It's Hitting Me Too Hard

So glad you are feeling better. I just had a chance to read all of the messages tonight... looks like you've been through a lot of emotions lately.

I share many of the same feelings. My PTSD is my greatest enemy. I'm in full blown trigger right now. It's such an awful cycle and I just can't break away from the current abuse because of the guilt.

My life, away from these people, is amazing in comparison. It isn't like... super travel the world wealthy as crud great... but it's peaceful and calm and clean and happy. I want that life back soooo much but the longer I stay here, the more I forget HOW to get that life back on track.

You are strong to be so brave as to share your story with the counselor. May I borrow some of your strength? Ha.

About the weight, please try and stay mindful of how you are caring for your body. It's a slippery slope between the various ways we can mistreat ourselves... and I think that the food is a big trigger for so many of us that we have to be especially careful to choose wisely in that area.

You are breathing more easily now... let that carry through to everything... let that breath calm your panic. Easier said than done, right? I should know... it's 5:21 am and I'm dead tired but awake because of guilt induced panic. Grrr.

Good luck with the cleaning! Sometimes cleaning helps me feel all accomplished and warm fuzzy. Maybe that will be the case for you as well. Thanks for sharing your story... it helps me to connect like this right now.

Thanks for your reply, ScaredSad.

Of course you can borrow some of my strength! :P
Yeah, easier said than done... Like with most things. Cleaning gives me a sense of warm, fuzzy accomplishment too But this week, there is a heatwave and lack of food and so much exercise and feeling so deathly crap today has made me decide that I cannot physically do it until I have let myself sleep. So, after my Key Support meeting at 11.30, I will go home and sleep. Then after that I will begin my cleaning.

Sharing my story makes my life more bearable sometimes.. Although I do feel guilty for dumping it here, I know that it's the only place I feel safe enough to just splurge it all. I'm feeling safer and safer with my counsellor as I see her more, which is good.. But just not safe enough yet. I think sometimes I'm a bit scared of her, like next week when she sees how quickly I'm losing weight and I tell her how much I've lost when she asks, I'm scared about that. I know she'll not be happy. I predict all this happening because I noticed her last night giving me sideward glances, looking at my stomach and frowning a bit. I still felt like I was the fattest, most failing person there though

I feel sick and just got a sharp pain in my chest.. Hmmm. Hate it when that happens. It's so painful! I get it a lot. Kind of like a burp and a hiccup at the same time, but not

Sounds to me like it would be well worth a try. You already feel guilty, don't you? There's an old expression (from your part of the world, I think) that I just love in cases like this: "Might as well be hanged for a sheep as for a lamb." If you're going to feel guilty anyway, even when you're succumbing, I'd say you're better off feeling guilty standing up for yourself.

But, hey! -- I just now read the rest of your post -- and it sounds like that is what you're doing. Good for you!

Gotta run, as usual. Carry on.

((((tpnd)))))

I'm trying. I know I'm working bloody hard in therapy. Getting on so well with my counsellor helps a bunch.

I just spoke to one of the SWEDA supporters. I got a lot off my chest, it was really helpful. *slumps shoulders* Connor's figured out that I'm not eating.. He was talking about when he comes over tomorrow.. I said that I wouldn't be eating because I was sick and didn't want to feed the bug. He asked me if I was sick because of not eating, I couldn't lie. He's getting angry I hate it when he gets angry and I'm trying so hard to explain why I'm doing it and why he can't help, why no-one can help me but myself etc. He just doesn't understand and he doesn't seem to want to..

I know he wants to help and I know he feels useless when he knows that he can't help.. But I've explained that him trying to force me to eat makes me worse, it makes me want the control even more, therefore starve even more. I hate this

This is good info to work with ^. I am glad that you had a good session and felt better after telling . Realizing how Connor affects you is good stuff to work on.

Connor admitted that he didn't want to understand and when I saw him the next day, I bawled my eyes out to him, explaining about the ED voice and how it feels impossible to fight HER because I'll get in trouble if I don't starve because SHE's helping me to lose weight, SHE's helping me to be happy..

I had a wonderful session yesterday with Counsellor and told her that I'd starved for four days. She asked how I'd felt when i did it and she was shocked at my reply and I said that I knew that it was strange that I didn't feel weak, that I felt numb and still kept running up and down the stairs etc and that I still did my usual day to day things, but that my concentration was so bad that even Connor asked if I was drunk! My words were all muddled and backwards and I seemed like I was slurring or something.l.. but it was just because my brain couldn't function.

After crying my eyes out for hours with Connor and him turning into a kind, caring guy again, he tried coaxing me to have some soup. Itried to make myself feel hungry, think to myself 'I feel hungry' like he told me to, but SHE would come back and yell at me that no, I'm not hungry and that no, I will NOT eat unless I want to be the fat, ugly, disgusting elephant that everyone laughs at. Ouch. After a lonnnnnng time thinking about it, I asked Connor to hurry up and get me some soup before she made me change my mind. I was watching a film with him at the time. I was so scared. He asked me what I was scared she'd do and I said that I didn't really know, but I guess I was just scared of her sharp words and he said does that sound like someone that cares? I said no, but she's helping me to feel better by getting me to lose weight faster... Then he said "Do I sound like someone who cares?" and I said yes, but him yelling at me about it all the time and saying that he doesn't want to understand, that his mind wouldn't let him try to because "it's not natural for someone to starve themself" doesn't help me one bit and I guess that sometimes that's why I go to HER because she makes me feel better becaus she's helping me to lose weight and feel better about myself by doing so.

I've not slept properly in ages and I have to have blood tests next week because Counsellor, after I told her that I'd not eaten in four days, said she was concerned and that if I felt I couldn't even eat a cereal bar some days, I'd nee to have blood tests because my potassium levels and such will be dropping quite quickly :-/ I KNOW what the results will be and I just don't want my dr to see them because they'll pick up on an ED and they'll try and force me to eat I'm so scared.

I just want to be okay..

Welcome back, Sannah

Hi TPND, good to see you back! I feel like I've been neglecting you (among others).

It doesn't sound to me as if starvation is entirely good for you.

Didn't I see a video of you just a few weeks ago where you didn't look fat? And the way you describe it, wouldn't you have lost at least a few more ounces since then? By any chance are you the only one who can see that fat, ugly, disgusting elephant you mentioned? Because if so, then I'm not sure starving yourself physically will have much effect on how you see yourself. Seems like there's got to be a better way.

Take care of yourself, hun!

Hi TPND, can you say to that voice - I understand that you are trying to protect me and mkae me feel safe - now can we talk about a better way to do it and see what she says?

Sometimes ED is a bit like SI where we punish ourselves - I know for me it was also a way of avoiding dealing wiht my emotions and what was going on...... somthing to think about maybe..... sitting down next to you - listening to what your heart says.......

See... i think I look fat in that video, it's horrible. I didn't look as bad as I normally look, but I'd been eating then. I know that when I've starved for over 3-4 days, I start getting spots and look pale/green according to my counsellor. Maybe I am the only one who sees me as fat, and I know I need to work on that, but I can't work on it until I can see that people say to me that I've lost weight, that I am skinny and they envy me for being skinny. I can't help it

I have tried talking to that voice, but it's always the same, i always get spoken over, not listened to, or she tells me I'm wrong. I'm always wrong

I know I use my ED to punish myself and to avoid dealing with my emotions and everything that's going on at the moment. Counsellor asked me what made me starve last time and I really wasn't sure. I think I just felt fat and horrid and felt that I needed to starve to feel better.

I'm starving again today.. But I don't feel well and I want to eat something to make me feel better, but I just feel like I'll just be sick. There's been a bug going around here and it seems that being the one who runs the breakfast club, with all the people breathing and coughing around me, I have caught it. I really don't feel well and today I feel like I've been starving for about a week. Yet I haven't.

Ugh. I don't feel so good. All these people drinking coffee and hot chocolate around me and I swear I'm gonna throw up. I can't actually sit here and just smell it. YUCK!

Thanks for sitting with me. I'm really feeling crap today..

can you drink some flat lemonade? that helps wiht nausea.... feel better soon ok my friend

I can't drink anything other than water right now I can barely even stomach that. I'm trying though, honest I am.

My stomach just hurts so much and I keep getting waves of it and having to run off. I've already been sick once. It could be my new meds, but I took them at night to stop this happening, so I don't know.. Hmmmm.

Anyways, if I don't manage to eat this weekend - if Connor's "surprise" isn't a meal!! - then I'm promising that I'll go get blood tests next week.. As much as I really detest them, I know it needs to be done.. I know that Counsellor will ask me to get them done, or she'll go with me even if it means she has to drag me in by my hair, she'll make me go.

So... I guess I may as well make that promise now..

I feel so crappy today. I keep feeling weak stomached but then feeling really sick and like I've been doing hundreds of sit ups, which I haven't and I feel freezing even though it's sunny and apparently hot outside! I keep shivering!

sounds like you have a fever - is there a nurse there? can you go see a dr? if theres a bug around you should take care

I'm seeing my dr today and straight after, I'm seeing the nurse for my jab. I'll talk to the nurse about it before she gives me the jab. I suspect she'll want to take bloods then I guess... If I feel I trust her enough, because it's not the nurse that I get on really well with that I'm seeing, it's the one I'm "ok" with, I'll tell her about my lack of eating. If not, I'll wait until next week.

I know something needs to be said/done about it and I am trying to get up the courage to talk to my dr/nurse about it, but I just bottle out when I get there. I think, when I had the 1st and 2nd jabs before, they asked if I'd had any illnesses recently, so... Maybe they'll ask me this time and take my temperature and such. I dunno.

I guess I'll see. I'll be posting here after I've been to the appointment to let you know how it goes. I'm so, so tired

go and get some rest and I will check in tomorrow and see how you went - take care and I will be thinking of you ok

Thank you P7. My appointment's in approx. 3 and a half hours. Bleh. I'll let you know how it goes and I'll try and get some rest!

Might want to take a look on your page I left you a present

awwww thankyou

It is possible that they would not try to force you...

But starving yourself can be life-threatening; I suppose you know that already.

Have you ever gotten in contact with BEAT? "beat is the working name of the Eating Disorders Association".

Their URL is

http://www.b-eat.co.uk/Home

I had some information about a therapist named John Hevesi in London quite a few decades ago, but I am afraid that was too long ago for you. I think he possibly had some association with the organization that became part of BEAT. He would not have forced you to eat, and I think he understood a lot about the origins of eating disorders, and would know why forcing is not a good idea. I don't know if BEAT still would be of any help in that regard, though.

P7: That's okay, you deserve it!

Pachyderm: I have looked at the BEAT website, and am in contact with an organisation called SWEDA (used to be called SEDA) and they've proved sop, so helpful.. I think I'm just struggling a hell of a lot because Connor doesn't understand and he won't try to understand. I get that it's hard for people who haven't been through it, to understand it.. But he could at least try and be a bit more compassionate.

I know it can make people angry when I don't eat, or when I refuse to eat around them, and I can understand that.. But it's not just about the food. It's not as simple as "just eat and everything's fine".

I think I got incontact with BEAT ages ago, but not since it got like this.. Maybe I ought to..

thanks for you replies x

You are exactly correct, in my opinion. I think some ED therapists understand this, and some do not.

I feel the same way, Pachyderm.

I went to the drs and I kept my promise to my friends and was honest. The dr asked if there was anything else I wanted to talk about and I said.. "Well I promised my friends that I'd tell you, that I'd be honest, so I'm keeping to that promise" and I told her everything to do with the eating, about not eating for 4 days last week, not eating today and she said that she wanted me to have blood tests done

Soooo I had my cervical cancer jab (HPV) and just before that had 6 little tubes of my blood taken. I almost fainted when she did it and she saw my head loll down a bit, asked if I was okay and then offered me some water, but I declined it... Even though I've only had a cup of tea and a few sips of water today I just.. I don't know. I hate eating or drinking in front of people that know about me not eating.

Soooo. I get the results next Tuesday or Wednesday, so will let you all know how good/bad they are. I just hope they don't have me going every week for them and i don't really want Connor to know the results if they're bad, but he has to know. They were testing my calcium, sugar, liver, kidneys, potassium and loads of other stuff. Blehhh. I feel so, so weak and achey now and just want to sleep, but I won't let myself. I have to keep going no matter what.

I'm glad I did it though because it's out of the way and I've kept my promise. So that's that done.

Just wish I hadn't had to have had 6 of the bloody things taken and have my HPV injection! Both arms will be throbbing tomorrow now, especially the one from the jab!

I had a bit of a cereal bar on my way home because I kept tripping over my feet, so thought I'd just give myself something to give me enough energy to get home. So yeah.. I had something. Everyone's saying "Be careful you could end up in hospital" but I disagree, but as I just said to a SWEDA supporter..
I laughed a bit and then when I spoke to her I almost cried because I remember saying so long ago that I wouldn't let it get this far. I told everyone, promised them that I wouldn't let this happen and now look.

So yeah.. Having a tough time of it now and I bet Connor's going to say something about me having to have blood taken

You might take a look at this book, if you don't know it already: The Golden Cage, by Hilde Bruch. I read it a long time ago and it made a lot of sense to me. Maybe it would help others understand, and if you have not read it, maybe it would help support you too.

why cant you rest TPND, give yourself the love and attention you so richly deserve - I am glad you told the dr and got the blood test - please try and be kinder to you ok

Thanks for the hugs, Sannah.

Pachyderm: I think I'll give the book a read, sounds inspiring!

P7: I went home last night, but on my way there went to see a friend to see how she was and sat chatting for a bit. She said I looked exhausted and I just said I was fine and snuggled up on her sofa. It was nice to have her running around for me a bit. She got me a drink, offered food, sat and hugged me for a bit and just generally cheered me up quite a bit and took care of me

I went to bed quite early, after sitting yawning for ages and surprisingly fell asleep quite quickly. When i woke up this morning, my arm ached and was twitching (it's been doing that all morning) and I didn't feel so weak from the blood tests. I've had a headache all morning though, but that'll go soon.. I hope.

I spoke to Connor last night and he got incredibly angry and said some pretty harsh stuf to me, calling me a liar and such. I tried hard not to get angry, but being called a liar is one thing I just cannot deal with. After being called a liar all my life as it is, and not actually being one, I'm sick of hearing it. So he got angry, but then after a while calmed down and said that we're going to Torquay tomorrow. I've always wanted to go there, which he knows, so he sprung it on me as a surprise, something to cheer me up, so I can't wait!

He was on about going for a meal though I don't want to... But.. I guess we'll see, won't we? As for rest, I'll be going back to my flat in a bit to sleep some more to get rid of this headache.