It's Hitting Me Too Hard

Having animals around for you is good for you. Going on a crusade to save all animals at this point in your life will take your energy away from you getting better.

I know, I know.

I've had an exhausting day and I know for a fact that I've overworked myself far too much again. A friend called me from Manchester to say that she was homeless. She got here yesterday at 7pm and stayed with me in my flat for the night. She's staying as long as she needs alongisde her boyfriend and I'm helping them to get housing. It's been an exhausting day and lots of people have been nasty both to me and her boyfriend and I'm sick of it. I just felt like crying everytime I stopped.

So, I pushed on all day running from place to place not stopping between 8am-6pm. I've only just stopped and I know I should've given myself this break long ago, but I just... Something inside me says I need to help these people and i feel good for doing it already. I just know I'm letting it all build up too much. They're really grateful for my help and stuff and keep thanking me, which is nice. I've not had people appreciating me in a while (IRL!!!)

I can just feel my shoulders are tense, I have a headache, sore legs and keep coughing. I just want to stop walking everywhere and lie in bed for one day, or just sit around all day tomorrow, but no... I can't let myself because I'm doing breakfast club at 10-11am and meeting Connor at midday, then I've got to get some alcohol for the chilling out evening (YAY!!!) and some nibbles, then I've got to go and get Rick and Cheryl (friend and boyfriend) from the train station and get the settled in again and possibly go to the jobcentre with them or something. GAAAAHHHHH!

I'm tired... Anywhere safe that I can sleep??

Cheryl reminded me, when I started to shake and get anxious and upset and angry, to take my medication.. I forgot.. But I took it and I still don't feel hugely better, but I guess I just need sleep. But then.. I'm worrying too much to get any sleep...

I actually feel like dying because today's been so hard and it's taken its toll on me and just made me tired and upset because of the people being nasty. One of them being my old key support worker

Hi TPND, I have to run so I'd better make this brief.
You're clearly doing good things there, but I'd like to see you keep learning to pace yourself and take care of yourself. I think you'll find you can get just as much done, probably even more in the long run -- and it won't be nearly so hard on you.

How would I get just as much done if I didn't rush around doing it? I was pacing myself, I let myself sit down for a bit but that was helping my friends to fill out forms and figure out what they should do, then take them to places they need to go and call people, speak to people and other stuff. I know I should let myself have a break once in a while, but something deep down said I had to do it. If not for them, for myself.

I don't care if it's hard on me at the time, until I sit down and feel it all punch me in the gut. I'm even more ill now and Connor has food poisoning from salmon yesterday, which I also ate but didn't eat much so I'm not nearly as bad as him but still shouldn't be putting so much pressure on myself and so much strain on my body and stuff, but... I just... I don't know I just feel like dying.

Once upon a time, the hare challenged the tortoise to a race... you probably already know the rest of that story.

I was also thinking that pacing yourself helps to extend the time before you crash.

Good, good!
That is a very good reason to do it. Keep watching, though, to make sure you're still doing it for yourself, not to yourself...

...like this:I don't know if you've flown much (I haven't in years, myself) but I think almost everyone's heard of this anyway: when they do the safety talk, they tell you that if the cabin pressure fails and the oxygen masks drop down from the ceiling, you need to put your own mask on first before you start helping anyone else with theirs. There's a good reason for that, and you've probably already figured out what it is -- for everyone else. You seem to be having a bit of difficulty applying that principle to yourself, though.
You're doing fine, hun. Now do make time to rest for a bit and take care of yourself.

Yesd, I know the rest of that story. I suppose that statement makes sense about extending the time before I crash and stuff. I'll think on that one..

I've flown about twice I think, so yeah I get what you mean. I know I have difficulty applying that principle to myself. I guess it's because I don't feel deserving of it or something. Mehh. Idk..?

Been cooking all day with Connor today had lots of fun doing that and now have a sausage casserole slow cooking and a vegetable crumble ready to go in the oven not to mention 2 pizzas, chips and a mammoth fruit salad all ready to be gobbled up by the people coming over tonight. I decided it's my joint Birthday and housewarming party. Good idea, eh? Still have to figure stuff out with C and R though so still got that buzzing about my head so still stressing about that. Grrrr. Abi's being an arse still so I = not a happy bunny!!! She was rather rude to me this morning. Hmph. She'll get her comeuppance when I feel it's due

I received a Birthday card this morning from The Adoptive Family and that got me going a bit, could feel deep down the bad feelings rising up and just bubbling away inside me. I don't know what it was really. i guess Ifeel really guilty and nasty and such a ***** for not being with Bryony for such a special, big, important Birthday you know? The big 18. Sigh. Sucks. And I hate not being with her because I feel like I'm
the one that's doing wrong by not being with her.. I'm going to send her a card, though. Whether she sends me one or not, I'll send her one and I'll text her on the day. I guess that's all a twin in this situation can do, right? I'm just. Stuck with feeling guilty

TPND, learning how to take care of your needs instead of the needs of others is a big thing to learn. Recognizing when you need to do this is the first step.

Please don't feel guilty when your adoptive family appears to do something nice once in a while. This cannot erase all the harm that they have done to you.

I won't be able to be here for a few weeks starting Wednesday. We will be on vacation.........

I did feel guilty, but I don't now. I had a good night on Saturday with friends and Connor, but Connor did something to make me feel unimportant and spoke to my friend saying to her to tell me something that he could've told me himself because I was sat RIGHT THERE!!!!! So I kicked off and told him how it made me feel --- unimportant, not cared about, unloved, hated, not wanted, hurt and angry. He went out for a bit with a couple of guys that were there. I sat feeling upset and hurt. Then that brought back the feelings from the time that Bryony and Shana acted like I didn't exist when I was sat behind them in the car about 2 years ago and they were b-tching about me whilst I was sat there. That made me cry when Connor and I got into bed, so I started to feel like Bryony didn't care that she wasn't with me for our Birthday, like she wanted to rub it in that it's all my fault and that she hates me for it and stuff. So yeah. I felt awful then.

Sunday was okay, Monday was difficult because Connor cooked me a meal. I only ate half of what was on the plate. Connor thought what he'd put on the plate was too little and that I hadn't eaten enough of it, but it looked like double what any normal person would eat... It wasn't... He made chicken breast wrapped in bacon with a garlic butter sauce inside and a lemon, onion and creme freche sauce to put on it, with new potatoes, carrots and green beans. I tried, I really did, but I just couldn't eat all of it I knew he felt like I wasn't trying because of the way that hetried to get me to eat more, but I just couldn't do it. I explained that if I did, I would most probably be sick and that'd offend him more than me leaving it and saying that it was a great meal and I loved it, but I couldn't finish it.

R has now gone back to Manchester, so it's just C staying with me. I've been drinking 4 days out of 7 :-/ Connor only knows of 2. He'd go mad if he knew how much I'd been drinking, the fact that I've been drinking so much that I've been drunk and gone to bed, waking up with no hangover. Which of course makes me do it even more, because I'm lucky and don't suffer with hangovers. So... I'm kinda stuck at the moment with that too, especially since I've just turned 18.

My shoulders for the past 3 or four days have been tense, aching, stinging and just generally stiff and painful. I know, putting too much pressure on myself again but I'm trying to relieve that pressure a little, just finding it a bit hard..

Hi TPND, more later probably, but right now...I just wanted to acknowledge that I'm feeling a bit uneasy about that part. 1/2( )

On the one hand, I used to drink too when I was around your age, and it never seemed to do me much harm. Later, a pdoc whom I worked for warned me that I had an "addictive personality" but despite that, I never actually got addicted. Later I found I preferred about one beer a night, and still later I stopped almost completely because I seemed to feel a little better the next morning without it than with. I currently average about one beer a year and even so, I'm about two years behind my quota.

On the other hand, several years ago a friend of mine was severely addicted to alcohol. During the time I knew her she went through detox at least three times and was still having a hard time putting her life back together after quitting. She'd been sober for six months when she died. I'd hate like hell to see anyone else go that route.

So -- this may be getting a bit old but -- I hope you'll take good care of yourself.

-- FooZe
-------------------------
Mother Hen (Hon.)

Hi TPND just dropping in a few

Thanks FooZe.

I know it' reeeeeally not a good idea, but... But.. But!!!!!!!!! But nothing, I have no excuses other than it's my escape at the moment whilst Connor continues to try forcing me to eat something. I know it's only because he cares, but when I spoke to counsellor today (that's a whole other story I'll tell you in a min), she said that he seems to want to control everything he can about me and she wants me to talk to him about that and sort it out, if anything she'll talk to him about it and help us work through the reasons why he's like that, or just help me find ways to stop him having that control. I guess it's because I feel insecure and not able to make my own decisions... But him taking that control is making me even more insecure, therefor holding me back from actually getting anywhere with recovery and my whole life!!! What's the deal with that????

Today, I had an hour and a half long bus journey to see Counsellor because the Glastonbury Festival is on and there were major queues. She left at 8.20am, I left at 7.45am because that's when my bus left. She couldn't make it, so I waited for her from our 9.15 start time until 10.30. She rang into SWEDA and said she'd turned back because she'd been at a standstill for an hour and 15 mins and she asked to talk to me. We had a good 20 minute conversation and it really helped, surprisingly for me. I felt that I'd been more truthful this time and more open and such, instead of holding back and kicking myself for doing so later on. She asked me to be honest if there was anything else I had to tell her, so I was honest and I feel better for it. She said she's got a lot to work on with me in our next session, which I feel quite nervous about, but then again I'm looking forward to it because I know we're definately going to get somewhere.

The Adoptive Mother sent me a text asking to meet her on Friday morning, 10am at the coffee shop near my flat. I had to say no. I made up a story about recording and doing Comic Relief stuff so I couldn't make it and all she said was "glad to hear you're doing so well. Let me know when you're free". Me, being the fool I am offered to send her a copy of the CD/ DUUUUUHHHHHHH!!! *headdesk!!* That, as you clever people all know... Was so that I could try yet again to impress her. The one person that nobody can impress. GRRRRR. Why am I such a dumbass?

I guess I'm just getting fed up now. Nick (key support worker here) complained about me not being at Breakfast club ON MY BIRTHDAY, then Tuesday and Today as well. He said to everyone "Oh sorry guys.. I thought Kirsten would actually be here this morning." F--K OFF!!!!!! I'd told them I wouldn't be there, they all know it was my Birthday, plus they have it ON THE SYSTEM!!!!!! No wishes of a Happy Birthday from them. Hmph. THEN last night, a certain someone that had been treating me like s--t in here before, (I think you all know who that is, but I'll PM you a reminder if you need!) decided that when she "bumped" into me in the toilets of the supermarket, she'd stamp on my foot and when I yelled "Ouch C!!! That f--king hurt!!!" She just said "Oh well f--king get over it. Wimp." Ugh. I felt like punching her. I swear, I was so close. I was on the edge before that and she just tipped me over ever so slightly. Ignorant little *****. GRRR.

So yeah, not had a brilliant week really! Yay. It's been 5 days out of 7 now. Heh.

Time heals all sorts of wounds... physical and mental You just need to open up and face your challenges... one iny tiny bit at a time... and it will get better. Wish I was there to give you a hug

Thank you, karoliinareddish.

I woke up this morning and felt a little dazed due to my new medication, but I felt that I'd slept enough and was well rested, so I guess that's one good thing at least...

I'm still feeling almost as bad as I did 3 days ago, but feeling a little better. Connor was worried about me last night, he saw my screen name on msn and asked why I was so angry. I said it didn't matter but he pushed on it and I ended up ranting to him. He was worried because I said I didn't trust myself at home, whether C was there or not. I just didn't trust myself. In the end I just kept pinching myself to stop myself from doing something much worse.

Connor's coming over today to make sure that I' okay and spend a bit of time with me, cheer me up or something. Just anything to make me feel better. I'm afraid that I'll get stressed out at him and snap or something. I don't know. I'm just a bit scared about being around people when I'm such a mess as this

TPND - maybe just try to enjoy conners visit and spend time with someone you love and who loves you.

Enjoy your day

P7

I spent a few hours with Connor on Saturday and he cheered me up a little, made my day a little more bearable. Didn't feel so great yesterday, so did lots of cleaning then stayed in bed for the rest of the day. I just feel exhausted and like there's no point anymore. Was almost admitted on Saturday night because I was so out of control and couldn't trust myself, wouldn't let anyone come near me, touch me, talk to me or anything. I keep shaking, sweating, panicking, hyperventilating.. But still I take no notice of my body screaming at me to just stop everything, drop everything and roll (quite literally) into a deep slumber of rest. Just for one day relax and just watch DVDs, or talk to people, be around people, go shopping, do my hair and makeup really nice and just feel good about the day for once, look forward to it instead of groaning and thinking it's just another day to get through.. I have so many wishes that are so ******* simple to accomplish, like the hair and makeup and relaxing thing, but I just never manage to do it.. There's always something more important, more demanding than my body needing help..

Tonight has probably been the most difficult. I just cannot stand being in this body anymore, I cannot stand being this person anymore, this person that puts everybody else above her, that is so unimportant to everyone else, that feels like she's made NO impact on peoples' lives and like she's just a waste of time, energy and space wherever she goes. I wish I could just be normal. I wish I could sleep properly, I wish I could eat normally, talk normally, smile normally, just be normal for once. You know, I used to be the oddball as a kid, the shy, quiet, fostered one, then it was that I was the shy, quiet adopted one that wasn;t wanted by her Mum,that her Mum hated, then I was the reject of the Adoptive Family, then the reject of the YMCA. Now... A reject to myself because I feel I have to carry on that trend. And you know what? I'm sick to DEATH of being a reject. It's not funny anymore, I used ot not be able to understand it, was naive. I'm not that stupid, f-cked up naive little kid anymore. I'm an 18 year old. An adult. I should be treated like a person, but I never am..

Maybe it's my fault that I'm not treated like a normal person, but I try.

I keep wishing you'd treat yourself like a normal person, hun!

Life leaves its marks on us - these marks are hard to wipe off - they take a long time and hard work and its soul searing - the pain seems unbearable and there seems no end in sight - and hope hides out ....

*** BUT **** and there always is one..... there are better days - there are people who can love us for who we are - there are people who see us for who we really are - even when we cannot

We see you for the bright and caring person you are - we see your shining spirit and your open heart and we care.

FooZe; I guess I feel like I AM treating myself like a normal person... Maybe not...? I'm a little confused.

P7; Thank you. I'm glad people here seeme for who I really am, although... Still not sure that this is a good thing Of course being seen for the bright and caring person I am is a good thing, just not the other angry and depressed side of me..

Today was the first day of yet another starve. No matter how painful it was, I did sit ups and wouldn't stop until I'd done my full 150... I plan to do more tonight. Connor and I have set a plan that every weekend he will come over to stay with me and we will do an hour of exercise for every day that he is there. I can't wait! But I have to set myself up for competition.. I feel I have to be able to do more situps, pressups, crunches etc, than him. I'm so competitive and if I don't win, I fail basically..

I don't know.. He doesn't know that I'm starving again, but my friend has asked that I promise her that tomorrow I tell ED counsellor about how much I'm struggling and that I've started my starve again. I've lost 8lbs in the past 2 weeks... A friend of mine who is anorexic said that she's worried about me and she knows that counsellor - if she's a good one -- which she is --- will be concerned. Brilliant. Just effing brilliant. I don't want her to notice, but since she hasn't seen me for 2 weeks and I've lost 8lbs in that time... Surely she will.. Right?

Just want to hide away, feel like I can't face the world, especially not her. I forced myself to exercise today, it really hurt, I keep walking too fast for my legs to keep up and not hurt, I keep pushing myself too much, cleaning my flat, getting outside and doing lots of walking, doing sit ups, crunches, weights, whatever I can to just get thin... Have control.. Have something to do.

If Connor knew, he'd go nuts

we see the dereseed side too - its all a part of the person we like - we are sad - I am sad - when you are depressed cos I know whats its like - but its all part of you and its good to get those feelings into the light..

are you treating youself like normal? like your normal yes... is it healthy and worthy of the person you are - the kind caring person you are - no you deserve more - Im sure Conner would say that too and your ed counciller .

I hope soon you will start taking care of you ok

My turn to be confused. What I meant was that when you starve yourself, for instance, that sounds to me like you're being pretty harsh to yourself, if not downright mean. It doesn't, to you?

We figure you're working your way through the anger, depression and whatever else, and we want to support you any way we can. It would be a lot harder for us to support you if you weren't willing to let us see that side of you and/or tell us about it.

By "good thing" or not, it sounds like you really mean you're not especially comfortable letting us see some sides of you. That's hardly surprising, even though I'd like to think you're among friends. I quite admire your courage in sharing with us as much as you have, btw.

Come to think of it, competing sounds like it could be a pretty good way to channel anger. How are you doing at telling the difference between playing hard and doing your best, versus competing so hard that you hurt yourself?

I feel like I deserve less than what I am giving myself, I know that everyone here and Connor and my counsellor disagree. I know it's becausethey care and they can see that I wasn't wrong, but I can't see that.. I'm trying my best to, but it just seems like I'm lying to myself and trying to prove them wrong, which I wasn't allowed to do then and still feel I'm not allowed to do.

No, it doesn't seem harsh or mean at all. I mean... If it was me staring someone else, then that'd be the most horrific thing I ever saw/did. I feel like I have to carry on the punishments that The Adoptive Family gave me, so I starve and exercise til I'm crying in pain, as a way to stop me having physical, visible scars that people hate and question me about, but still cause me pain, if that makes sense.. Just pain that others can't see but I can.

I do know that I am among friends, I guess I'm just scared that by showing the depressed side of me, you'll all get fed up, like everyone else did and run away. Thank you, FooZe. I don't feel very courageous. Part of me says that it's nothing, what I've told you... But when I think over it fully, I realise that I've found it very hard saying some of the things that I have. Especially considering I don't trust very easily. This is the only place I really feel safe.

I know that I'm competing so hard that I hurt myself. I can't seem to help it. I know that by next week, the amount of sit ups I do will have doubled, no matter how painful it is. I want to be able to just play hard and do my best, but everytime I do that, it just turns into competing to hurt myself.

soooo you realise this is not a good way to be - you are carrying on what your adoptive parents did to you - they were wrong you know...

aand as for the scars not being seen - if you lose enough weight no matter what you wear people will see -

pushing your body to perform is ok if you give it the fuel it needs to survive and perform.....

if you were reading these posts and they were from me - what would you say to me....

can you post a reply as if I were you and you were replying to me.... even if you dont post it - can you try to write it out and see what it would look like....... you can even PM it to me if you want to - or just write and delete ......

I see you and I like you -

we are all like snowflakes - all differnt and beautiful in our own way - perfect in our imperfections - how sad it would be if we were all the same .. better that we are all the colours of the rainbow and all the sizes and shapes of of every amazing thing in the universe.

So that they will finally approve of you?

What do you think would happen if you didn't? I don't mean, if you didn't punish yourself one way you'd "have to" switch to another way. I mean, what would happen if you didn't punish yourself at all? I imagine one way to find out might be to wait for a bit before punishing yourself, and see what starts to come up for you in the meantime. And no, you don't have to give yourself extra for waiting; you can tell them I said so, if you want.

"Who, me? Courageous?" she says. Pardon me for laughing, but of course -- you're the one who's right there in the thick of it, so of course you wouldbe among the last to notice. Guess that's part of what we're here for.

Yes. Like that!

Thank you kindly. Sounds like we must be doing something right.

I have to run now, TPND, but thanks for being here and... TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, @#$%^&!!!



FooZe

I don't want people to see how much weight I'm losing. The only person that I want to see, is me. I even siad to a couple of friends that I would probably avoid people as much as possible because I don't want them to see me losing weight. I know that Connor's coming over tomorrow and he'll try to make me eat. But.. I can't

Of course... I'd be objective, I'd beg them not to do it to themselves. I've been in that situation before. It was difficult, but eventually she came round and relised she was ruining her life. But how could my life possibly be ruined anymore anyway? I'll try writing as if it's me answering to a friend, but don't know how well I'll do or when I'll do it. I'm so tired, I even opened my door this morning then wallked into it because my head just fell forward because I was so tired. I have to clean my whole flat today, I just feel so tired and like I can't do anything anymore, like I just want to sleep all day. Stupid bloody kids buzzing up to my flat at 3am!!!! I had actually just drifted off to sleep when I woke up panicking because I thought it was the morning and I'd missed doing breakfast club or something. Panicking about that a lot lately. It sucks

I don't know what would happen if I didn't punish myself. I would feel guilty for one, I think. I would feel like the were going to come and beat me to death if I didn't punish myself. I would feel a gap for certain, maybe - hopefully - a good gap. But it'd be strange.

You're doing everything right! And yes, I feel I have to carry on the punishments so that they will finally approve of me. You know... I've just decided that when I see them, I want to tell them how much they hurt me. I want to question them about why they did what they did, I want to tell them that I carried on the punishments because I thought that I was wrong and it was what I deserved. I want them to know how much of an influence they had on me, but how I am working through it.

Yesterday, my counselling session was fantastic. The first time counsellor had ever seen me looking so upset, hurt, serious and whispering so much. I told her at the end of the session that I would've kicked myself had I not said what I did in the session. I told her everything. About how my ribs were really broken and the fact that she's the first person of importance (professional) that knows about it and even Connor doesn't know, I told her how they hit me and gave me time limits on doing my jobs, how they laughed at me, mocked me, called me chubs when - looking back at videos and photos - I was a skinny little runt. Quite literally. I was the runt of the family. I told her as much as I possibly could in 50 minutes. She screwed up her face at one point, putting her head in her hands and said..

"How could a Mother treat any child like that??? Adopted or not, YOU were HER daughter!! Having kids of my own, I just don't understand how anyone could treat a child so badly. Did she not even investigate what you said about Thomas sexually abusing you? Did she not even think 'I adopted this child and took her on as my own to love her and guide her with living as a person of her own.' But no, it was all calculated and she not only wanted you to be who SHE tried to force you to be, she kicked you out for not being that person. WHY?!?!?!" It was extremely distressing, it was a very difficult session and I think that was the first time she'd ever seen me looking so serious, so upset.. So hurt. I said to her at the end of the session that I knew I'd have kicked myself if I hadn't said anything about it all in that session and she thanked me for sharing so much and she said she knew how difficult it was and could see it was difficult by the look on my face. She then said "It is NOT your fault. Never was, still isn't and never will be. They'll get their bout of guilt, don't you worry. And they won't be able to cope with it alone. They'll have to go through therapy because they're harbouring so much guilt. Not that that's much consolence, but I just want you to know that they will feel the guilt eating away at them. You're so brave for sticking through it and carrying on no matter how crap it was for you. You're a very strong person, Kirsten and I - along with many others - believe in you." I felt like crying. It was really, really hard and I do hope with all my heart that the guilt plagues them. I hope they feel so guilty that they are forced to turn to therapy. Because they took the piss out of me for going into therapy to help me deal with the emotions and stuff going on in my head, now it's my turn to laugh because I'm pushing through it when it's most difficult. They're just pushing it down, not wanting to acknowledge the guilt. Counsellor said that unless they were really, horribly hard and cold hearted people, they will feel guilty and have no choice but to go to therapy.

I just feel such a big weight lifted off my shoulders. I sighed after saying it and counsellor asked me how I felt. I said that I felt scared that they'd find out that I told The Secret, but that I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and relief, elation at finally saying it to someone, instead of just writing it down all the time. That was a brilliant session and I feel I can breathe more easily now. Although I am still terrified that they'll find out.

FooZe, I wil try to take care of myself and thank you everyone for sitting with me when I most need it