Positive Self Image

I think I have much to give but no one wants to receive it. Then there is the other extreme, the men who may be cruel and have the personality of a door mat. But as long as they are "pretty boys', women will throw themselves at them. It's so #@&king unfair! I agree with AngelGirl. We need others in our lives. I've noticed those who preach "all you need is yourself" are seldom the ones who experience true isolation and actually have be forced to try to practice it. I'm sorry for sounding so angry but I just don't see life as being the way so many people want to believe it is.

IG....you can be surrounded by people and still be alone. I know women who are married and are still alone.

Take this for what it is worth...(and I don't mean any offense) I'm trying to say this tactfully and supportively...but I'm not sure it is.

I (ME, personally, JUST ME) judge people's attractiveness by their insides... you look "normal" on the outside...but on the inside...you can be as unattractive as you think you are.

I understand you have had a rough lonely life...but consider...would you want to be with someone who constantly puts themselves down and brushes off compliments or praise by telling people they aren't being truthful? I think you are just more honest here than IRL because you can be...but even still.

This is just my honest opinion. I mean no offense. I still think you have a lot of positive qualities. I know you tried Yahoo...but have you tried anything like eharmony or match.com? They seem to have pretty good success rates. Good luck nonetheless.

Oneday -- It took a lot of courage for you to respond to IG as you did, yet with tact. I hope I will do as well. I also have noticed this pattern of IG to brush off compliments; in essence, telling the other person, "you lie." There also are times when I've noticed statements about the Forums that let us all know that we don't measure up to IG's expectations of how people should behave to him -- sometimes subtle statements -- what my mother used to call the "snide remark."

I've been reading this thread with great interest, and absorbing what's being said.

I think that to some extent I have to earn my positive self-image. When I behave consistently with the things I say that I value, I feel better about myself. One of the things that I have been learning over the past two years is to show myself the same compassion and understanding that I might show to others. So that when my inner crab-apple voices tell me I'm not good enough, I can offer myself a bit of self-love and understanding.

It's not been easy and I have a long path to walk. The useful thing about this approach is that in being gentle with myself, in learning to have mercy and compassion even for myself -- it takes my attention away from focusing on what I did wrong and puts my attention on developing positive qualities that I value. In other words, instead of getting into a thought-feeling loop about "I'm clumsy, I'm stupid" etc. -- I now put my attention on: "How would I behave if another person made this error? How can I show myself the compassion that I would want to show someone else?"

Or at least -- I move my attention toward compassion, as much as I am able to in any given situation, on any day. But I make an effort -- and reminders from my Forums friends not to indulge my bleak, distorted thoughts help me to do so.

I start to give myself kind messages that I would give to someone else -- "It's okay. It's just a thing that you broke. You can apologize to this person and make things right. You will learn from this and do better."

So then, in that moment, instead of being in self-negation, I am in the practice of compassion toward myself. I may even do something kind for myself then.

If I cannot practice compassion toward myself, can I ever practice it toward others? Or is outward compassion that I can't give myself just a "mask" I wear or role I play?

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I think that to some extent I have to earn my positive self-image. When I behave consistently with the things I say that I value, I feel better about myself. One of the things that I have been learning over the past two years is to show myself the same compassion and understanding that I might show to others. So that when my inner crab-apple voices tell me I'm not good enough, I can offer myself a bit of self-love and understanding.

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Hi folks,

I agree with Wants here - wise words.

Cheers, Myzen

I am following this thread also because I've reached out more than once to IG and have been told that we "HAD" to respond nicely to him. I don't HAVE to do anything that I DON"T want to do. I do not have to spend time sitting here, at my daughter's computer, trying hard to reach IG. I could be DOING something else. But I made a choice to try and help him. Both of you made really good points about what's actually going on with IG. Whether or not he accepts your words and mine, is his choice. I didn't lie to him when I said that he is not unattractive. IG, I think, lies to himself. He blames whats going on on his looks when it's really the negative message that comes from inside that he sends. I hope, IG, that you have learned something that you can take and use from all of this. Pat p.s. I live alone and I like it. I do things for myself, as rewards, and try to help others as much as possible. I'd like to suggest that you spend one day doing things for others.....without telling them that you are doing it.......and see how you feel afterwards. The 12th step of the AA program stresses that we're at our best when we're doing for others. I find that to be true.

I happen to be a woman, and I do not throw myself at "pretty boys" I tend to find them repulsive because they KNOW how attractive they are. I prefer a guy who is down to earth funny and nice, that is where attractiveness comes from. So GUY take that!

Where are ALL these women who want a man for his personal characteristics and don't care about his looks? LOL

To address some of the comments made earlier. Yes , I agree that it's an unconscious security thing to hang on to negative thoughts but I'm trying to work on that. It's not that simple. Someone else mentioned that no woman would want to be around a guy who's negative and puts himself down. Agreed. That's obvious but I have to point out we here are in a forum where we vent and share things we wouldn't do upon getting to know someone for the first time. Believe me, I'm not this way in regular life. All I'll say though is two weeks in the personals with roughly 3000 women looking and not one reply says it all. ... Just a thought. I've never heard of a woman wanting to pinch a man's mind.

IG, after reading all your responses to all the good posts made to you, it's my firm conviction that you don't WANT to buy it! You failed to try and understand what was said in the article I posted about Beauty is in the "I". It wasn't speaking of OUTER beauty! You are just too comfortable in your misery and can't or won't take a chance on a different perspective.

Other people, as well as I, have posted to you what we have posted because we are LIVING PROOF that our methods have been tried and found true. They've worked for us!

"Don't depend on others." "Be enough unto yourself." "Accept and love yourself." All of these have been proven to be the basis of being a more complete, healthy human being.

I like to depend on others, still. But it doesn't work any better now than it ever did! When I do this, it's ALWAYS back to the drawing board and I HAVE to depend on myself.

"No man is an island." That is also true. God created Adam and Eve first, so that Adam would not be alone. He then created Eve as his HELPMATE, NOT to complete him. From there, the earth became populated, because "man" should not be alone. Yes, we need love, we need companionship, we need help, but FIRST it should come from within US. If you don't LOVE YOURSELF, you can't love others. If you can't be YOUR OWN COMPANION, you can't be a good companion to others. If you can't HELP YOURSELF, you can't help others.

It seems that you have many great needs. From time to time, you'll find someone that can meet SOME of those needs SOMETIMES. If you keep depending on that someone, you'll soon sap all of their strength, UNLESS they take time to meet their own needs, at which time THEY WILL LET YOU DOWN. There will be needs that they simply won't be able to meet because THEY don't have the knowledge of the need nor the recourses. Only YOU know your need and only YOU know how to meet that need. If you don't, then open up your mind and take in what is being said to you, read books. One I would STRONGLY recommend is Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw. Mr. Bradshaw is the one that made me aware that my needs as a child weren't met and taught me how to identify and meet those needs.

You say you need to depend on others. How many of us have given you our insights and told you what has worked for us, but yet, YOU DON'T ACCEPT OUR HELP! Could it be that you don't really want help but only want others to feel sorry for you? You say you're ugly, the rest of us say you're not. Do you believe us? No! All of your answers are "No!" What gives?? Why post? Why ask?

If you don't want to take our statements as facts, at least THINK about what we're saying before you REJECT our help.

Something else; it doesn't matter what came first, the chicken or the egg. Fact is, we have both! It doesn't matter where your depression came from. Fact is, you have it. Start from there and start to do something about it, like seeing a doc to give you something to control it. From there, you'll need to start working on yourself. You don't have to do it alone, if you will only ACCEPT what is being said to you.

Good luck.

Oneday and WantsTo, RIGHT ON!! Kudos to you!

well guy lots of us are SHY and hope that the guy will approach us first. ALSO, I too have my picture posted on AOL's LOVE.com and how many people have contacted me since I've had it up for over a year? 3!!! and you've seen my picture!

There's a misunderstaning about something. I never said the words "I need to depend on someone". My point, maybe better said, is that we need other people in our lives to "help" us become the whole person we can be. Again, if we didn't need others and we could just be content with "loving ourselves", we'd all be happy campers living in isolation. As far as The Beauty is in the "I". My opinion is that it sounds nice on paper but doesn't always apply in true life. It's still my firm opinion (which I think many don't want to think could be true) a little bit of chicken with eggs says that you can't truly love/accept yourself unless you've also received some of that from others as well. I get the feeling many would be more than happy if they never see me here again. I'm not saying it's not "me' that's the problem but a good part of it could be that my different perspective just make some people start to think of something they're afraid of because it goes against what you've believed for so long.

Hey SpazKatt, maybe the reason you got so few replies is that you're being way too specific on your requirements of what you're looking for?

Guy I've never heard that, my view is that you need to learn to love yourself before someone can truly love YOU!

That's so easy to say once you've already experienced the love of another.

IC take a good look in the mirror and list the positive things about yourself, then tell us why we should give up on you
Be kinder to Gary
Angie

I agree it's easy to say but it's VERY hard to do! so you know I do not have a lover

I agree angie, like my YOUNGER sister said,when you feel like crap look in the mirror and say out loud ONE thing you like about yourself. For me, it's my eyes and shoulders.

you gots a cute nose too

who has a cute nose?!?!?! it BETTER not be me!!!

Ohhhh sorry Katt your right, it's your cute smile
Angie

Gary when I say be kinder to Gary, I mean you need to like yourself more and be kinder to yourself
Angie

i have never had a good positive self image. my childhood was full of neg. because my mother loves misery and wants everyone around her just as miserable. it affected my relationships with men, i would fall for anyone who would give me the time of day, they paid attention to me so they must like me. after they got what they wanted, of course, they would move on because i was too complex for them. i was high maintaince. i was crazy, messed in the head, i had problems.

this led to an even deeper depression and horrid self image. i was easier to use than a doormat. then i stopped trusting men, took what i wanted, and left before i was hurt yet again. i was using like i had been used, which left me so empty. i can't even begin to explain how hollow and depressed i had become.

i was a loser, not even worth the bullet that would end my misery. such a horrid person i was. then i got pregnant by a man i didn't even care for and my self image became irrevelant.

i gave birth to twin girls 7 mos. later and could not believe they were healthy because i cried every day for that 7 mos. because i was now bringing two little ones into this misery i had of a life.

i still don't see myself as a good person, i am just a single mother, twice married and just recently separated from the second marriage who is fed up with men, and am just getting through the day so i can get through another.

when i look in the mirror the only good i see in myself is the two kids in the background. they are good kids so i must be doing something right at least with them. until some study comes out that says kids are born good or bad and parenting has nothing to do with it
( jk ).

i don't see myself as anything but a single parent trying to raise my kids the best i can. other than that i see myself as a loser when it comes to men and life. i live in a trailer, have a job that don't pay jack, struggling to make ends meet, and believe there is not a man walking this planet that i can love as i do my kids, and that could love me the same.

sorry for the long post, i just got carried away.
some may say that i have alot to be thankful for, and don't get me wrong, i do. my kids are my life and they are what is important. i just hope i do a good enough job hiding my depression, my neg. self image from them. i often worry if i will screw up their life as much as i have screwed up mine. oh, i hope not.

take care all
grace

IG, something else I've learned on my road to recovery and I learned it early on; "Feelings are not facts." Maybe you're feelings are telling you the wrong thing. They usually do that to people.

Ok, I give up! Think and believe what you want. It's just so frustrating to hand someone the proof of what they need and they say "No, thank you." Fine then.

Maybe you haven't had any responses on your personals because of the way you present yourself, not your looks.

Take a look at MY picture in the gallery. I'm fat, my smile lacks teeth, I can hardly walk but looking just like that, I got my second husband back about three years ago. I sure didn't do it with my sexy body and good looks!

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I think I have much to give but no one wants to receive it. Then there is the other extreme, the men who may be cruel and have the personality of a door mat. But as long as they are "pretty boys', women will throw themselves at them. It's so #@&king unfair! I agree with AngelGirl. We need others in our lives. I've noticed those who preach "all you need is yourself" are seldom the ones who experience true isolation and actually have be forced to try to practice it. I'm sorry for sounding so angry but I just don't see life as being the way so many people want to believe it is.

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Bingo!!! I too feel that I have so much love to give to others but they don't want it. I just don't get it. I also feel very isolated in life. How can you find happiness from within if you don't like yourself? Where are you supposed to start? I have absolutely no friends IRL. I can't even maintain friendships on the net unless the person is also afflicted with some sort of mental disorder. Others get tired very quickly with my constant cycling and depression. So, where is the positive self image in all that? For me, it takes somebody to give me love and constantly reassure me that they love me because I have a hard time even receiving it from others. It's so foreign for me. My parents never once told me they loved me and my life has been riddled with rejection and abandonment. With all that I'm supposed to find a positive self image and happiness from within? How?

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IG....you can be surrounded by people and still be alone. I know women who are married and are still alone.

Take this for what it is worth...(and I don't mean any offense) I'm trying to say this tactfully and supportively...but I'm not sure it is.

I (ME, personally, JUST ME) judge people's attractiveness by their insides... you look "normal" on the outside...but on the inside...you can be as unattractive as you think you are.

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I'd like to comment on this. Yes, you can be at a party and still be alone, you can be married and still feel alone. It's partially how the other person makes you feel. Do they ignore you or do they show you love and kindness?

You personally may judge people on their insides but that is not the norm in this world. Most people look at the exterior and if they don't like what they see, then they never get to meet what could've been a wonderful person. This happens all the time. Far more often than people walking up to someone who is not gorgeous and getting to know the *real* person. As far as myself is concerned, even though I don't like myself, I do think I have some good qualities. On the net, you get to meet the *real* person first, what's on the inside. Too bad IRL is not the same.