone's entire world and basically someone's "god". very few people can sustain that kind of pressure. if i had to feel i was responsible for my husband's entire happiness and security and well-being in life - i think i might want to run away.

correct me if i am wrong - it sounds like you are saying to her, "i MUST have YOU in my life for ME to be HAPPY". what i am trying to say, however i may be mangling it is that i think you need to explore what "healthy" love looks, feels, sounds like. i think few people are really taught what healthy love is like and we come to marriage with a lot of myths and "hollywood hype" about marriage, love and sex. those misconceptions can do lots of damage to relationships and the people in them.

my last thoughts for you is that i DO see your sincerity and commitment to your family and doing what it takes to make yours last and grow and be healthy and good. i wish you all the very best and hope that you can grow beyond these difficulties and issues. sincerely,

leslie

Again, thank you all for your advice and your encouragement. I, as I said, am more than willing to do what it takes to make this work, and as we talk, and as each day passes, with hope and prayer, things are getting better. My irrational mind still tells me things, no I don't hear voices, but you've read my fears. I still break down at times, and did again last night, but I suppose that's part of the healing process.

@ multipixie9 - I understand what you're saying, and have been thinking on this, I see two views imho, because she is a great source of my happiness, and I have literally built my world around her. She's in the armed forces, I go where she goes, without question, without doubt. I don't get a career atm, I stay at home with my son, take my daughter back and forth from school, clean house, cook, do laundry...Mr Mom, that's me. But it's more than that. She's everything to me. I DO get that maybe if I kept on telling her this it would become a problem. I have resigned myself to now giving her the space. I have said my piece to her enough, and I don't want to push anymore, because I don't want to push her away. Thank you for your letting me know that this is what could happen if I kept it up. I disagree that I don't know what love is though. I know God's love, I know unconditional love, and this is what I have for her...yet I was putting conditons upon her, because of my fears and anxieties. This will stop, but please understand that putting your loved one first (second only to God, for me), is how I feel it should be, how it is.

With every passing day, I just have to trust in the Lord and His wisdom that all will be as He plans, and that His plan is for us to stay together, and, with each passing day it has only gotten better. Scared as I am, that at any given moment she'll turn and say nope, this isn't working, I will work at space and time for her. I hope that is what will help us work through this and eventually get back to where we once were, no matter how long it takes.

hi again,

somehow i miscommunicated about love. i did not intend to imply you don't know about love, especially if you know God and His love.

coming from a bad background i have had to learn what love looks like and how it works. i've also met many women and men in marriage or other groups and even Christians have had a lot of trouble grasping how to live out the love of God.

i am sorry i communicated poorly, seeming to imply something negative in your grasp of and practice of love. i do apologise.

leslie and her pixies

Thanks Multipixie9!

The thing is humanly, I have never felt this pain before. God isn't going to abondon me, therefore I have no fear of losing God. I don't get angry at God, and of course I can't control Him. So, again, there is no fear there. But humans are humans, and this pain that I am feeling is physical and mental. I have had my ups and downs in life, I have been married 4 times (the first 3 before God found me). I don't know if I did this to my other wives, it wasn't ever an issue, at least not spoken. But I also didn't love any of them, not in the sense of true love, like I do my wife now of 10 years, together 11 years.

I thought what I had for her was Agape (which for me represents divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love for my wife), although I know it's almost impossible for humans to be unconditional. It's hard to do, I mean there are limits to what we can all stand, but she has never given me any reason to not have anything but unconditional love for her, yet I really messed things up. What I did, was let the fears/anxieties of her leaving me control me, and do two things, I became controlling, and I became angry when I thought something should happen one way and it didn't. Well, there went Agape, and almost my wife.

With her PTSD it's hard, because I don't know how's she's feeling, and I found out that she's not BPD, but has Schizoid tendancies, I am lucky that she even talked to me in the first place, let alone date than marry me. But I see inside her, she is the most wonderful person I know, man or woman. She's not only a pretty face, I don't and never would want a trophy wife, she's beautiful on the inside, when she lets you in, you see this, and she let me in. All I know now is I have to give it time, even though I want everything to be ok NOW! Because I am a man of my word. The controlling and anger has stopped, oddly enough the anger had stopped previously, it's gone, I just don't get angry like that, and my thoughts on that are God has given me some inner peace.

Again, being human, I am scared to death, it's hard to sit next to the one you love and not cuddle when just a weak ago you were doing just that, not talking sex either, I mean like on the couch watching TV, or holding her whilst I fall asleep, a touch, a hug...It's hard to not look at her and say, "Honey, I love you!", like I would do, or go up and hug her, or hold her face in my hands and look her in the eyes and see the love back at me. I know she loves me and is working as hard as I am at this marriage now. I know it'll take time for trust to redevelop. My fears won't stop until the day comes when she comes to me, holds me and say, honey, I love you. Wow, do I ever go on. I just want the pain to stop, to be able to not cry just one day...I can but pray and hope that day will come, and sooner than later, but if later, so be it, as long as that day comes.

Sounds like a lot of your issues, together, are related to PTSD..you could post a question on our PTSD forum posing what does she go through? maybe?