trigger maybe... Question if it really helps

I agree Rose- I am thinking right now and as I was telling my boyfriend- how is 12 sessions (now to 11 since we already had one) going to really help me, and how long is it going to be for me to be "stable" in their eyes? I know the therapist mentioned I looked pretty stable right now but still.... I will try my best with this

It sounds like you are indeed doing what you can to better yourself. This is a guess on my part, but you may be a type of client who, on a good day, can come across as being more stable than is really true deep down. It does you no good to have your issues minimized. So make the most of the 12 sessions and use the time to convey the depth and extent of the effect your psychological issues have on you. They aren't going to get solved in 12 sessions. At least get the seriousness appreciated. That might be the most you get accomplished in 12 sessions. And that is a lot. Scoring high on the mania assessment is significant. Same with the dissociation screen.

It sounds like you take a lot of responsibility for your part in working toward recovery. They already see that and have commended you for your mood tracking and journaling. That doesn't mean you don't need some serious help. Again, it is important that they don't underestimate that.

Regarding the suggestions made about your father: The only person who can tell your story is you. But, sometimes, the professionals will jump the gun and think that they have figured out more than they are in a position to know. I only say this because it has happened to me and made me feel frustrated. It is true that a person will very often not recognize certain things about their own history. That is probably true of everybody walking the earth. That doesn't mean you aren't a competent "historian" regarding the main facts of what happened. Some people are in serious denial about some things and need help with that. Maybe that applies to you . . . maybe not. Sometimes, we underestimate how we got impacted by this, or by that. So it's good to listen to how our story sounds to someone else. At the same time, I draw the line on anyone telling me a version of things that came more out of their head than out of what I lived through. And it does happen. Well, to me, at least, more than once. I think your boyfriend's response was reasonable. I don't think he was necessarily implying things about your father. He just said he he doesn't know, and that's what it boils down to - he doesn't know because he wasn't there. It's not that he is saying he doesn't believe you about your father. It sounds like, maybe, he doesn't want to influence what the story should be, but leave you to further explore that with the professional help you are getting. The truth is never simple. You have limited time to get your story across which, unfortunately, may mean you need to delve into it deeper and with more concrete examples than feels okay to be thinking about. You will have emotional support from the therapist while going through this. Just be sure and let the T know to what degree this is stressing you out. Let the pdoc know also.

Thanks Rose. yeah i got confused with what my boyfriend said but i understand it too. I haven't focused much on the dissociation though, i know i'm me but i do note space times in my head in many events (car driving, talking with ppl, by myself, at work. Etc). Also neglecting to tell full truth. It's like i forget stuff not trying to lie but i look back and part of me get's mad and is like i did lie cause how could i forget? I did asked about my love and hate and don't know till we get more into me :-P idk i think i may take some of the tests in and ask if they have their own to try to help with what to do with me. Idk today i've felt like why am i trying. I'm upset that i have tried myself so long and finally go in some where and it'll be so quick that i'm not sure if it'll help but my boyfriend says i'll get something out of it i'm feeling better about it right now but then again it's an up and down day today :@

Just because you are limited by your insurance on how many sessions you receive... don't let them push a dx upon you...esp if it's bipolar disorder. That one takes medications to stabilize and it takes a long time to do that, and any stressor can put you back to beginning, and worse of all, if you are dissociative it will only complicate the issue (medication will, that is.) So don't feel short on time to get that dx.

I would ask T what they believe about the dissociative disorders... and that might tell you whether you will get a valid dx or not? IDK
No matter what the label, you'll still be who you are dealing with what you are dealing with.

It's really not the job of a T to come up with a diagnosis, though it is natural for the T to be thinking about what diagnosis could fit you. Your T has been very responsible in sending you for screening tests that can be very useful in identifying what might potentially be a diagnosis. Legally, only the psychiatrist can write down that he/she is assigning a particular diagnosis to you. A clinical psychologist can also select a diagnosis for you. Some of them are very good at diagnosing. A psychologist has PhD after his/her name and is addressed as "Doctor so-and-so." A therapist usually has a master's degree in social work or in counseling. A master's degree, no matter what it is in, does not legally qualify a person to diagnose a client with a particular mental disorder. Let me take that back. A nurse practitioner can also write a diagnosis. An NP has a master's degree. Though a good experienced therapist may be an excellent judge of what the diagnosis should be. He/she can give feedback to the "Doctor," who is the one who fills in the blank after the word "Diagnosis." Lots of times, they choose a loose diagnosis, until they figure out something more focused. Sometimes they put the diagnosis down as tentative. This is the way I understand it, and I am only about 94% sure on this. I was required to learn this, but things could have changed since I was in school.

I know it sounds kind of backwards that the person who you would think knows you the best is not the person who arrives at the diagnosis. One thing I know for 100% sure is this: if you are getting medication, then the person who prescibes the medication is going by a diagnosis that he, or she, made . . . not one that somebody else came up with. Hopefully, they all work as a team and share their understanding of what is causing you serious emotional disturbance.

JD's point about not getting rushed into a diagnosis is well taken, as are the other points made in the post above. I don't know if what I explained above is of that much interest at this point to you. Sorry, if I went overboard. Often new clients are unsure of who is doing what. I think it is good to know. Once I objected to a diagnosis a pdoc was making, and she was willing to respect that and agreed to not put it down. So, a lot of things are negotiable. As JD says, ask what they believe about what you've already gone over and keep an eye on what conclusions they may be drawing. You can be part of the discussion on that.

Your boyfriend sounds like a very sensible person for you to be talking with about all of this. You don't want to drop this process, and then years down the line end up needing to start it all over again. As bf says, "You'll get something out of it." Something is not nothing. Hope this wasn't an overload of feedback.

Thank you JD and Rose

Yeah- I have been talking to my boyfriend a little more on this- He doesn't know much on Dissociation, so he is like you guys and says to mention it to the Therapist to get her input.
I tried to call for an appointment or set up with the Bipolar focus organization I want to go and get their input- but I know what I read it is a non-profit organization so I am sure they are flooded with calls for help these days. I will call again today (sometimes I worry i left the wrong number lol).
Sadly this is not insurance it is the county- my insurance has exclusions to this sort of help which is bs, but then again it is low benefit so I understand why. I wish I could afford someone I could see long term.

"No matter what the label, you'll still be who you are dealing with what you are dealing with." so true I've always tried to deal with me and keep my dad's advice of good positive mental attitude can go a long way

Rose- No over load- I am glad you have shared that- the more I getting to know things; I feel as if maybe a better chance to help me on some things.
The Therapist did mention that there was psychologist there and other people that I could talk to, perhaps I can ask to be evaluated by one of them as well to help with what needs to be done in long term.
I was going to ask the Bipolar organization to also share what they found with the short term therapist, I think the more she knows the better she can direct me.

The other day I made a sheet for me- From what I read on the different categories of Bipolar, schizophrenia/psychosis, boarder line personality, and Dissociation Identity and the "Idk where it goes".
And From what I read about the above labels, I placed my "issues" where I felt they belonged with a lot of them with Counter parts (i.e. of maybe of a why or if perhaps a trust issue, etc.)- I am going to take this in to the therapist as well and see if she will talk to me about it and get her in put. Like I don't think I am schizophrenic but I do see "signs" and I have been obsessed with how things are arranged in public areas are messages for just for me...Also with people messing with me, being out for me, stocking me and so on (again I put counter parts with these things, and they are not every day (usually) things). I know it sounds very silly but I can get really into it and believe in them sometimes too much and put too much on the line for them. But I think it would help her with also maybe on where to start with me.

The main thing is a I wanted to get this damn monkey off my back about my family. I believe it is the core of the above labeling if any apply to me- When I get depressed it always comes up in my head- I came from a very broken home, poor me, why don't my parents love me or my siblings, why couldn't they help us out in so many ways, why are some of my siblings so messed up that they did what they did, yada yada yada
which I make light of it now but it is very effecting to me when I am down- I can cry for days over it// I believe it helps with leading to issues of false beliefs with my relationship with my boyfriend and with some other aspects in life. but as was mentioned when I am more stable we can dig into that... I can be callus or make joke of, about this stuff as well- is that not being stable?
I think what you said previously Rose about a person appearing to be stable but isn't- There are times that I seem to be able to pull that off I was horrible in July but yet my bf and i went on vaca to see his grandma and uncle- I was so good at slapping on a smile on my face, being polite and pleasant, and not getting into arguments about some things even though I knew it may should had been due to I felt that i was being pushed. If was a pushed a little more i may have exploded (I am lucky though my boyfriend sees this all in me, we did talk a lot in the car alone about things and he apologized for some of the bad on his part which helped cool me down during the trip)... But I just felt worse after I came home though which then alone time with me can be interesting with emotions, and work can be a ball of *****ing about what others aren't doing and that I hate the job environment!

LOL I just realize, I put that I was sociable on the little scale that the therapist had me fill out for how i was that day- I put a 9 for that, that due to I still smiled and nodded my head to people outside.... but that is not being sociable is it.... I did not want to ask for directions when I was lost, I was in a rush, and if someone talked to me I probably would had ignored them (I probably did not look approachable either to talk to). This again- not trying to be untruthful but it appears I was, after thoughts. Maybe part of nervousness too.. I get this way sometimes of afraid people will look down on me, I don't want pity, I have always been the one to put on the strong persona and that "she'll be ok", to others. Guess I need to let that down a little bit, cause I am not always ok.

blah- thank you all though- I just need to remember keep trying I will try to be better, and talk more on the above I just mentioned about me.... The Therapist may understand?

While life may have put a major monkey on your back, you also are gifted with some fine traits that will serve you well. Good job on putting pen to paper to organize what you've figured out so far. I hope your therapist is as committed to thorough analysis as you are.

Every place is different, but being on a county plan, rather than private insurance, may not be all that bad of a thing. They don't tell you up front everything they have to offer. A county plan has to be careful to not attract excessive use of their resources. So they tend not to advertise what they do. As they get to know your situation, they might offer you more help than you are aware they can offer. That's why I stress not underplaying the seriousness of your problem. They need "evidence" to document that you need and deserve serious help. You help them get you qualified for the best they can do by discussing the things that are hard to get into. Also, they need to hear how those issues get in the way of you being able to function at your best.

You're doing a good job of holding up your end. It would be a shame for you not to get the help that enables you to have the best life you can. And it sounds like there is considerable room for improvement. However, fortunately, you have so much of what it takes to improve.

Thank you Rose For all that you said.

but the above quote I took- It seems like a curse at the same time Rose- I was told in my last session "do you even need therapy" and she pointed out that I am doing a lot of things already on my own, and that what we talk about I understand what coping methods she is suggesting due to I do them but they do not always work for some reason... As I said sitting there, and as I have told my boyfriend (which at times worries him) is that "I guess I just have to try harder"... she did not say anything to that. So guess that is what it is- but it is not like I dont try when I am depresses.. it at times can confuse me and make things worse though (I did not mention that guess I should had?) this was just my 2nd session so being fully open is still a little hard but I am talking to her.

She is over booked and overwhelmed as she told me so (lol?) I appreciate her honesty. She said she would be willing to continue with me or maybe I could back when I am in need... I told her as I have said either here or some where else- I wanted some coping methods before my next down.... She has suggested for me to go on medications the two times we have meet for therapy-- I dont like that, cuz i really wanted to try talk therapy first.

ANY WAYS! I made an appt to see their Pdoc I am excited in a way. I would like to hear what they have to say- Though I am scared too cuz what are they going to ask- or what not- I did not ask what type of evaluation they perform..... plus it is a dude (nothing against guys but not sure if I will be as opened or put on "Strong BeauFlow" lol.. any who...
I am disappointed in a way and feel pushed off by this therapist, but it is ok.

I do understand she is over worked and so on (county place)
And I should take it as a complement I guess that I don't appear as bad as others (though she wants to talk the next time about something that which I blurted out before I left: my rock thing with my boyfriend before we were together with signs and stuff-(did not tell of other things of the sort though)--but if she remembers to bring it up next time I will talk about it lol,
I Say if she remembers to bring it up due to she kept thinking I was already on meds but I am not (lol?) Also she said to keep up on my dairy cards at the end of my session which was rushed due to we went over time (sorry i chatter when i chatter at times)- which we never went over and I dont know what she is really talking about to be honest but I assume this is a diary- which I already started doing journal--- she seems stressed (lo?).

I think I may back off on help or see if there is another Therapist I can see that maybe a little less stressed and over booked. I already told her basically what day would be good for you to see me for my next appt... lol. it makes me laugh cuz like is it to be this way? my boyfriend says no- and it is perhaps just the county at this time with being over booked, and that if i went to private practice they would be different.

And as always No matter what I will always try, I just wanted some more coping skills that i was not already using=---- A part of me feels like she is mad cuz I am already knowledge with what she is suggesting and been trying my best to do them for years... I know these are Not the ONLY coping skills out there right that is was one reason i wanted to do therapy to get some more and work on them... any who..... sorry for the ramble but this is my update i guess- and it has nothing to do with the original question

I guess one thing that i keep getting told- as I already mentioned I need to be stable to get into family and past issues and to resolve them...
She did say this: They go hand and hand,. i need to work on the now issues to work on the past issues---
a part of me gets this--
another part of me does not due to is it not my past which has created these issues? why wouldnt going with that first solve some issues now?
I know a whirl wind could occur with that correct? i.e. if I am not stable and we get into some touchy subjects I could get worse with some aspects (like depression maybe or is it something else that I am missing of the whirl wind thing?) iDk

good day all I hope you all well and dont worry I will stay on psych central- It has helped a lot

Glad you've posted an update. I think you just ran into the biggest down side of being "on County." Therapy is in short supply. If you're not on meds, they kind of don't consider you as needing to be a client. It's a shame. And it doesn't seem like one should go on some medication just to get taken seriously. I am on a county plan, so I speak based on my experience. If you can pony up the fee for it to some private therapist, you'll just about never be told you couldn't use some more therapy. With county, the T may be on a set salary. So the T has no monetary incentive to take on more clients. It is totally unprofessional for that T to be telling you that she is stressed and overloaded. She may well be, but that is not for her to verbalize to you. Again, sorry to have to say it, but that's how "County" is. You wouldn't be going over to this place just to kill time, I am thinking. Whether it's worth it to you to go into upsetting memories, only you can decide. Your judgement seems to be sound and you kind of see how the system operates there. At least you know something about what is an option.

If you have dreams that reference childhood abuse that is an on-going source of emotional turmoil to you, it might be wise to tell that to the pdoc. It can be stated in a matter-of-fact way that does not need to be highly charged emotionally. (Easy for me to say, I know.) The T thinks you're stable enough to maybe not need therapy, but isn't sure you're stable enough to discuss family issues that distress you. To me, that doesn't make sense.

A county provider probably is going to focus on clients who seem like they might be headed for serious trouble soon without some intervention. The county doesn't have the resources to be a source of comforting to everyone who could use some talk therapy. Because that would be everyone in the county. The thing to ask yourself is, "Am I dealing with stuff that everyone deals with, or do I have a history of exposure to stress that is not what any reasonable person would consider just a normal part of growing up?" If it's the latter, the next question is, "How is that a problem to me in the here and now?" If the answer indicates that a real problem does exist, then that makes you eligible for help. You don't have the luxury of waiting to build up a close trusting relationship with just the right staff person before you communicate the worst of what is bothering you. They truly don't have time for that. It seems unfair to have to go through upsetting encounters, but that is pretty much what it takes to get yourself considered as needing to be there at all. Only you can decide if it is worthwhile to possibly be gotten all upset over revealing information that could just be kept to yourself. Some people have dealt with extremely disturbing issues by themselves and managed to have their lives go forward. With public agencies, a lot of the time it is a matter of how hard you push to get in. That can be a matter of how bad do you need to get in . . . how much pushing and revealing of private pain is worth doing. I think you'll make a sensible decision. You seem to have a lot of common sense and you have a person close to you who sounds like a good source of support. We, at PC, are always here to bounce things off of, as well.

Thank you Rose for all your input on this

I thought more over the weekend on what you mentioned about the therapist thinks I am stable enough for not being in therapy but not stable enough to get into past issues. then also coupled with the medications part of what you mentioned

I had this feeling the other day and it is even more so now, that if I am not meds then I must not be worth the helping, which then goes back to my original thing with meds of it is just a control option for society- I know that must sound out there to some, but I really don't see why not try to do talk therapy and practices prior to meds. That was my plan, and if over a span of time (not 2-4 weeks) I would consider medication.

I have debated with myself on canceling this appt with the therapist which is in about 2 weeks, session 3... But on the other hand I want to tell her part of what is on my mind of I would like help with something, but I guess not right now due to I dont want to cave into medications.

Part of me feels bashed on all of this- It took so much FOR ME to go in and I get told this, and another part of me is like **** it. sorry but a part does..Then There is a part of me that thinks- I was right to think in June to go get some weed- maybe I would be fine now right? Perhaps I just needed a little mental break and maybe I would not have went through depression in July and the hell of myself being pushed down by me in August and now September is here and I feel so much. But then again who knows maybe I would have felt worse.

I know weed is not an answer but at the same time if your going to put me on meds for the rest of my life why not go the option of a once in a while mental break?

If I did consider continuing therapy I dont think I could do it with this therapist mainly due to at times I have gotten mad at this whole situation and all, and mad at her for basically sluggishing me off with no real reason besides she is busy.
I Understand she is busy- All i wanted out of therapy was some more coping methods that maybe I was not aware of... and that is too much to ask cuz I dont want to pop pills-

Any ways- Rose; Thank you so much, you have put some light into this, I am sorry for babbling.

I wish I could fork out the money for some private therapy that would take some seriously.

When I started on this journey with even consider therapy I said to myself 1) I want to get help before I explode or implode on myself or others. 2) I did not want to lose my job due to some things.

I personally don't see how just give her a pill and it'll be ok really is ok to do...Talk Therapy would still be needed even with medication.......

I feel like a waste of time... or that I am seen that way. These last two weeks I have basically really dropped off on doing my mood tracking and journal (I am still doing it but not to the extent that I was or as detailed basically just w/e) cuz it's like why try.

My boyfriend told me that I should keep trying therapy and talk to the Psychologist and see what they say with the evaluation. I have a funny feeling- Medications.... I dont know.

I feel lost in a way but it will be ok

And As I mentioned before- Perhaps it is just a "Get over it" thing in the end with past issues. Though when I am depressed it is harder to "Just Get Over It" it comes back to things of now days of not trying my best cuz I am worthless, and why try due to I will fail and I am not worth it.

I know in the end everyone is worth something. But it is hard at times.

But thanks again, and unfortunately I cannot write down everything I want today-or really re-read what I put, but I hope I dont come across badly any where.

I'm sorry for sounding so harshly earlier. I'm just really against medicines especially after having two sessions. I don't like the idea in me not being me some days but ok with it other days. I make no sense i know but. . . I know not all would be able to understand my side of it. I finally agreed when starting this maybe meds if talk therapy didn't work for a bit and it seems like meds is all they offer which really upsets me. How does meds help with past issues? Help with this damn hole in me that sometimes rippes open unwanted. I just guess i don't get it

beauflow, you come across just fine. Your disillusionment is understandable (to me, at least.) I hope I haven't just reinforced it. Again, your boyfriend just doesn't put a foot wrong when it comes to sensible feedback. He might be the real voice of reason here. While I believe that the points I've made are valid, my view is probably tainted by my own disillusionment. That can be contagious, especially because you are perceptive. Nobody has actually handed you a paper with a prescription written on it . . . yet. I had a friend who decided she wanted further evaluation and talk therapy, but not medication, which she tried and found of no help. She continued to fill the prescription and, then, just didn't take the pills. She flushed them. But she went to her appointments to talk. She made some serious recovery from being housebound to being able to be out working and taking classes. I can't seem to condemn what she did. I would rather she could have just been honest. But I won't second-guess her. She believed she would have been discharged from getting any help, had she done things the straight forward way.

When I was 19 years old, I went to a psychiatric clinic run by a prestigious hospital. I was invited to be in an experimental study for a new medication. With the med, I would have gotten talk therapy too. I walked out saying, "No thanks, I don't need to be drugged." By the time I was 25 y.o. I was in pretty bad shape. It turned out that I really did need medication. (At this point, I was having suicidal thoughts and coping by episodic drinking when my fears felt unbearable.) I improved a lot on the medication.

Still, I wish that at age 19, I could have been given a chance to talk things out with a capable professional. Instead, I deteriorated for another 6 years. I should have had every right to decline meds when I was 19 and still get treatment. It is written in the patient's bill of rights that they give you that you have the right to participate in decisions about what to accept and what to decline. Read that paper. If you've thrown it away, then ask for a copy and really read it. Think about what it says. Maybe you can use that to support getting what you need and not what you may have no need for.

Thank you rose for sharing it makes me feel better that someone does understand that does not know me. I had so much wrote with what happened today and my change on thought but my phone shut off on me grr. Mainly two things talking wit my bro which i got so mad cause he says the past is the past so move forward. I like that thought but two hours he talked about a lot of past things that made me drained. Also i felt a little picked on with his constant mentioning on he was never molested, only my sister, my other brother and me were. And that he got the worse beatings out of everyone. And other past issues he kept mentioning. I was at work so trying to be cheery sort of was work then work got chaotic at the end which some what put me in mania. Then i was so mad i wrote 6 pages of ranting but i also wrote about my thought on weed and meds. I wanted to get high today with all of my day, really did. I wrote a counter thought though due to i know weed isn't an answer and can do damage with learning and receptors in the brain. I have made a note to ask this: are the meds to help me with my brain patterns change. Yes it is control but good control and if it helps with me changing my brain patterns then that would be awesome. I want to know what the drugs are to do for me, i always a questioner so i may get more with the psychologist with this than the therapist. But idk just my thought today. On a side note i tried to suggest things with my brother like good suggestions and get help but he told me today no one will accept him due to his situation then because he's not in a list. I see this as him. I learned one big thing with him first hand years ago. You can't help some one that doesn't want to help themselves. I some times wish i didn't care so much i feel hurt by what he said what he told me and so on but i remember this he's had a rough life, he isn't blessed with what i have as counter thinking all the time. He needs help but all i can do is suggest places and to get help. I'm running out of room to write

On my phone it's small old school phone lol but yeah i feel some times he lies to himself but maybe he isn't. I know he had a different life than i with negative aspects that i can't imagine. I can't imagine being in jail at teenager years and being pushed around by society after words but i try to give him a glimps of bright side but today was one of the days he couldn't see them. I wish him the best and hope my actions of trying helps with him to see to try. I see the difference with me and him. Some things that happened to me as growing up yep effected my dearly as a child and teen but about 3 years ago i let my fear go with my boyfriend and it's still a learning experience and my trust issues i need to work on but my brother has gotten through some of the blocks but at the same time life is so negative for him it seems like. I wish he would listen to what he told me and use it. Move forward as best as we can. I wish to add in a positive manner

Beauflow, you sure use your head for more than a hat rack. Yes, you are a thinker and a questioner. The best therapist you'll ever meet may, indeed, be yourself. Though I think your tough history and the lingering after-effects, like the dreams, should be discussed with a good and caring professional to get a perspective from outside yourself. Ideally, I am hoping that you can talk with someone who is experienced in therapy with survivors of childhood abuse. I suppose any psychologist should have some training and understanding that would be relevant.

Your right on target to ask just exactly what are the meds supposed to do. (That was my issue when I was 19.) In reality, it's one big on-going experiment. My medication almost completely corrected a terrible sleep pattern, which was not what the doctor was even thinking about, nor was I expecting. Wow, did that improve the quality of my life. Also, I became physically stronger - again, not something that anyone was planning or hoping for - just an unintended side effect. The goal was for me to be less depressed, and that goal was achieved. The doctor hoped it would eliminate my depression, and that never did happen, but "less" kept me from dropping out of school.

As far as "changing brain patterns" goes, that might be an overly optimistic expectation, depending on what you mean. On one level, you could say that these meds do change chemical reactions in the brain. That's only good, though, if it leads to improvement in how you feel. When you have a headache, 2 aspirin, or 2 Tylenol, can make the headache go away and make you feel much better and even happier. If I take 2 Tylenol because I am depressed, that won't cause anything that makes me feel better.

If you were crying for hours every day, or couldn't get out of bed to get to your job, then it would be smart to try and see what an antidepressant medication might do for you. It might take away the psychological "headache" so you would not be in such pain that you couldn't do anything. Or it might not even help. It's always an experiment. Your main problem might not be depression. You might have unresolved anger. Anger calls for medication, if a person who is angry is going around assaulting other people. You haven't mentioned being in a lot of fights, lately.

"Thought patterns" are what really need changing to bring peace of mind or greater satisfaction in life. Fooling with the brain chemicals may do very little about that. Talking about what disturbs you can, possibly, help you to change your own thought patterns. A therapist can sometimes notice a pattern that is unhealthy that you may have and not realize you have. (That was a big part of my treatment.) Once it gets pointed out to you, then you can apply your "counter thinking" and come up with an alternative pattern or thinking. You can try different ones and see what works best. A lot of this is also a matter of experiment.

It sure would be great if we could fix our brothers, but like you've said, they have to want that. That is a very gracious way to look at another person's entrapment, when you can see that person as less "blessed" than you in some way or another.

Rose what I mean by "changing brain patterns" is I mean by brain plasticity.

I started to read a book a while back (I Am bad with books at times please forgive me) but the book was called the Brain that Changes itself but I really like the idea of brain plasticity and that we ourselves with time can help "re-wire our brains" in a sense to a degree, to do better for our selves, It is very positive thinking, and I always like the idea of it.

Changing brain patterns is not an unreal thought of popping a pill and becoming someone new to me... I know it would take time, and may not be successful with the doubt I have with in me at times, but I love the idea of it. In same ways as a teenage and how I am now- I believe I have experience this change in the brain.

I just wondered if the whole drug stuff is to help with that-- if it is all that you mentioned as such, with too depressed to get out of bed...well I manage to get out of bed even when i feel the worse,

This mainly due to previous obstacles that I had to over come when I was younger and alone. Today they can be easier due to I do have someone that is with me that is great and loves me.

Thank you for your complement, I have taken a lot of sayings from different things to try to better myself as i grew up-Mainly from School and reading and what I felt was right in my heart.....my mom was bad with any advice- I use her as the model of an anti person to be (if you knew you would understand)- My father gave me some advice as a teenager that i try to keep in my head but I find some days I can not remember some things with him that he told me..... I know I had a drug spout for about 5 years but it is ok- none the less even with drugs- I still had strived to be a good person for my own good, as I am sure many people do- I know a few personally that are the same as I was, however I know others that the addiction has gotten too much too them and they are not the same at all. Even with this I know drugs had a bad impact- I dont read like i use to- but yet there are times i get the spark and do.... 18-22 was really a bad time in my life due to a lot of stuff going on.. too much to explain- and yes I took a bad route with drugs- but none the less I learned from it at the same time
that in the end all that I can do, and I think we all can do, is Learn from our mistakes. As you mentioned Rose- your story of when you were 19, you learned from it and later on you got your help you needed

I agree therapy about some things I do need help with- it is why I went- I can see it- I know it- but if this time around is not the time for me than ok. IDK how else to try to talk about stuff when I get told I am not stable enough according this therapist, but yet she says do I even need therapy due to I do try on my own on things....

Therapy probably should had been something as a teenager for me or as a child- but yet I tried to fix my problems cuz my family was not ones to do stuff like that, my mother ignored the fact of something going on- and my father- well even to this day I remember he did not think some things were wrong when my sister told what happened to her, which confuses me still. and lord forbid to talk about your issues with a stranger is my family view as well as dont admit you have an issue.- In addition family did not want to talk about issues really...
Its hard to explain but I know there are at least a few other families out there like that. But with it all- I tried on my own with reading as a teenage, and tried listening to others about their issues and tried to help them out (sadly i never brought my issues to the table with friends, but some i think felt something and we would talk some times with non specific stuff), and so on. Tried to find good examples and go by them.

Just some things I need help with- that I have read things for my issues these days, and tried to do skills on my own with coping (some work at timse other times I fail)- and talking to my boyfriend helps a lot- you are right Rose he is a sound person and judgment but, some things, i just think i need some help on- which i was trying with therapy, and maybe still or in the future... will see after next week and what will be said

Brain plasticity is a very important topic. It is true and proven. The main way that the plasticity changes is in response to activities we do, and experiences we have. If you learn how to ride a bicycle, your brain changes. If you learn a new software program on the computer, your brain changes. If you live with safety and love for a good period of time, as you are doing with your boyfriend, your brain changes. If you develop a habit, whether it is smoking cigarettes or going for a jog every morning, your brain changes.

Anti-psychotic medication sometimes permanently alters the brain. This is usually not a good thing. One result can be tardive dyskinesia, which can mean irreversible loss of fine motor control and other things. The psych drugs that might be chosen for you to try probably would not directly help your brain to change in a better direction. BUT, and this is a big "but," they might make it easier for you to engage in therapy, or do other positive things/behaviors that would change your brain's pathways. So, if a psychiatrist advised you to take a medication, I don't think there would be any harm in doing that - as an experiment. They won't be ordering antipsychotic medication for you, I am inclined to think. Those are the most dangerous meds. The antidepressants are unlikely to do any permanent harm. They have some undesired side effects. Sometimes, they just don't do anything at all. I have taken lots of different types. They never made me "numb" or had me not feeling my emotions. People report that, but I never experienced that. If your therapist wants you to see a pdoc for med evaluation, I see no harm in that. I would see opportunity. And it gets you under the care of a pdoc, which might be an asset to you.