Husband recently diagnosed with personal disorder and narcissism

I am currently 6 months pregnant raising four kids, two my own and two of my husband's. He has classic personality disorder with narcissism. He reeled me in and is now playing on my vunerability. I read up on the subject. It says to ignore him and or basically kiss his butt. The lies upon lies scare me. He lies about big things, little things. He is all about himself. We are having money trouble, but it's okay for him to spend it for gambling, going out with the guys etc, even at the expense of the family. He seems not to pay much attention to the family anymore. I feel so alone. He is now gone for the weekend on an outing with his friends. He had the nerve to tell me, "boy I sure look hot". This is the tip of the iceberg. Everything is about him, most of what we watch on TV, when he feels like doing something around the house, and he has unrealistic expectations of me. I was doing very well, but I am having pregnancy complications, but he doesn't help me at all. The more I ask for help and attention, the more he backs off. How does he expect this relationship to work? I love him with all of me and always will, but I am bipolar and don't want to lose myself to him. Our doctor already told me the chances of him cheating on me (I met him when he was married, he left her for me), are huge. So now I sit here with all this terrible information, not knowing how to help him or myself, he is out with the guys drinking all day for a football game and they may be going to a gambling club. No kids are home this weekend, I am lonely and confused. It is so hard when your heart says one thing and your head says another. Dealing with the denial is killing me. Anybody have any other tips to help with this issue? We have a beautiful family, a beautiful house, and I thought a good future, he was sure great in the beginning. I always thought too good to be true....well, that came true. I am rambling, but I need advice, please help

I don't know if you work or have any "control" over any money or anything like that? I would go to a counselor for a few sessions and then maybe to a lawyer and check out various options for you and the kids. I remember when I was having trouble at work with no possibility of change and my therapist pointed out I could stay and get depressed or I could leave. Sounds like you might be at that point.

If you need help (especially with your pregnancy) then you need help! If he isn't giving it or getting it for you, that's not a good sign. Don't use his disorder as an "excuse" for him to behave badly. Is he seeing a therapist or doctor (how did he get diagnosed)? As much as you love him, you may have to let him go at this stage in his and your life in order to protect yourself and the children. I would try to get some control over some of the money and/or spend whatever time you have left before things get worse to make a plan. Filing first for divorce gets an "edge;" I would at least see/get a lawyer and see if anything can legally be done to help the situation (like getting you control of some of the assets because of his past behavior, etc.) and to get a "support" team in place for if/when things get worse and to use to show him you are serious and supported (so then he'll have to make some decisions about his behavior or you'll leave him or throw him out and make his life a little less comfortable to him).

I am very sory for your situation.

Definately ask him to see a counselor with you. You need help to mediate, to be a witness to his selfishness. Talk to your friends and family (his too) about what he's doing that is unhealthy/scary/illogical. Talk it up. If you allow yourself to be isolated in this situation, he will use it to his advantage. To a N., you are meerly an object that he 'bought'. To use or discard at his good leisure. No way for a person to be treated and not a good atmosphere to raise healthy happy children in. His manipulation can be so suttle - but no less destructive.

I learned a great deal at this link:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - FAQ's

Please be careful, in my situation violence was threatened. It can escalate to this.

VoNPD

Thank you for the information. He was originally diagnosed with depressive disorder, s/p traumatic stress disorder. He also has hemochromotosis which has eaten away some of the mylen in his brain. This is where I thought the original problem was coming from. We both see the same doctor, though he hasn't been there because he has been working so much. I have known her for 7 years. I have had emergency appts lately due to his behaviors. I believe that if I wasn't pregnant, it could possibly turn violent. Of course he blames everything on my bipolar disorder. But I have calmed down so much over the years and actually got much better when he came into my life. But I guess that was the reeling in portion of the relationship. I am currently disable due to my condition and with twins with ADHD ODD and bipolar disorder, the doctor doesn't send me back to work because she is afraid I may go over the edge. That's if he doesn't send me there first. I bring social security into the house in addition to $300.00/wk child support, I make out pretty well for a stay at home mom as we have no child care bills and I am always available to handle the sick kids, when schools out etc. I pay all the bills. But he says he works his @#$ off, and this is true he works very hard at work. But since he is so self-centered, I am lonely. I talk to kids during the day or noone. I am involved with the PTA. That is helpful sometimes. I think the doctor is going to talk to him next time he goes, the first saturday in December (if he doesn't cancel again). I am currently living day to day. I could never talk to his family. He has no relationship with his brother 20 years his senior, his mother is just like him, and his dad died when he was 7 years old. I have to put some of this blame on his mom, she says stuff such as "I should have flushed you down the toilet when you were born, like I wanted to". She had a mental health admission for post partum depression. They have a on again off again relationship. They talk for a few months then don't talk for like six months. She tried putting me down as well, he has always stuck up for me. But recently this relationship has been rekindled as she had cancer removed. All he ever wanted was her to love him, she has twisted way of showing it. I believe his issues are both hereditary and a poor upbringing. My twins father is a jerk, that is putting it mild. They love my husband like a dad. He was an excellent father, just recently he has been changing. He had a lot of trouble dealing with his natural son's issues of SAD, ADD and some other things. His son doesn't meet his expectation, so he lies and pumps the poor child up. I know the person he can be or I thought I did. He had been very caring and loving, but I am afraid that was the act. That's how I got hooked. I guess the next few months will be telling and will point me in the right direction. But we have custody of his stepchildren. I love them as if they were mine, that is my dilemma, the children. My boys did so much better with him around and where his ex-wife has no maternal instincts, I took over. I care for them in every way while they both work. I feel used. I don't know what to believe, what reality is anymore. I did have a questions, I heard this can get worse, can it???? Btw, I was on that link one of you sent me already. I have been researching this like mad. My doc said a mood stabilizer would help somewhat. but he has to admit to the problem and with his ego being as big as the universe, I doubt that will happen. Day by day I am taking it. I can admit I am not perfect. I do have problems. But they are getting now worse because of him. I am rambling because other than discussing some things with my doc and mother, I feel very alone. Of course, I tried telling him I felt lonely but he doesn't care. It doesn't pertain to him at this time. Thanks for the info though it's not the best news, it's reality, facing reality is a difficult thing to do. I plan to back off as much as possible and just live my own life (in the same house) and see where it goes. Btw, he has threatened me with divorce because stupid me threatened to leave him...which my doctor now tells me I never should have done. Don't do or say anything that I can't follow through with and I am not ready today to leave yet. Again, thanks for listening.

Hi kmarie, my husband is a narcissist. I did not know anything about this personality disorder until recently. Maybe it would have helped me if I had understood his problem earlier and better. I just kept treating him like a "normal" person, expecting "normal" responses, and being in denial when he didn't give them. I just couldn't believe someone could actually be that self-absorbed and narcissistic. He felt entitled to a lot in life and did not see that I should get anything. He didn't let me have the career I wanted because his came first, and he felt entitled to having affairs outside the marriage. Never felt any guilt about it at all, just that it was his due. Had no concern that his partner in life did not get any of the things in life he did. Now we are getting divorced. Finally! I wish I had been wiser years and years ago and not kept trying to make the marriage work with someone who was just not capable of having a loving partnership.

I think what would have helped me years ago was to go to a therapist for help in the relationship. I think that would have helped me set boundaries in the relationship and not be so enabling of his behavior (I just let him walk all over me). I'm not sure this would have saved the marriage, but it would have helped me decide sooner to leave. I also think couples therapy with a really good therapist might have been helpful. I did suggest marriage counseling to my husband about 10 years ago, but he wouldn't go. He was content with the marriage the way it was.

Good luck, kmarie.

Sunrise,
I am sorry you went through all that, as I am now living it. I asked him to go to marriage counseling and he said why? So you (meaning me) can put my spin on things? Hopefully when the doctor confronts him, I can put my foot down better. He is out tonight with the guys which he rarely does do, I have to admit that. All I am doing is sitting here worrying whether he is with another girl. You know the guy code. Thanks for the input. Tonight has been a huge eye opener for me, not in a good way though. I am more sad and scared. But I need to deal. I hope you are happy now with your life. You are very strong in my eyes. I am trying to get all the info I can and use it wisely. I could use a little of your strength right now.

(((((kmarie)))))

Tell him the reason you want him to go to counseling with you is so that there will be no spin - so that he can adequately represent himself.

(actually he knows he'll dig his own grave)

sweetie, this is a battle for your sanity and for your children's future. In my situation it was truly psychological warfare. we have been divorced for 2.5 years now (no kids by him) and he still fancies that he has some control over me. still calls wanting to meet or buy me lunch or to dangle some carrot on a stick in my face.

If there is any hope to save your marriage, you will find it in counseling. If there's any hope of escaping this insanity, you will find it in counseling. We did 6mo of marriage counseling and at the end of that time the T. advised me to RUN. FAST. that my life was in danger. It helped that I kept my family and friends (and 2 of his family and 1 friend) in the loop - they all knew he threatened my life and had the firepower to back it up. Made me feel a tiny bit safer knowing that if he pulled anything there would be credible witnesses.

Godspeed,
VoN

kmarie,

I hope you will find a therapist for yourself to help you with all of this.