It's Hitting Me Too Hard

Glad you are going to get some rest and a day out - yay for conner!

Torquey is a lovely place - you'll have a great day - take care P7

I slept!!! But woke up in a panic because I had half an hour in which to get to the bank, draw money out, go home with the money then make a 15 minute walk to a verrrrry important meeting! But I got here 15 minutes early! Woohoo!

I woke up without the headache, though, which was good, but didn't get time to grab my bottle of water from the fridge But, I grabbed my wallet so now can buy a bottle of water! aren't I so clever? :P I beg to differ!

Let's just hope that tonight is a good night with Connor and I and that he doesn't get angry or sarcastic when I don't eat anything for dinner. Sigh. We'll soon see!!

I'll be out again this next week TPND. We are going camping................

I know what you mean. I think any current instance of that, even if it's pretty minor, reminds me of earlier instances that I found much more upsetting. The strategy I seem to have worked out is to make sure I don't lie, so that if someone ever does decide I'm lying, that just makes it clear it's their issue and makes it much easier for me to sort out.

Sounds like you did pretty much the same thing, on the fly.

have a great day out wiht Connner - relax and enjoy Torquay

I always make sure I don't lie, FooZe. I hate liars, so why on Earth would I be one myself? He reckoned that I was lying about starving myself and that the weightloss would be obvious after 2 days of starving, which, on Saturday, he later admitted was a wrong statement and he said that he is going to se someone from SWEDA to get all the tension and anger, upset etc over this, off his chest. He asked me how I really felt about the situation and about him. I told him the truth. I told him this:

"When you called me a liar, I hated you because the voice calling me a liar was Shana. I know I go back to her voice and stuff when people say bad things to/about me, but I can't help it. I'm still trying to get over it... I felt like starving even more just to spite you. I felt like you didn't love me and that you didn't even listen to what I've said to you or seen how much I'm struggling with this. I feel like you think you can have control over everything in my life, and yes I admit that I probably let you have that control, feed it to you.. If that makes any sense whatsoever.. But now that there's one major thing in my life that you can't have control over, because even I can't have control over it, you've thrown a hissy fit, got p-ssed off about it and don't like it so you're taking it out on me when it's actually not my fault. That's how I feel. You hurt me when you called me a liar and I still feel like you meant it, even if you say you didn't... because you told me on that night that you did mean it. So what the hell am I supposed to believe? I struggle like hell with this and all I want is for you just to be there as my cushion to land on when I need you, as well as my partner and lover. I just need a bit of support. I can understand that you're finding it difficult to come to terms with and I'm not expecting you to just accept it, but just to be there when I need you and not be so harsh."

We didn't go to Torquay in the end, the forecast was crap so we went to Taunton shopping instead. It was great fun even though it was so close to my hometown anyway! We did lots of walking and went for a meal (eeeek! That came back up against my will), then we did some shopping and I got some new trousers and a pair of shoes and we had a pretty happy day, with no upsets whatsoever apart from my thighs stinging.

Onto my thighs stinging, we got home, I took my trousers off to stop teh stinging and see what it was and the insides of both my thighs were red raw. I asked Connor to take pictures so that I could see properly and it was pretty horrendous. So, we went to the MIU and they gave me some steroid cream and said to stay at home, sat down or in bed all day the next day. Ummmm. That didn't happen! But she said that if it didn't clear up within a week, to go to my GP and ask to see a dermotologist. Oooo what fun. It's not cleared up entirely, so it could be going that way.

Had blood tests done on Thursday, not had the results back yet so I'm guessing it's looking good so far. I have bee trying very hard to eat more, but it's proving insanely difficult at least I'm trying I guess..

Sannah, my friend put me into a very relaxed state! It was so nice to just finally sit down, be talking to her fiance and have her running around for me instead of me running around for everyone else. We were chatting about his court case and such, but I was relaxed anyway because he wasn't worried about it and neither was she, so we just had a pretty chilled out evening and I slept.

Last night wasn't so good though. I didn't sleep until 5.30am this morning, so woke up at 10am feeling horrid. Still went out shopping and walking etc though. i know that was a bad idea, but... I felt bored..

Just hope I sleep better tonight..

Glad you had a good day out and hope you get some sleep

I got more sleep last night, but it was restless and I had some very strange, but vivid dreams which was quite unsettling. My evening was quite bad. I just felt really down and yucky and like I didn't want to see anyone or do anything, or even be here.

But I'm still here and still feeling quite down, but I'm coping.. I think. Just finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that one of my close friends has lung cancer.. I don't really know what else to say, my head's mush at the moment.. Sorry.

When you feel that way, do you find you need to drop everything and attend to it? I picture myself more like, "That's interesting, I feel down and yucky right now. Wonder what that's about?" -- and then I'd either go on with whatever was in front of me to do or, if worst came to worst and I found I wasn't up to it, take a nap. For me that seems to be the miracle cure.

I do make some allowances if I'm feeling "off" -- I might be extra careful using power tools, for instance, and keep a close eye on whether I was having any near misses.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I know that's a scary diagnosis and I hope he/she gets good treatment and does well. Keep noticing what you're feeling about your friend, even though it may be hard for you at times -- letting it come up almost always works better than stuffing it and having it run you. Was the "down and yucky" that you mentioned in response to finding out about your friend, or before?
That's what it's like for me when I've got a lot of stuff going on that I haven't managed to sort out yet. Try giving yourself some time and elbow room to work on it. Just that much often turns out to be enough.

I normally sleep, or clean when I have a lot on my mind. I do think about it sometimes, but I'm one of those that stuffs.

It was before I found out about my friend. I'm finding it hard and I'm really struggling with my ED, which is extremely hard to admit. But.. He has a lot on his mind at the moment and cancer on top of it is just not helping him at all.

I'm trying to give myself some space to work it out and I guess.. I'm just ranting a lot and trying to get it all off my chest, but if I wrote in a thread how i really felt, I'd look like a little kid that can't do anything for herself and can't deal with anything and isn't coping well at all.

I wish I could just be okay.

One more, and then I'd better call it a night:I know what you mean. I hate to sound anything like that myself. Most of the time I'm pretty competent and I hate either losing sight of that myself or having others lose sight of it and... and give me advice for doing stuff not even as well as I can already do it! I guess I want them to care for big me, not encourage me to be little me.

I don't mean to hijack your thread with my rambling. I guess I'm really asking if anything like that goes on for you. I can (in fact, I will!) wait till morning (here) for an answer.

Have a good day, TPND! I'm off to have myself a reasonably good (if slightly short) night.

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel, FooZe. You've hit the nail right on the head there!
I guess I don't want to go back to being that shy, scared and cowering little kid again. It's not a nice place to be --- in fact it's the worst place I have ever been! So yeah... No going back there, thankyou very much!

I'm tired.. And weak... And just feel rather crap today. I think I need more sleep. But I have so much to do!

im sorry about your friend - there are some great treatments for cancer today so I hope they are ok

I hope you are ok too -

I hope he's okay too

I'm not okay though. I've had a horrid, disgusting, nasty day and I just feel like giving up.

Sorry..

what happened TPND?

What phoenix7 said.

I don't know, I just all of a sudden felt really crappyand like dying. The ED voice got too much and everything else got too much. People kept asking me for help and I just thought why??? Why can't I be the one that's asking for help for once?

I honestly don't know what's happened I just feel like I have a heavy weight crushing me and like I'm walking around - more like stumbling around - with something dragging me down. I just feel like crying all the time again and like cutting or od'ing or starving. I've got a trip to a waterpark today with the YMCA and there's a BBQ or something and I've already been told I won't be eating. I forgot my bottle of water to take with me, so will have nothing to drink. ARGH!

I don't know what to do.. Connor asked me what was wrong last night, figured it was to do with my ED and it was like he was trying to put words into my mouth, taking advantage of the fact that I was confused and would say yes to anything that made even the remotest bit of sense.. But.. I didn't say yes, I disagreed with him a lot because he was saying that me talking to him wasn't actually me, it was the ED voice taking over, telling him that I never enjoyed eating when I'm with him and that he doesn't stop the ED voice from telling me what to do, I just eat to make him happy and that I pretend I'm fine with it, that I cover up how it really makes me feel. He asked if I was sure that was what it was and I was definately sure.

My shoulders hurt because they're so tense, last night I was so exhausted I fell asleep at about 11, but kept waking up every hour or so and woke up this morning feeling I needed more sleep. I feel sick, I feel unhappy and I just feel like the world is on my shoulders again. I wish I didn't even exist sometimes.

I give up -- why can't you?

That's what it usually feels like when you have stuff coming up in need of being looked at, that you'd rather not look at. Granted, you may not have much idea what it's about till you're out the other side of it; still, do you suppose it might be about something that happened recently to trigger you? You found out that your friend had cancer; you had that conversation with Connor last night; anything else?

Sometimes I pretend for a while that I don't exist. I become just a point of consciousness -- no dimensions, no attributes, no possessions, nothing. It typically takes 5 or 10 minutes at the outside for me to discover at least one thing that I'm ready to come back for. If I were to try it nowadays, I'd probably feel like getting back on the computer and checking my PC notifications.

im sorry you had a crappy day I hope the barbeque goes well - they will prob have water there to drink

asking for help is soooo much harder than giving it .... but try ok -- people are there to help you if you reach out.

please take care of you ok

I do try asking for help sometimes, but then I always seem to be ignored.. Like the typical conversation would go... "Hi, how've you been?" "Hi, I'm okay thanks, yourself?" "Things have been tough, but I'm coping" --- or whatever. But no, the second part is me and it's always cut out. The other person asking how I am is always cut out and it sucks. I just feel like standing there and saying "ASK ME HOW I AM THEN!!" Or.. "I'M FINE! THANKS FOR ASKING! NOT."

Heh. It makes me want to cry, just how much I try to help others and how little they seem to acknowledge that and want to help me too.. Even the closest of my friends..

Blaaaahhh. Today was okay, it wasn't so bad.. I was running around a lot and swimming so I felt not so bad about eating something, but it still managed to come back up again because my body just wouldn't accept it. Gaaaaah.

Sucky, sucky, stupid suckiness!

At least I tried?

This may sound a little odd, but I found myself thinking that (by some measure, anyway) you're in better shape than they are. You may be three-fourths desperate but you keep reaching out to people. Your friends may be only half desperate but they're wrapped up in keeping their own act together and have nothing to spare for anyone else.

The upshot is that <-- this hug's all for you, 'cause I don't even know them.

Thank you FooZe. That makes a lot of sense and the hug has put a smile on my face

I still feel selfish when I don't help someone, though.. But I guess with time I'll learn to listen to people when they say that I'm not selfish and take that in and believe it.. But for now, the only thing that resounds in my head is Shana's voice saying "you're such a selfish little ***** and nobody wants you."



Thank you for the hug

you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of others

I do believe that if I were Shana and I'd done such a marvelously thorough job of discrediting myself saying one thing after another that was blatantly untrue... I'd be a little miffed that you still believed me!

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When I was younger I'd walk down the street and notice a burglar alarm on a building and wonder, "Do burglars feel honored when they see how much trouble people are going to for their sake?"

I think there ought to be some way of just putting an especially giant smilie as a response to some of these posts, rather than having to invent some longer way of saying the same thing, or saying "Thanks", which isn't the same thing...