[SilkySpeed7]

Hey fellow Boderlines....do you ever take like five or more minutes trying to decide on something? Like for example going to a gas station and wanting something to drink but not wanting your regular brand but amybe wanting something different and so you look at everything and NOTHING sounds good not even really the regular brand and you still continue to stand there not being able to make up your mind until finilaly you get sick of it and go with your usual brand anyways?

Or not having a sense of idenity? I wished I could find one......to like something and know it and not be on both sides......to firmly say this is who I am....because I really don't know...........how do I find out..........

[90mphINneutral]

OMG I am the same way!!! I could not make a decision to save my life. As far as the sense of identity I've given up. I wish I could say this is who I am but I can't and I will never find it. If you ever figure out how to find out lemme know!!

[jbug]

I can never make my mind up. Right now I'm thinking ok I'm making lemon pepper chicken for supper but what should go with it and I'll end up letting my mom make the decision when she gets home from work. This morning I was thinking ok do I wear my flannel pants to school or do I change into jeans and it took me 20 minutes to decide to wear jeans.

Jbug

[SilkySpeed7]

I am glad I am not alone.
The other day I decieded I liked Italian food and this felt like a HUGE breakthrough....
Oppose to someone asking "whats your favorite food" And I would not be able to answer for the life of me.
I wished I could have an idenity. I think I still have the same clothes from high school. I don't know what style I am or anything. It is hard.....
wished they made a magical pill for us borderlines......wouldn't that be wonderful????

[dpadilla89]

im the sammmmmmmmmmmmmme way...

phewwww

[sara1010]

Has the thought occurred that many of these questions we ask ourselves, are not really important? What you like or decide to wear, drink or eat, does not the person make, nor do they identify who or what you are. These particular sorts of things serve only to clutter the mind. A person can like numerous things, the favorites be changeable, however the mood strikes you. Which is wonderful! Because we have sooooo many! LOL! And really, when you think of this sort of thing as a huge problem in your life, treating it with the utmost seriousness, well, it stresses a person out. What comes to mind as I write this is Lucille Ball. Was the Lucy character BPD? I think so. Least that's what I think. Could you sit back and see some humor in the indecisions we have?

[90mphINneutral]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
vulgerlove said:
I am glad I am not alone.
The other day I decieded I liked Italian food and this felt like a HUGE breakthrough....
Oppose to someone asking "whats your favorite food" And I would not be able to answer for the life of me.
I wished I could have an idenity. I think I still have the same clothes from high school. I don't know what style I am or anything. It is hard.....
wished they made a magical pill for us borderlines......wouldn't that be wonderful????

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I plan on inventing a pill for us borderlines.

[SilkySpeed7]

I hate it. I like it. But then again...I hate to love it and love to hate it..........PUSH me over ONE SIDE of the fence.

How hates the feeling of emptiness; besides me?

[complic8d]

I understand feeling like I have no identity. If someone asked me who I was, I wouldn't know what to say. Sometimes I wonder if I really exist?? And I am so scared of losing all the "labels" I have that are not helpful to me, but I'm afraid there will be nothing left. Who am I without my depression, perfectionism, fears, diagnoses?? I don't know either...

[Rapunzel]

OMG, all of this it totally me too.

Not being able to make decisions comes from my family honestly enough. If we went to a fast food restaurant, the first one of us in line would stare at the menu for 15 minutes trying to decide on something, then each person after that needed an additional 5-10 minutes minumum, and by that time the ones at the beginning would have changed their minds because they thought of something else, or what someone else wanted sounded better. It took a couple of hours just to order!

I'm really struggling with figuring out my identity and who I am. See my "Who Am I" thread in self-esteem if you are interested. Emptiness and lack of identity are big issues for me. I've spent plenty of time wondering if I even exist, and then I get into I don't deserve to exist, and even feel like I'm invisible.

Have you watched "Runaway Bride?" It's a great movie about not knowing who you are.

Rap

[dasiy6]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rapunzel said:
Have you watched "Runaway Bride?" It's a great movie about not knowing who you are.

Rap

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Funny.......I have never seen the movie, but as I read this thread it is on the TV........it is me ,

unfortunately I married someone because I did not know how to say no......he is a very nice guy to be sure, but we had and still have NOTHING in common....it makes me so sad .

We have been married for 25+ years, probably because I hmmmmm......just swallow my own person....whoever that maybe, and just plod along.

I hate myself for being so indecisive, I can't decorate, can't hang pictures, can't pick out glasses, can't do anything... And when I do make a decsision I second guess everything I ever have done........ If someone want's my opinion on something "Hey do you like this picture?" I try so hard to read the other people in the room for the "right" answer...... And if I can't get a feel.....I just skillfully change the subject or better yet make a joke (if someone hasn't already) about my lack of opinions.......%#@&#!..... I sure am tired.......

Christmas is the worst...........I want everyone to be happy......I want to know that I got just the right gift for everyone........and I can't make ANY decisions...

Sorry I hijacked the thread.........but does it ever get better? I am 47 and damn I am tired and depressed........still...........sorry again

[Rapunzel]

Me too, Daisy. Including getting married for lack of knowing how to say no. I've been married for 15 years, and my husband is a good guy too, but I wish that I had learned how to be myself, and now I want the independence that I was afraid of before and didn't know how to cope with. I don't know what my opinions are or what I like, and I'm afraid it would be wrong if I tried to say what I'm thinking. Can't identify my feelings either because I'll probably get it wrong. Maybe I'm getting a little better at it now, but it's still so, so hard.

Rap

[HelgaDE]

I have the same thing... I cant decide what i want for dinner! My poor father gets irritated when I cant decide what to eat.

I cant decide even if im very hungry.

[meowsers]

sara you make a good point. borderlines attack themselves utterly and completely. we cannot see anything positive in ourselves. even not knowing instantly what to choose in line at McDonalds can become something to attack yourself about. we are not the only ones to take ages to make decisions - i nkow plenty of people who cannot make decisions and who are not borderline. what sets us aside is the bashing we give ourselves for not knowing. probably because we didn't know fast enough, or didn't choose the healthiest option, or because because because - we can invent reason to self hate like no other - that's where the problem is - in how we react - not that we cannot choose

i think we need to seperate deeper problems with self identity and so on, from choice making regarding food

self identity problems can ruin your life, but choosing pepsi over cola and feeling antse later is not the same thing at all. mind you, having said that - i have done something so trivial, such as choose something i later deemed 'wrong', and gone home and self harmed because i've used it as evidence that i can't even think about simple things. little things can attach themselves to big stuff and become part of the bigger problem, acting as evidence that you can't do ANYTHING - black and white thinking.

oh, my head hurts.

[meowsers]

oh yeah and i just wanted to add that i can spell know!

so i don't go and self harm later lol

ok then x

[sara1010]

Meowsers Said:
sara you make a good point. borderlines attack themselves utterly and completely. we cannot see anything positive in ourselves. even not knowing instantly what to choose in line at McDonalds can become something to attack yourself about. we are not the only ones to take ages to make decisions -

and

self identity problems can ruin your life, but choosing pepsi over cola and feeling antse later is not the same thing at all. mind you, having said that - i have done something so trivial, such as choose something i later deemed 'wrong', and gone home and self harmed because i've used it as evidence that i can't even think about simple things

Yep, this is what I meant when I posted about the issue.

Beating yourself up because you can't make an instant decision is not right. I think whoever does this needs to take a good hard look inside and back in time to see who the hell it was that made you like this. If your parents are still around, is this something they do? Are they impatient? I mean you've got to have gotten some bad information somewhere along the line to that said you were bad if you couldn't decide which flavor of ice cream to get.

[meowsers]

in my family if you didn't get something instantly, you were 'slow'

intellect reigned supreme

[sara1010]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
meowsers said:
in my family if you didn't get something instantly, you were 'slow'

intellect reigned supreme

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

So this is what you took in as Parent information. This is what you were told to beleive. They probably even used the words, stupid, idiot, retarded, blah, blah, blah.......and as children, at their mercy, we had to beleive it. And so you as a child, never think of yourself as 'OK'. You grow up thinking 'I'M NOT OK' because of the crappy info you have in your head. My own mother still tries to make me feel like ***** to this day! Thank the Lord she is 1000's of miles away. Plus there is always the possibility that the persons you are emotionally dependant on, are in fact inflicting Emotional Blackmail on you because they know of the weak state your Adult is in.

[meowsers]

i think it's more accurate to say that nothing was ever quite good enough. and that more weight was given to what was not done well than to what was done well, ie, more negative than positive. this combined with the knoweldge that if we did not do well, we would be intensely disapproved of

everything was ok unless i screwed up and then people acted like the world was coming to an end

that put the fear of god in me. anyway. blah!

[Lexicon78]

It takes me 3 hours just to decide what I'm gonna buy at Wal-Mart! I'm not talking about a bunch of items, either. It takes me 3 hours just to decide if I want these jeans or that shirt!

I gave up trying to figure out my purpose in life and my identity and all that...I'll never truly figure it out.

[Rapunzel]

There are a couple of things that I have learned recently about BPD and about anxiety and decision-making. First of all, on anxiety. I hadn't connected that to making decisions, large and small, but that explains it. In dysfunctional families, anxiety is how emotional closeness is regulated. Family members feel anxious when they are either too close or too distant from each other, and in dysfunctional families it is overused and becomes chronic. When you're afraid that everything you do is going to be disapproved of (anxiety), it's hard to make any decisions, even little ones. Much more big ones like what to do with your life.

Anxiety and decision-making are relevant to BPD because of the ways they grow out of dysfunctional family systems. The thing I learned about BPD is cognitive. BPD is characterized by a basic cognitive error, "Someone is going to mess everything up anyway, so I'll just mess it up myself before they do."