It's Hitting Me Too Hard

Beads, it's okay. It was easily missable! You're forgiven

Of course I understand. How crap would I be if I didn't? I'm still working on seeing what other people see in me... Getting there slowly!

I managed to report my adoptive family to the police. Now THAT was the scariest moment of my life. And probably the worst and most angry moment of my life. I'll write more detail when I'm not quite so tired. But yeah. It wasn't easy and it certainly didn't go how anyone expected. The police were complete s--ts after they figured that they knew me. They nearly had me spill everything, but once they started b-tching towards me, I clammed up and almost spat right back at them. I almost yelled at them where to go, but I kept my cool and just left the room leaving them with my childhood diaries.. Or what's left of them anyway

I cried for days. Still haven't heard anything. But had a dream that my Twin came crying to me that they have to go to court about this. So I'm hopeful, but I've also been having dreams about people trying to kill me and such, so that's just scary. I'm just hoping. It's all I can do now.

I just feel like I put myself through all the flashbacks, like they deliberately probed me to remember Exactly what Thomas did and tell them exactly what he did. I said it in a cocky tone to cover up my fear and upset over it. I hated them for doing it. This was after they realised they knew me. I say there and felt like punching them. I hated them and have vowed that no matter how bad something is that might happen to me, I will never EVER go to the police again. Never.

So that's it for now. I'm sorry. I'm cold and tired. Need rest.

How are you getting on Beads?

Sending hugs your way

(((((((((((((((((9TPND)))))))))))))))))))
hugs freidn, an sorry that stuff is so hard far yuo.
ummmmmmm as for beads well thigns cuodl defnitley be goiung gooder but they aitn and, well.....so what else is new not a F in thing.
sorry we ummmm not in goodf mood are place in her head rite now,.
hugs,
beadys

Aww beads, not so good that you're struggling. You know you can PM me anytime, right? I'm here to help if you need anything.

Sannah, thanks for the hugs..

I still haven't heard a single thing from the police, not even got a reference number, so I'm just left waiting, dreading it, panicking and worrying about the outcome. But I guess I just have to get on with life for now.

How are you doing now?

(((((((((((((((TPND))))))))))))
sorry ta hear thast they is make yuo wait such a logn time............that must be really frustrateign. are yuo good at diestractign yuor mind from the stuff yuo is worried about? like try adn do somethign yuo can put it in the BACK of yuor head an get it outta the front?
a;so thanx far askign but sorry to say that no, beads not doing no goodr today.
hugs,
mary sue & all

I'm just trying not to think about it for now to be honest Beads. Sorry to hear that you're not doing so good... What's going on for you?

You know, I'm not expecting anything from the police tbh, but I'm hoping that something will happen. I'm prepared for a bad outcome though. It is very, very frustrating not knowing anything, but as I said... I'm just trying to get on with things now...

...Not that this is happening so well... But hey ho, I'm trying at least. Got Connor around to help keep me grounded, especially after almost OD'ing again the other day and not having him around. He's very worried, concerned etc. But he knows that I'm trying my best to keep going.

((((((((((((TPND)))))))))))))
hugs hugs and more hugs for yuo!

ummmmmmmmm what is going rite in uor life.............not much!
evrythign seem to be going not rite adn now fia wont pay the electric bill shut-opff notice niether grrrrrrrrrrrrrr so we gotsa figure somethign uot their cuz if they turns it off then we will get kick oput of trailer park too adn we had this big fite with d yesterday adn we is just really down in the dumps in general. sorry iff en that is too much info.
anyway,
hugs adn tc
beads

No, Beads it's fine. I'm sorry to hear things are so crap for you at the moment I wish I could make it easier for you, but all I can say is that I know exactly how you feel with that!

Things are getting better... But other things are getting worse. Like ED stuff. I've not eaten a thing today and didn't eat all that much yesterday, good 900 odd calories though which really upset me but today, it's been a hot chocolate, glass of squash, cup of tea and a cup of coffee. Nothing else. I did ask Connor for some toast but later took it back and said not to worry about it. He went to get up to make it, but I blurted out "No, no. Please. Please, please, please don't go and get me any. I'm not hungry now. I'm fine" he got upset saying I'd said I was hungry not long ago, which was true... But after thinking about how fat it'd make me (eating 200 calories from 2 slices of toast), I just couldn't face eating it. Or anything else for that matter.

I still haven't heard from the police, am at Connor's and was glad when his Mum told him when he called her that there wouldn't be enough dinner for us, so have something before we come over. I bought Connor dinner and he sneakily got me to get a baguette and tried making me eat it, but I just pushed it away. I couldn't face it... So I'm sitting here, on an empty stomach after walking around some of the day, feeling glad that there wasn't enough for me. But another part just wishes someone would shove food down my throat, stop me doing this. I feel like I can't do it myself... I feel like I can't stop myself, like someone would have to stop me, for me if that makes sense...

I don't feel so good. I just feel tearful right now, worried about Connor...

I take it that doing it virtually wouldn't help much, or I'd be happy to. Open wide, here comes the airplane...

Lol thanks FooZe. You cheered up my morning.

Yes, it's started badly. I didn't eat a thing yesterday and Connor said he'd help me figure something out with my eating today... He didn't. He just made me feel guilty and have breakfast, tried forcing me to have the milk left over from the cereal, which I just could not do and (feeling stupid and being told I was being petty) I was almost close to tears.. He left the room in a strop so I ran to the kitchen and poured the milk down the sink. Then I went and told him that I had drank the milk finally. He thanked me and didn't say much else.

It took me a while to decide what to do because I sat there listening to her voice, listening to his and I felt stuck. Then when he left the room, I only had her voice to listen to, so I listened to it and did what she said to do... I hate lying to Connor, but then a part of me feels proud for having been able to do that. Gaaahhh! I don't know I'm worried.

Why are you worried about Connor? Interesting how you somewhat want someone else to take control and make you eat where previously you would fight vigorously to maintain control????

It's not that I want someone to take control, it just feels like I can't make myself eat anymore, like I don't even want to try making myself eat anymore, it just seems pointless when all that comes out of it is me feeling guilty. I know I'm probably making no sense and seeming like I'm contradicting myself, but what I meant was that it's like if I did want to eat, if I did want to just ditch her, then It'd take someone forcing me to, or if I wanted to eat, needed to eat but couldn't because I didn't want to put on weight or feel guilty, I'd have to have someone shove it down my throat before it'd go anywhere but on the floor or in the bin.

I'm worried about Connor because I know how much it affects him, but I just can't stop. Not yet. I don't feel able to now. I feel like I have to get to my target and I cannot stop until I get there. Every time that I'm faced with food, I hate it. I just don't know which way to go... The only reason I do eat is to make Connor happy, to make him think that everything's ok, to make him think that he has an element of control. To just make things better for him, easier to deal with. I dunno. If I was left alone for two weeks, I wouldn't eat a thing, I know I wouldn't.

I feel so frustrated by him being there sometimes because it's like I'm a kid who can't be left alone. I do love the time I spend with Connor, I really do enjoy it but it's just frustrating when I feel like I have to give in to him all the time just to stop him being angry with me or upset or something.

I just wish everything was different. I wish my past had never happened, but then I'm glad it has... It's so confusing. Idk. I just.. I'm not happy.

I understand.......... Where are you at with therapy now?

Haven't seen my counsellor in almost 2 months now.. I was too ill to go last time and just haven't had a chance to arrange it really. I'm going to arrange an appointment this week to see her the week after next. I know I need to see her before Christmas, but I need to continue saving for Germany and Christmas and everything else.

I'm just.. Ugh. Incredibly stressed out right now. Connor just looked over at me, asked if I was ok and I said yeah and he asked if I was sure, so I gave a cheesy grin and said 'yeah, I'm fine'. I'm not though. But this isn't the time or place to talk about it with him. He's in the middle of playing a game, with his Brothers, while I sit here helping others like I normally do to distract myself...

Therapy is really important to recover from an eating disorder PTND. You need to process those issues which are causing you to need the ED to cope..........

ditto THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
marsidotz
getnle hugs coemign ur way

Sannah and beads, you're right and I know you're right. I just need to fight against that bad side of me that wants to carry on losing weight. Connor has said I'm as thin as I was when I was 14, when he met me. I've always wanted to be that thin again, but I, in myself don't feel it so want to get smaller.

But I need to fight that urge and take on what all these people who care about me and love me are telling me. I just find it incredibly difficult when the bad side is so overpowering. I need the help of these people to help me get through that. Past that.

It would be easier with therapy.............

I know, that's why I'm going to see my counsellor as soon as I can because I have a lot to talk about. I just keep getting run down and ill again and again. I've lost 6lbs this week because of stress, illness, feeling run down and generally just not being physically or mentally healthy.

I'm tired, lethargic, mentally exhausted, hot and cold flushes, weak, aching and just feel fed up. Last night I lost all concentration and sanity and cut myself on my door by accident because I almost collapsed and I caused Connor to want to kill himself, which meant I smashed my head on the cabinet in an effort to get everything harmful out of his way... I was sensible and asked a friend to call me, even though what I was saying was barely audible. She helped a hell of a lot and eventually I stopped crying. That's the first time in years that I've cried to anyone other than Connor.

We've sorted it out now and are just taking each day as it comes and I'm planning ahead ways to sort this out for us.

((((((((((TPND)))))))))))
beads

Thank you beads, you're so wonderful!

I'm eally struggling right now and ED is all over the place. Starving and purging is a daily occurance now, my counsellor's gonna be mad

I wish I could say more, but I don't know what to say right now tbh, apart from I just don't feel like it's worth being here anymore.

more hugs kirsten............
yuor not alone in feel like cant see the worth of being here,beads feel that way alot of the time to. but were still here. dunno what insane reeson keep us puttign one foot in front of the other day but we do adn yuo can too.
mabe cuz we aint giver-uppers dunno.mabe we have this crazy idea that their is a glimmer of hope to be found someday that will actualy be far real.
either way........please do not give up!
all our best,
beads

TPND, BlueMoon6 has a thread on the Psychotherapy Forum titled "Feeling Shame". She says some really helpful stuff about ED there, the best stuff I have ever read......

Thanks Beads and Sannah.

I'll check out the thread sometime

Beads:

It's sad to think that other people feel the same way I do and so many people do! It's such a horrible way to feel and I wish none of us had to feel it because none of us deserve to.

I'm getting better day by day, getting there slowly, although I have lost enough weight to fit into jeans that I haven't been able to fit into in years. :/

Connor's worried, I'm fed up and tired and can't even write let alone do my normal day to day tasks, although I just force myself to. I'm trying and I'm slowly getting there.

Today has been not so bad because I had an interview and impressed the employer, so will know by Tuesday whether I have a job. BUT all I've been able to think about is the abuse Thomas gave me and it's just replaying over and over in my head. It's so, so scary

But I am getting somewhere slowly. Not sure where yet though..

Thanks everyone

TPND, I forgot who Thomas was???? I am glad that you are making some progress Keep us posted about the job?